Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Hillary Clinton: “It’s Time to Break the Ass Ceiling

Sunday afternoon, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her intention to run for President of the United States of America. If Clinton succeeds she will become the first female President in the history of the country. Speaking to supporters, Clinton discussed what will be needed in order to accomplish this historic feat: “For too long women have been faced with moronic and unnecessary barriers to positions of leadership. I believe in the power of women and I am ready to do my part to help destroy the barriers. It’s time to break the Ass Ceiling.”

Long considered the toughest obstacle for any female politician, The Ass Ceiling will not be an easy impediment to overcome. Created in large part by a conflux of unevolved white conservative males, the Ass Ceiling has been solidified by their repeated efforts to demonstrate their “respect” towards women. Take South Carolina Senator Thomas Corbin who explained why it was okay to mock women, “Well, you know God created man first. Then he took the rib out of man to make woman. And you know, a rib is a lesser cut of meat.” These types of asinine comments were the norm for New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand who dealt with frequent inappropriate comments about her weight and looks from fellow Senators. Of course many politicians don’t think women have the capability of doing difficult work. Take Senator Rick Santorum who expressed that a woman’s emotions would keep her from being able to critical decisions. To be fair there are also a number of Asses on the left side of the aisle as well: “We in the Senate refer to Senator Gillibrand as the hottest member.” -Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) Let’s face facts, when it comes to politicians in Washington, there are “binders” full of Asses.

According to Representation 2020, the U.S. ranks 95th in the world in the number of women holding major political office.  Only 20 of 100 Senators are women and only 84 of 435 members of the House of Representatives are women. There are also only 6 female Governors. These facts are true even though women represent 50.8% of the population in the United States. We will need to wait until November of 2016 to see whether Clinton will succeed in breaking the Ass Ceiling. A Clinton victory will go a long way towards giving the Asses the kick they deserve.

Individual Photos By: Marc Nozell, Michael Vadon, Kent Williams

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Scott Walker Passes Law Declaring Himself a “Genius”

Wisconsin Governor and presidential hopeful Scott Walker has finally answered critics who have suggested that he does not have the proper education to govern. Earlier today, Walker signed into law a measure that would define anyone with an I.Q. of 90 or higher as a “genius”. During today’s press conference Walker stated, “I’ve always known I was exceptional but today everyone knows that I am a genius. I is proof that we don’t need no education department. I may not have graduated from college but I have been knowledgized by life.” According to test administrators, under the new law Walker is considered a genius by 1 point.

After the announcement Walker threw himself a lavish “I Be a Genius Party!” at the state capital. The festivities included a giant bouncy castle, clowns that create balloon animals, cake and ice cream and his favorite game, Pin the Pink Slip on the Teacher. Walker, whose brief stint at Marquette University led him to a remarkable 2.59 grade point average, unexpectedly left school before graduating. While he never returned to finish his degree, he has proven his genius by the way he has governed Wisconsin. During his term he has busted teachers’ unions and demonized teachers by comparing them to ISIS. He supports the dissolution of the Department of Education and states that his years as a Boy Scout have prepared him to be Commander in Chief of the U.S. military. Defending the statement on the Fox News show “America the Bestest Nation Ever” Walker asserts, “I have a badge in Bugling! You need that in the military.” More recently, Walker is attempting to get colleges to stop reporting sexual assaults on campus. Since the good people of Wisconsin continue to vote for Walker, it may only be a matter of time before we’ll all get to experience for ourselves just what being “knowledgized” entails.

Image by: DonkeyHotey