Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Donald Trump Exposed in Ashley Madison Hack

Oops, the billionaire with the hair has been naughtier than a pair of Republicans in a men’s bathroom. The hackers responsible for the Ashley Madison breach have just released a third batch of customer profiles from the popular cheaters dating website and Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump is among them. Going by the user name ONEHARDTRUMP, he is yet another in a long list of conservatives whose proclivities would make even the dirtiest among us blush. In fact, Mr. Trump’s profile is so filthy that I must caution that the screenshot of his profile below is most definitely not safe for work:

Shortly after news of the leak was released, Trump issued a short statement: “This is a private issue and it shouldn’t matter to anyone where I like to stick my wick. I will not apologize for my actions because President Obama is the one who needs to apologize to us all. It is because of his inept leadership that hackers continue to get away with breaching our privacy. When I’m President, I will find them and destroy them.”

Photos by: Michael VadonMike Licht and Jehane 

Friday, August 7, 2015

Jon Stewart Exploring Senate Run with Eye on Presidency

Jon Stewart for President. The sentence that makes liberals jump for joy and conservatives tremble in fear. According to sources close to the retiring host of the popular Daily Show, Stewart has formed an exploratory committee for a 2016 Senate run. In much the same way Hillary Clinton has worked her way to Presidential contention, Stewart is believed to be setting himself up to run for the highest office in either 2020 or 2024 depending on the outcome of the 2016 election.

Stewart’s retirement from the highly successful late night Comedy Central show surprised many as he is clearly one of the most respected entertainer/pundits in the country. Attacking issues from a common sense standpoint and satirically ridiculing the responses on both sides of the aisle, Stewart may be the perfect person to bring sanity back to an insane government. The fact is, if he is planning to run for the U.S. Senate his timing couldn’t be better. As to where Stewart might run, my sources state that for the past two years he has been buying homes in states that are expected to have close Senate battles. He is particularly focused on those in which Republicans have a slight edge. “If he can turn a seat red to blue, that’s where he’ll be.” The top possibilities include Wisconsin, Florida and Pennsylvania, all of which have Republican held Senate seats that will be up for grabs in 2016.

The Orbson Oracle conducted an informal poll in each of those states and Stewart was the overwhelming favorite garnering more than 60% of the vote in each. We contacted Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus for a reaction to the Stewart news and his response will likely be mirrored by conservatives throughout the country: “What? He’s doing what?! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh man, I think I just shit myself. This isn’t on record is it? Look, I have to go. Fuck!” If Priebus’s response is any indication there will be a lot of republicans shopping for new underwear this weekend.

This article was brought to you by Arby’s: “Arby’s- a burning tummy is a happy tummy!”

Photgraph by: Cliff