Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Obama to Trump: “Perhaps Ignorant Racists Should Wear Special ID Badges Too”

For President Obama, the political correctness gloves have been taken off and placed firmly up Donald Trump’s butt. Without the concern of reelection the President has become increasingly vocal, commenting frequently on the barrage of hate, intolerance and ignorance spewing from conservatives. Thursday was no exception as Obama took to Twitter to respond to an interview in which Trump indicated that a Muslim database and special ID badges that identify Muslims are policies he would consider to fight terrorism:

“We’re going to have to do things that we never did before. And some people are going to be upset about it….  And certain things will be done that we never thought would happen in this country in terms of information and learning about the enemy. And so we’re going to have to do certain things that were frankly unthinkable a year ago.”

President Obama’s epic response may just be his best yet, “@realdonaldtrump Perhaps ignorant racists should wear special ID badges too. I'll have one made up for you.”

Of course the President was also quick to point out that of the 2,000 Syrian refugees the U.S. has taken in thus far, half were children and another quarter were more than 60 years old. Of course facts are not always friendly to conservatives and will likely be met with confused stares followed by the yelling of such things as “Benghazi!” or “Obamacare sucks!” While these are excellent conservative identifiers, the President’s idea still has merit. If you walk into a random store and the owner is proudly wearing his or her “I’m a racist, misogynistic, homophobic, ignorant conservative” badge it might make you rethink your shopping habits.

As for Mr. Trump and those who share his desire to recreate Nazi Germany, in 2010 there were 1,600,000,000 Muslims in the world. Even some of the highest estimates (which are likely fabrications) of 250,000 ISIS militants would only equal 0.016% of the entire Muslim population. In fact, according to the Pew Research Center, there is an extremely high level of disdain for ISIS in Muslim countries. The religion of Islam is not the enemy, extremists are. This is true whether the extremists are Muslims or Christians running for political office using fear and ignorance to scare the masses. So, Mr. Trump if the President offers to have you swing by to pick up your “ignorant racist” badge, I would take him up on it. It’s the only way you’ll be seeing the inside of the White House anytime soon.

unedited photo by: Steve Jurvetson

Monday, September 7, 2015

Response to "Immigrants should speak American" (Slam Poetry Style)

By: Orbson Rice (Who Should Probably Not Be Writing Slam Poetry)

“Immigrants should speak American!” says She Who Must Not be Named,
the Alaskan Ice Queen of Tea Party fame.
While I comprehend the words, her meaning remains unclear,
for what exactly does she long to hear?
America is a land of languages, hundreds in fact,
from Spanish and Portuguese and even Nahuatl.
There’s French and there’s Dutch and a dash of Aymara
and let’s not forget the 10-million who speak Quechua.
There are the Mayan languages and the Creoles, Garifuna and Miskito,
from the Yukon, Peru and even from Quito.

One might say that within her ignorant prate,
‘America’ only referred to the States.
Then is English her linguistic glue?
Or perhaps she was referring to the Sioux?
For the words of our natives reverberate in both present and history,
from the Navajo, the Apache to the tongue of Ojibwe.
Or maybe in Alaska she’d like to stick
and only speak the language of the noble Yupik?

But wait, we cannot just fasten our gaze on the States.
We are A Part, not apart.
We are “of” America, with no “All” preceding.
We are cocoa farmers weeding.
We are children playing soccer in the dirt.
We are families and friends seeking fulfillment in concert.
With individual tongues rich and sweet,
yet it is happiness which we ALL seek.
So in response to your words I must exclaim,
oh She Who Must Not be Named,
the Alaskan Ice Queen of Tea Party Fame.
Immigrants SHOULD speak American.
Every language, every phrase, every syllable in every way we can imagine.
“I will!” “I can!” “I believe!” “I dream!” with passion!
In different voices and dialects, more than you can conceive
And one idea gleaned from this human tapestry we weave.
Because from the magma below to the stars above,
there will NEVER exist enough words for love.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Fast Food Worker Refuses to Serve Overweight Customers Citing Religious Beliefs

Are you craving a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese? If so, don’t expect to get one at the McDonald’s location in Whitesville, Alabama where Margaret Wheeler is asserting her religious rights by refusing to serve people she sees as gluttonous. Speaking to reporters Wheeler asserted, “Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins and is an affront to the Lord. I cannot go against his teachings and enable people’s sinful lifestyle. If they order too much food, or look like they should not be eating at all, God commands me to not serve them. Proverbs 23:2 says ‘Put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.’ I’m helping these people.”

Just as Rowan County, Kentucky clerk Kim Davis has refused to issue marriage licenses to legally entitled gay citizens citing her religious beliefs, Wheeler has likewise turned away a large number of patrons. However, those who have been denied service are not limited to the obese. “She took out the cookies and some of the fries from our kid’s happy meals” spoke Ned Clanders. “We paid full price and she went in and took it out before handing them to us. She said that our children needed more nourishment from God and less from french fries.”

When asked if she is worried about being fired by the fast food chain she responded, “I answer to God’s law and his law alone. This is a free Christian country and when Jesus wrote the Constitution he did so to protect people like me, the servants of God.”

McDonald’s has yet to make a decision on whether to terminate Wheeler’s employment, stating that “There are legal issues at play in this situation that we must weigh carefully. For the time being, we recommend that visitors to this location may want to consider simply going to a different register.” Of course, there is another issue that Wheeler might want to consider. Gluttony is usually described in relation to food, but it is unlikely anything at McDonald’s could actually be considered “food”, at least in the biblical sense of the term. Thus, this whole issue may be a moot point.

Photo by Jon Bunting 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Donald Trump Exposed in Ashley Madison Hack

Oops, the billionaire with the hair has been naughtier than a pair of Republicans in a men’s bathroom. The hackers responsible for the Ashley Madison breach have just released a third batch of customer profiles from the popular cheaters dating website and Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump is among them. Going by the user name ONEHARDTRUMP, he is yet another in a long list of conservatives whose proclivities would make even the dirtiest among us blush. In fact, Mr. Trump’s profile is so filthy that I must caution that the screenshot of his profile below is most definitely not safe for work:

Shortly after news of the leak was released, Trump issued a short statement: “This is a private issue and it shouldn’t matter to anyone where I like to stick my wick. I will not apologize for my actions because President Obama is the one who needs to apologize to us all. It is because of his inept leadership that hackers continue to get away with breaching our privacy. When I’m President, I will find them and destroy them.”

Photos by: Michael VadonMike Licht and Jehane 

Friday, August 7, 2015

Jon Stewart Exploring Senate Run with Eye on Presidency

Jon Stewart for President. The sentence that makes liberals jump for joy and conservatives tremble in fear. According to sources close to the retiring host of the popular Daily Show, Stewart has formed an exploratory committee for a 2016 Senate run. In much the same way Hillary Clinton has worked her way to Presidential contention, Stewart is believed to be setting himself up to run for the highest office in either 2020 or 2024 depending on the outcome of the 2016 election.

Stewart’s retirement from the highly successful late night Comedy Central show surprised many as he is clearly one of the most respected entertainer/pundits in the country. Attacking issues from a common sense standpoint and satirically ridiculing the responses on both sides of the aisle, Stewart may be the perfect person to bring sanity back to an insane government. The fact is, if he is planning to run for the U.S. Senate his timing couldn’t be better. As to where Stewart might run, my sources state that for the past two years he has been buying homes in states that are expected to have close Senate battles. He is particularly focused on those in which Republicans have a slight edge. “If he can turn a seat red to blue, that’s where he’ll be.” The top possibilities include Wisconsin, Florida and Pennsylvania, all of which have Republican held Senate seats that will be up for grabs in 2016.

The Orbson Oracle conducted an informal poll in each of those states and Stewart was the overwhelming favorite garnering more than 60% of the vote in each. We contacted Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus for a reaction to the Stewart news and his response will likely be mirrored by conservatives throughout the country: “What? He’s doing what?! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh man, I think I just shit myself. This isn’t on record is it? Look, I have to go. Fuck!” If Priebus’s response is any indication there will be a lot of republicans shopping for new underwear this weekend.

This article was brought to you by Arby’s: “Arby’s- a burning tummy is a happy tummy!”

Photgraph by: Cliff

Monday, April 13, 2015

Hillary Clinton: “It’s Time to Break the Ass Ceiling

Sunday afternoon, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her intention to run for President of the United States of America. If Clinton succeeds she will become the first female President in the history of the country. Speaking to supporters, Clinton discussed what will be needed in order to accomplish this historic feat: “For too long women have been faced with moronic and unnecessary barriers to positions of leadership. I believe in the power of women and I am ready to do my part to help destroy the barriers. It’s time to break the Ass Ceiling.”

Long considered the toughest obstacle for any female politician, The Ass Ceiling will not be an easy impediment to overcome. Created in large part by a conflux of unevolved white conservative males, the Ass Ceiling has been solidified by their repeated efforts to demonstrate their “respect” towards women. Take South Carolina Senator Thomas Corbin who explained why it was okay to mock women, “Well, you know God created man first. Then he took the rib out of man to make woman. And you know, a rib is a lesser cut of meat.” These types of asinine comments were the norm for New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand who dealt with frequent inappropriate comments about her weight and looks from fellow Senators. Of course many politicians don’t think women have the capability of doing difficult work. Take Senator Rick Santorum who expressed that a woman’s emotions would keep her from being able to critical decisions. To be fair there are also a number of Asses on the left side of the aisle as well: “We in the Senate refer to Senator Gillibrand as the hottest member.” -Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) Let’s face facts, when it comes to politicians in Washington, there are “binders” full of Asses.

According to Representation 2020, the U.S. ranks 95th in the world in the number of women holding major political office.  Only 20 of 100 Senators are women and only 84 of 435 members of the House of Representatives are women. There are also only 6 female Governors. These facts are true even though women represent 50.8% of the population in the United States. We will need to wait until November of 2016 to see whether Clinton will succeed in breaking the Ass Ceiling. A Clinton victory will go a long way towards giving the Asses the kick they deserve.

Individual Photos By: Marc Nozell, Michael Vadon, Kent Williams

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Scott Walker Passes Law Declaring Himself a “Genius”

Wisconsin Governor and presidential hopeful Scott Walker has finally answered critics who have suggested that he does not have the proper education to govern. Earlier today, Walker signed into law a measure that would define anyone with an I.Q. of 90 or higher as a “genius”. During today’s press conference Walker stated, “I’ve always known I was exceptional but today everyone knows that I am a genius. I is proof that we don’t need no education department. I may not have graduated from college but I have been knowledgized by life.” According to test administrators, under the new law Walker is considered a genius by 1 point.

After the announcement Walker threw himself a lavish “I Be a Genius Party!” at the state capital. The festivities included a giant bouncy castle, clowns that create balloon animals, cake and ice cream and his favorite game, Pin the Pink Slip on the Teacher. Walker, whose brief stint at Marquette University led him to a remarkable 2.59 grade point average, unexpectedly left school before graduating. While he never returned to finish his degree, he has proven his genius by the way he has governed Wisconsin. During his term he has busted teachers’ unions and demonized teachers by comparing them to ISIS. He supports the dissolution of the Department of Education and states that his years as a Boy Scout have prepared him to be Commander in Chief of the U.S. military. Defending the statement on the Fox News show “America the Bestest Nation Ever” Walker asserts, “I have a badge in Bugling! You need that in the military.” More recently, Walker is attempting to get colleges to stop reporting sexual assaults on campus. Since the good people of Wisconsin continue to vote for Walker, it may only be a matter of time before we’ll all get to experience for ourselves just what being “knowledgized” entails.

Image by: DonkeyHotey

Friday, March 6, 2015

Susan B. Anthony on New $20 bill, Valued at only $15.40?

Earlier today, President Obama announced that he will sign an executive order removing President Andrew Jackson from the $20 bill and replace him with women’s rights advocate Susan B. Anthony. The idea was inspired by the organization Women On 20’s who is currently conducting voting on which heroic American woman should be the new face of the $20 bill. However, according to South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham the new $20 bill is likely to cause mass confusion. “We have to ask ourselves, how much is this bill going to be worth? It can’t be $20, that would just be silly. I do believe that the value of the new $20 bill should be $15.40 or 77% of the original value. That is fair”. In reality, women actually do make 77% of what a man makes doing the same job. Graham’s use of an actual fact, even within a nonsensical argument, has caused some Republicans to question his commitment to the conservative ideology where facts are the enemy.

Considered a pioneer in the women’s suffrage movement, Anthony was also an abolitionist and worker’s rights activist. Her efforts were integral in the ratification of the 19th Amendment in 1920 which granted women the right to vote. In the almost 100 years since, women are now treated as equals to men in every way with only minor issues such as unequal pay, discrimination in the workplace, sexual harassment, having to constantly fight to have legal control over their own bodies and being blamed and shamed when they are sexually assaulted. Other than that, they are considered perfectly equal. Anthony was honored briefly from1979-1981 and once again in 1999 when her portrait was placed on a $1 coin. This has many critics of the executive order asking why that wasn’t enough for women and why liberals insist ton waging a war on men.

As for whether the value of the new $20 bill will indeed be 23% less than face value we turn to the statement of South Carolina Republican State Senator Tom Corbin. During a legislative dinner Corbin gave his views on gender equality: “Well, you know God created man first,” he said.  ”Then he took the rib out of man to make woman.  And you know, a rib is a lesser cut of meat.” Given this wildly evolved view from someone who is clearly a rump roast himself, there will likely be many liberals lining up to trade their $15.40 for Corbin and Graham’s Susan B. Anthony $20s.