Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Politifact Declares ‘Pants on Fire’ to Trump’s: ‘You know, I'm, like, a smart person.’

The Pulitzer Prize winning fact checking organization Politifact has chosen its 2016 Lie of the Year. The winner for the second straight year is President-Elect Donald Trump. After winning by a landslide in 2015, the odds of a repeat victory were strong. However, Trump cemented his lead with one of the craziest and most outlandish public statements he has ever made. In an interview Sunday, Trump’s refusal to receive intelligence briefings was brought into question and he responded with the poetic resonance of a 17-year-old valley girl, "You know, I'm, like, a smart person." According to a Politifact spokesperson it took only 30 seconds to confer the verdict, ‘Pants on Fire’ as well as award Trump the 2016 Lie of the Year award. The delay in the decision was due to the stunned silence in the room following his statement, followed by a barrage of raucous laughter.

In 2015, Trump won the coveted Lie of the Year not with one mere lie, but with a totality of lies that would extend Pinocchio’s nose all the way to Vladimir Putin. A whopping 76% of Trump’s statements received ‘Mostly False’, ‘False’ or ‘Pants on Fire’ verdicts. While there are always a few annoying citizens that prefer that their President speak the truth, you have to be impressed with the extraordinary ability the man has to spread deceit. Donald Trump is truly the Michelangelo of Lies. For those lie-haters however, it should be noted that the latest tally of Trump lies shows substantial improvement. Only 70% of his statements are rated as ‘Mostly False’, ‘False’ or ‘Pants on Fire’. It should also be noted that a massive 4% of his statements were given the ‘True’ verdict which among republicans is actually pretty respectable.






photo by Evan Guest


Wednesday, November 9, 2016

The Morning After

The morning comes and the world is not yet on fire. I have not felt this level of devastation since 9/11. I can honestly say that the events of the last 24-hours instill more fear in me than that dreadful day. My inbox has been flooded with messages asking, “What can we do?” “What do I tell my kids?” “I’m scared for my life, should I flee the country?” I have struggled with my answer. Who am I to even begin to answer? Should you flee the country? Maybe. That’s the truth. The United States of America, the beacon for freedom and democracy, the most powerful nation in the world just placed into power not only a President, but an entire government whose ideology threatens the very freedoms we have worked for centuries to obtain. If you are a woman, a Muslim, a Jew, disabled, a person of color, LGBQT, I understand your fears. I cannot even fathom what must be happening in your minds right now and I’m sorry that I didn’t do more to try to stop this. The election is over and I could rant for pages about the hatred and bigotry.  About all that we could lose and all the rights that hang on the precipice. I could draw comparisons to regimes throughout history. Regimes in which, if you didn’t fit a specific look and belief you were ostracized, imprisoned and much, much worse. That is where my mind is at when you ask me if you should flee. I wonder if Jewish families asked their friends the same question early on in Germany. That is what kept me awake last night. What do we do? What do we tell our children? Is it bad enough that it’s time to run?  I don’t believe I have an answer for you, but I do have an answer for me. I rise up. I fight.

Democracy only exists when you don’t always get your way. Last night I didn’t get my way, but at least for now, our democracy is still alive. Do you want to know what to tell your kids? Tell them that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote; that the majority of Americans chose her to be your President. That sometimes the system doesn’t work, sometimes the person who shouts the loudest wins. Sometimes the bully wins, even if all they shout is nothing but hate and lies. It’s not fair, but life isn’t always fair, it’s how you respond that matters. So here is what I tell you today, for whatever little it might be worth.

I am not alone. You are not alone. WE ARE NOT ALONE.

Do not give into hate, fight it with LOVE. Do not be tempted to violence, fight it with LOVE. Do not go quietly into that night with your heads bowed, raise up your voices and shout from every rooftop that you stand with your brothers and sisters from every walk of life. As for those of you who are afraid for their lives this morning, if you leave I will understand, but if you stay I will continue to stand at your side. Join me as a lay myself down in front of this steamroller of hate, because while it may crush a few of us, if we stand together it will not, it can not succeed in taking us all. Protect your friends, protect strangers, do not turn a blind eye when they began to chip away at our humanity. Form friendships, join organizations of like minded people. Amass as one and fight together for what is right.  Dedicate your mind, your time and your heart. We are all busy just trying to survive in the big world, but now is not the time to put your head into the sand and wait four years. This is our country too and I think it is high time the progressive monster started to get a little rowdy. Will you rise with me?

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Martin Niemöller – “a prominent Protestant pastor who opposed the Nazi regime. He spent the last seven years of Nazi rule in concentration camps.”


Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Trump: “Next Time it’s Going to be a Solo Debate”

It appears as though Presidential hopeful Donald Trump may be a little confused about the exact nature of a debate. This morning, just hours after the completion of the first Presidential debate he spoke to the press about the unfair and biased format of the event:

“I know how to debate. Believe me, I’m a great debater. The people love how I debate. The problem last night was they kept asking her [Clinton] questions and letting her answer them. That’s not what a debate is. There was no respect to me. She needs to know her place. Her constant need to hear herself speak made it impossible for me to talk about all of my very very great policies to make America excellent again. It’s just another example of the liberal media trying to steal the election. We’re not going to let that happen next time. Next time, it’s going to be a solo debate.”

Putting aside the fact that it would be impossible to actually have a “solo debate”, Trump may have stumbled onto a promising new strategy for his campaign. A solo event would offer the candidate the opportunity to present his views and policies without having to worry about the annoyance of fact checkers. Given the results from the first debate, facts are not his friend. Fortunately, most of his supporters have an aversion to facts, so that weakness is actually a strength for the candidate. The new format would also allow him to simply speak the entire time without having anyone bother him with questions or request clarification on his policies. Again, he would be able to successfully ignore the need to say anything of actual substance. In all, this could be a very successful strategy. The date and time of Trump’s “solo debate” is still in the planning stages, though the SyFy network has offered to air it immediately after a replay Sharknado 4 and has unofficially dubbed it, “Trumpnado”.





Photo by Marc Nozell


Thursday, July 7, 2016

Product Launch: “Avoid the Fight, Just be White!” Racial Profiling Prevention Cream

SaTiRe-

This Orb was deemed too provocative and controversial for Free Wood Post and Facebook. That's right, Orbson is a bad boy!

***************************

Have you ever found yourself driving a car? Do you like to wear sweatshirts with hoods? Have you been known to walk down a sidewalk at night? If you answered yes to any of these questions, AND you’re black, you may have found yourself the target of undeserved harassment, beatings, tear gas, being shot at and even being strangled. Well, you don’t need to worry any more because today we are introducing Race-No-More. This pure organic cream was made from the tears of an albino Koala Bear and it will color your problems away with a full-body White Out!  That’s right, avoid the fight, just be white!

Created in our laboratory by a team of highly trained scientists, Race-No-More is the ultimate solution to your racial profiling problems. Sure you could simply be yourself and raise your head proudly for your rich cultural heritage but let’s be realistic. Even with multiple degrees, a six figure salary and driving a Bentley you’re still going to get pulled over for suspicion of grand theft auto. A little bit of Race-No-More’s patented skin alteration cream and suddenly the guns and handcuffs turn into smiles and waves. Side benefits of Race-No-More include better success rates in job interviews and higher wages. If you only cover your face with one white cream this year, make it Race-No-More! Still not convinced? Check out these facts:

In Ferguson, Missouri 86% of stops were black, 92% of searches, 94% of arrests, police twice as likely to search blacks even though whites were more likely to have contraband.

“Black Americans were nearly four times as likely as whites to be arrested on charges of marijuana possession in 2010, even though the two groups used the drug at similar rates”

“African American and Hispanics comprised 58% of all prisoners in 2008, even though
African Americans and Hispanics make up approximately one quarter of the US population”

African Americans serve virtually as much time in prison for a drug offense (58.7 months) as whites do for a violent offense (61.7 months)

One in every three black males born today can expect to go to prison at some point in their life, compared with one in every six Latino males, and one in every 17 white males, if current incarceration trends continue.

Let’s face it, even though the Republican National Committee stated that racism is over in the U.S., people like Philando Castile, Trayvon Martin, Dontre Hamilton, Michael Brown and Eric Garner would likely be alive today if they were white. Racism is rooted in ignorance and evil, but since we’re not close to winning the battle against either, it’s time to protect yourself. For only $19.95 you’ll receive a 10-application supply of Race-No-More and if you order today, you will get an absolutely free Race-No-More Quick Change Kit complete with Bermuda shorts, fanny pack, Hawaiian shirt and a Michael Bolton CD. Supplies are limited so order yours today!

This advertisement was brought to you by the makers of “Under 40- The Anti-Age Discrimination Skin Stretcher” and “The Portable Penis Salary Raising Kit- They can’t pay you less if you have one too!”

Orbson Rant of the Day: I was told that even liberals might have problems with this Orb. If that is the case then we have taken political correctness to an extreme in which there is no turning back. I think the Orb pretty clearly demonstrates that 1) I hate racism  2) There exists a tremendous amount of racism in our justice system and finally 3) I do not believe that people of any color should have to paint their faces so as not to be harassed. I mean seriously, if that is what you get from this Orb than it might be time to file a lawsuit against every single teacher you have ever had because baby, you be STOOOOOPID.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Anonymous Hacks IRS Database- Publishes Trump’s Tax Returns


Tuesday evening, the mysterious hacker collective known as Anonymous hacked the main database for the Internal Revenue Service. The group appeared to have a singular target- Republican Presidential contender Donald Trump. Though Trump has been criticized by both parties for his failure to produce his tax returns, he has consistently refused to do so saying, “You don’t learn anything from a tax return.” After hacking Mitt Romney’s tax returns in 2012, Anonymous clearly believes that knowledge and transparency are important to the public.

The Anonymous attack successfully retrieved 12-years worth of Trump’s tax returns and published them without permission on more than a hundred top websites. The majority of the sites removed the returns within minutes, however it was too late to completely protect the candidate’s already tainted image. We at the Orbson Oracle were able to examine Trump’s 2012 tax return and found that he had good reason to fear its release. Between his shocking tax rate and his bizarre itemized deductions this will surely add to the ever increasing questions as to his suitability to be President.

Trump campaign spokeswoman Katrina Pierson stated last week that “there has been no year in which Trump paid zero taxes”. In 2012, this was true. He earned $37,746,530, far less that the $400+ million he claims. His final tax burden? Trump didn’t pay $0 in taxes, he actually received a tax refund of $7,832,224. That’s right, he cashed in a 7.8-million dollar tax refund. Recently, Trump stated that “I fight like hell to pay as little as possible.” So, how did Trump “earn” a tax refund? According to his return, he had approximately $37,743,000 in itemized deductions. In addition to massive business write-offs for legal fees relating to his fraudulent Trump “University” and fraudulent real estate transactions, Trump had other more unusual deductions.

Trump’s deductions ranged from $118,923 for “Tribble Hair Services” to a $3.8 million dollar write-off for “Anal Bleaching” both listed as an “image expense”. He also made numerous charitable contributions to places like The National Association for the Advancement of White Men and the Trump Fund which provides financial and emotional assistance to wealthy men going through divorce. The Trump family also paid salaries to their numerous employees including, eight chauffeurs, two yacht captains, four pilots for their private jets, two professional dog walkers, one full-time “Tribble stylist” and perhaps most unusual of all a “live-in  Hillary Clinton Impressionist” supposedly used for “debate prep”. Of course given the sordid details revealed about Trump’s “Favorite Fantasy Scenario” in the Ashley Madison hack, he likely has other uses for the unfortunate impressionist.

In addition to his bizarre proclivities, Trump also deducted health related expenses.  These included $1,843,000 for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a condition termed “Pseudologia fantastica” also known as Compulsive Liar Syndrome. Additionally, he claimed $3,141,816 for the treatment of “Extreme Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. The combination of these two psychological issues may explain a lot about Trump’s antics. According to noted Psychiatrist Dr. Bryan King, “Pathological liars seem utterly sincere about their lies, but if confronted with facts to the contrary, will often just as sincerely reverse their story.'' According to Politifact, a news organization that researches the veracity of politician’s statements, only 2% of Trump’s examined statements were found to be completely true. “Add that to the extreme case of N.P.D’, states Dr. King, “and you have a man with a God Complex who will say and do anything without hesitation or remorse.”    

While the 2012 tax return only gives us a brief glimpse into the life of Donald Trump, it is unlikely that the other 12-years worth of returns would have given us his complete financial picture. Given that Trump has several secret tax havens in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda, we will likely never know the extent of his holdings or of the other unorthodox appetites he quenches with that money. However, the Anonymous hack did succeed in giving Americans a better understanding of the Republican candidate.


Photograph of Guy Fawkes Mask courtesy of Anonymous Editor
Photograph of Trump by: Michael Vadon



Friday, April 15, 2016

California Law Bans Republicans from Using ANY Public Restroom

California Governor Jerry Brown is expected to sign into law a bill which would make it illegal for registered Republicans to use any public restroom in the state. Speaking before the House Committee on Fecal Evacuation, the bill’s chief proponent Phil M. Colon detailed the bill’s purpose and enforcement: “This bill has been a long time coming. Over the years we have received thousands of complaints about Republicans using public restrooms and now we finally have the chance to do something about it.”

According to Colon, there are two primary reasons to be concerned about Republicans use of public restrooms: “First is the obvious problem - they simply can’t be trusted. As Republicans work diligently to discriminate against the innocent transgender community, they completely ignore the fact that it’s Republicans that are the greater threat to the public’s safety in restrooms.” According to Colon it isn’t only ignorance and fear that Republicans are spreading in restrooms. A large number in the party have been arrested for a wide array of misdeeds, sexual and otherwise. For example, former Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for trying to initiate a sexual encounter with an undercover cop in a Minneapolis restroom. There is also Florida Representative Bob Allen who, in a men’s room at a public park, was arrested when he offered to pay $20 and perform oral sex on an undercover cop. Of course who could forget Dennis Hastert, former Republican Speaker of the House who was accused of sexually abusing four male students followed by a litany of illegal acts trying to cover it up. “I don’t know if it’s the repressed nature of Republicans or some deep and disturbing evil within them that makes them behave in this way” says Colon, “but we must act now to stop them and protect the innocent.”

The second rationale Colon offers for banning Republicans from public restroom use has to do with sanitation, “Republicans have proven that they are completely full of fecal matter. Top to bottom, full of it. Having to force good people to be in such close proximity to walking piles of fecal matter is simply not sanitary nor is it pleasant.” At first glance, this may seem like nothing more than an insult but according to researchers at John Hopkins University, Colon may be on to something. “While the classification of Republicans as ‘full of fecal’ matter is a misnomer, there does exist a high level of metaphorical fecal matter stemming from their ignorance, racism, homophobia and fear of knowledge. From a public health standpoint, that ‘fecal matter’ is far more harmful to the population as a whole and should be isolated else it spread to the uninfected.”

Public support for the bill has been overwhelmingly positive. According to one city employee, “I love it! I don’t want my children in the same room with one of those people. It’s not safe. Look, I’m sure some of them are okay but really, we can’t take that chance with our children’s safety.” As for where the Republicans will go to the bathroom, Colon has a simple solution. “We’d suggest that Republicans use bathrooms at their homes. If they fervently believe they need access to public restrooms, than they’ll need to purchase them with money out of their own pocket, build them themselves and designate that they are only to be used by members of their party.” Where will Republicans get funding for these new restrooms? “That’s not really our concern, though evidence points to them demanding Mexico to pay for the restrooms.”

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Trump Reveals Controversial New Mustache

When the rhetoric wasn’t enough he mimicked the salute. When that wasn’t enough Donald Trump, the frontrunner for the Republican nomination for President, decided to make one small change to his appearance: a mustache. Now it would be fair to say that sporting the style of mustache worn by a certain infamous German dictator may raise a few eyebrows. Though, if we were to believe Mr. Trump, this was merely a fashion choice with no intent to emulate anyone. When questioned about the mustache and the comparisons that quickly arose Trump responded, “What? I don’t know anything about that. Look, people like it. They ask me all the time to grow one. It’s great. I love having it and people love to see me with it. I really don’t see the similarity.”

While there is a possibility that Trump has never seen an image of one of most evil human beings to ever exist, one would wonder why nobody on his staff would point out the similarity. Trump, who is not known for backing down from a fight even when he is heinously wrong says, “You know, other people have mustaches and that’s okay for them. I get one and people get upset. But that’s okay because the people want me as their leader. They want me to look great. They want America to look great and they want me to take them to the promised land which I fully intend to do.”

As for the repercussions, Trump’s poll number rose by another 4 points. This probably shouldn’t come as a surprise. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center the number of radical hate groups has risen from 149 to 998 since President Obama took office in 2008. The KKK has also officially endorsed Trump and believes his ideology best matches their own. Hate is strong in the U.S.A. and Trump is taking full advantage. For Americans looking for a voice of sanity amongst Republicans, they’re in for a long wait. Here is what his fellow party members had to say:

Ted Cruz: “I actually kinda like it. I don’t know, there’s something about it that just looks really right to me. I can’t grow facial hair myself but good for him. Good choice.”

Marco Rubio: “Who is Hitler? Is that the guy who plays shortstop for the Reds?”

Sarah Palin: “I think he looks dreamy. I would follow that man anywhere and if he selects me as his Vice President I would happily ride that mustache to the Oval Office.”

As for what’s next in Trump’s arsenal of fascist follies only time will tell. For now, we’ll just sit back and watch as thousands of people across the nation raise their hands to salute the mustached man who only wants to make America white or uh, great again.



Unedited photo by: Niniam Reid 

Friday, February 19, 2016

Trump: “Francis Better Watch Out or I’ll Run for Pope”

The Republican Presidential frontrunner has picked a new focus for his verbal attacks- Pope Francis. After returning from an extended trip to Mexico a reporter asked the pontiff about Trump’s blatantly racist comments regarding the deportation of illegal immigrants and the possibility of building a wall between the U.S. and Canada. Pope Francis replied, “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian.” Trump responded with all of the vitriol you would expect saying, “I like the pope unless the pope doesn’t like me…. Then I don’t like the pope.” Later, Trump took it one step further, “Francis better watch out or I’ll run for pope after I’m President and then he’ll be out of a job. I’m the real Christian here. Before long, it’ll be known as Trumpican City, because I am Trump and I Can!”

The Orbson Oracle reached out to the congregation at the Church of God but Only My God Not Yours in Sumiton, Alabama for their views on the controversial statement. “Jesus didn’t like no rapists and murderers and neither does Trump. Jesus, he built walls to keep out all sorts of dirty people. You know, if Jesus were alive today he would vote for Trump and he’d probably make him pope too!” said, Cletus Bodean. His sister/wife Eustice agreed, “We gotta build those walls to keep those Mexicans from raping our cows and stealing our Meth… uh… money.”

Of course not everyone agreed with this ‘thinking’. In an Oracle exclusive we spoke to the man himself, Jesus Christ. We caught up with Jesus in a homeless shelter in Portland, Oregon where he was helping the workers serve food. When we asked about the recent exchange between Trump and the pope he simply shook his head and said, “When people are hungry they should be fed. When they are sick they should be given medicine. When they are cold they should be given a roof over their heads, clothes on their back and warmth in their hearts from knowing that they are loved. This is truth and truth knows not of color or race, gender or orientation.” When asked who he would be supporting this election season he replied, “That is not for me to say.” While Jesus was not willing to officially endorse any candidate we did find it interesting that under a worn denim jacket he wore a t-shirt with an artistic rendering of a wild silver-haired man underneath the words “Feel the Bern”.

Want the t-shirt that Jesus was wearing?

The unique “Feel the Bern” t-shirt was created by Numberism Portland based artist Sienna Morris. The image of Bernie Sanders was created using intricately placed numbers and letters representing many of Sanders goals for our country. 90% of the profits from sales of the shirts are donated to the Sanders campaign and they are currently on sale HERE.





Pre-Mashup Photos by: Sergey Gabdurakhmanov and Boss Tweed



Thursday, January 21, 2016

Trump Boasts International Relations Skills: “Palin’s endorsement is proof that the Country of Alaska supports me.”

Republican Presidential ‘dopeful’, Donald Trump may not have any experience in international relations but at least he can identify other countries right? Apparently not. During a benefit luncheon hosted by the National Association for the Advancement of White Men, Trump touted his ability to communicate and negotiate with other nations. He pointed to his recent endorsement by former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin: “Palin’s endorsement is proof that the country of Alaska supports me. The democrats like to say that I don’t have experience dealing with other countries but that’s simply a lie. I have excellent relations with countries like Alaska. “

While no one attending the luncheon caught his mistake, he was asked about it by journalists following the event. “Of course Alaska is another country. You clearly don’t know your geology. It’s not even connected. What do you think, it’s a neighborhood in Manhattan? Get out of here. This is the problem with the liberal media, they think they know everything, but guess what, I know more.”

The stunned journalists decided to leave it alone, after all Alaska is generally a ‘red’ state and if Trump doesn’t want the Republicans to have those three electoral votes, then who are we to judge.




Saturday, January 16, 2016

Bill O’Reilly Says He’ll Leave U.S. if Sanders Wins, Sanders' Poll Numbers Skyrocket

Conservative talk show host Bill O’Reilly has inadvertently given democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders a massive jump in his polling numbers. On Thursday’s “O’Reilly Factor”, O’Reilly stated “If Bernie Sanders gets elected president, I’m fleeing. I’m going to Ireland.” The impact of his statement was quickly apparent as Friday’s polling numbers gave Sanders an immediate 14-point boost, making him the clear frontrunner amongst democratic candidates. Even contender Hillary Clinton rang in saying, “When I heard that, I even considered voting for Bernie.”

O’Reilly did admit that, “I shouldn’t say it publicly because that will get Sanders more votes," but even he was unlikely to realize just how much the American people would like to see him gone. The Sanders campaign has been enjoying the fallout of O’Reilly’s comments. Since Thursday there has been a massive increase in campaign donations with many pointing to the statement as their motivation. However there are some people who are not as happy. Both Michael Higgins the current President of Ireland as well as Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Enda Kenny released a statement saying, “While Mr. O’Reilly is welcome to come to Ireland for a short visit, we think it would be better for all involved if he didn’t stay. Perhaps a more conservative environment would fit him better. We hear North Korea is nice in November.” Ireland, who in May of last year overwhelming voted to legalize gay marriage, may not be the best place to run from a President who believes in equality and fairness.

Of course whether Sanders or Clinton get the nomination it may not make a difference for the conservative mouthpiece. Polling numbers show that either candidate would win if the election were held today and as conservative candidates alienate more people with every word they utter, that trend is likely to continue. Even today, 54% of Americans say they would vote for actor Matt Damon, TV personality Bill Nye the Science Guy or Grump Cat from internet meme fame over anyone in the Republican field. As for the Sanders campaign they are actively seeking others to pledge that they would leave the country with a Sanders victory. As one staffer says, “If the polls are correct, we could get 70% of the popular vote if Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter agreed to leave too.”




Photo By: Senate Democrats