Good morning Orbsonites and Happy New Year! Yes it is a couple of days late. That should tell you just how much fun I had on New Year’s Eve. Let’s see, it started out with 3 bottles of tequila, 2 packages of Twinkies and a pygmy goat named Seymour. But wait! I’ve been ordered by the court not to tell that story. Hmm, well instead of looking back I think I will gaze into the future. As I listen to my Ipod, I am wondering what will 2012 hold for Orbson and his friends?
January: My Detroit Lions are in the playoffs! Fuck! The world really is going to end this year. That will definitely affect my plans for the next 11 months. After watching my Leos steal the “Big Easy” nickname from New Orleans by losing by an embarrassing 94 points, I will put my entire focus on my two New Year’s Resolutions – FINISH MY BOOK and (like everyone else) GET IN SHAPE. But wait! The world is ending so instead I am going to play Skyrim until my hands bleed and eat more of those damn Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookies Mrs. Orbson bought. Bring on Armageddon. (why do I have so much Brittany Spears on this thing)
February: I hate February. Well, except when I lived in Tucson where every day was like a sloppy bj. The second month of the year is horrendous here. It is colder, drearier and more miserable than Michele Bachmann’s marriage (probably my last reference to Bachmann for a while since she is out of the race- sad day). In February, I think I will plan a vacation. Hey if the world is going to end there is no need for a savings account. Hawaii here I come. (Jar of Hearts is a really good song. Unless you were the guy that screwed her over. Then it sucks.)
March: Back in hell and glad to be there. I am missing Skyrim more that I thought and have a nasty jellyfish sting on my pecker. Sure, skinny dipping in Hawaii is lots of fun, but nobody wants to look down in terror at a jelly fish hanging from his willy. Nobody. Speaking of dicks, the Republicans should have another 5 or 6 new candidates to make fun of. (A little Flo Rida and a little more “put your hands up”. Enough! I declare 2012 to be the year of putting your hands down!)
April: My birthday! Since I am Orbson, God of Words, I may as well make the whole month my Birthday instead of just the 25th day. Really I think everyone should do this. There are too many days that we don’t celebrate. Give yourself a treat and celebrate for your whole birthday month. April needs a holiday anyway. Celebrating nailing somebody to a cross, the guy dying and then having a 6-foot tall rabbit hide eggs just seems weird. (yes Taio Cruz, it really is Dynamite. At least right now. In about 4 months I will probably hate this song.)
May: The weather is finally nice. Quick, enjoy it for the 4 hours it is here. Damn, I was still playing Skyrim and missed the window. Does this game ever end? It has been a fairly quiet year thus far so I am guessing we’ll have another major natural disaster. Glad I went to Hawaii, because now it is under water. This may be my fault as my deity friends overheard some post-jellyfish ranting about the island state. That would make more sense than global warming. Oops sorry, my bad. (Offspring’s lyrics “dance, fucker dance…” makes me giggle. Mrs. Orbson sings this all the time. She never swears so it’s hilarious when she does. Now every time I hear this I can’t help but crack up.”
June: The summer is here and my fucking apartment complex does not have central air for these 100 degree+ days. One tiny air conditioner faces a wall not more than 8-feet away. I want to punch the owners but I’m too hot too move. Unfortunately I finally beat Skyrim. I did this by taking the game, breaking it in little pieces, putting it in the toilet, taking a dump and then flushing. Later that night I go to Walmart and buy another copy. I hate myself. (I think Katy Perry’s E.T. may be taking about sex with aliens. Ironically, this will be possible in Nevada this year when the first Sci-Fi themed brothel opens up. I have dibs on Inara Serra from Firefly.)
July- December will come tomorrow. A year is too much for one little blog. By the way, it is now 4AM and I don’t feel like editing this. So if you are one of those people (as I am) who notices that type of thing, don’t worry I did it intentionally. Now can you figure out why?
Quote of the moment:
"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now." -B.o.B. with Hayley Williams (Airplanes)