Neurobiologist Proves Rats are More Compassionate than Republicans.

In the December 2011 issue of Science, a study by University of Chicago neurobiologists proved that rats are empathetic creatures with a strong impulse to aid other troubled rats. This study has further strengthened the concept that even rats are more compassionate than Republicans.

The study of rat empathy consisted of a series of experiments in which one rat was free to roam while another was caged. If the free rat applied pressure on the cage it was able to free the captive rodent. Once it learned this result, it consistently freed his neighbor. After further testing it was concluded that,"They freed cagemates even when social contact was prevented. When liberating a cagemate was pitted against chocolate contained within a second restrainer, rats opened both restrainers and typically shared the chocolate. Thus, rats behave pro-socially in response to a conspecific’s distress, providing strong evidence for biological roots of empathically motivated helping behavior.”

The implications of this study have already begun to permeate the public consciousness as Americans look forward to the 2012 elections. Would Mitt Romney free a caged Newt Gingrich? Rick Perry? Would a cage even hold Gingrich if chocolate is involved? We may never know the answers to these questions; however we can use empirical evidence to determine the likely results.

Mitt Romney and Rick Perry come from different parts of the country yet share many conservative ideologies. Both believe that the U.S Constitution should be amended to declare that marriage be defined as a union between a man and a woman. Thus, it could be concluded that both candidates are anti-love. Further, Romney and Perry are both advocates of the death penalty. When asked whether it troubled him that one of the 234 death row inmates in Texas might be innocent Perry replied, “No sir. I’ve never struggled with that at all.” Therefore, while both candidates are anti-love they are both pro-death.

Compassionate acts require three requisite steps: First- the recognition of distress. Second- the desire to help the living being in distress. Third- action to alleviate that distress. Mitt Romney may be unable to differentiate between living and non-living beings as he states, “corporations are people too”. Hence, he may not be able to recognize true distress from a disappointing earnings report. Rick Perry does not have any desire to help those in distress stating “Many homeless have chosen their lifestyle” through years of bad decisions. Finally, being anti-love and pro-death, neither candidate has an inclination to act to help those in distress. Thus it can be concluded that rats are more empathetic than Romney or Perry.

Given that the Romney and Perry are among those chosen by all Republicans to represent them, it could be concluded that all Republicans are less empathetic than rats. If however you need further proof, let’s look at David Crocker the Republican Mayor in South Fulton. Crocker imposed a $75 annual fee for anyone who would like to have the city’s fire department come to their burning home. Last December, firefighters watched as Vicky Bell’s trailer home and all of her possessions went up in flames. For want of $75 a Republican Mayor will watch a person’s home burn. Clearly the people in Fulton would be better off if a rat were in charge.

In conclusion, it must be conceded that rats appear to be significantly more empathetic than Republicans. When presented with this evidence, Republicans vilified rats as “socialist” and “anti-American”. The question still remains, in order to win in 2012, Republicans may need to “rat up”.