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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Happy Screw With a Republican Day

August 23 is upon us and it’s time for another Orbson holiday. For too long, August has been the forgotten month. Yes, it is National Goat Cheese Month and sure we do get to gaze in awe at the Perseid Meteor Shower, but where’s the holiday? Therefore, I Orbson Rice do hereby proclaim August 23 to be Screw With a Republican Day! As you know, every Orbson holiday gives you certain inalienable rights. You are allowed to blow off work, put off any chores at home and can completely pamper yourself. Oh, and don’t forget the hourly sex games! So grab your favorite goat cheese as we explore the wonders of this most amusing of holidays.

All year long, Republicans are allowed to screw with us. From their insane comments and made-up facts to their desire to make sure their Presidential candidates are verifiably insane. Today, we turn the crazy around. Each Orbson Disciple should celebrate the holiday in a unique and interesting way. However, I wouldn’t be Orbson Rice without a few suggestions to get you thinking. Now each of us knows a Republican. Whether through family, work, or even the occasional friend there is always someone who quotes Sarah Palin and uses the words “those people” in most of their conversations. So, find your nearest Republican and start screwing:

1. Donate money to a liberal organization on their behalf. Imagine the look on avid hunter Uncle Larry’s face when he receives a letter from P.E.T.A. thanking him for his donation. Don’t stop there though, have P.E.T.A. send out donation packs to his hunting buddies saying that good ol’ Larry donated and he thinks they should too.

2. That gas guzzling SUV would look a lot nicer with an “Obama 2012” bumper sticker on the back. Afraid they’ll just rip it off? Get a bunch and keep putting them on and if they ask, just tell them that Jesus made you do it.

3. Good ol’ conservative Aunt Mary likes to send you daily emails talking about the evil Democrats? Time to get back at her. How about signing her email address up to every liberal organization you can think of. Hey, maybe a few hundred liberal emails a day will rub off on her.

4. Your conservative friend is on Facebook? I think it may be time for a few comments on his Wall. “Hey, great to see you at the Dennis Kucinich rally last night.” “Hey, I loved your article about how we should repeal the 2nd Amendment. You’re right, guns are evil.” “Dude, saw you at the gay pride rally last night. Great speech on legalizing gay marriage!”

These are just a few simple ideas to get you started. However, if you really want to screw with a Republican, then I have the perfect recipe for you. Read. Listen. Research. Think. Understand. Be compassionate to someone when you get nothing in return. Pick up litter. Plant a tree. Have amazing sex with whomever you want. The best way to screw with a Republican is using your brain, respecting your planet and treating others well. That is what really screws with Republicans.

So, get out there and have fun celebrating Screw with a Republican Day! Now if you’ll excuse me it is time for another exotic game of Riding the Albino Alpaca Aye. Canadian sex games are always so dirty…

Orbson Tweets: “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” movie? That’s like calling a porn movie “Get Your Hand out of Your Pants”.

Orbson Read What? To Avoid Brain-Eating Amoebas, Hold Your Nose I didn’t read the whole article so just to be safe I’ll be holding my nose 24/7.

Orbson at the Movies: Spy Kids 4 (starring Jessica Alba) will be giving out scratch and sniff cards to audience members so they can smell the action on the screen. I’m not sure how realistic this will be. I think I should smell Jessica Alba just to make sure it’s consistent.

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