Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace

In these troubled times many believe themselves to be trapped in jobs in which they are underappreciated and/or underpaid. Do not despair, the answers to many of your problems can be found within you. You must get in touch with your inner Orbson and take control of your workplace before it’s too late.

Following "Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace" is guaranteed to get results. What those results might be, who knows, you’ll probably be fired and maybe even arrested. Still, they’re guaranteed results. Plus, if you end up in jail you’ll get a roof over your head, three meals a day and health care, so many would consider that a step up.

Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace

Step 1: Embrace the Change Within: You must embrace the knowledge that your job sucks and that you are 100% committed to the desuckification process. Only with acceptance of the problem can recovery begin.

Illustration: Stanley admits to himself that his job sucks and that he will do anything necessary to desuckify it.

Step 2: Identifying the Soul Sucking Leach Who Makes Your Life Hell: Every day you go into work and you see someone that immediately sucks any happiness or optimism right out of you. Identification of the leach and/or leaches is necessary in order to move to Step 3.

Illustration: After much thought, Stanley identifies two people who make his life hell. First, his supervisor Dan, who in addition to being an asshole likes to publicly berate Stanley at least twice a day. The second is an important client named Mary who represents a multi-national corporation. Mary continuously blames Stanley for every little thing that goes wrong regardless of the fact that she causes most of the problems.

Step 3: Operation You Fucked with the Wrong Man/Woman: Subtly is key here as this step is all about intelligence gathering. It is time to dig through every personal and professional bit of information you can find about your targets. You should also consider hiring a private investigator to assist with the work.

Illustration: Stanley begins to take note of every aspect of Dan and Mary’s lives. Quickly, he has a thick file on each of them.

Step 4: Locating the Jugular: Here you should examine the information you have gathered and look for weak spots you can exploit.

Illustration: Stanley finds that Dan has been having marital problems, has three outstanding parking tickets and will often go the bar next to the office on Monday nights to watch football, down a few beers and flirt with the female bartender. Also, Stanley’s investigator was able to track down a payment to Mary by Girls Gone Wild and was able to locate photographs of her flashing the camera during Spring Break. Further, there is an important meeting coming up between Dan, Mary and their respective bosses.

Step 5: Setting the Stage: You must now utilize your newfound knowledge to design a plan to desuckify your workplace.

Illustration: Stanley changes the meeting time to 8PM Monday night making each party believe the other is responsible. He then tells Mary that Dan has requested her 10 minutes early in order to discuss a few issues. At 6PM, Stanley offers to take Dan to the nearby bar for a quick drink, mentioning to Dan that the bartender had been asking about him. Dan agrees. Stanley gives the bartender a $50 bill to put a small amount of a drug that makes alcohol significantly more effective. As she has always been disgusted by Dan, she is happy to help. Dan is wasted by 7:00PM. He is concerned about the meeting, but Stanley assures him that he will tell everyone Dan was sick and had to go home. However, they need to go back to Dan's office to find the paperwork for Stanley to use in the meeting. The falsely flirtatious bartender keeps him distracted until they head back to the office at 7:40PM. What Dan doesn’t know is that Stanley’s investigator has wallpapered Dan's office and computer with the Girls Gone Wild photographs of a very topless Mary. He has also contacted Dan's wife asking her to be at the same office at exactly 7:55PM and that he has some explanations as to why Dan is often “working late” on Mondays. Stanley escorts Dan into his office at 7:45PM.

Step 6: Grab the Popcorn and Enjoy the Show: Step back and watch as your plan unfolds.

Illustration: Dan is shocked to see the photographs of Mary but far too drunk to make much sense of the situation. Stanley tells him to sit down while he gets a janitor to clean up the office. Dan doesn’t notice that the chair is drenched in urine until it’s too late. His pants are soaked so he quickly removes them just as Mary walks in. She sees the intoxicated and pantless Dan in the room full of pictures she had thought nobody would ever find out about. Seconds later Dan's wife enters the room. She is enraged and starts yelling at Dan and Mary. He is slime, she has always known that fact and her mother was right, she should have left him a long time ago. The end of her tirade is caught by Dan and Mary’s bosses who walk in to see Mary trying to remove the photographs, the pantless and drunk Dan and the irate wife. Stanley then walks in. Dan tries to grab at the lifeline. “Stanley, tell them I was with you. Tell them I don’t know anything about these pictures. I didn’t do any of this.” Stanley enjoys his triumph by looking disgusted and saying, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just got here.” To the bosses he states, “I told them they shouldn’t carry on this way- the sex, the pictures, it’s just not professional.” As the bosses stare angrily at Dan and Mary, Stanley gives them a quick wink and smile.

Step 7: Twist the Knife and Enjoy Your New Life: Celebrate your freedom, but first, how about one more smidgen of fun.

Illustration: Everyone is leaving. Mary and Dan have been fired. Stanley has impressed the bosses with a detailed business plan, saving the meeting and the business relationship. As Stanley watches in pleasure as Dan drives away, he pull out his cell phone, dials 911 and speaks in a worried voice. “Hello, I just saw a drunk guy leaving the bar. He’s pretty wasted. I tried to stop him but he kept saying stuff like ‘no f’in cop can get me. I don’t even pay parking tickets. F’them all. He was driving a black SUV, the license plate is….”

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