Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Trapped in Piñata Hell

Dear Orbsonites,

I fear that I may not have long to write. At approximately 1:45 A.M. I went to investigate a disturbing humming noise coming from the staircase of my apartment complex. Outside my door I found a legion of killer robot piñatas. I believe they have been sent to assassinate me. I have contacted my deity friends and they are on their way. I can only hope that they get here in time. I love being the God of Words, but at times like this it would've been useful to be the God of Ass-Kicking.

Earlier this week, I published a story about a secret army of killer robot piñatas. Within hours it became the most read Orbson story ever. Readers from N.P.R. and the Huffington Post swarmed this blog as word of my harrowing tale in Montana spread. I have been identified, I have been targeted.

If these are my final words to you, dear readers, I would like to leave you with one final gift. Ever since my discoveries in Montana, I have been secretly training an army of llamas to fight the piñatas and their Teabagger leaders. I was able to successfully breed the llamas with Arizona Diamondback rattlesnakes. The llamas now spit a very toxic poison that is corrosive to the piñatas. My soldiers are located on a small farm in eastern Oregon. I have encoded the exact location in the following haiku:

Grasping with left hand
Of Rachel Bilson I dream
I ejaculate.

Translate the code, find the llamas and avenge me! Wait, what is that? They're here! The deities have come to rescue me. I'll be right back....

Whew, the battle is over. Buddha sat on half of the piñatas and the Flying Spaghetti Monster took care of the rest. I am saved and the Orbson Oracle will live on. However, it is clear, the war against the Stupid has begun. The deities invited me to a party at the Playboy Mansion, so I'll be out of touch for a couple of days. Have a great weekend and always keep an eye out for the Stupid. They're everywhere.

Currently Jamming To:

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