Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Orbson Answers the Phone

A typical Orbson Rice day often includes getting to talk to new and interesting people who always seem to call at the most inopportune times:

The Phone Company

Rep: Hello, my name is Ryan, I was hoping to ask you about your current phone service.

Orbson: I don’t have a current phone service.

Rep: Who do you use for the phone you are using?

Orbson: I’m not using a phone. I am using a blue shoe.

Rep: A blue shoe?

Orbson: Yes. It’s a magic blue shoe.

Rep: Yeah, right. I just wanted to let you know about our new rate plan that gives you unlimited long distance, caller ID and voice mail for a special $49.99 per month introductory rate.

Orbson: My shoe was only $39.99. I got them on sale. Actually I got two so really each was about $20. Can you match that?

Rep: I’m thinking you are not interested in a new phone service.

Orbson: Oh, but I am. You said it comes with caller ID right?

Rep: Yes and voicemail.

Orbson: Does is come in blue?

Rep: What? The phone? The plan doesn’t come with a phone.

Orbson: No, the shoe.

Rep: There is no shoe.

Orbson: No shoe? Well, then how do I make a call?

Rep: I don’t find this very funny.

Orbson: Really, I’m finding this conversation sole-full. Hello? Hello?

The Cable Company

Rep: Hello, my name is Jim and I’m calling from your local cable provider. We are just checking to make sure you are completely satisfied with your cable service.

Orbson: Yes, it’s great thank you.

Rep: I also wanted to let you know about an exciting new package we’re letting some of our best customers in on. You can combine cable, Internet and phone for one low price of $129.99 per month.

Orbson: So you weren’t really calling to see if I was happy with my cable service? You were just trying to sell me something?

Rep: No of course we want to make sure you’re happy with your current service.

Orbson: Really?

Rep: Yes, of course

Orbson: I just don’t know. I trusted you, I felt we had built a solid relationship on the phone, now I just feel used.

Rep: I’m very sorry you feel that way. Rest assured we do care about your happiness with your cable service. We just wanted to offer you another way to get great savings on a great group of services.

Orbson: There you go again, trying to sell me something new. You’re just like Mutsy?

Rep: I’m sorry, like what?

Orbson: Mutsy, my pet ferret. I thought he loved me but he was only using me for food and toys, just like you’re using me. But I showed him, I introduced him to Mr. Sucky.

Rep: Uhm, excuse me?

Orbson: Mr. Sucky- my vacuum cleaner. You sound nice, maybe I should consider your offer. Why don’t you come over and we can discuss it in person. I can introduce you to Mr. Sucky. Hello? Hello?

Of course I don’t spend my days just answering the phone. I also respond to the occasional email:

The Hotel Review

Email: Please review your most recent stay with us.

Orbson: Delete email.

Email: Please review your most recent stay with us.

Orbson: Delete email.

Email: Please review your most resent stay with us.

Orbson: To Whom it May Concern, I am sorry that I have been unable to review my recent stay at your hotel. I have been in the hospital with a large number of bed bug bites. Don’t fret, I am sure your hotel had nothing to do with it. Of course I didn’t stay anywhere else and the room wasn’t the cleanest but I doubt it was caused by your hotel. Yes, overall your hotel was quite nice. I particularly liked the old-fashioned television set that only received three fuzzy channels. It reminded me of the good old days. I also appreciated that the WiFi was not working. You were clearly trying to send a message about spending quality time with the family over playing on the Internet. Message received. I was somewhat disappointed that the front desk forgot my wakeup call, still it only cost me $400 to reschedule my flight so really it was not a big deal. I really enjoyed your breakfast buffet and were it not for the salmonella, I would definitely try it again. Unfortunately, I did not get to try out your swimming pool as I found its greenish color to be slightly off-putting. Still, the kids I saw swimming in it seemed to be having a good time. Too bad their trip ended so badly. I saw them in the hospital too. Rashes all over their bodies- the poor things. Overall, I feel confident in saying that I would rate your hotel as 8 out of 10.

Email: Regarding your recent review of our hotel: Dear Mr. Rice, thank you for your review. I was glad to hear our hotel exceeded your expectations and hope to see you again in the future! Signed- Hotel Manager.

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