Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Orbson Makes the Movies

Hello and welcome to today’s episode of Orbson Makes the Movies. Our special guest star is this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly. As I was perusing the latest in entertainment news while gently relieving myself of some very effective Raisin Bran, I came across last week’s box office results. The Top 10 were as follows: The Help, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Spy Kids 4, Conan The Barbarian, Fright Night, The Smurfs, Final Destination 5, 30 Minutes or Less, One Day, and Crazy, Stupid, Love.

The first thing I noticed was how few of these are original. They are: based on book, reboot, sequel, remake, remake, based on cartoon, sequel, original, based on book and original. With only two original content films in the Top 10, clearly Hollywood needs some help coming up with original stories. Of course, Orbson Rice will always help those in need. So, here’s a few Orbson approved movie plotlines. Hollywood, you can have any of these ideas for just a million each:

5. Bloody Whiskers- Zombie bunnies invade a small town during its annual carrot festival. Starring: Hugh Jackmann as the small-town sheriff, Summer Glau as his contortionist girlfriend and Daniel Day-Lewis as Fluffy Whiskerton, the head zombie bunny.

4. Touch My Twinkie – A college student believes he won the lottery when he is given an enchanted Twinkee that makes any woman who touches it instantly aroused. What he doesn’t realize is that the Twinkee was brought to earth by the evil demi-god Hose Tess who plans to use its creamy filling to take over the world.

3. Shindler’s Tweets- When Peter Shindler gets 1,000,000 Twitter followers a wormhole opens up and sucks him back to 1943 Germany where he must use his Tweeting abilities to stop a top secret Nazi facility that trains parakeets to kill.

2. Orbsonism: Tale of the One True God- A documentary chronicling the dramatic rise in popularity of the religion of Orbsonism and its Creator Orbson Rice.

1. Caressing the Big Red Nose- This 3D, animated, romantic, horror movie stars Paris Hilton as an exotic performance artist who falls in love with the disembodied soul of a serial killing circus clown.

What Were They Thinking: Next June, Holland America cruise lines is hosting a weeklong vampire convention on an Alaskan cruise. A vampire ball, costume contest, vampire movie marathon and speaker, Dacre Stoker, the great-grandnephew of Bram Stoker are among the activities. Really? Vampire lovers in Alaska in June? What better way to celebrate the undead, then by going to the land of perpetual sun. Those 18 hour days should really set that spooky mood.

A Narrow Miss: Britney Spears recently stated that if she were not a famous “musician” she would have liked to have been a teacher. Remember this the next time you diss pop music. Definitely the lesser of two evils.

Group I’m Missing

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