Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Orbson's Feeling Gassy: Also Known as The Bachmann Effect

Republican Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has been busy on the campaign trail. Her latest campaign promise? Last Tuesday she told a group of supporters that, "Under President Bachmann you will see gasoline come down below $2 a gallon again…. That will happen.” I don’t know about you but when I read the words “President Bachmann” a little bit of vomit came up. However, I will ignore that nightmare scenario for a while and dig into the issue of the day.

I seriously wonder how people like this can get out of bed everyday without a post it note on their foreheads saying “get up now”. This shouldn’t even be a partisan issue it should be a simple common sense issue. There are two facts that I have yet to see questioned. First, there is a limited amount of oil on our planet. We do not know the exact amount, but we know that at some point it will run out. Secondly, using oil in our vehicles causes massive environmental issues that affect our air, land and water.

Look, the answer isn’t finding more places to drill oil. We have done enough damage. The answer is discovering ways to use clean energy to fuel our daily lives. Drilling for new oil is like trying to build a new relationship by visiting a whorehouse. You put your pipe in a hole, get the fluids pumping and then you go home alone. All you get is a quick fix and a significant likelihood your dingleberries will turn green and die. If you want a happy and healthy relationship, if you want to keep your dingleberries intact, you need to stop trying to find dirty new holes and start looking for a long-term solution. I heard wind gives a nice “blow” job (sorry I couldn’t resist).

The point is that I do not want $2 gas. I would prefer that it never drops below $4 again. The oil and automobile companies want us to keep drilling. They pay a shitload of money on lobbyists and politicians. Don’t believe me? Good? Orbson always says to question everything. Take a look for yourself at websites such as Open Congress where you can track the money donated to politicians. You may be surprised to see how often an industry’s biggest advocate in Congress is also getting a lot of money from that industry. Is it in the best interests of the people the politician represents? Hardly ever. Unfortunately this is not just a Republican truth, you’ll find it on both sides of the aisle.

Now some Smart people will likely ask me, “Orbson, I agree with what you say, but shouldn’t we dig a little bit? There are a lot of poor people who cannot afford $4 gas. They're suffering without cheaper gas.” I understand this question and the answer is not easy. The problem with our country is that everyone feels entitled. We are entitled to all of the services we want, but don’t want to pay any of the bills. If gas were $2 people wouldn’t complain, the Prius wouldn’t be so popular (I want one) and automobile companies wouldn’t be worried about building cars with better fuel economy. Even the Smart people can get complacent when everything is too easy. We owe it to our children’s children to act. We must suffer a little now for the betterment of the future. We, as a nation, have fallen behind the rest of the world in mass transit. We consume and consume. Yet, our feelings of entitlement have blinded us to the damage we are doing. Finally, if you are still unsure, ask yourself this, what would Jesus drive? (The answer is a unicycle. I asked him last weekend during our latest Vegas adventure.)

Orbson’s Feeling Relevent: Why are all of our politicians taking bus tours around the country? Great, 3 miles a gallon, way to be pro environment and set a good example. No, I’m not just talking about the Palin bus debacle; Obama himself had a bus tour. Barack buddy, what were you thinking? What’s next? PETA dons fur coats and takes us hunting? Planned Parenthood holding Orgyfest 2011? Fox News reporting on… News? Seriously people, at least pretend you care about the Earth.

Orbson’s Online Presence: Don’t worry, not porn this week. Today’s website is Politifact. The Pulitzer Prize winner for National Reporting is run by the St. Petersburg Times and calls out politicians with their “truth-o-meter”. Particularly amusing is their “pants on fire” rating.

Orbson on His Hometown: Last weekend was the Michigan Dream Cruise. This is a celebration that involves parading old gas-guzzling cars up and down Woodward Avenue while people sit by the side of the road drinking beer. Of course on Monday morning things will go back to normal. You’ll still find people sitting by the side of the road drinking beer as gas guzzling cars drive by. However, now they’ll be holding up cardboard signs that say “Will work for food.”

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