Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Orbson Makes the Movies

Hello and welcome to today’s episode of Orbson Makes the Movies. Our special guest star is this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly. As I was perusing the latest in entertainment news while gently relieving myself of some very effective Raisin Bran, I came across last week’s box office results. The Top 10 were as follows: The Help, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Spy Kids 4, Conan The Barbarian, Fright Night, The Smurfs, Final Destination 5, 30 Minutes or Less, One Day, and Crazy, Stupid, Love.

The first thing I noticed was how few of these are original. They are: based on book, reboot, sequel, remake, remake, based on cartoon, sequel, original, based on book and original. With only two original content films in the Top 10, clearly Hollywood needs some help coming up with original stories. Of course, Orbson Rice will always help those in need. So, here’s a few Orbson approved movie plotlines. Hollywood, you can have any of these ideas for just a million each:

5. Bloody Whiskers- Zombie bunnies invade a small town during its annual carrot festival. Starring: Hugh Jackmann as the small-town sheriff, Summer Glau as his contortionist girlfriend and Daniel Day-Lewis as Fluffy Whiskerton, the head zombie bunny.

4. Touch My Twinkie – A college student believes he won the lottery when he is given an enchanted Twinkee that makes any woman who touches it instantly aroused. What he doesn’t realize is that the Twinkee was brought to earth by the evil demi-god Hose Tess who plans to use its creamy filling to take over the world.

3. Shindler’s Tweets- When Peter Shindler gets 1,000,000 Twitter followers a wormhole opens up and sucks him back to 1943 Germany where he must use his Tweeting abilities to stop a top secret Nazi facility that trains parakeets to kill.

2. Orbsonism: Tale of the One True God- A documentary chronicling the dramatic rise in popularity of the religion of Orbsonism and its Creator Orbson Rice.

1. Caressing the Big Red Nose- This 3D, animated, romantic, horror movie stars Paris Hilton as an exotic performance artist who falls in love with the disembodied soul of a serial killing circus clown.

What Were They Thinking: Next June, Holland America cruise lines is hosting a weeklong vampire convention on an Alaskan cruise. A vampire ball, costume contest, vampire movie marathon and speaker, Dacre Stoker, the great-grandnephew of Bram Stoker are among the activities. Really? Vampire lovers in Alaska in June? What better way to celebrate the undead, then by going to the land of perpetual sun. Those 18 hour days should really set that spooky mood.

A Narrow Miss: Britney Spears recently stated that if she were not a famous “musician” she would have liked to have been a teacher. Remember this the next time you diss pop music. Definitely the lesser of two evils.

Group I’m Missing

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Orbson Answers the Phone

A typical Orbson Rice day often includes getting to talk to new and interesting people who always seem to call at the most inopportune times:

The Phone Company

Rep: Hello, my name is Ryan, I was hoping to ask you about your current phone service.

Orbson: I don’t have a current phone service.

Rep: Who do you use for the phone you are using?

Orbson: I’m not using a phone. I am using a blue shoe.

Rep: A blue shoe?

Orbson: Yes. It’s a magic blue shoe.

Rep: Yeah, right. I just wanted to let you know about our new rate plan that gives you unlimited long distance, caller ID and voice mail for a special $49.99 per month introductory rate.

Orbson: My shoe was only $39.99. I got them on sale. Actually I got two so really each was about $20. Can you match that?

Rep: I’m thinking you are not interested in a new phone service.

Orbson: Oh, but I am. You said it comes with caller ID right?

Rep: Yes and voicemail.

Orbson: Does is come in blue?

Rep: What? The phone? The plan doesn’t come with a phone.

Orbson: No, the shoe.

Rep: There is no shoe.

Orbson: No shoe? Well, then how do I make a call?

Rep: I don’t find this very funny.

Orbson: Really, I’m finding this conversation sole-full. Hello? Hello?

The Cable Company

Rep: Hello, my name is Jim and I’m calling from your local cable provider. We are just checking to make sure you are completely satisfied with your cable service.

Orbson: Yes, it’s great thank you.

Rep: I also wanted to let you know about an exciting new package we’re letting some of our best customers in on. You can combine cable, Internet and phone for one low price of $129.99 per month.

Orbson: So you weren’t really calling to see if I was happy with my cable service? You were just trying to sell me something?

Rep: No of course we want to make sure you’re happy with your current service.

Orbson: Really?

Rep: Yes, of course

Orbson: I just don’t know. I trusted you, I felt we had built a solid relationship on the phone, now I just feel used.

Rep: I’m very sorry you feel that way. Rest assured we do care about your happiness with your cable service. We just wanted to offer you another way to get great savings on a great group of services.

Orbson: There you go again, trying to sell me something new. You’re just like Mutsy?

Rep: I’m sorry, like what?

Orbson: Mutsy, my pet ferret. I thought he loved me but he was only using me for food and toys, just like you’re using me. But I showed him, I introduced him to Mr. Sucky.

Rep: Uhm, excuse me?

Orbson: Mr. Sucky- my vacuum cleaner. You sound nice, maybe I should consider your offer. Why don’t you come over and we can discuss it in person. I can introduce you to Mr. Sucky. Hello? Hello?

Of course I don’t spend my days just answering the phone. I also respond to the occasional email:

The Hotel Review

Email: Please review your most recent stay with us.

Orbson: Delete email.

Email: Please review your most recent stay with us.

Orbson: Delete email.

Email: Please review your most resent stay with us.

Orbson: To Whom it May Concern, I am sorry that I have been unable to review my recent stay at your hotel. I have been in the hospital with a large number of bed bug bites. Don’t fret, I am sure your hotel had nothing to do with it. Of course I didn’t stay anywhere else and the room wasn’t the cleanest but I doubt it was caused by your hotel. Yes, overall your hotel was quite nice. I particularly liked the old-fashioned television set that only received three fuzzy channels. It reminded me of the good old days. I also appreciated that the WiFi was not working. You were clearly trying to send a message about spending quality time with the family over playing on the Internet. Message received. I was somewhat disappointed that the front desk forgot my wakeup call, still it only cost me $400 to reschedule my flight so really it was not a big deal. I really enjoyed your breakfast buffet and were it not for the salmonella, I would definitely try it again. Unfortunately, I did not get to try out your swimming pool as I found its greenish color to be slightly off-putting. Still, the kids I saw swimming in it seemed to be having a good time. Too bad their trip ended so badly. I saw them in the hospital too. Rashes all over their bodies- the poor things. Overall, I feel confident in saying that I would rate your hotel as 8 out of 10.

Email: Regarding your recent review of our hotel: Dear Mr. Rice, thank you for your review. I was glad to hear our hotel exceeded your expectations and hope to see you again in the future! Signed- Hotel Manager.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace

In these troubled times many believe themselves to be trapped in jobs in which they are underappreciated and/or underpaid. Do not despair, the answers to many of your problems can be found within you. You must get in touch with your inner Orbson and take control of your workplace before it’s too late.

Following "Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace" is guaranteed to get results. What those results might be, who knows, you’ll probably be fired and maybe even arrested. Still, they’re guaranteed results. Plus, if you end up in jail you’ll get a roof over your head, three meals a day and health care, so many would consider that a step up.

Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace

Step 1: Embrace the Change Within: You must embrace the knowledge that your job sucks and that you are 100% committed to the desuckification process. Only with acceptance of the problem can recovery begin.

Illustration: Stanley admits to himself that his job sucks and that he will do anything necessary to desuckify it.

Step 2: Identifying the Soul Sucking Leach Who Makes Your Life Hell: Every day you go into work and you see someone that immediately sucks any happiness or optimism right out of you. Identification of the leach and/or leaches is necessary in order to move to Step 3.

Illustration: After much thought, Stanley identifies two people who make his life hell. First, his supervisor Dan, who in addition to being an asshole likes to publicly berate Stanley at least twice a day. The second is an important client named Mary who represents a multi-national corporation. Mary continuously blames Stanley for every little thing that goes wrong regardless of the fact that she causes most of the problems.

Step 3: Operation You Fucked with the Wrong Man/Woman: Subtly is key here as this step is all about intelligence gathering. It is time to dig through every personal and professional bit of information you can find about your targets. You should also consider hiring a private investigator to assist with the work.

Illustration: Stanley begins to take note of every aspect of Dan and Mary’s lives. Quickly, he has a thick file on each of them.

Step 4: Locating the Jugular: Here you should examine the information you have gathered and look for weak spots you can exploit.

Illustration: Stanley finds that Dan has been having marital problems, has three outstanding parking tickets and will often go the bar next to the office on Monday nights to watch football, down a few beers and flirt with the female bartender. Also, Stanley’s investigator was able to track down a payment to Mary by Girls Gone Wild and was able to locate photographs of her flashing the camera during Spring Break. Further, there is an important meeting coming up between Dan, Mary and their respective bosses.

Step 5: Setting the Stage: You must now utilize your newfound knowledge to design a plan to desuckify your workplace.

Illustration: Stanley changes the meeting time to 8PM Monday night making each party believe the other is responsible. He then tells Mary that Dan has requested her 10 minutes early in order to discuss a few issues. At 6PM, Stanley offers to take Dan to the nearby bar for a quick drink, mentioning to Dan that the bartender had been asking about him. Dan agrees. Stanley gives the bartender a $50 bill to put a small amount of a drug that makes alcohol significantly more effective. As she has always been disgusted by Dan, she is happy to help. Dan is wasted by 7:00PM. He is concerned about the meeting, but Stanley assures him that he will tell everyone Dan was sick and had to go home. However, they need to go back to Dan's office to find the paperwork for Stanley to use in the meeting. The falsely flirtatious bartender keeps him distracted until they head back to the office at 7:40PM. What Dan doesn’t know is that Stanley’s investigator has wallpapered Dan's office and computer with the Girls Gone Wild photographs of a very topless Mary. He has also contacted Dan's wife asking her to be at the same office at exactly 7:55PM and that he has some explanations as to why Dan is often “working late” on Mondays. Stanley escorts Dan into his office at 7:45PM.

Step 6: Grab the Popcorn and Enjoy the Show: Step back and watch as your plan unfolds.

Illustration: Dan is shocked to see the photographs of Mary but far too drunk to make much sense of the situation. Stanley tells him to sit down while he gets a janitor to clean up the office. Dan doesn’t notice that the chair is drenched in urine until it’s too late. His pants are soaked so he quickly removes them just as Mary walks in. She sees the intoxicated and pantless Dan in the room full of pictures she had thought nobody would ever find out about. Seconds later Dan's wife enters the room. She is enraged and starts yelling at Dan and Mary. He is slime, she has always known that fact and her mother was right, she should have left him a long time ago. The end of her tirade is caught by Dan and Mary’s bosses who walk in to see Mary trying to remove the photographs, the pantless and drunk Dan and the irate wife. Stanley then walks in. Dan tries to grab at the lifeline. “Stanley, tell them I was with you. Tell them I don’t know anything about these pictures. I didn’t do any of this.” Stanley enjoys his triumph by looking disgusted and saying, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just got here.” To the bosses he states, “I told them they shouldn’t carry on this way- the sex, the pictures, it’s just not professional.” As the bosses stare angrily at Dan and Mary, Stanley gives them a quick wink and smile.

Step 7: Twist the Knife and Enjoy Your New Life: Celebrate your freedom, but first, how about one more smidgen of fun.

Illustration: Everyone is leaving. Mary and Dan have been fired. Stanley has impressed the bosses with a detailed business plan, saving the meeting and the business relationship. As Stanley watches in pleasure as Dan drives away, he pull out his cell phone, dials 911 and speaks in a worried voice. “Hello, I just saw a drunk guy leaving the bar. He’s pretty wasted. I tried to stop him but he kept saying stuff like ‘no f’in cop can get me. I don’t even pay parking tickets. F’them all. He was driving a black SUV, the license plate is….”

Friday, August 26, 2011

"...the beautiful"- Literary Art

Today, I have decided to share another piece of my "Literary Art" with you. You may remember one of my prior entries entitled "11"-Literary Art in which I explained my attempt to use words to illustrate the museum in my brain. "... the beautiful" is one of the first pieces I created. I warn you that this piece is extremely graphic and disturbing. I quite literally felt nauseous as I wrote the following. Inspired by a combination of news stories I read during one news day, I wanted to create a lasting photographic image that could burn into a person's memory, haunting them forever. Orbson Disciples are by now very familiar with the vast respect and love I have for all women. I find it unfortunate that not everyone shares that respect...

Title: …the beautiful

Subject: The treatment of women in the United States of America.

Medium: Photography. Mostly black and white with certain aspects represented with full and strong colors.


The scene is a cold, gray alley that could be in any major city. Garbage bags both opened and unopened are strewn about from an overflowing dumpster. Graffiti plagues all of the surfaces. The photograph, while posed, appears completely realistic, as if you could walk directly into that alley and smell that garbage. You see small glimpses of color bursting amongst the mess from the otherwise black and white image. However, your eyes are locked onto the soulless cement ground where a young woman in her early 20’s lies in pain amongst the filth. Her expression is one of complete anguish and her face is wet with a mixture of blood and tears. Her clothes have been torn away revealing deep bruises over her body, covered in a mixture of dirt and violently red blood. The bruising extends to her thighs. You know what has happened. She is grasping a small, torn and filthy American flag in her hands. She is trying to use it to cover herself. She pulls and grasps as if it could provide protection, but it is too small.

You need to look away from the horrific image of the young woman and notice again the small bursts of color. A few feet away from the woman you see a Fortune 500 magazine cover with the “Richest Fifteen People in America”, only two of which are women. Covered partially by the dumpster there is an old broken street sign with only the number “80” visible. This represents the fact that even today, women make only 80% of what a man makes in the same job. Amongst the garbage hanging loosely from the dumpster you see a partially torn Victoria’s Secret poster which someone drew a penis upon. You look closer at the garbage upon the ground and note that the bags seem to form the number “6”. In the U.S.A. a woman is raped every 6 seconds. Upon the opposite wall from the dumpster you see a spray painted “15”. In the U.S.A. a woman is battered every 15 seconds. Every bit of color in the photograph represents the treatment of women. You notice that the only colors used were red, white and blue. You feel nauseous as you gaze again at the fragile and distressed young woman. You see the red, white and blue again in the American Flag. That American flag that does not cover, does not protect and does not heal.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

F#%k Censorship

As an avid reader, I find any talk of censorship to be truly appalling. Every year the American Library Association reviews challenges from across the United States on a wide variety of “offensive books”. The most recent publicized attempt at censorship occurred in that liberal Mecca we call Republic, Missouri. Republic High School’s School Board removed Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s, Slaughterhouse-Five and Sarah Ockler’s, Twenty Boy Summer from the school’s library because of such things as sexually explicit content, violence and profanity. Roberta Combs, president of Christian Coalition of America (no I did not make that up) stated, "That's not what our kids should be reading and learning.” Combs, who for the sake of clarity I will now refer to as “That Right Wing Psycho Religious Bitch Freak from Hell” is the same woman who tried to ban the Harry Potter Series and considered a ban on the Twilight Series. "These Twilight books are very disturbing books for family values. Teen marriage is not the standard, but the part that is more troubling is the vampire. It's just not normal for young people to idolize a vampire." I’m not convinced though. If people can’t idolize a cold, heartless, soulless monster, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin would have never become famous.

The ability of public schools to restrict access of certain books in their libraries has long been a contentious issue. U.S. Supreme Court Justice William Brennan, in Texas v. Johnson stated, “If there is a bedrock principle underlying the First Amendment, it is that the Government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable.” As Orbson Rice, I find this particular decision very useful. It gives me the freedom to randomly say obscene stuff like fuck you Republicans, pussylicker, and anal lube. However, as it comes to public schools it becomes more complex. In Island Trees School District v. Pico By Pico, Justice Brennan, in a plurality decision stated, “…we hold that local school boards may not remove books from school library shelves simply because they dislike the ideas contained in those books….” In the dissenting opinion, Justice O’Conner points out the obvious problems involved in having a court decide what the motivations are for a school board’s choice to remove a book. Personally, I think Orbson Rice should decide what students should or should not read.

Look, the ability to learn would be severely limited if the only books that are taught are the ones that never cross into the realm of vulgarity and obscenity. If I walked up to a bookshelf and removed everything that had violence, sexuality, profanity, vampires, magic or anything that someone somewhere might find offensive, there would be very little of substance left. Heck, even the Bible featured Jesus the Zombie. How is a teacher supposed to explain the horrors of the Holocaust without detailing the graphic atrocities endured by millions of people? How do you read books on the Civil War without any reference to violence? How do you discuss a teenager coming of age without referencing the changes and urges that teenagers feel? When you ignore the truths of the world you can never truly understand or empathize with anyone different from you. You don’t even really understand yourself. You end up becoming the worse kind of conservative- stupid and blind.

I believe in learning as much as you possibly can. That often means looking at the corners which are not all sunshine and puppies. Recently, NewSouth Books published a version of Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn in which the word “nigger” was replaced with “slave”. There is no question about the negativity and racism associated with the “n” word. However, the 1800’s were not all about love and tolerance. Art, literature and music are reflections of the times they were created. We must embrace the good and the bad to truly understand where we have been, where we are now and where we hope to be in the future. We should not change literature to fit with current morals; we should study, discuss and learn from those exchanges. By the way, changing Mark Twain’s works is even more preposterous when you realize that Twain was an avid supporter of equal rights for everyone.

We are supposed to live in a free and democratic nation, not a democratic Christian nation. We cannot allow the opinions of a few to dictate the education offered in public schools. If parents want to minimize the impact of “offensive” materials they always have the option of attending private religious schools. In the meantime, it is the parent’s responsibility and not the school’s to monitor their child’s reading lists for books they find “offensive”. Then, they can do one of two things. First, they can explain their issue to the teacher and ask them to excuse the student from those lessons and assign a different book for him or her to read. I don’t support this method of “teaching”, but I do support the right of the parent to act according to their own belief system. The second and better option is to read the book along with the student and thoroughly discuss the issues the parent(s) have with the book. What they should not do is try to impose their views on every child in that school and every parent in that community by trying to ban the book.

Censorship is a very real issue. In 2010-2011 thus far, Anne Frank: the Diary of A Young Girl, The Hunger Games and The Catcher in the Rye, along with hundreds of other books have been challenged and/or banned. Some of the other more commonly challenged books include such titles as Nineteen Eighty-Four, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, For Whom the Bell Tolls, Gone With the Wind, Goosebumps Series, Harry Potter Series, Of Mice and Men, The Outsiders, To Kill a Mockingbird, Ulysses and Judy Blume’s, Are You There God it’s Me Margaret. As the new school year begins, the list of challenged and banned books will skyrocket. I for one, won’t be waiting until Banned Book Week to grab the nearest banned book and start reading.

Orbson Online: I just found a pretty cool website. Not sure if they are true stories but definitely inspirational. They are also very short for those with Attention Deficit Disorder: www.makesmethink.com

Relevant Jams From Back in the Day:

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Liberal Guilt

We have all heard of “Catholic Guilt”. You know, that feeling you get after a particularly satisfying sexual encounter. The next thing you know, you suddenly feel exceptionally guilty for having “sinned”. Luckily Orbsonism is free of that gobbledygook. In fact, copulation is a highly recommended activity. However, lately I have been feeling a different kind of guilt. One that is not related to sex, but the little decisions I make every day. I believe I may be experiencing “Liberal Guilt”.

My experience began with a simple decision. I chose to go out to eat instead of making dinner at home. We decided on a small pizza place where we ordered a specialty pizza, cheesebread (because you gotta have cheesebread) and a couple of iced teas. The total cost was about $30. As I was paying the bill, I suddenly had a strong feeling of guilt. Suddenly, my $30 night out seemed gluttonous. Ever since, whenever I eat out I think about all of the people who are going hungry in the world and how that $30 could probably feed them for a week. Of course I still do it, but now I feel guilty.

If this was a one-time occurrence, I could probably get over it. However the guilt is having a Sword of Damocles effect. I feel guilty for shopping at Walmart instead of a local family-owned grocery store. I’m cheap. The same bread I buy at Walmart for $2 is $4.29 elsewhere. I probably save 60% or more by shopping at the most evil of all grocery stores. Fiscally, it is a smart choice, but still I feel the shame. The guilt just keeps adding every time I drink from a plastic water bottle, don’t recycle the peanut butter jar because it’s a pain to clean or choose the fancy iced tea in the store.

The answer to this conundrum eludes me. I could diet on Ramen Noodles and donate every spare penny to charities but let’s face it, I am not THAT liberal. Sometimes I think it must be nice to be a Republican. If you don’t care about anyone but yourself, then you can do whatever you want without consequence. Of course that pesky religion thing means they’ll never get laid. Yes, we liberals definitely have the better end of that deal. So I’ll eat my pizza, drink my tea, let little Orbson out to play and keep trying to attack policies that eliminate jobs and create poverty. That’s right Republicans, I’m coming after you.

Orbson’s Boycotting Barnes & Noble: I ordered a HP Touchpad, I got a confirmation and my credit card was charged. Two days later I get an email saying “oops, so sorry we don’t have any”. I was refunded but I want my Touchpad. How do you oversell inventory? Simple business principle, I have 100 to sell, I don’t sell 20,000! I heard a rumor that B&N left the link on so that they could collect user information for free. I dismissed this as another conspiracy theory. Next day, they sent me 3 emails! In response, I am boycotting B&N for 1 year. Of course, I buy my books at Costco and Amazon, but still, I won’t sit in their chairs while reading their magazines for a year. So there!

Orbson on Sookie: As I watched Bill and Alcide stand over a dying Sookie on last weekend’s episode of True Blood, I found myself thinking, “Quick, clap your hands really fast and say ‘I do believe in fairies! I do believe in fairies!”

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Happy Screw With a Republican Day

August 23 is upon us and it’s time for another Orbson holiday. For too long, August has been the forgotten month. Yes, it is National Goat Cheese Month and sure we do get to gaze in awe at the Perseid Meteor Shower, but where’s the holiday? Therefore, I Orbson Rice do hereby proclaim August 23 to be Screw With a Republican Day! As you know, every Orbson holiday gives you certain inalienable rights. You are allowed to blow off work, put off any chores at home and can completely pamper yourself. Oh, and don’t forget the hourly sex games! So grab your favorite goat cheese as we explore the wonders of this most amusing of holidays.

All year long, Republicans are allowed to screw with us. From their insane comments and made-up facts to their desire to make sure their Presidential candidates are verifiably insane. Today, we turn the crazy around. Each Orbson Disciple should celebrate the holiday in a unique and interesting way. However, I wouldn’t be Orbson Rice without a few suggestions to get you thinking. Now each of us knows a Republican. Whether through family, work, or even the occasional friend there is always someone who quotes Sarah Palin and uses the words “those people” in most of their conversations. So, find your nearest Republican and start screwing:

1. Donate money to a liberal organization on their behalf. Imagine the look on avid hunter Uncle Larry’s face when he receives a letter from P.E.T.A. thanking him for his donation. Don’t stop there though, have P.E.T.A. send out donation packs to his hunting buddies saying that good ol’ Larry donated and he thinks they should too.

2. That gas guzzling SUV would look a lot nicer with an “Obama 2012” bumper sticker on the back. Afraid they’ll just rip it off? Get a bunch and keep putting them on and if they ask, just tell them that Jesus made you do it.

3. Good ol’ conservative Aunt Mary likes to send you daily emails talking about the evil Democrats? Time to get back at her. How about signing her email address up to every liberal organization you can think of. Hey, maybe a few hundred liberal emails a day will rub off on her.

4. Your conservative friend is on Facebook? I think it may be time for a few comments on his Wall. “Hey, great to see you at the Dennis Kucinich rally last night.” “Hey, I loved your article about how we should repeal the 2nd Amendment. You’re right, guns are evil.” “Dude, saw you at the gay pride rally last night. Great speech on legalizing gay marriage!”

These are just a few simple ideas to get you started. However, if you really want to screw with a Republican, then I have the perfect recipe for you. Read. Listen. Research. Think. Understand. Be compassionate to someone when you get nothing in return. Pick up litter. Plant a tree. Have amazing sex with whomever you want. The best way to screw with a Republican is using your brain, respecting your planet and treating others well. That is what really screws with Republicans.

So, get out there and have fun celebrating Screw with a Republican Day! Now if you’ll excuse me it is time for another exotic game of Riding the Albino Alpaca Aye. Canadian sex games are always so dirty…

Orbson Tweets: “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” movie? That’s like calling a porn movie “Get Your Hand out of Your Pants”.

Orbson Read What? To Avoid Brain-Eating Amoebas, Hold Your Nose I didn’t read the whole article so just to be safe I’ll be holding my nose 24/7.

Orbson at the Movies: Spy Kids 4 (starring Jessica Alba) will be giving out scratch and sniff cards to audience members so they can smell the action on the screen. I’m not sure how realistic this will be. I think I should smell Jessica Alba just to make sure it’s consistent.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Orbson's Feeling Gassy: Also Known as The Bachmann Effect

Republican Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann has been busy on the campaign trail. Her latest campaign promise? Last Tuesday she told a group of supporters that, "Under President Bachmann you will see gasoline come down below $2 a gallon again…. That will happen.” I don’t know about you but when I read the words “President Bachmann” a little bit of vomit came up. However, I will ignore that nightmare scenario for a while and dig into the issue of the day.

I seriously wonder how people like this can get out of bed everyday without a post it note on their foreheads saying “get up now”. This shouldn’t even be a partisan issue it should be a simple common sense issue. There are two facts that I have yet to see questioned. First, there is a limited amount of oil on our planet. We do not know the exact amount, but we know that at some point it will run out. Secondly, using oil in our vehicles causes massive environmental issues that affect our air, land and water.

Look, the answer isn’t finding more places to drill oil. We have done enough damage. The answer is discovering ways to use clean energy to fuel our daily lives. Drilling for new oil is like trying to build a new relationship by visiting a whorehouse. You put your pipe in a hole, get the fluids pumping and then you go home alone. All you get is a quick fix and a significant likelihood your dingleberries will turn green and die. If you want a happy and healthy relationship, if you want to keep your dingleberries intact, you need to stop trying to find dirty new holes and start looking for a long-term solution. I heard wind gives a nice “blow” job (sorry I couldn’t resist).

The point is that I do not want $2 gas. I would prefer that it never drops below $4 again. The oil and automobile companies want us to keep drilling. They pay a shitload of money on lobbyists and politicians. Don’t believe me? Good? Orbson always says to question everything. Take a look for yourself at websites such as Open Congress where you can track the money donated to politicians. You may be surprised to see how often an industry’s biggest advocate in Congress is also getting a lot of money from that industry. Is it in the best interests of the people the politician represents? Hardly ever. Unfortunately this is not just a Republican truth, you’ll find it on both sides of the aisle.

Now some Smart people will likely ask me, “Orbson, I agree with what you say, but shouldn’t we dig a little bit? There are a lot of poor people who cannot afford $4 gas. They're suffering without cheaper gas.” I understand this question and the answer is not easy. The problem with our country is that everyone feels entitled. We are entitled to all of the services we want, but don’t want to pay any of the bills. If gas were $2 people wouldn’t complain, the Prius wouldn’t be so popular (I want one) and automobile companies wouldn’t be worried about building cars with better fuel economy. Even the Smart people can get complacent when everything is too easy. We owe it to our children’s children to act. We must suffer a little now for the betterment of the future. We, as a nation, have fallen behind the rest of the world in mass transit. We consume and consume. Yet, our feelings of entitlement have blinded us to the damage we are doing. Finally, if you are still unsure, ask yourself this, what would Jesus drive? (The answer is a unicycle. I asked him last weekend during our latest Vegas adventure.)

Orbson’s Feeling Relevent: Why are all of our politicians taking bus tours around the country? Great, 3 miles a gallon, way to be pro environment and set a good example. No, I’m not just talking about the Palin bus debacle; Obama himself had a bus tour. Barack buddy, what were you thinking? What’s next? PETA dons fur coats and takes us hunting? Planned Parenthood holding Orgyfest 2011? Fox News reporting on… News? Seriously people, at least pretend you care about the Earth.

Orbson’s Online Presence: Don’t worry, not porn this week. Today’s website is Politifact. The Pulitzer Prize winner for National Reporting is run by the St. Petersburg Times and calls out politicians with their “truth-o-meter”. Particularly amusing is their “pants on fire” rating.

Orbson on His Hometown: Last weekend was the Michigan Dream Cruise. This is a celebration that involves parading old gas-guzzling cars up and down Woodward Avenue while people sit by the side of the road drinking beer. Of course on Monday morning things will go back to normal. You’ll still find people sitting by the side of the road drinking beer as gas guzzling cars drive by. However, now they’ll be holding up cardboard signs that say “Will work for food.”

Currently Jamming To:

Friday, August 19, 2011

Legalizing Child Labor- An Experiment in Sarcasm

According to a recent study, there were 15 million children in the United States of America living in poverty in 2009. That is roughly 1 in 5 kids. Now, I may be watching too much Fox News but I can’t help but think that there are 15 million very lazy brats in this country and it’s time we put a stop to the madness. Before I’ll go into my multi-step plan, let me fill you in on the rest of the story.

The Annie E. Casey Foundation reported that more than 30 million children (2 in 5) live in a household “where no parent had a full time year-round job”. They are quick to point out that the last time the statistics were this bad was in the early 1990s, just after the Reagan and Daddy Bush years. Under Clinton, the U.S. made substantial progress, yet for some reason in 2000 the number of impoverished kids began rising dramatically. Now those liberal hippies would like to point out that when a Democrat is President, kids are better off, but I don’t buy the premise. I think that kids are living in poverty because they’re not getting off of their tiny butts and getting a job. Yet the liberals keep pointing to all of their “facts”.

One fact is that states with the worse incidents of child poverty are conservative southern states such as Alabama, Louisiana and the much maligned Mississippi which actually holds the last place ranking (for the 10th consecutive year) with over 31% of their kids living in poverty. On the other hand, the top states for children were New Hampshire, Minnesota, Massachusetts and Vermont. All of which voted Democrat in the last election. I call shenanigans! Clearly these so called facts are being used to confuse the good people of the south. I call upon my fellow conservatives to ignore these deceptions and implement the following plan:

First: In 1938, Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Fair Labor Act which placed limits on child labor. FDR was also responsible for Social Security and giving federal rights to workers to form unions and collectively bargain their employment contracts. Clearly this was another liberal hippy Democrat who doesn’t believe in hard work. What? He was a Republican? Well, he was probably a closet hippie. Anyway, the first step is to repeal this Act.

Second: Shrink the school day to 45 minutes so that these kids can get to work. Look, clearly school is not working otherwise this country would be much better off. So rather than waste time trying to read, write and learn the other stuff that schools allegedly teach, let’s just skip it all. The children will spend 45 minutes a day in Science class where they will discuss the wonders of Creationism and The Bible.

Third: Get the brats working! Look, I have seen 6-years-olds with far more energy than I have at 37. Get them working in fast food, construction, retail and factory work. Where there is a need, stick them in. They are not really a full person yet so you only need to pay them a portion of what a grown person makes. $1 an hour sounds generous. They work 14 hour days, 7 days a week and suddenly that family is not so impoverished is it? Best thing, if the kids get a little tired, just hook up a sugar IV and you can extend their work day to 16-18 hours easily. Meanwhile, businesses grow with easy access to cheap labor. Win-win situation.

In conclusion, we spend too much time coddling lazy good for nothing people in this country. All of these liberals are simply looking for a handout. Well, the next time you see my hand out, it will be because I am about to slap some sense into you. Get your brats in line, get the books out of their hands and get them to work.

It bothers me that I feel the need to say this, but just in case this is read by some random moron in cyberspace you should know this article is dripping with sarcasm. Clearly I don’t think that 6-year-olds should be working. They can start much earlier.

Orbson’s Blue Ballin: “Taylor Swift Wardrobe Malfunction” Talk about disappointment! A misplaced wind machine that blows her skirt up to show off a pair of granny panties is not worthy of the phrase “wardrobe malfunction”. Seriously, that is all I get. I already had one hand on the Orbson sword and was ready to start swinging. All I get is an upskirt? So very sad.

Orbson at the Movies: Shark Night 3D! You know, they just don’t make classic movies like this anymore. I have not even seen it yet and I am already filling out my Oscar ballot. Go Shark!

Cuurently Jamming To:

Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Age of Absolutes

Conservatives deal in absolutes: You must never raise taxes. You must cut the debt. You must have a small government. You must not get caught in the men’s room getting a blowjob from your “friend” José. The problem with absolutes is that they leave no room for intelligent decision making. True intelligence is not latching on to one ideology and riding it off of a cliff. It is a never-ending journey of educating yourself and creating strategies based on all of the data you obtain. The failure of people to see beyond their own front doors and realize that other ideas have value is one of the fundamental reasons our country is a verifiable toilet bowl of crazy people.

I pondered these notions as I considered one of the more popular waves of hate spewed by the Teabaggers. Many seem to believe that government aid programs like food stamps and welfare are only used by people who do not want to work. That essentially, these people are lazy and a burden to our society. Whenever I hear this it makes me sick. I grew up in a low-income area with a single mother who worked two and sometimes three jobs to get us by. A few years ago, she was permanently laid off from her company. A company she had dedicated 30 years of her life and had received multiple commendations for exceptional work. She never made much money, but she worked hard. She looked for other employment, but Michigan was (and still is) in a depression and there were no jobs. She spoke with one employer who told her that he had received 300 applications for a part-time gas station attendant for the midnight shift. Yes, some people probably take advantage of the system however, that is a problem of enforcement. The fact is that in Orbson’s world when someone falls, you pick them up. What type of society do we want to be? One that turns our backs on our neighbors, or one that will try to help each other thrive? In the end, helping them thrive will be far more beneficial economically and morally.

To illustrate my point further, here are two conflicting stories:

The Teabagger Story of John and Mary

John and Mary live in a $250,000 house in a nice suburb in southeast Michigan. They both work fulltime and earn a combine $75,000 per year. They are in a “debt crisis”. Oh no, what should they do?! Well, the Teabaggers say, “Gee whiz John and Mary. You have been spending way too much. It may be time to tighten your belts.” So John and Mary look at their budget and find that by trading in one their Lexus SUVs for an Audi, getting rid of HBO, taking out a small loan against their house to pay off their credit cards and setting the thermostat to 74 during the day instead of 71, they can balance their budget and live happily ever after. The Teabaggers celebrate! Yippeee!

Unfortunately, reality is a little different:

The True Orbsonwood Story of John and Mary

John and Mary live in a house they paid $250,000 for but due to the economy is now only worth $140,000. They still owe $210,000 on their mortgage so selling is not an option. Mary lost her job when her company outsourced her position. Even with a Master’s degree she has been unable to find full time employment because there are no jobs. John was forced to take a pay cut this past year and now their combined annual income is $30,000. They have sold all but one of their vehicles and now drive around in an 8-year old Toyota Corolla that needs repairs. They have cancelled cable, entertainment, date nights and Christmas but are barely scraping by on John’s salary and credit cards. Their total debt grows rapidly with no end in sight. Unfortunately, John slips and falls on the sidewalk and injures his back. The medical bills mount quickly. They try to collect food stamps but are turned down because they “make too much money”. They sell clothes and heirlooms on Ebay, but are finally forced to declare bankruptcy. John and Mary lose their house to foreclosure and are forced to move in with John’s parents after John loses his job due to too many sick days after his accident. They apply for welfare. The Teabaggers and those suffering SUVitis call John and Mary “lazy” and a “drain on good hard working people.” Welcome to the new America.

The moral of these stories is simple. There is a major disconnect between conservatives and the rest of the people in this country. Many of the well-off do not know what it is like to be poor or to struggle to live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t condemn them for their good fortune; however I despise them for their lack of empathy. There are millions of people like John and Mary. However, the Teabaggers of the world don’t see it. They put on their silly hats and talk about how “Tyrone and LaQuisha” are lazy criminals.

Orbson sees a world where the “government of the people” gives a helping hand to people like John and Mary and Tyrone and LaQuisha. Not just a simple handout, but the tools to change their futures for the better. Programs like job retraining and a volunteer requirement to receive aid can better the nation while putting the couples into a position to pay into the tax system later. Invest now to see results later. You can’t do that without government. You can’t do that without taxes. You can’t do that without empathy. In the end, the only "absolultes" Orbson Rice supports is compassion and vodka.

Orbson on the News: Christine O'Donnell walks off of her interview with CNN's Piers Morgan after Morgan has the audacity to expect her to answer questions. I'm on the Teabag Witch's side on this one. Nobody should ever expect Christine O'Donnell to be able to answer a question. It's like asking a sheep to do calculus - it just stares at you.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The State of the Orbson

The midnight hour is here and yet another Orbson blog entry has magically ejaculated itself into the Blogger universe. As I pondered the many topics I could discuss, I decided I wanted to write about The Orbson Oracle and the future of this great blog.

This is the 28th entry since the birth of the Oracle. For the most part, I have been able to do what I have set out to do. To speak my truth regardless of what anyone else might think. In just over a month’s time, I now have 6 official disciples and over 600 page views of those 28 entries. That’s averaging about 21 views per article. Not too bad considering I initially only let 5 people know about the blog. Still, I would love to see the Oracle’s reach grow. I have dreams of the day when Jon Stewart quotes Orbson Rice on The Daily Show.

Which brings me to my current quandary - how do I make this blog grow? Since they don’t make blog enlargement devices, I will probably have to start marketing. I despise selling myself. It was fine in college, but I’m older now and they’re hanging a bit lower. I would rather write down my words and sit back as throngs of people gather to bow at my feet. However the “if you write it, they will come” approach to marketing rarely works. Interesting side note, I have learned that I don’t really like a great deal of my Facebook “friends”. When I went through the 70 odd friends on Facebook I only found 28 that I thought would appreciate this blog. Meaning that 42 of them don’t really share my ideals or sense of humor. I think it may be time for a deep cleaning of the social networking sites.

So, the Orbson State of the Union Address reads as this: Disciples, The Orbson Oracle lives on. The God of Words will try to write words of truth, common sense and humor as long as you continue to read and share my words. I see a combination of Disciple growth and pissed off conservatives in our future. I promise to be more perverse, more inflammatory and more insane in the coming weeks, but you too can contribute. Share the articles you like on Facebook, sign up for my Twitter feed, spread the word of Orbson and for those 15 of you that read my blog every day but have yet to become official disciples, do it now! One day I might have a special commemorative pin for the first one-hundred Orbson Disciples and you wouldn’t want to miss out on that!

Interesting and Odd Orbson Oracle Facts:

Most popular article:Debt Ceilings, Pennies and Stupid People

Second most popular article (and my personal favorite):
Michele Bachmann’s Secret Army of Killer Robot Piñatas

Countries of Origin: The vast majority are in the U.S., however I have readers in Malaysia, Germany, Brazil, Canada, Indonesia and South Africa. That is pretty cool! Orbson Rice is global!

Referring websites: Facebook has been the best thus far but both NPR and The Huffington Post are close behind thanks to some well placed article comments.

Most Recent Tweets:

Is it wrong to lock a group of hypochondriacs into a room with a bunch of computers hooked up to WEBMD? Cuz it kinda makes me smile...

I only tweet late at night when I'm alone. It's like my teenage years all over again, only without lubricant.

Orbson Word of the Day- Special thanks to my Merriam-Webster Word of the Day email for this one:

Defenestration \dee-fen-uh-STRAY-shun\ noun
1: a throwing of a person or thing out of a window
2: a usually swift dismissal or expulsion (as from a political party or office)

I don’t think I need to explain why this is so funny to me. Still, Mrs. Orbson made it even funnier:

Mrs. O: Defenestration? Can you use it as a verb? Like, "I would like to defenestrate this moose"?

Orbson: Hmmm, that sounds a little dirty.

Mrs. O: (laughs) I meant like defenestrate a stuffed moose (she holds up a small stuffed reindeer)

Orbson: (rolling on the floor now) Yeah, like that would make it less dirty.

Mrs. Orbson would like to point out that these were not her exact words. However, as they are the words that I heard, I’ll write them as such. Hopefully Mrs. Orbson will not defenestrate me out of our 3rd floor apartment.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Grand Canyon to be ‘Filled In’ For Theme Park

Ultra-Conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC), made waves on Monday when they successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement and build the first ever “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range”. The JLC is a non-profit organization dedicated to obtaining properties deemed as “historic” or “environmentally significant” for major corporations to exploit. The JLC has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling companies.

A JLC spokesperson stated, “Today is a great day for those who love Jesus. The Grand Canyon is not ‘grand’, it is merely a giant hole in the ground. If you had a hole in your backyard you’d fill it up right? I personally like having the hole in my backyard filled up and I’ll do it again and again. The Grand Canyon is not profitable but the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range” will be. It will bring job growth to the region and increase tourism. At the same time, the park will spread the gospel, something the Grand Canyon never did.” The religious community agreed. Father Michael Carrington of the Church of God but Only My God Not Yours spoke, “I can’t wait to see the legions of alter boys on their knees and having a good time.”

Of course the liberal tree-huggers were in an uproar, using inflammatory language such as “deeply saddened” and “heartbroken” to describe their “feelings”. Luckily, conservatives are immune from these pesky emotions that seem to always dictate liberals’ responses. During the press conference, one such liberal actually raised their voice and accused the JLC: “While I understand and appreciate your beliefs and respect you very much, it breaks my heart to see such natural beauty destroyed. I’m sorry; I think I may have raised my voice to you. I’m deeply ashamed of my thoughtlessness. While we may disagree about this issue, I’m sure we will be able to come together in harmony in the future.” In response, the JLC spokesperson replied, “Go fuck yourself!”

The JLC’s efforts were a key speaking point during last weekend’s Iowa Straw Poll. During the political fundraiser, Mitt Romney summed up his feelings for the JLC and their conservative and corporate base in saying “Corporations are people too my friend.” Romney however, lost the Iowa Straw Poll with many commenting that the use of the words “my friend” were too tolerant and liberal for a potential Republican candidate.

Orbson’s Question of the Day- Why is the movie “Contagion” going to be released in 3D? Hell, why is it going to be released in theaters? It’s a movie about a quickly spreading disease. Sure, I want to be in a room filled with people coughing, sneezing and talking on their cell phones while I sit in a chair that hasn’t been washed since it was made and a floor that my shoes actually stick to. I don’t need 3D too.

Orbson Said What? – I never understood why people always use the term “You complete me” when discussing their relationship. I would never say that. It assumes that without someone else you are less than whole. I’d be like hey, there is only one hole I want to fill. Okay, two. But otherwise, you should have already been complete. Mrs. Orbson made me a better man, but I was already a man.

Currently Jamming Too-

Monday, August 15, 2011

Orbson Helps His Mom or Why Old People Shouldn’t Use Technology

I would like to preface the following conversation by stating that regardless of what you read below, my mother is in fact a smart person. This makes the following interaction that took place last weekend even more insane:

Mom: Orbson, I need your help with Grandma’s laptop.

Orsbon: Of course Mom, what can I do (begins banging head against wall).

Mom: The Internet is not working. I click on the “e” and a blank page comes up. The little colored box fills up but nothing happens.

Orbson: Little colored box? Never mind. Okay, we’ll start with the basics. Did you check all of the cables to make sure nothing got loose?

Mom: Yes.

Orbson: Great. Okay, first we are going to reset the modem. Is there a little box next to the laptop with a bunch of lights on it?

Mom: Yes.

Orbson: Okay that's the modem, find the cable that connects from the box to the wall outlet (crosses fingers).

Mom: What do you mean?

Orbson: The place where you plug the modem in (knocks head against wall a bit harder).

Mom: Oh, okay, I found it.

Orbson: Now unplug it, wait 30 seconds and plug it back in.

Mom: Where do I unplug it?

Orbson: The cable that connects the modem to the wall socket. Pull it out (rolls eyes in exasperation).

Mom: Okay, I did it.

Orsbon: Good, did the lights go off on the modem?

Mom: No.

Orbson: (Trying to stay calm) No?! Are you sure you unplugged the right thing?

Mom: Yes, the cord from the little box.

Orbson: The one with the lights (crosses fingers again)?

Mom: No, the other one.

Orbson: What other one?! What does it say on it (forehead feeling a little wet now)?

Mom: It says “AC Adaptor”.

Orbson: Okay, then you just unplugged the AC Adaptor. Plug it back in and unplug the cord going to the little box with the lights on it please (blood is now dripping down my forehead as I pretend to hang myself with a fake noose).

Mom: There is no cable that goes to the wall.

Orbson: (Confused now) It must be getting power from something. Where do the different wires go to?

Mom: Wait, let me try this…


At this point I have stopped the bleeding to my forehead but still feel woozey. I try her number a few times and it just rings, no answering machine, no mom. I figure she either somehow managed to disable the entire phone system or has managed to electrocute herself. I hoping for the former since the latter would make me sad. Finally, my phone rings…

Mom: (whispers) I am on grandma’s cell. I broke the whole phone system. Oh crap, what am I going to do?

Orbson: (calmly) You can’t break the phone system by unplugging a cable, just relax and tell me what you did.

Mom: I pulled the cord out that was going into the floor.

Orbson: The floor? Why did you…. Never mind. Did you plug it back in?

Mom: No. I didn’t want to break it anymore then it already is.

Orbson: (the blood from my forehead is flowing freely again and there is a new dent on the wall next to me) Plug it back in, it will fix the phone.

Mom: Are you sure?

Orbson: Yes Mom, I am sure.

Mom: Hey it's working again. I’ll call you back.

Orbson: We’re talking now, you don’t need to call me back… Mom? Mom? Geez.

Orbson: (Phone rings) Hello Mom.

Mom: It’s back.

Orbson: I know, you just called me.

Mom: No, I mean the Internet. MSNBC is back. Thanks so much for fixing it for me, you’re the best! Gotta run, talk to you on Tuesday. Love you, bye!

I stared blankly at the phone in my trembling hand for a good 60 seconds. I shake the cobwebs out of my head and make my way to the bathroom to clean myself up. A few minutes later the phone rings again. I stare at the caller ID. It’s my Mom again. Do I answer it or let it go to voice mail? I have a head injury, that’s a good excuse right? I answer the phone…

Orbson: Hi Mom.

Mom: (Happily) The Internet is down again but don’t worry, I know how to turn the phone system off so I can fix it myself.

Dear disciples, I apologize if my words this week are a little scattered. I accidentally gave myself a concussion….

Orbson Does His Part: New England Patriot wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco has decided to move in with a fan for 3 weeks. In keeping with this good deed, I Orbson Rice will allow a Victoria’s Secret model to move in with me for 3 weeks. Hey, we all need to do our part.

Orbson’s TV Take: I just turned on the TV to find “Dracula 2000” playing on American Movie Classics (AMC). I think its time they changed their name to WSAS or We’ll Show Any Ol Shit.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Orbson Fingers the Headlines

Every day I click through very news websites to find out what’s happening in the world. I usually hit BBC and CNN first but occasionally will peek at MSNBC. I avoid Fox News since it is not actually news but an evil corporate cesspool spreading fear, hate and ignorance to the Stupid. Anyway, as I was perusing stories I ran across a slew of headlines that I found a wee bit odd on MSNBC. So, I thought I would share. On an editorial note, I have no idea why these titles were not capitalized, I feel like I should know, I will likely lose sleep over this and yes I am a bit crazy but that is why you worship me.

Alaska volcano's eruption stirs concern about disruption

It’s a volcano people! I think you need to be concerned with a little more than a “disruption”. “Hey honey, this weird looking red stuff is flowing down the mountain and heading toward our house.” “Oh don’t worry dear; the news said there might be a ‘disruption’. Nothing to worry about.” Brought to you by the people who made Sarah Palin.

New leukemia treatment exceeds 'wildest expectations'

First of all, this is an awesome story and a potentially huge scientific breakthrough. Great job smart people! However, wouldn’t “wildest expectations” be a total cure and if so how did this “exceed” a total cure? Did it stomp out the leukemia and then make you shit out golden bricks. Cuz with the price of gold and the cost of healthcare, that would be really cool.

Poll: Most say US is on the wrong track

Duh! Did they really need a poll for this? Breaking news, many women find Hugh Jackman attractive. Breaking news, carrots are healthier than bacon cheeseburgers. Surprise, surprise, surprise….

'The Female Orgasm Explained' offered on Qantas flights

Finally, I don’t have to watch another rerun of Two and a Half Men on the airplane. I would prefer The Female Multiple Orgasm Explained but this will do. Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!

Groupon updates IPO filing, admits it's unprofitable

Hmmm, I am betting they bought too many Groupons and never used them before they expired.

Itunes Triumphant: Walmart kills its music download store

Walmart had a music download store?!? Why did they kill it? Was it naughty? Did itunes sneak in at night and defile the songs? I wish I had known Walmart had a music download store. I would have… well, I would have still purchased my music on Amazon.

Bert and Ernie won't be getting married

So let me get this straight. A petition has been formed to try and convince PBS that Bert and Ernie should announce their homosexuality and get married. There are over 3,000 “likes” on the movement’s Facebook page. It is good to see that with all of our country’s problems, people can focus on the important issues. Sesame Street Workshop’s reply? "Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most 'Sesame Street' Muppets do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation." Damn there goes any chance at a threesome with Kermit and Miss Piggy.

Candidates hit hard in testy GOP debate

Okay this is funny and scary and not just because of the word “testy”. I am beginning to think that someone is just playing a game with us. Let’s see if we can put together the craziest group of eight Republicans possible and see if the Stupid people will still vote for them. Seriously, it was like the “Evil League of Evil” was holding a rally to decide how best to fuck over the country. Of course, it was mostly complaining and infighting until the lead crazy person with all of the makeup showed up in her gas guzzling tour bus. No, not The Joker, I’m talking about the Queen of Crazy herself, Sarah Palin. I’m laughing, I’m crying, I’m eating a deep fried stick of butter. Poor Iowa. Poor U.S.A.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Sky is Falling! Umbrella Factories Make Billions

As you probably know, the U.S. economy is collapsing yet again. S&P downgrades, massive drops in the Dow, Emeril Lagasse is the new judge on Top Chef – things can’t get much worse. So why am I smiling? I’m smiling because I understand what is happening and what will likely happen in the future. Today I am going to share with you a little secret. This secret allowed me to profit during the “Great Recession” of 2008 and the aftershock of 2010. This secret makes me believe that I will pull in record profits this year. As a gift to my disciples, I am going to share my secret right now.

What I’m going to tell you is not complicated, it is actually insanely simple. The difficulty comes in not giving in to the general fear of the masses and using common sense and research to make educated decisions. The secret is this: When the stock market fluctuates this rapidly it is usually based on the confidence or lack of confidence of the masses. When there is a serious lack of confidence like there is now, prices drop across the board for shares of companies. This usually has absolutely nothing to do with an individual companies earnings or their future growth. Essentially, all of the publicly traded companies are currently on sale. Some are still a bad buy, but many represent great deals for phenomenal companies.

There are some obvious caveats. The 2008 collapse occurred through a combination of horrific banking practices, inflated real estate values and consumers who overspent on homes. In 2008, even after the collapse, I would not have invested in real estate. I still will not. However, I did invest in a little company called Alcon Technologies. Even though Alcon’s earning were solid, even though they had a strong line of new products, even though their products were medicinal (the last thing people usually stop buying) their share price dropped by more than 50%. That was crazy. There was no reason for that drop other than the market’s overall reaction to the economic climate. So I purchased the cheap shares of Alcon and watched with glee as it made all of its losses back within 6 months.

The moral of this story is that now is the time to invest. Now is the time to start researching companies and start making informed decisions to better yourself and your family. Whether you invest $5 of $5,000 don’t let this opportunity pass you by (Wow, this sounds like an infomercial). For many, this may seem like an imposing task. Venturing into an area you’re unfamiliar with can be scary but it does not need to be. Investing is very simple. All you are doing is purchasing part of a business. You do not need to run the business, create the product or market anything. All you need to worry about is whether it is a strong profitable company with a high likelihood of future success.

I will undoubtedly be writing more about investing in the coming months, but here are some exceptionally simplistic answers to questions/statements I have received in the past:

I don’t have the money to invest.

Look at where you are spending the money you do have. Can you make cuts. Investing $5 today can bring you $10 in the future, Will your daily Starbucks coffee do that?

I don’t have the time to figure out how to invest.

Look at where you are spending the time you do have. Would it be better to retire at 55 filthy rich or to watch every episode of The Bachelor? Plus, it doesn’t have to take that much time.

Where do I start?

A brokerage house. I like Fidelity Investments but there are others. Fidelity has offices in most major cities. Talk to them about your options. Also, if you have a 401k and an employer who matches contributions you need to max that baby out. Otherwise, you’re just throwing free money away.

How do I pick the company? I don’t understand all of those numbers and symbols.

I’m all about educating yourself, however that does take some time. Fidelity has great learning tools on their website. Also, keep reading this blog, I will likely have much more to say in the future. If you simply refuse to put forth the effort you should still consider mutual funds. This lets someone else do all of the work for you. You’ll still need to find a fund you like, but your broker can assist you. Funds range from ultra conservative to very risky so there is something for everyone. You could conceivably find the right fund(s) for you within an hour or two.

I have a bank CD, is enough of an investment?

For some of your money, perhaps. However, if you are not making at least 3% (and in this economy I doubt you are) you are actually losing value. Why? The rate of inflation is over 3%. $100 stuffed away in your mattress will simply not have the same buying power five years from now.

In conclusion, people generally don’t get rich by going to work every day (unless they are a pro athlete or movie star). They do so by making their employment income work for them. Regardless of your age, income level or competence with investing now is a great time to get started.


Orbson's TV Fix - True Blood! Until this show aired, I'd never seen anything where I can laugh out loud, be grossed out, get scared and get aroused within 30 seconds. Jessica better not be dead though, or Orbson will be pissed.

Orbson's Take- Bert and Ernie don't NEED to get married. It should be their CHOICE whether or not to get married.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Les Misérables

There was a time in my life where I found musicals to be a frivolous waste of time. I saw them as the fluff of an otherwise brilliant theater world. Playwrights like Tennesse Williams, Harold Pinter, Jean Genet and Edward Albee were masters. Meanwhile shows like Showboat, South Pacific and Anything Goes were simply pop culture drivel without artistic merit. I have performed in productions of Camelot, Bye Bye Birdie and The Music Man, but acting in Arthur Miller’s The Crucible has always been the only role I considered to have substance. Then, three things happened that would forever change my view of musical theater. First, I met Mrs. Orbson who absolutely loves musicals. Second, I got over myself. Yes I am brilliant, yes I can quote Shakespeare on command, but no I don’t want to be “that guy”. I prefer to be open-minded. I try not to judge until I have seen something for myself. Finally, and most importantly, Mrs. Orbson took me to see Les Misérables. My love affair with theater expanded in ecstasy as I watched the greatest musical and perhaps the greatest play I had ever seen. Orbson, theater and musical theater were now entangled in an exquisite ménage à trois.

This past weekend Mrs. O and I escaped our cave and ventured to Portland, Oregon to see the 25th Anniversary International Tour production of Les Misérables. This marked the 5th time I have seen the show live. We met up with a phenomenal friend and made our way to Keller Auditorium for the 3+ hour long performance. After five performances and owning three different Les Mis CD sets, I wasn’t sure if the performance would live up to my memories. I needn’t have worried. By intermission the performance swept me away to 19th century Paris where drama, action and romance collide in an epic musical display. From the exceptional performances to the stunning sets I had to stop myself from giving a standing ovation after every song. Les Misérables is a musical that I can study like literature – examining motifs in the very songs I am singing along to. This is a musical that makes me think as I watch a small group of students see the growing disparity between the wealthy and the impoverished. How’s that for relevant? As conditions worsen for the poor, the students, who themselves are well off, choose to revolt rather than stand idly by. They speak and fight for those cannot.

Of course any discussion of the Les Misérables would be pointless without mentioning the main character Jean Valjean. Here is a man who spends 15 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread to feed a starving child. Here is a man who is then released into a world that neither welcomes him back nor allows him the opportunity to prosper. I will not spoil his story for you but his path to redemption and willingness to put other’s needs first were only overshadowed by a voice that most pop singers would sell their soul for.

Finally, there is Éponine. There is something about this character that I find more compelling then perhaps any I have ever come across in literature. That’s saying something considering how much I read. In this performance, Éponine was portrayed in a very different manner, but it really worked. Her rendition of “On My Own” was definitely one of the best I’ve heard. I want to talk more about her, but I really don’t want to spoil it for those who have never experienced the show. Suffice it to say, when you get the opportunity to see this musical, watch her closely, think about what she sacrifices and ask yourself who is the real heroine.

Needless to say, Les Misérables opened my eyes to all that a musical could offer. Musicals like Rent, Avenue Q, The Scarlet Pimpernel and Wicked have all made their way into my top theater experiences. I fully expect the Book of Mormon to jump into the mix soon. However, Les Misérables will always be my first and truest musical love.

So Very Relevant...

One of My Favorite Songs by my Favorite Character...

Monday, August 8, 2011

Short Ass Blog

Orbson realizes past blogs are really long. He decides to write short ass blog to bring down the average word count. Here it is:

Entered the bathroom. Took painful and tedious dump. Wiped butt clean. Washed hands. Left bathroom.

Currently trending on: Northern bathroom tissue

Sunday, August 7, 2011

♫Now That God is Orbson Rice♫

Saturday, Texas Governor Rick Perry met with over 30,000 people at Houston’s Reliant Stadium in an all day “prayer-a-palooza” in which he and the participants prayed to God Almighty to fix the many problems plaguing the U.S. This is bloody brilliant. Forget about actually working to solve the problems, now we can just wait for a response. You know what I don’t underst… Hey Orbsonites, I have a visitor! It’s God! Hey girlfriend, how have you been?

God: Orbson, God of Words, it's truly an honor to be in your presense.

Orbson: Oh stop it God, you’re making me blush.

God: Orbson, if you’re not too busy battling the Stupid, I really need your help.

Orbson: Of course God, for you anything!

God: Well, this past weekend my prayer inbox got bombarded by a bunch of redneck Christian in-breeders from Texas. Do you know anything about that?

Orbson: Yeah, the Governor down there held a prayer rally. They were praying for your help to solve all of our nation’s problems.

God: Really? That’s what they wanted? All their messages said stuff like this “dere God, peaze be helpin us bee fitsfullee renposibel. Fixin are conomee peaze.” What the hell was I supposed to do with that?

Orbson: Trust me I know, I see it every day. So, what can I do to help you out?

God: Well obviously I am not going to waive my magic Buffalo Penis and make all of the problems go away. I gave them a brain and free will, so this shit is their responsibility to fix. Look, I usually just ignore morons like these but this time I’m really concerned. The Republicans have severely fucked things up in that country of yours and I am afraid the smart people, like your Disciples, will suffer if I don’t take action.

Orbson: So what are you thinking?

God: I am giving the rednecks what they want. The other deities speak very fondly of your work against the Stupid, so I am promoting you and asking you to oversee them from here on out. Henceforth you shall be known as Orbson Rice, Supreme God of Words, God of Common Sense, Master of Intelligence, Grand Master of Awesomosity and the Preeminent Being of Goodness.

Orbson: Thanks, it is always nice to see my efforts appreciated.

God: This puts you on the same deity level as me. Do me a favor though and don’t tell Buddha for a couple of days. He has been really on edge lately- something about a killer robot piñata being stuck in his ass.

Orbson: Of course, no problem. So how do I convince the crazy Christians down in Texas that you have made me their God? They might not believe me.

God: They will now. Just publish these words on the Orbson Oracle and if they truly believe in me they must follow everything you say. Otherwise they are committing the greatest of all sins and will live for eternity in Hell.

Orbson: Alright, I’ll give it a try, but you owe me one.

God: I owe you thousands, thanks Orbson. You rock! Okay here is my message. “People of Texas, I am your God. I have heard your pleas and being ever merciful, I am sending you my greatest friend and most trusted advisor, Orbson Rice. If you truly believe in me, if you truly follow my teachings then you must obey Orbson Rice. Only then, will you reach the Promised Land. I, God, pronounce that the one true religion is Orbsonism. Follow him, trust in him, believe in him and never question his benevolence.

Orbson: Thanks God, I’ll take it from here. See you at next week’s game.

Orbson: People of Texas, I am Orbson Rice. I have been touched by God who came to me in the shape of a deformed Twinkie. She spoke to me of your prayers and gifted me with powers beyond your imagination. I will answer your prayers and lead you out of despair and down the Mystical Path of Light to reach your inner Orbson. To prove yourselves worthy you must complete four tasks.

First, you must read every one of my writings on the Orbson Oracle. They shall be your guidelines for all future actions. If you have difficulty understanding the big words, ask a Democrat to help you. Second, you must renounce all false idols such as the crucifix, the church, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News and of course all Republicans. Third, you must connect with one another in a public place, preferably a park. Here you will enjoy the Gift of Nature that God and Orbson have given you. You will pair up (groups are fine) and have wild donkey sex. Do this for as long as it takes to Cum the Christian out of you. Finally, you must send two checks in the mail. The first will be to the U.S. Treasury in the amount of 5% of your take home paycheck. The second will be sent to Orbson Rice in whatever amount you deem fit for your God. Remembering of course that I have a key vote in whether you go to Heaven and receive the Key to the Door of Eternal Orgasms. You will send these checks once a month until I tell you to stop.

People of Texas, you have read the evidence yourselves. You have prayed to your God and your God has answered. She has made me her vessel - her voice on Earth. Now is the time to truly embrace your faith by embracing Orbsonism. If you question my divinity, then you are questioning God herself. Do not let your faith falter. Place one hand on your genitalia and raise one to the sky and pray to Orbson. If you follow, I will lead. If you stray, well I have seen Hell and believe it or not, it’s a lot worse than Dallas. Finally, if you so much as think of nailing me to a cross, I will bitch-slap you.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Trapped in Piñata Hell

Dear Orbsonites,

I fear that I may not have long to write. At approximately 1:45 A.M. I went to investigate a disturbing humming noise coming from the staircase of my apartment complex. Outside my door I found a legion of killer robot piñatas. I believe they have been sent to assassinate me. I have contacted my deity friends and they are on their way. I can only hope that they get here in time. I love being the God of Words, but at times like this it would've been useful to be the God of Ass-Kicking.

Earlier this week, I published a story about a secret army of killer robot piñatas. Within hours it became the most read Orbson story ever. Readers from N.P.R. and the Huffington Post swarmed this blog as word of my harrowing tale in Montana spread. I have been identified, I have been targeted.

If these are my final words to you, dear readers, I would like to leave you with one final gift. Ever since my discoveries in Montana, I have been secretly training an army of llamas to fight the piñatas and their Teabagger leaders. I was able to successfully breed the llamas with Arizona Diamondback rattlesnakes. The llamas now spit a very toxic poison that is corrosive to the piñatas. My soldiers are located on a small farm in eastern Oregon. I have encoded the exact location in the following haiku:

Grasping with left hand
Of Rachel Bilson I dream
I ejaculate.

Translate the code, find the llamas and avenge me! Wait, what is that? They're here! The deities have come to rescue me. I'll be right back....

Whew, the battle is over. Buddha sat on half of the piñatas and the Flying Spaghetti Monster took care of the rest. I am saved and the Orbson Oracle will live on. However, it is clear, the war against the Stupid has begun. The deities invited me to a party at the Playboy Mansion, so I'll be out of touch for a couple of days. Have a great weekend and always keep an eye out for the Stupid. They're everywhere.

Currently Jamming To:

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Orbson's Juicy Squirts

Haboob- Okay, I am beginning to think that the weather people are just screwing with me. Supposedly, Arizona has had a rash of “Haboobs”. Purportedly this is Arabic for a sandstorm. Yeah sure and a Hapussy is Swahili for a typhoon. I’m not buying it. Anyway, if this was really true why aren’t the Teabaggers protesting the “illegal Arabic” sand in Arizona?

Super Congress – Really, we want to give more power to a group of people who are incapable of making even the simplest of decisions? Let me get this straight, an evenly divided mix of Republicans and Democrats are going to sit in a room and decide how to spend the nation’s money and where to make cuts. Uhm, wasn’t Congress already supposed to be doing this? Now we need a Super Congress? I already can’t stand watching John Boehner speak. If he starts wearing tights and a cape I may just lose it.

Debt Ceiling In Brief – 12 months of Obama saying we must include revenues in any budget debate. Teabaggers shout obscenities. Obama bends over. Teabaggers get what they wanted, though only 22% actually like the deal. In conclusion, Obama is spineless and the Teabaggers have no idea what the hell they are talking about. Welcome to America, land of the stupid, home of the gutless.

Free Birth Control – Insurance companies must now completely cover birth control. Of course conservatives and their religious nutjob core are vehemently opposed to this. After hearing them lash out, I honestly think that they do not know what birth control actually does. Their take? Birth control actually has a hidden component called “Instaslut”. Anyone who takes it, considers taking it, or even hears about it, will have an uncontrollable urge to fuck and get fucked. One politician went so far as to say that this regulation will destroy a generation. Guess what, I actually agree. Fact: Smart people, people who believe in being prepared and taking precautions take birth control. People like Bristol Palin do not. Result: Too many stupid people in the world, not enough smart people. We need more smart people so let those condoms break, forget that daily pill and let’s start making some smart “accidents”.

The 2nd Moon- Why do I always miss out on the best stuff? There used to be a second moon?! I have not been this disappointed since I clicked on “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” and got “Perez Hilton Sex Tape”.

Star Trek Theme Park: A Star Trek theme park is opening up in Aqaba, Jordan. Yeah, it appears as though King Abdullah II is a trekkie. I am happy to see that that the great culture of the U.S.A. is finally spreading to the Middle East. In related news, Captain Kirk just got me a great deal on Priceline!

Hunger Games – Yes the book was phenomenal. Yes, I am looking forward to the movie. No, I do not need continuous updates from Entertainment Weekly on the selection of a Key Grip for the film. Also, please stop comparing The Hunger Games to Twilight. In 100 years, The Hunger Games will be studied in schools. People won’t even remember the Twilight series.

Your Android Phone Does What- Okay, I get it. Your Android phone was a gift sent down through the heavens to fulfill your every need. GPS, MP3, Skype, Netflix, Apps up the ass, yes I know your phone is awesome and mine is a dinosaur. I’m still not buying one. $30 a month for limited internet access? No wonder this country is in debt. Anyway, my phone works just fine. I put it on vibrate, stick it in my pants and yippee kai yay, I have a sex toy!

The Cloud- Sure, let me put all of my stuff up in cyberspace so that I can access it anywhere. I’m not at all concerned that hacker groups have infiltrated Sony, Bank of America and the U.S. government. I’m sure my music and porn will be safe.

U.S. on EBay – In an effort to raise some much needed money, the U.S.A. will be selling stuff on Ebay. I’ve got a bid in for Rhode Island! Anybody interested in going in with me on Hawaii? I heard you get Michigan free with any purchase.

Garmin GPS- Garmin will be adding Star Wars voices to their line of GPS devices. Sounds like a good idea until you try to get directions from a Wookiee.