Dear Good People of Canada,
Hello, my name is Orbson Rice. I am writing to you today to ask for your help. Over the past 13 years my country, the United States of America, has went from a solid leader in the world to a bankrupt and incompetent nation. I am seeking asylum in your great country. I believe that my personal safety is at risk as seemingly infinite waves of Stupid infect the nation. I fear that I may already be succumbing to the Stupid. Last week I found myself watching the television show “Love in the Wild” and without thinking, programmed my DVR to record the next episode. I am ashamed. Please grant me asylum and allow me escape. Otherwise, I fear I may stop reading, stop watching CNN and Orbson forbid, may even join the Tea Party. That would be a fate worse than death. If given the opportunity, I believe I will be a tremendous asset to your great nation.
Over the past 6 months I have put myself through the rigorous “I Wanna be a Canadian Eh” (see I even spelled "eh" correctly) training program. I have learned to pilot a Zamboni, I have seen Canadian Bacon 17 times and having grown up in Detroit I know what a “blue line” and “icing” are. I also promise to leave my rude and obnoxious U.S. behavior here in the States and embrace your concept of “being nice to each other”. While this may be an adjustment for me at first, I am sure that with time I will be able to embrace the idea of “friendly”. Finally, I swear to Orbson that if I am allowed entry into your great country I will no longer mock the noble sport of curling. In fact, I will even grab a broom and try it out myself.
Oh Canada, who was recently named the second happiest country in the world*, please let this Orbson in. With your wild ideas of education (87% have a high school degree or more), high literacy, low crime and the second best reported overall health in the world, I believe you are just what this Orbson needs.
Currently Trending On? Reruns of Mythbusters! This is the type of show that should be on during primetime. Educational, loads of fun and lots of things blowing up!
Yo Assholes Did What? I’m sorry, did I hear someone say the words “Super Congress” Oh, this is not going to end well…
Reflections of Orbsonism: Take care of your home, then your neighborhood, then your city, then your state, then your country, then other countries. Take care of your planet always. Now ask yourself- have you made it outside of your home yet?
Currently Jamming To: