Ultra-Conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC), made waves on Monday when they successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement and build the first ever “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range”. The JLC is a non-profit organization dedicated to obtaining properties deemed as “historic” or “environmentally significant” for major corporations to exploit. The JLC has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling companies.
A JLC spokesperson stated, “Today is a great day for those who love Jesus. The Grand Canyon is not ‘grand’, it is merely a giant hole in the ground. If you had a hole in your backyard you’d fill it up right? I personally like having the hole in my backyard filled up and I’ll do it again and again. The Grand Canyon is not profitable but the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range” will be. It will bring job growth to the region and increase tourism. At the same time, the park will spread the gospel, something the Grand Canyon never did.” The religious community agreed. Father Michael Carrington of the Church of God but Only My God Not Yours spoke, “I can’t wait to see the legions of alter boys on their knees and having a good time.”
Of course the liberal tree-huggers were in an uproar, using inflammatory language such as “deeply saddened” and “heartbroken” to describe their “feelings”. Luckily, conservatives are immune from these pesky emotions that seem to always dictate liberals’ responses. During the press conference, one such liberal actually raised their voice and accused the JLC: “While I understand and appreciate your beliefs and respect you very much, it breaks my heart to see such natural beauty destroyed. I’m sorry; I think I may have raised my voice to you. I’m deeply ashamed of my thoughtlessness. While we may disagree about this issue, I’m sure we will be able to come together in harmony in the future.” In response, the JLC spokesperson replied, “Go fuck yourself!”
The JLC’s efforts were a key speaking point during last weekend’s Iowa Straw Poll. During the political fundraiser, Mitt Romney summed up his feelings for the JLC and their conservative and corporate base in saying “Corporations are people too my friend.” Romney however, lost the Iowa Straw Poll with many commenting that the use of the words “my friend” were too tolerant and liberal for a potential Republican candidate.
Orbson’s Question of the Day- Why is the movie “Contagion” going to be released in 3D? Hell, why is it going to be released in theaters? It’s a movie about a quickly spreading disease. Sure, I want to be in a room filled with people coughing, sneezing and talking on their cell phones while I sit in a chair that hasn’t been washed since it was made and a floor that my shoes actually stick to. I don’t need 3D too.
Orbson Said What? – I never understood why people always use the term “You complete me” when discussing their relationship. I would never say that. It assumes that without someone else you are less than whole. I’d be like hey, there is only one hole I want to fill. Okay, two. But otherwise, you should have already been complete. Mrs. Orbson made me a better man, but I was already a man.
Currently Jamming Too-