I would like to preface the following conversation by stating that regardless of what you read below, my mother is in fact a smart person. This makes the following interaction that took place last weekend even more insane:
Mom: Orbson, I need your help with Grandma’s laptop.
Orsbon: Of course Mom, what can I do (begins banging head against wall).
Mom: The Internet is not working. I click on the “e” and a blank page comes up. The little colored box fills up but nothing happens.
Orbson: Little colored box? Never mind. Okay, we’ll start with the basics. Did you check all of the cables to make sure nothing got loose?
Orbson: Great. Okay, first we are going to reset the modem. Is there a little box next to the laptop with a bunch of lights on it?
Orbson: Okay that's the modem, find the cable that connects from the box to the wall outlet (crosses fingers).
Mom: What do you mean?
Orbson: The place where you plug the modem in (knocks head against wall a bit harder).
Mom: Oh, okay, I found it.
Orbson: Now unplug it, wait 30 seconds and plug it back in.
Mom: Where do I unplug it?
Orbson: The cable that connects the modem to the wall socket. Pull it out (rolls eyes in exasperation).
Mom: Okay, I did it.
Orsbon: Good, did the lights go off on the modem?
Orbson: (Trying to stay calm) No?! Are you sure you unplugged the right thing?
Mom: Yes, the cord from the little box.
Orbson: The one with the lights (crosses fingers again)?
Mom: No, the other one.
Orbson: What other one?! What does it say on it (forehead feeling a little wet now)?
Mom: It says “AC Adaptor”.
Orbson: Okay, then you just unplugged the AC Adaptor. Plug it back in and unplug the cord going to the little box with the lights on it please (blood is now dripping down my forehead as I pretend to hang myself with a fake noose).
Mom: There is no cable that goes to the wall.
Orbson: (Confused now) It must be getting power from something. Where do the different wires go to?
Mom: Wait, let me try this…
PHONE GOES DEAD
At this point I have stopped the bleeding to my forehead but still feel woozey. I try her number a few times and it just rings, no answering machine, no mom. I figure she either somehow managed to disable the entire phone system or has managed to electrocute herself. I hoping for the former since the latter would make me sad. Finally, my phone rings…
Mom: (whispers) I am on grandma’s cell. I broke the whole phone system. Oh crap, what am I going to do?
Orbson: (calmly) You can’t break the phone system by unplugging a cable, just relax and tell me what you did.
Mom: I pulled the cord out that was going into the floor.
Orbson: The floor? Why did you…. Never mind. Did you plug it back in?
Mom: No. I didn’t want to break it anymore then it already is.
Orbson: (the blood from my forehead is flowing freely again and there is a new dent on the wall next to me) Plug it back in, it will fix the phone.
Mom: Are you sure?
Orbson: Yes Mom, I am sure.
Mom: Hey it's working again. I’ll call you back.
Orbson: We’re talking now, you don’t need to call me back… Mom? Mom? Geez.
Orbson: (Phone rings) Hello Mom.
Mom: It’s back.
Orbson: I know, you just called me.
Mom: No, I mean the Internet. MSNBC is back. Thanks so much for fixing it for me, you’re the best! Gotta run, talk to you on Tuesday. Love you, bye!
I stared blankly at the phone in my trembling hand for a good 60 seconds. I shake the cobwebs out of my head and make my way to the bathroom to clean myself up. A few minutes later the phone rings again. I stare at the caller ID. It’s my Mom again. Do I answer it or let it go to voice mail? I have a head injury, that’s a good excuse right? I answer the phone…
Orbson: Hi Mom.
Mom: (Happily) The Internet is down again but don’t worry, I know how to turn the phone system off so I can fix it myself.
Dear disciples, I apologize if my words this week are a little scattered. I accidentally gave myself a concussion….
Orbson Does His Part: New England Patriot wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco has decided to move in with a fan for 3 weeks. In keeping with this good deed, I Orbson Rice will allow a Victoria’s Secret model to move in with me for 3 weeks. Hey, we all need to do our part.
Orbson’s TV Take: I just turned on the TV to find “Dracula 2000” playing on American Movie Classics (AMC). I think its time they changed their name to WSAS or We’ll Show Any Ol Shit.