Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Orbson's Juicy Squirts

Haboob- Okay, I am beginning to think that the weather people are just screwing with me. Supposedly, Arizona has had a rash of “Haboobs”. Purportedly this is Arabic for a sandstorm. Yeah sure and a Hapussy is Swahili for a typhoon. I’m not buying it. Anyway, if this was really true why aren’t the Teabaggers protesting the “illegal Arabic” sand in Arizona?

Super Congress – Really, we want to give more power to a group of people who are incapable of making even the simplest of decisions? Let me get this straight, an evenly divided mix of Republicans and Democrats are going to sit in a room and decide how to spend the nation’s money and where to make cuts. Uhm, wasn’t Congress already supposed to be doing this? Now we need a Super Congress? I already can’t stand watching John Boehner speak. If he starts wearing tights and a cape I may just lose it.

Debt Ceiling In Brief – 12 months of Obama saying we must include revenues in any budget debate. Teabaggers shout obscenities. Obama bends over. Teabaggers get what they wanted, though only 22% actually like the deal. In conclusion, Obama is spineless and the Teabaggers have no idea what the hell they are talking about. Welcome to America, land of the stupid, home of the gutless.

Free Birth Control – Insurance companies must now completely cover birth control. Of course conservatives and their religious nutjob core are vehemently opposed to this. After hearing them lash out, I honestly think that they do not know what birth control actually does. Their take? Birth control actually has a hidden component called “Instaslut”. Anyone who takes it, considers taking it, or even hears about it, will have an uncontrollable urge to fuck and get fucked. One politician went so far as to say that this regulation will destroy a generation. Guess what, I actually agree. Fact: Smart people, people who believe in being prepared and taking precautions take birth control. People like Bristol Palin do not. Result: Too many stupid people in the world, not enough smart people. We need more smart people so let those condoms break, forget that daily pill and let’s start making some smart “accidents”.

The 2nd Moon- Why do I always miss out on the best stuff? There used to be a second moon?! I have not been this disappointed since I clicked on “Paris Hilton Sex Tape” and got “Perez Hilton Sex Tape”.

Star Trek Theme Park: A Star Trek theme park is opening up in Aqaba, Jordan. Yeah, it appears as though King Abdullah II is a trekkie. I am happy to see that that the great culture of the U.S.A. is finally spreading to the Middle East. In related news, Captain Kirk just got me a great deal on Priceline!

Hunger Games – Yes the book was phenomenal. Yes, I am looking forward to the movie. No, I do not need continuous updates from Entertainment Weekly on the selection of a Key Grip for the film. Also, please stop comparing The Hunger Games to Twilight. In 100 years, The Hunger Games will be studied in schools. People won’t even remember the Twilight series.

Your Android Phone Does What- Okay, I get it. Your Android phone was a gift sent down through the heavens to fulfill your every need. GPS, MP3, Skype, Netflix, Apps up the ass, yes I know your phone is awesome and mine is a dinosaur. I’m still not buying one. $30 a month for limited internet access? No wonder this country is in debt. Anyway, my phone works just fine. I put it on vibrate, stick it in my pants and yippee kai yay, I have a sex toy!

The Cloud- Sure, let me put all of my stuff up in cyberspace so that I can access it anywhere. I’m not at all concerned that hacker groups have infiltrated Sony, Bank of America and the U.S. government. I’m sure my music and porn will be safe.

U.S. on EBay – In an effort to raise some much needed money, the U.S.A. will be selling stuff on Ebay. I’ve got a bid in for Rhode Island! Anybody interested in going in with me on Hawaii? I heard you get Michigan free with any purchase.

Garmin GPS- Garmin will be adding Star Wars voices to their line of GPS devices. Sounds like a good idea until you try to get directions from a Wookiee.

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