Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Product Launch: “Avoid the Fight, Just be White!” Racial Profiling Prevention Cream


This Orb was deemed too provocative and controversial for Free Wood Post and Facebook. That's right, Orbson is a bad boy!

Product Launch: “Avoid the Fight, Just be White!” Racial Profiling Prevention Cream

Have you ever found yourself driving a car? Do you like to wear sweatshirts with hoods? Have you been known to walk down a sidewalk at night? If you answered yes to any of these questions, AND you’re black, you may have found yourself the target of undeserved harassment, beatings, tear gas, being shot at and even being strangled. Well, you don’t need to worry any more because today we are introducing Race-No-More. This pure organic cream was made from the tears of an albino Koala Bear and it will color your problems away with a full-body White Out!  That’s right, avoid the fight, just be white!

Created in our laboratory by a team of highly trained scientists, Race-No-More is the ultimate solution to your racial profiling problems. Sure you could simply be yourself and raise your head proudly for your rich cultural heritage but let’s be realistic. Even with multiple degrees, a six figure salary and driving a Bentley you’re still going to get pulled over for suspicion of grand theft auto. A little bit of Race-No-More’s patented skin alteration cream and suddenly the guns and handcuffs turn into smiles and waves. Side benefits of Race-No-More include better success rates in job interviews and higher wages. If you only cover your face with one white cream this year, make it Race-No-More! Still not convinced? Check out these facts:

In Ferguson, Missouri 86% of stops were black, 92% of searches, 94% of arrests, police twice as likely to search blacks even though whites were more likely to have contraband.

“Black Americans were nearly four times as likely as whites to be arrested on charges of marijuana possession in 2010, even though the two groups used the drug at similar rates”

“African American and Hispanics comprised 58% of all prisoners in 2008, even though  African Americans and Hispanics make up approximately one quarter of the US population”

"African Americans serve virtually as much time in prison for a drug offense (58.7 months) as whites do for a violent offense (61.7 months)"

"One in every three black males born today can expect to go to prison at some point in their life, compared with one in every six Latino males, and one in every 17 white males"

Let’s face it, even though the Republican National Committee stated that racism is over in the U.S., people like Trayvon Martin, Dontre Hamilton, Michael Brown and Eric Garner would likely be alive today if they were white. Racism is rooted in ignorance and evil, but since we’re not close to winning the battle against either, it’s time to protect yourself. For only $19.95 you’ll receive a 10-application supply of Race-No-More and if you order today, you will get an absolutely free Race-No-More Quick Change Kit complete with Bermuda shorts, fanny pack, Hawaiian shirt and a Michael Bolton CD. Supplies are limited so order yours today!

This advertisement was brought to you by the makers of “Under 40- The Anti-Age Discrimination Skin Stretcher” and “The Portable Penis Salary Raising Kit- They can’t pay you less if you have one too!”

Orbson Rant of the Day: I was told that even liberals might have problems with this Orb. If that is the case then we have taken political correctness to an extreme in which there is no turning back. I think the Orb pretty clearly demonstrates that 1) I hate racism  2) There exists a tremendous amount of racism in our justice system and finally 3) I do not believe that people of any color should have to paint their faces so as not to be harassed. I mean seriously, if that is what you get from this Orb than it might be time to file a lawsuit against every single teacher you have ever had because baby, you be STOOOOOPID.

picture by: sunshinecity 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Sarah Palin Knocks Self Unconscious Taking Ice Bucket Challenge

SaTiRe- Earlier today, Sarah Palin knocked herself unconscious while participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge. Created by the ALS Association, the Ice Bucket Challenge has participants film themselves pouring a bucket of water and ice over their heads. According to aides, Palin was unaware that the ice bucket was supposed to contain water and instead froze the entire bucket before dumping the large block of ice directly onto her own head. Unconscious, she was rushed to the hospital where doctors confirmed that she suffered from a mild concussion but no permanent damage. According to the attending physician, “Mrs. Palin, was lucky to have a thicker than normal skull and a slightly smaller than average brain. This physical abnormality likely protected her from more severe injuries.” Palin’s representatives are using the injury to explain away a viral video of an incoherent Palin. “People assumed she was intoxicated, but that was not the case. This was the result of the accident, but Sarah is perfectly fine now and just as smart as she ever was.” The video was filmed more than a week ago, but her representatives are adamant that today’s injury caused the odd occurrence.

Many notable people have participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge including Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey and Steven Spielberg. Interestingly, of the tens of thousands of participants, no one else has attempted to dump a large block of ice on their head. For those interested in supporting the ALS Association and taking the Ice Bucket Challenge, here's how it is supposed to work. Take a video of yourself pouring a bucket of ice AND water over your head and post it on your favorite social network. When you post, challenge three friends or colleagues to do the same within 24 hours. They can opt out of being drenched by making a small donation towards ALS research. So, grab a bucket and get soaked for a great cause and remember whenever you are uncertain about something ask yourself, “What would Sarah Palin do?” and then do the opposite.

photo mashup: James Brooks and Nicola Baron 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

"Oh Captain! My Captain"

Oh Captain, my Captain. When the lights illuminate the stage we see what we are made to see. The words are scripted, the direction set and the makeup applied. What we do not see underneath the celebrity fa├žade is the turmoil eating away inside. Robin Williams made me laugh in The Birdcage, he made me cry in Dead Poet’s Society and he made me do both in Good Morning Vietnam. He was an amazing artist whose contributions to society are immeasurable. For me personally, he was the funniest man I have ever had the privilege of watching. I celebrate his life, celebrate his artistry and above all celebrate the impact he had had on me as a writer and artist. Robin, your legacy will persevere throughout the ages. Your passing shall be a reminder of the horrible impact of depression. For now, I celebrate your life. I find myself moved to stand on my desk and yell out to you, “Oh Captain! My Captain. May you find laughter and peace.”

Friday, August 8, 2014

Gallup Poll: 71% of Tea Party members believe Ebola is President Obama’s Birthplace

Tea Party members have often found themselves as punch lines. Not because so many people would like to line them up and punch them, but because there is the perception that they are not that intelligent. Providing further proof of their less than optimal I.Q., Gallup has released a new poll in which they surveyed 2,400 registered Tea Party voters. The end result was that 71% of active Tea Party members believe that Ebola is the country where President Barack Obama was born.

While our initial reaction might be to laugh, it would be wrong to mock members of the Tea Party for something they may have little control over. According to an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Goal Auzeen Saedi, conservative beliefs are directly correlated to I.Q. The lower the I.Q. the more likely the person will be conservative. Saedi points to a 2012 study that demonstrates distinct correlations between racism, homophobia and low I.Q. Essentially, “for those who lack a cognitive ability to grasp [the] complexities of our world, strict-right wing ideologies may be more appealing.”

Therefore, while our initial reaction may be to mock the dumb Tea Partier, or more specifically, the tens of thousands of dumb Tea Partiers, it may be better to show them sympathy. Instead of laughing at them, try giving them a sympathetic smile and in very small words explain to them that the President was born in Hawaii which is a part of the very same country they live in. Then explain that Ebola is an incurable virus that only attacks people who watch Fox News. Hey, we need to have a little fun!

photo by Pargon