Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Tea Party Mistakenly Protests Arizona Thespian Center: “Thespians are against God’s will”

An innocent celebration turned chaotic Thursday as Tea Party demonstrators descended on Tucson, Arizona to protest the newly built Arizona Thespian Center. Led by Minnesota Senator Michele Bachmann, the protesters interrupted the ribbon cutting ceremony for the 1200-seat performing arts center by screaming a series of homophobic expletives, throwing objects at participants and threatening to “burn that building of sin to the ground”. Or as they would call it, doing God’s work.

The participants of the ribbon cutting ceremony seemed stunned by the attention and tried to get rid of the protestors by pointing out that thespians are just actors. This drew a hearty cheer from Bachmann who stated, “Exactly! They are just pretending to be thespians. There is something mentally wrong with them but we can help.” Bachmann and her Tea Party volunteers began handing out leaflets for Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” clinic and shouted to the crowd, “For only ninety-nine easy payments of $99.99 you can be healed. You can be clean in God’s eyes!”

Tensions quickly escalated as the Tea Partiers grew louder and angrier and the Thespian Center’s attendees ignored them and began singing “Seasons of Love” from the musical Rent. Ultimately, police arrived and calmed the situation by removing the incensed Bachmann. An officer asked why she was even there in the first place as she was a Senator from Minnesota not Arizona. Taking a page from Sarah Palin she replied, “Of course I should be here, Arizona and Minnesota are practically neighbors. I’m not going to wait until this travesty reaches my front door before I act.” The officer merely shook his head and mumbled something about needing to take Bachmann to a Pray Away the Stupid facility. Unfortunately, Arizona closed their last remaining Pray Away the Stupid facility in 2011 so he’ll probably have to drive her to New Mexico.

Despite the tumultuous ribbon-cutting ceremony, the Arizona Thespian Center opened to a full house with a rousing performance of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Jesus Christ Superstar. Tickets for future events can be purchased from the ATC box office or online at www.notarealticketsitestupid.com.

photo by Fibonacci Blue

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Paul Ryan: “Food Stamps are Unnecessary, Trickle-Down Nutrition Works”

Speaking before yesterday’s weekly GOP luncheon at Le Petit Diable, Congressman Paul Ryan spoke about the rampant fraud within SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) and his desire to eliminate the program permanently:
“Last week we cut $8.7 billion from the food stamp program falling well short of the $40 billion cut we requested. As a nation, we need to stop feeding the immorality and stomachs of the these inner-city leeches that use and abuse this program . Good, honest, hard-working people do not use SNAP. They understand that food stamps are unnecessary, because trickle-down nutrition works.”

This is the first time the idea of “trickle-down nutrition” has been presented and when asked about the concept, Ryan replied, “There is a lot of food that goes to waste in this country. Just last night I only finished half of my Roasted Duck with Balsamic Glaze. It was taken back to the kitchen and likely thrown away. That is waste. The wait staff and dishwashers could have eaten it. No need for food stamps and no need for a higher minimum wage. So long as the wealthy are fed well, the scraps will find their way down to the lower classes. I repeat, trickle-down nutrition works!”

Ryan may be right about the inefficacy of the food stamp program. Even though it has been proven that incidents of food stamp fraud are actually lower than other large government programs, it still exists. Now it could be argued that “76% of SNAP households included a child, an elderly person, or a disabled person” and yes those households make up 83% of all SNAP distributed benefits. I’ll even concede that the average gross income of recipients is only $14,648 for a family of three.  What these numbers fail to tell you however is that many of the recipients are simply lazy and can’t be bothered to check the dumpster of the local restaurants for perfectly good food. In fact, there’s no wonder that SNAP breeds fraud. With massive benefits of $1.50 per person per meal you have to ask yourself, does any child really need that much money for food? Sure, the average SNAP family runs out of funds the third week of each month, but that is just because they’re buying luxury foods like milk, vegetables and fruit. If they stuck with Ramen noodles and soda pop they wouldn’t have a problem.

Just like trickle-down economics has created unprecedented wealth and opportunity for the middle class, trickle-down nutrition can feed our nation’s hungry.  Or as Paul Ryan expressed, “If it’s good enough for my dog, it’s good enough for my constituency.”  As for the future of SNAP, if only one person is found abusing the program, clearly the entire thing should be scrapped. Of course by that logic, we may need to take a hard look at Congress next.

The Finale: Can't write about the season finale of How I Met Your Mother without spoilers so instead I will just say "Legen-", "What?!", "Awwwww", "hmmmmm", "Wait for it", "What the Flying F*$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", "dary!" Mondays will not be nearly as funny without this great show.