Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

President George W. Bush to be Immortalized on Mount Rushmore

This July, former President George W. Bush will be given one of this country’s greatest honors, a permanent place on Mount Rushmore. The newly created sculpture of the former President will stand alongside George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln. While the inclusion of Bush on the famous monument would be expected to stir criticism and protest, the decision has gone mostly unnoticed by the mainstream media. According to the National Park Service, the proposal to add Bush was buried in a 482-page Senate appropriations bill. Nobody noticed the rider until the bill was approved and construction had already begun. The provision, written by U.S. Senator Marco Rubio (FL) a.k.a. the “Crown Prince” of the Tea Party, described the former President as “the greatest in the last 100 years”.

Since news of the Bush addition to Mount Rushmore broke, Rubio and other Republicans have rushed to defend the decision. During a CNN interview, Rubio stated, “George W. Bush, in my opinion, did a fantastic job as president.” In a recent speech on the economic recovery, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie agreed, “Mr. President [Bush], thank you for setting that example, thank you for inspiring a whole new generation of conservative Republican leaders who you helped create,”
recent Sunday, U.S. Representative Paul Ryan (WI) sat down with ABC correspondent Katie Couric to discuss the Bush Legacy and the Mount Rushmore honor:

“It is only with perspective can we truly evaluate the actions of a President. Bush himself said, ‘I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.’ Reagan left office, many believed he did a horrible job. Now, he is remembered as one of this country’s greats. George W. Bush took office on the precipice of some of the worse times in our country’s history: 9/11, the Great Recession, bubbles bursting, foreclosures, natural disasters, failing banks and businesses. Most Presidents only have to deal with one or two major issues, President Bush had to deal with dozens of issues, most of which were a direct result of the Clinton era. It took time, but now we see that his courageous policies got us through those tough times and we are seeing the results: more jobs, a stronger economy, and better foreign relations. These results are not due to the current President. These are the results of President George W. Bush. He will be remembered as one of the greatest President’s in American history and I could not be more excited to see his face on Mount Rushmore.”

With construction already underway, there seems little that can be done. The President who once said,"I'm going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened” seems to have had his wish granted.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Romney: “I am a Proud Member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men”

Mitt Romney, the presumptive Republican nominee for President, is a proud member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men (NAAWM). This past week, Romney spoke at a political fundraiser at the Myers Park Country Club in Charlotte, North Carolina. The “membership is by invitation only” country club costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $60,000 to get into the door, plus monthly dues and usage fees. The cost to attend the Romney fundraiser was a meager $1,000 per person and $2,500 to have your photo taken with the former Governor. What better place for the multi-millionaire candidate to find financial supporters for his campaign. Not surprisingly, he also found other members of NAAWM.

During the event, Romney was asked by a potential donor how his membership in the NAAWM would affect his candidacy. Romney responded,
“I am proud to be a member of the National Association for the Advancement of White Men. There is a negative backlash in this country against the wealthy white male and it needs to stop. It is simply an example of class warfare tinged by racism that is perpetrated by the left. We are the ones who create the businesses, we are the ones who founded the United States, and we are the ones that enable minorities to provide for their families by creating jobs. They should not be attacking us; they should be thanking us on bended knee. President Obama says I was born with a ‘silver spoon’ in my mouth, well guess what, silver is cheap. I was born with a diamond spoon in my mouth and come November I am going to use those diamonds to buy my way into the White House. Not just for me, but for persecuted wealthy white men throughout this great nation.”

While Romney’s fundraising base might agree with his assessment, it seems unlikely that the majority of Americans would concur. According to OpenSecrets.org, Romney has raised $75 million for his campaign with only 10% coming from “small donations” (under $200). President Obama however, has raised over $156 million with 45% coming from small donations. Proving once again that a unified people will always be more powerful than simple wealth.

Photo by Donkey Hotey

Saturday, April 21, 2012

The Orbson in the Woods

One Orbson goes into the woods; “you think you know the story”. Yes, Orbsonites, I actually paid money to go to the theater. There is only one man who could get me to purchase a $12 popcorn, a $6 watered down soda and plop my butt down on an uncomfortably sticky seat for 95 minutes. That man is Joss Whedon. I bow before his greatness. All hail Joss, all hail Joss, all hail Joss.

Sorry about that. If I do not say my three “all hails” Joss will write another great TV show that the Fox Network will run out of order, subjugate it to Friday nights and then cancel it 14 episodes into the first season. Damn, I still miss Firefly. Anyway, last Saturday I went to the movies to see The Cabin in the Woods. I can’t really say anything about it without spoilers, so I will just give my ratings: Netflix: 4 stars, Schoolyard: A-/B+, Buy or Rent: Buy it. The horror genre may be off-putting to some people, however there was definitely more laughs than suspense and even Mrs. Orbson (who dislikes horror movies) enjoyed it.

As for my own personal journey through the woods, my adventure has been fraught with horrific beasts determined to suck out my life force. Or, as you know them, Republicans. Relax, I’m just kidding Republicans. Newt Gingrich could never be considered a “horrific beast”. I mean really, the guy goes to the zoo and a freakin penguin attacks him. Some of the cutest creatures in the zoo take one look at Newt and think “Oh, I am so going to bite this fucker’s fingers off!” Yes Newt, even the penguins hate you.

This really has been an odd news week: Romney and Cookie-gate, Newt and Penguin-gate, the Secret Service and Cheapskate. Speaking of the Secret Service and the not so secret servicing the Secret Service received while they were supposed to be in service to the President who was likely being serviced by his wife…. Oops, sorry lost myself for a moment. My take on this is pretty simple. I get it, you have a pretty stressful job, but you’re supposed to be the SECRET Service. There is nothing secret about 21 prostitutes. Sure, you might have been able to get away with 19, but 21 is just being greedy. Speaking of greedy, pay the women when you’re done. How would you like it if you were plugged at work and then were told you weren’t getting paid? I don’t mind if you relieve your stress by employing a professional stress reliever. But, when you’re done, PAY YOUR PROSTITUTE!

Orbson’s Glued to the TV: So, I caught the first two episodes of Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 and found it absolutely hilarious. If you enjoy raunchy and sarcastic humor, check it out. I have also been revisiting Chuck on DVD. If you have not seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out.

Orbson’s Final Thought: As I write these words, Saturday is now one hour young. I find myself thinking about empty yesterdays and remind myself that Saturday is not yet written. Saturday could be amazing. I can embrace a new experience or savor an old one. I don’t want to look back upon this Saturday and not remember what I did. I want to soar, I want to swim, I want to talk hard and write soft. I want to close Saturday with a sigh, a smile and an orgasm. What do you want your Saturday to be?

Currently Jamming Too:

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

270-Day Waiting Period Required for Mississippi Abortions

(No, it's not an "Onion", that is an Orbson you're holding in your hands)

On Thursday, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant (R) is expected to sign a bill that would extend Mississippi’s mandatory abortion waiting period to 270 days. Given the average length of pregnancy and the illegality of late term abortions this law will essentially ban all abortions in the state of Mississippi.

Bryant has been a vocal advocate of abolishing abortion rights. Earlier this year he stated, “We want Mississippi to be abortion free.” Mississippi already has some of the strictest anti-abortion laws in the country. The state’s lone abortion clinic, which has been subject to numerous threats of violence, may be forced to close by yet another piece of legislation. This past Monday, a second bill was signed by Bryant that would require doctors who perform abortions to be a certified OB-GYN with admitting privileges to a local hospital. Due to religious and political reasons along with the threat of violence from radical opponents, obtaining admitting privileges can be very difficult. One might wonder why this bill would be necessary with the passage of the new 270-day waiting period. Bryant appears to be circumventing potential legal entanglements by producing multiple anti-abortion laws with hopes that some of them will get through the courts. At a recent Jesus Loves Embryos charity event Bryant stated, “If we pass 1,000 laws to limit abortion, some will get through and we will be that much closer to victory.”

Women’s rights advocates claim that the 270-day mandatory waiting period is clearly unconstitutional under Roe v Wade as well as subsequent Supreme Court cases. They believe that this latest attempt to regulate women’s bodies will only result in costly legal fees for Mississippi citizens. Bryant appears to be willing to take that chance, “This is a necessary action in the ongoing battle against a murderous act. This bill, standing alone, does not ban abortion so the Courts should leave it alone. If they do not, we will fight.” However, the cost of that fight will undoubtedly seriously harm the already impoverished people of Mississippi. Bryant has already made cuts to state run orphanages, the public school lunch program and welfare recipients. In Mississippi, as comedian George Carlin once said, “If you're pre-born, you're fine; if you're pre-school, you're fucked.”

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Captain America Defects to Canada

April 11, 2012 marks an historic and sad day for the people of United States of America. Their most beloved hero, Captain America, has decided to defect to Canada. During a press conference in the former city of Gotham, now known as Detroit, Captain America spoke at length about his decision. “It is with heartfelt regret that I must renounce my U.S. citizenship and announce that I have become a citizen of the great nation of Canada.” This surprise declaration comes in the wake of other notable defections including Superman, Green Arrow, Wolverine and Batman.

According to the 2006 Canadian census, in the past twenty years, cases of U.S. citizens immigrating to Canada have doubled. Canada is ranked 5th happiest country in the world by the United Nations and 2nd by the Economic Co-operation and Development Better Life Index. With its educated populace (87% have a high school degree or more), high literacy, low crime and the second best reported overall health in the world, Canada is quickly becoming the premier destination for those searching for a better life.

However, as Captain America discussed, immigrating to Canada is not an easy task. “Over the past six months I have put myself through the rigorous “I Wanna be a Canadian Eh Training Program”. I have learned to pilot a zamboni, I have seen Canadian Bacon 17 times and now understand the significance of a “blue line” and “icing”. I’ve also promised to leave any rude and obnoxious U.S. behavior here in the States and embrace the Canadian concept of ‘being nice to each other’.”

U.S. citizens should rest assured that they still have the highest number of superheroes per capita of any nation in the world. Still, with the recent tragic death of Aquaman due to over-polluted waters, our inspiration and protection now rests in the hands of heroes such as Batwing, The Wonder Twins and Lebron James. Captain America, now known as Colonel Canada, will certainly be missed.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Santorum Scores ‘6’ on NFL’s Wonderlic Test

Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum made an egregious error yesterday when he accidentally released a completed copy of his Wonderlic Test to the media. The Wonderlic Test is normally used by the National Football League to help determine an athlete’s intelligence level. The top possible score on the test is 50, though the former Senator was only able to manage a six.

According to sources, Santorum was curious about the test after hearing that LSU cornerback Morris Claiborne recently received the surprisingly low score of four. While player information is supposed to remain confidential, this is not the first time a score had been released to the media. In 2006, quarterback Vince Young received a six on the test. Santorum matched Young when he took the timed test on Thursday. He then mistakenly included the results with a series of press releases sent to the Philadelphia Inquirer.

The results of this test have led many to question whether Santorum has the requisite level of intelligence to be President. Among his myriad of mistakes, included the answers that August was the tenth month of the year, 24 x 4 = 64 and that a rectangle has 3 sides. Many conservatives have rushed to defend Santorum. On the Today Show, former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin stated that, “Rick is a smart man. As President you don’t need to be taking no football players’ tests. Gee whiz, we shouldn’t even be talking about this. This is just more propaganda from the elitist liberal media trying to paint true Americans like myself and Rick Santorum as dumb. What we should be talking about is Obama and his socialist regime in Washington.”

The Santorum campaign did not respond to interview requests regarding the incident, but did issue the following statement: “Rick Santorum is in the driver’s seat now. It is half time and in the next period he will shoot a touchdown and score the nomination for President.” What that statement actually refers to could not be determined. For more about the types of questions on the Wonderlic Test, click ESPN.

Article vocabulary helper for our Republican friends:

Egregious- Extraordinarily bad.

Requisite- Required or necessary for a particular purpose.

Myriad- A large number.

Socialism- “1. Any of various economic and political theories advocating collective or governmental ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods. 2a: A system of society or group living in which there is no private property. 2b: A system or condition of society in which the means of production are owned and controlled by the state.” So basically it’s not even close to what you think it means.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

EPA Scientists Say “We Quit!” - Agency to Close Immediately

Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) administrator Lisa Jackson released stunning news at an impromptu press conference on Wednesday. According to Jackson, “the barrage of anti-science rhetoric, mixed with increased political pressure from conservatives has forced our scientists to re-examine their place both in the federal government and society at large. They are tired of ‘corporate stooge and religious zealot politicians constantly undermining real scientific research’. Ultimately they said ‘we quit!’ Without scientists, I am afraid the EPA can no longer function.”

The EPA announcement comes at the end of a tumultuous period in which the scientific community has been regularly attacked by religious conservatives and big business lobbyists. According to a 2009 survey of EPA scientists “60 percent of those responding, or 889 scientists, reported… political interference in their work over the last five years.” According to CBS News, “the highest number of complaints about political interference came from scientists who are directly involved in writing regulations and those who conduct risk assessments such as determining a chemical cancer risk for humans.”

Former EPA scientist and spokesperson, Dr. Charles Darren spoke at length about the decision:

“As scientists we have a duty to seek objective truth in the areas we study. Unfortunately, the political atmosphere in this country is such that we can no longer, in good conscience, continue the fight to protect our planet through the EPA. When politicians argue about scientifically proven subjects such as evolution or global warming, how can we possibly expect them to understand topics like carbon emissions? We are wasting too much time defending concepts that are already proven and not enough time focusing on creating a safer and cleaner world for our children. Thus, we have resigned from the Environmental Protection Agency and will continue our work through other organizations around the world.”

Not everyone is discouraged by Wednesday’s announcement. Shell Oil spokesman, Frederick P. Willingham III, spoke about the decision: “The EPA has been a regulatory leech that has consistently undermined American businesses. We at Shell Oil know the importance of a clean environment and now we can continue to run our environmentally-friendly business without the damaging rhetoric spewed by EPA scientists.”

Many Republicans agree that the EPA is an agency made up of “job-killers” that should be eliminated. Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich stated at a conference this past February. “I want to replace, not reform EPA, because EPA is made up of self-selected bureaucrats who are anti-American jobs, anti-American business, anti-state government, anti-local control, and I don’t think you can re-educate them.” Motivated by Gingrich, conservative politicians have begun opening “re-education centers” throughout the country attempting to persuade people that EPA warnings about fossil fuel and carbon emissions is just more “liberal hooey”. Interestingly, according to OpenSecrets.org 92.8% of the political donations made by the oil and gas industry this year, were made to the same Republicans who opposed the EPA.

Oh Orbson, My Orbson: Over 3,000 Facebook shares and 2,000 likes on my Flag article. It is not easy be adored by the masses but don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. I know I have been burning the political dildo from both ends (is that how that phrase reads?) but soon I will be writing on much more diverse topics including a return to the one true religion of Orbsonism.

Orbson Going High Tech: Blogger has been okay but it is time consuming to find some of my older entries. So, I am working on creating an e-book of my past blogs that will be "sold" on Amazon. That way you can download it to your electronic device and pull me out whenever you need me. Trust me, there is nothing better than having me in your pocket. Oh, and of course it will be completely free for all my Orbsonites! I'll let you know when it is ready!