Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Orbson's Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

I have been watching a lot of zombie television lately- The Walking Dead, Night of the Living Dead and of course the Republican debates. The Walking Dead is a ridiculously good show but I can’t help but think the characters are lacking in some basic common sense zombie survival skills. Since Orbson Rice is the King of Common Sense it only makes sense to share with you my sure-fired ways to survive a zombie attack.

1. Rambo Up: The majority of the people are now mindless zombies. You may not have noticed the change if you live in suburbia but trust me, now is NOT the time for non-violence. If you’re a liberal like me, this will be difficult. However, it is time to Rambo up. The characters on The Walking Dead constantly walk past abandoned military posts with M-90 machine guns just sitting there. Take them, attach them to your Prius and create your own path to safety. Also, it is time to reward your inner geek and find yourself a sword. With no sound and no ammo, they can slice and dice zombies without drawing attention. Want to take them out from a distance? Get a crossbow.

2. Do NOT go INTO the big city: Look, if everyone has turned into a zombie you don’t want to walk into zombiepalooza. Stick to small towns. Better yet, find a big boat and live on the water. You can fish for food and make occasional runs to small towns for supplies. Hey, maybe you can even find a nice tropical island to retire to. Just make sure you bring someone hot to help propagate the species. If you must go into the big city, don’t act all surprised when you suddenly find yourself being chased by a couple of million zombies.

3. Play Marco Polo: Zombies don’t hide, they just keep attacking. When exploring a building, don’t creep from room to room waiting for the zombie to jump out at you. Stand at the front door and yell “Hey zombie come on out and eat me”. Then wait until it comes out and kill it. You may be tempted to mock slow moving zombies. Do not do this, there is almost always another one nearby.

4. Stop flaunting your hotness: Zombies can infect you by biting or scratching. Unlike TV where it is better to flaunt your sexy body, in a real zombie attack it is prudent to cover up. I am not talking about 15th century armor, though that would be effective. Consider looting some Kevlar body armor. That way you are not turned into the undead by some random scratch on your arm.

5. The Paris Hilton Defense: If you’re like me, carrying a Chihuahua in a purse is one of the more stupid things you could do. However, if you’re running away from a horde of zombies, the Paris Hilton Defense could save your life. Are they gaining on you? Need to slow them down? Then chuck your Chihuahua grenade into the horde of zombies and run while little PepĂ© distracts the undead with his salty flesh.

6. Getting Bit: If you get bit, don’t wait around until you change and hurt one of your traveling companions. You’re done, go out with a bang. Find a bottle of Dom, set your IPOD to Muse’s “Uprising”, grand a couple grenades or some C4 and stroll into one of those big cities. Get into the middle of a big group of the monsters, take a swig and say whatever lame catch phrase comes to mind. I have always been fond of “yippee kay aye mother fuckers!”

If you follow these basic guidelines your chance of survival will increase dramatically. However, in the case of a true zombie apocalypse that may not be a good thing.

Random Thoughts: Why are there so many freakin versions of movies these days? I went online to order the most recent Harry Potter and there were a ton of options: DVD, Blu Ray, DVD+Blu Ray, DVD+Blu Ray+UltraViolet, 3D. Finally I had enough and just ordered the Super Special Ultimate Unlimited Edition. This includes all of the above formats plus former famous child actors will come to your house to act out the movie in mime. Next Saturday I will be enjoying Harry Potter Brady Bunch style!