Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Friday, January 6, 2012

2012: The Year of the Orb Part II

Welcome to Part 2. This time the Ipod is put away and Netflix is running in the background. What am I watching? How I Met Your Mother. A truly quotastic show (at least in the first few seasons).

July: Twenty straight days of 100-degree weather. I have taken to putting my pillow into the freezer before going to bed. It only helps a little. Two good things come out of July though: First, I have lost fifteen pounds in sweat weight. Second, I purchase tickets to see The Book of Mormon musical in Portland. All in all, a pretty good month. ("It's gonna be legen — wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DARY!")

August: Yes, it is finally going to happen. I will be traveling to another country. No, not Canada. I was raised in Detroit which essentially makes me 50% Canadian eh. This August I will travel across the Atlantic with Mrs. Orbson and a few friends and explore Northern Europe. Hmmm, another new resolution- MAKE THIS HAPPEN! (“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda!”)

September: I have fallen in love with Europe and refuse to leave. We now live in Norway and I have changed my name to Magnus Orbson Rice. This is likely a result of the upcoming election and my fear that Republicans will soon control the federal government. (“That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.”)

October: I am back in the States. I finished my book and my agent and publisher are insisting I travel the country to promote it. I agree, particularly since I’m also producing the movie version of the book. The tour goes well, 30% of the people love it, 30% of the people burn it and 40% don’t know how to read. (“In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.”)

November: I have moved back to Europe. The Republicans have won a narrow victory and Rick Santorum is now President. I cannot live in a country that would elect Rick Santorum as President. Still, November is a great month because it’s Mrs. Orbson’s birthday month and the celebration dulls the pain back home. (“When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.”)

December: Recount! Surprise, the Republicans cheated. I’m back home in the States but my #1 status on the NYT bestseller list means I get to keep a house in Norway…and Ireland…and Iceland… and Winnipeg. As the year comes to a close I can look back and smile. I made this one count. (“Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”)

2012 is going to be a remarkable year. Why? Because, 2012 is unique. We have one chance to make it spectacular and when it’s gone we can never get it back. On December 31, I don’t want to look back and wonder what happened to the year. So I’m throwing out my resolutions and taking the advice of one Barney Stinson and focus on being “Awesome” for the next 360 days.

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