Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Neurobiologist Proves Rats are More Compassionate than Republicans.

In the December 2011 issue of Science, a study by University of Chicago neurobiologists proved that rats are empathetic creatures with a strong impulse to aid other troubled rats. This study has further strengthened the concept that even rats are more compassionate than Republicans.

The study of rat empathy consisted of a series of experiments in which one rat was free to roam while another was caged. If the free rat applied pressure on the cage it was able to free the captive rodent. Once it learned this result, it consistently freed his neighbor. After further testing it was concluded that,"They freed cagemates even when social contact was prevented. When liberating a cagemate was pitted against chocolate contained within a second restrainer, rats opened both restrainers and typically shared the chocolate. Thus, rats behave pro-socially in response to a conspecific’s distress, providing strong evidence for biological roots of empathically motivated helping behavior.”

The implications of this study have already begun to permeate the public consciousness as Americans look forward to the 2012 elections. Would Mitt Romney free a caged Newt Gingrich? Rick Perry? Would a cage even hold Gingrich if chocolate is involved? We may never know the answers to these questions; however we can use empirical evidence to determine the likely results.

Mitt Romney and Rick Perry come from different parts of the country yet share many conservative ideologies. Both believe that the U.S Constitution should be amended to declare that marriage be defined as a union between a man and a woman. Thus, it could be concluded that both candidates are anti-love. Further, Romney and Perry are both advocates of the death penalty. When asked whether it troubled him that one of the 234 death row inmates in Texas might be innocent Perry replied, “No sir. I’ve never struggled with that at all.” Therefore, while both candidates are anti-love they are both pro-death.

Compassionate acts require three requisite steps: First- the recognition of distress. Second- the desire to help the living being in distress. Third- action to alleviate that distress. Mitt Romney may be unable to differentiate between living and non-living beings as he states, “corporations are people too”. Hence, he may not be able to recognize true distress from a disappointing earnings report. Rick Perry does not have any desire to help those in distress stating “Many homeless have chosen their lifestyle” through years of bad decisions. Finally, being anti-love and pro-death, neither candidate has an inclination to act to help those in distress. Thus it can be concluded that rats are more empathetic than Romney or Perry.

Given that the Romney and Perry are among those chosen by all Republicans to represent them, it could be concluded that all Republicans are less empathetic than rats. If however you need further proof, let’s look at David Crocker the Republican Mayor in South Fulton. Crocker imposed a $75 annual fee for anyone who would like to have the city’s fire department come to their burning home. Last December, firefighters watched as Vicky Bell’s trailer home and all of her possessions went up in flames. For want of $75 a Republican Mayor will watch a person’s home burn. Clearly the people in Fulton would be better off if a rat were in charge.

In conclusion, it must be conceded that rats appear to be significantly more empathetic than Republicans. When presented with this evidence, Republicans vilified rats as “socialist” and “anti-American”. The question still remains, in order to win in 2012, Republicans may need to “rat up”.

Friday, January 6, 2012

2012: The Year of the Orb Part II

Welcome to Part 2. This time the Ipod is put away and Netflix is running in the background. What am I watching? How I Met Your Mother. A truly quotastic show (at least in the first few seasons).

July: Twenty straight days of 100-degree weather. I have taken to putting my pillow into the freezer before going to bed. It only helps a little. Two good things come out of July though: First, I have lost fifteen pounds in sweat weight. Second, I purchase tickets to see The Book of Mormon musical in Portland. All in all, a pretty good month. ("It's gonna be legen — wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DARY!")

August: Yes, it is finally going to happen. I will be traveling to another country. No, not Canada. I was raised in Detroit which essentially makes me 50% Canadian eh. This August I will travel across the Atlantic with Mrs. Orbson and a few friends and explore Northern Europe. Hmmm, another new resolution- MAKE THIS HAPPEN! (“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda!”)

September: I have fallen in love with Europe and refuse to leave. We now live in Norway and I have changed my name to Magnus Orbson Rice. This is likely a result of the upcoming election and my fear that Republicans will soon control the federal government. (“That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.”)

October: I am back in the States. I finished my book and my agent and publisher are insisting I travel the country to promote it. I agree, particularly since I’m also producing the movie version of the book. The tour goes well, 30% of the people love it, 30% of the people burn it and 40% don’t know how to read. (“In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.”)

November: I have moved back to Europe. The Republicans have won a narrow victory and Rick Santorum is now President. I cannot live in a country that would elect Rick Santorum as President. Still, November is a great month because it’s Mrs. Orbson’s birthday month and the celebration dulls the pain back home. (“When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.”)

December: Recount! Surprise, the Republicans cheated. I’m back home in the States but my #1 status on the NYT bestseller list means I get to keep a house in Norway…and Ireland…and Iceland… and Winnipeg. As the year comes to a close I can look back and smile. I made this one count. (“Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”)

2012 is going to be a remarkable year. Why? Because, 2012 is unique. We have one chance to make it spectacular and when it’s gone we can never get it back. On December 31, I don’t want to look back and wonder what happened to the year. So I’m throwing out my resolutions and taking the advice of one Barney Stinson and focus on being “Awesome” for the next 360 days.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

2012: The Year of the Orb

Good morning Orbsonites and Happy New Year! Yes it is a couple of days late. That should tell you just how much fun I had on New Year’s Eve. Let’s see, it started out with 3 bottles of tequila, 2 packages of Twinkies and a pygmy goat named Seymour. But wait! I’ve been ordered by the court not to tell that story. Hmm, well instead of looking back I think I will gaze into the future. As I listen to my Ipod, I am wondering what will 2012 hold for Orbson and his friends?

January: My Detroit Lions are in the playoffs! Fuck! The world really is going to end this year. That will definitely affect my plans for the next 11 months. After watching my Leos steal the “Big Easy” nickname from New Orleans by losing by an embarrassing 94 points, I will put my entire focus on my two New Year’s Resolutions – FINISH MY BOOK and (like everyone else) GET IN SHAPE. But wait! The world is ending so instead I am going to play Skyrim until my hands bleed and eat more of those damn Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookies Mrs. Orbson bought. Bring on Armageddon. (why do I have so much Brittany Spears on this thing)

February: I hate February. Well, except when I lived in Tucson where every day was like a sloppy bj. The second month of the year is horrendous here. It is colder, drearier and more miserable than Michele Bachmann’s marriage (probably my last reference to Bachmann for a while since she is out of the race- sad day). In February, I think I will plan a vacation. Hey if the world is going to end there is no need for a savings account. Hawaii here I come. (Jar of Hearts is a really good song. Unless you were the guy that screwed her over. Then it sucks.)

March: Back in hell and glad to be there. I am missing Skyrim more that I thought and have a nasty jellyfish sting on my pecker. Sure, skinny dipping in Hawaii is lots of fun, but nobody wants to look down in terror at a jelly fish hanging from his willy. Nobody. Speaking of dicks, the Republicans should have another 5 or 6 new candidates to make fun of. (A little Flo Rida and a little more “put your hands up”. Enough! I declare 2012 to be the year of putting your hands down!)

April: My birthday! Since I am Orbson, God of Words, I may as well make the whole month my Birthday instead of just the 25th day. Really I think everyone should do this. There are too many days that we don’t celebrate. Give yourself a treat and celebrate for your whole birthday month. April needs a holiday anyway. Celebrating nailing somebody to a cross, the guy dying and then having a 6-foot tall rabbit hide eggs just seems weird. (yes Taio Cruz, it really is Dynamite. At least right now. In about 4 months I will probably hate this song.)

May: The weather is finally nice. Quick, enjoy it for the 4 hours it is here. Damn, I was still playing Skyrim and missed the window. Does this game ever end? It has been a fairly quiet year thus far so I am guessing we’ll have another major natural disaster. Glad I went to Hawaii, because now it is under water. This may be my fault as my deity friends overheard some post-jellyfish ranting about the island state. That would make more sense than global warming. Oops sorry, my bad. (Offspring’s lyrics “dance, fucker dance…” makes me giggle. Mrs. Orbson sings this all the time. She never swears so it’s hilarious when she does. Now every time I hear this I can’t help but crack up.”

June: The summer is here and my fucking apartment complex does not have central air for these 100 degree+ days. One tiny air conditioner faces a wall not more than 8-feet away. I want to punch the owners but I’m too hot too move. Unfortunately I finally beat Skyrim. I did this by taking the game, breaking it in little pieces, putting it in the toilet, taking a dump and then flushing. Later that night I go to Walmart and buy another copy. I hate myself. (I think Katy Perry’s E.T. may be taking about sex with aliens. Ironically, this will be possible in Nevada this year when the first Sci-Fi themed brothel opens up. I have dibs on Inara Serra from Firefly.)

July- December will come tomorrow. A year is too much for one little blog. By the way, it is now 4AM and I don’t feel like editing this. So if you are one of those people (as I am) who notices that type of thing, don’t worry I did it intentionally. Now can you figure out why?

Quote of the moment:
"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now." -B.o.B. with Hayley Williams (Airplanes)