Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Famous Statue of Liberty Sonnet to be Replaced

On Tuesday, Congress will vote on a measure to replace the final five lines of the famous sonnet “New Colossus” on the Statue of Liberty with a poem written by Arizona Republican Governor, Jan Brewer. Since 1883, the words of poet Emma Lazarus has adorned the plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty. The five lines in question are:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Governor Brewer spoke about the proposed measure. “The Lazarus sonnet has no place in this country. It is essentially like putting a sign on your front door saying, ‘sure, come right in and take whatever you’d like.’ Well, I’m sick of people taking. I believe it is time we put up a new sign that says ‘we don’t want your kind here’.” Certainly, Brewer’s replacement lines do just that:

"When darkness breaches our golden shore,
Be wary, those who seek to come,
Whose purity reaches not the core,
The Godly shall cleanse the vile scum,
Our guns shall sound and you’ll hit the floor."

Opponents of the measure claim that the added lines are clearly racist and degrade the purpose of both the sonnet and the Statue of Liberty itself. According to the Statue of Liberty-Ellis Island Foundation, New Colossus has "come to symbolize the statue's universal message of hope and freedom for immigrants coming to America and people seeking freedom around the world." When confronted with that fact, Brewer stated, “Well, maybe we’ll need to do something about the statue next.”

Calls to the foundation revealed that the Statue is currently closed to the public for renovations. Whether this will include the replacement lines for the New Colossus, we will find out when Congress votes on Tuesday.

Photograph by Erik Daniel Drost

Thursday, March 29, 2012

New Liberal Laws to Battle the Stupid

If Republicans can propose laws that support the conservative principles of racism, sexism and homophobia, I think as liberals we should start proposing a few laws of our own:

Animal Rights

The Hunter Reciprocity Act: Hunting will continue to remain legal, however twice per year in addition to normal permit requirements, hunters must let animals hunt them. Since animals cannot carry guns, unarmed hunters will carry bloody raw (pink slime free) meat on their person to help aid the animals in their hunt. If a hunter can shoot a dear from a ¼ mile away with a scoped rifle, it is only fair to let a pack of wolves (cougars, bears or llamas are fine as well) get their shot too. In addition, hunting permits will now include an additional $1000 fee that will be divided equally among P.E.T.A., The Sierra Club and The Center for Biological Diversity.

The Animal Rights Act: All animals that are raised for food, clothing, immoral sex acts, or Hollywood movies must be treated humanely. No more nasty slaughterhouses, no more animals living in their own feces, no more 40 chickens being made to share a 1 square foot compartment. All animals should be treated like you would treat your pet dog. Well, maybe not YOUR pet dog. I’ve heard what you used to do with the peanut butter. Anyway, animals are living creatures and deserve respect before we turn them into a hamburger or chicken nugget.

The 2nd Amendment

The 2nd Amendment Revisited: We will NEVER take away anyone’s right to carry a gun. Seriously! Never, ever! Howeeevvvveeerrrrr, from here on out the 2nd amendment only applies to water guns. Sorry NRA, Now you have to change your name to NWGA.

Separation of Church and State:

In accordance with the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States it is hereafter unlawful to have any religious wording or symbols used by any nationally funded entity, governmental entity or any private entity that receives federal funding. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of the word “God” on currency or nationally recognized songs and pledges. The dollar bill shall now read “In Al Gore We Trust”

Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts, as well as help support Planned Parenthood and NPR.

A New Amendment

The 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution: Each fiscal year the total expenditures for war, or war-like activities, cannot exceed 50% of the total expenditures for the combined budgets of The Department of Education, NASA, and the National Endowment of the Arts. A year by year exception can occur only if 80% of Congress, the standing President and 67% of the voting public approve it.

In 2011, the military budget was approximately $740 billion (not counting veteran expenses or homeland security). The combination of the D of E, NASA and NEA was only $67.4 billion. I think it is time we start focusing more on education, innovation and creativity. Let’s put our tax dollars toward growth, prosperity and the acquisition of knowledge and stop putting it toward new ways to kill each other.

Orbson Read What! In Pic de Bugarach, France more than 20,000 people have gathered at an upside down mountain. No, the weird part is not the upside down mountain. That actually made sense when it was explained. What didn’t make sense was that these 20,000+ people believe that on Dec 21, 2012 the world will come to an end. Luckily for the believers, a race of aliens will emerge from the mountain to fly them to a new planet. Of all of the religious mythologies out there, this may be one of the funniest.

Friday, March 23, 2012

U.S.A. Flag’s Stars to be Replaced with Crosses

On Thursday, the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in favor of a regulation to remove some of the stars on the U.S. flag in favor of religious crosses. The legislation was initially introduced in Alabama and was quickly mimicked by other southern states. Evangelical Christians, Senator Roy Enbrieder from Mississippi and Florida Governor Rick Scott held a celebratory rally today outside of Enbreider’s palatial mansion. “This is an important day in our country”, spoke Enbreider, “The federal government has usurped power from the states for long enough. Today, we get some of that power back. Our flag is supposed to represent our great country with each star representing a single state. Yet many of us believe in a symbol much greater than a simple star. We believe in the power of God and the power of our savior Jesus Christ. The courts have agreed, if any state votes in favor of the change, that simple star will be replaced by our magnificent cross.”

Currently there are eight states seeking to replace their star with the cross: Florida, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Idaho, Oklahoma and Kansas. Opponents of the decision have begun preparations to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, but it is unlikely to be resolved before the flag change occurs. However, the full ramifications of the Circuit Court’s decision may not have been foreseen by conservatives. Legislation is popping up in multiple states to change their star to something other than a cross. Michigan wants a small mitten though they may have to fight Wisconsin for that honor, Nevada is seeking to replace theirs with a “$” and New York would like an extended middle finger to represent their state. Perhaps the most astounding potential replacement comes from cash-strapped California who will be “renting” out their star to advertisers. Internet service provider, Go Daddy, appears to be the current front runner, though Ikea has also expressed interest. Regardless, in a few months, the U.S. flag will likely be forever altered.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Santorum Suggests ‘Hunger Games’ Contest for Illegal Immigrants

Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum caused controversy yesterday when he suggested that a real-life Hunger Games could solve U.S. immigration problems. The Hunger Games, written by Suzanne Collins, is the story of a young girl who is forced by an oppressive government to take part in a televised battle to the death with 23 other “tributes”. The film version of the popular book opens nationwide this Friday. During a recent interview with conservative host Sean Hannity, Santorum spoke at length about the popular series as well as a proposed immigration act which would give 24 contestants the opportunity to earn U.S. Citizenship:

“No, I didn’t care for the books. I think Collins is trying to incite rebellion by portraying Katniss Everdeen as the heroine. Meanwhile, President Snow is painted as an evil dictator. It is the same problem we have in this country. Too many people want handouts and they paint the wealthy as the enemy. The Capitol was not the bad guy. The Districts rebelled because they were Socialists, Communists and Anarchists. They wanted something for nothing. Instead of destroying the Districts, the Capitol was compassionate and created the Hunger Games. The districts were taught the disadvantages of not conforming and the winners of the games were handsomely rewarded. I think we can learn a lot from the Capitol and that is why, as President, I will institute a Hunger Games-like competition to deal with illegal immigration.

The biggest concern regarding illegal immigration is that the majority of those people are either lazy or criminals. Sure, a few could be useful citizens but there needs to be a way to weed the rest out. That’s why I have been working with the Fox Network to create a U.S. version of The Hunger Games. Each season 24 illegal immigrants will be put into an arena and whoever is left standing will be granted citizenship. This event will succeed in finding out who really wants to be a citizen of our great country and who is looking for a free ride. It would generate jobs and bring much needed ad revenue to the Fox Network. Finally, it would mean that there are 23 less illegal immigrants polluting our country. We’ll get them out of our prisons, out of our schools, out of our hospitals and most importantly out of our jobs.”

While the Fox Network refused to comment on the Santorum interview, a pro-Katniss Fox employee faxed over a Winter 2013 Programming Schedule that included the line, “Citizenship Games TBD”.

Read More From Orbson Rice on Free Wood Post:

Grand Canyon to be ‘Filled In’ For Theme Park

Eagle image courtesy of: Purpleslog

Monday, March 12, 2012

Santorum Admitted to Rehab

The stress of Super Tuesday and the on-going battle with Mitt Romney has apparently become too much for Rick Santorum. Sunday evening, Santorum checked himself into Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” Christian counseling clinic. The Minneapolis clinic caused controversy for Bachmann during her brief bid for the Republican nomination. An ABC News investigation revealed a former patient who was advised by clinic administrators that “with prayer and effort, he could eventually learn to be attracted to women and rid himself of his gay urges.”

Santorum’s admission to the “Pray Away the Gay” facility comes as a surprise to many, though looking back, the clues may have been in the headlines:

“Poll: Santorum comes from behind in Alabama three-way”
“Santorum blasts Obama during Cumming rally”
“Santorum Surges With Low-Dollar Model Poised for Iowa Surprise”
“Huntsman Heartened by Santorum’s Rise”
“Rick Santorum runs hard on long final day in Iowa”

A person close to Santorum’s inner circle spoke at length about the Santorum’s decision:

“It was Romney. Mr. Santorum had all of those debates with him and it became too much. He’d wake up in terror after having inappropriate dreams about Mitt. He would just keep repeating, ‘The hair, I can’t stop thinking about running my hands through that beautiful hair.’ Finally, he decided enough was enough and went to get treatment. He’ll be cured, back in no time and after he wins the nomination, Romney won’t be around to tempt him with that beautiful mane.”

When asked whether Santorum might begin to have similar feelings toward President Obama, the source replied, “Oh no, he doesn’t believe in interracial relationships.”

Liberals have publicly denounced Bachmann’s clinic and tend to favor the belief that people can love whomever they choose. Recently, at this writer’s urging, liberals have been opening Pray Away the Stupid Centers across the country. Since conservative leaders generally prefer the masses stay ignorant, liberals hope that introducing the ignorant and intolerant to ideas like reading books and listening to facts could have a tremendous intellectual impact on the country. Until that impact is felt however, the only wood Rick Santorum will likely be sporting will be used to build his new closet.

Read More From Orbson Rice on Free Wood Post:

Grand Canyon to be ‘Filled In’ For Theme Park

Orbson Rice is a deeply disturbed professional Writer and Editor. He is also the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more from the God of Words himself.

Original Artwork by DonkeyHotey

Orbson Answers His Email: Civil War 2 Part Deux

I’ve had a few questions from people wondering whether my examples of conservative attacks during what I refer to as Civil War 2 were merely a sample of a much larger group or isolated incidents. Unfortunately, they are just a tiny sample. Here are some more to think about:

Mississippi House Bill 1384: “public school history courses may not promote any partisan agenda or philosophy”. Republicans have been trying to get this bill passed for many years. Of course history has always been slanted toward those who are in power. However in a free country history, like journalism should be about facts. The problem is that Republicans do not like facts. Facts and religion never mesh well. It does not take a long Google search to find conservative groups who say that the South was the right side in the Civil War, that the Women’s Rights movement was a bad thing and that all homosexuals should be imprisoned. Shocked by the last one? I was too.

Nebraska Bill 461 would allow all doctors to refuse ANY (not just abortions) procedure they have a religious, ethical or moral objection to. Also, pharmacists would be allowed to refuse to fill a woman’s prescription for birth control or morning-after pill. If you consider the many religious, ethical and moral objects a person could have, the possible reasons to deny treatment are endless. Of course, I have a moral and ethical objection to Republicans so maybe I should move to Nebraska and become a doctor.

The Kansas House of Representatives passes a 69-page bill with hidden provisions that would among other things, allows doctors to lie to their patients about prenatal issues if those issues might lead the woman to consider abortion. Even in an ectopic pregnancy, which is often fatal, doctors do not have to tell their patients about the condition. And just so we remember they are still true Republicans, they added on a 6.3% sales tax to abortions including those had by rape victims or who only had it because it was medically necessary to save their own lives. This bill is not unique. In Arizona, the Arizona Senate joined 8 other states in shielding doctors from malpractice claims when those doctors did not inform their patients of prenatal conditions that might lead their patient to an abortion.

So You Think I Only Keep My Eye on Republicans:

I have mentioned previously how disappointed I am in President Obama’s environmental policies. So as to demonstrate that I do keep an eye on Democrats too, here are just a couple of current issues I have:

Drilling in the Arctic begins this Summer! “President Obama has given approval to Shell to drill for oil this summer in the vulnerable Arctic. In hopes of uncovering new sources of dirty fossil fuels, Arctic drilling could also unleash more than 11 billion tons of carbon pollution -- making it ever more difficult to stave off devastating climate change.” Also, if there is another oil spill, because of the location it would be almost impossible to clean.

Endangered Species Under Attack: A new policy proposed under the Obama administration would redefine key passages of the Endangered Species Act. They key distinction seems to be that a species status would be determined by global population and not just regional. For example, there are a lot of bald eagles in Alaska. Therefore had this policy change been in effect previously, the eagles could have completely died out in the lower 48 states and nothing would have been done about it. Ecosystems are fragile things. Whenever a species dies out by unnatural manmade cause, there is a ripple effect in that region. 89 conservation groups and 97 scientists agree that this new policy will have a tremendous negative impact on efforts to protect endangered species.

To see the full text of the quotes and to check out more environmental battles, check out the Center for Biological Diversity.

Orbson has not forgotten: I know I said this entry would be lighter, but I wanted to answer a couple of email questions today. I am still working on my Laws for Democrats to Pass to Piss off Republicans entry. Here is a sample: “In accordance with the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States it is hereafter unlawful to have any religious wording or symbols used by any nationally funded entity, governmental entity or any private entity that receives federal funding. This includes, but is not limited to, the use of the word “God” on currency or nationally recognized songs and pledges.

Did you Know?

Do not let conservatives lie to you. Our Founding Fathers did not believe this was a Christian Country- The Treaty of Tripoli, which was read on the Senate floor in 1797 and signed into law by John Adams begins, “As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion….” Yeah, that’s right. Oh, and by the way, it was unanimously approved. How do you think those words would go over with the general populous today?

Friday, March 9, 2012

Civil War 2- Attack of the Stupid

Good morning Orbsonites! As you know, I have been out battling the Stupid. I have spread knowledge to those who are without and preached freedom, tolerance and love to those who live only with hate. Unfortunately, I am failing. I just finished reading the latest news stories; an act which often leaves me feeling depressed. I have come to a realization. We are under attack. Liberals everywhere are being attacked in both large and small ways by the religious conservatives in this country. Readers, you know I enjoy poking fun at conservatives. I have often seen them as that cat who runs full speed into a staircase only to crash headfirst. I laugh and say, “Dumb cat”. I believe the Republican Party is made up of millions of dumb cats. I have joked that the reason religious leaders oppose contraception is because alter boys can’t get pregnant. That the reason Rush Limbaugh would call someone a “slut” is because she, like every other intelligent woman in the world, would never touch him. Yet recently I am starting to see something deeper behind their acts. Something dark. Something evil.

Think about what has been happening during the past year. There have been an enormous amount of attacks on Roe v Wade and the right of a woman to choose. In Kansas the laws are so severe that every abortion clinic was forced to close. In Mississippi, conservatives tried to pass an amendment that gave full legal rights to undeveloped embryos (My masturbation is murder satire is not so far fetched I guess). Conservatives tried to take down Planned Parenthood and NPR by ending public support. Susan G. Komen tried to pull funding for breast exams from Planned Parenthood. Republican leaders denounced Obama’s new contraception coverage rule and hold a Congressional hearing with only men in attendance. Rick Santorum, who could possibly become President, believes that contraception is evil and against God’s will. Florida passed a law last week that allows students to hold prayer services during public school events including graduation. Wisconsin Republicans pulled state funding from a state school who was hosting an art show that featured political protest art. Unions and teachers have been attacked throughout the nation. Congressional Republicans have repeatedly attacked the Environmental Protection Agency. You know, the people who are trying to make sure we can still breathe in 20 years. Some Republicans have even suggested eliminating the E.P.A. all together. Republicans continue to destroy the environment by trying to create new pipelines, drilling for more oil, destroying more natural resources and opening up the possibility of even more disasters such as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that is still a problem today.

Conservative policies are against the poor, against the weak, against the ill, against the gays, against the immigrants, against women and ultimately against humanity.

Every day in every state, there are attempts to turn this country into a religious nation. There are hundreds of minor attempts to change U.S. policy from freedom based to religious based. Many liberals have fought back. We have risen up and said “NO!” But, some get through. We have had victories. Gay marriage in Washington and Maryland! But I need to be more aware. We need to be more aware. There is a cultural and political civil war in this country. Civil War 2 is here. This time they are not fighting to keep their slaves, but that does not make their intentions any purer. I will defend their right to express their beliefs but I will not stand by and let them destroy the freedoms that make being an American great.

Okay, this entry was too serious. I think I will start working on something more fun. Hmmm, how about some liberal laws we can try to get passed to piss off the Republicans? Stuff like, Churches must now pay taxes and those funds will be used to fund the National Endowment for the Arts! I’ll get to work on some other ideas and get back to you! Have a great weekend.

Orbson’s Quarterback: Peyton Manning is no longer a Colt. He handled his exit with class and dignity and I really hope that he makes them regret their decision. Since my Lions already have a great QB, I suggest he comes to my current home team, the Seattle Seahawks!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

What the “Fuck” is Wrong with the MPAA?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That is how many times that single word is spoken in the DOCUMENTARY “Bully”. That’s right, six times in the entire film. The MPAA (Motion Picture Ass. of America) feels as though this is deserving of an “R” rating which means that the film’s target audience will not be able to see it without a parent. Everyday kids in this country are tormented and too many parents don’t take this issue seriously. Bullying is detrimental not only to the learning experience but plays a crucial role in how children view themselves. With the advent of social media bullying can seem like a relentless attack leading many children to consider violence or suicide as their only options. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, suicide is the 6th leading cause of death for children between 5-13 years old and the 3rd leading cause of death for those between 14-24 years old. These are among the saddest statistics I’ve ever seen. Every day children have to go to school afraid of what awaits them.

I have not seen “Bully”. I do not know if this DOCUMENTARY will place the spotlight on the issue and show the tormented that they are not alone. Or if it will tell the tormentors that what they are doing is quite simply, evil. What I do know is that it is impossible to walk into a middle school or high school and not hear the word “Fuck”. Should they be using it? No, or at least not as often as they do. Do they say it anyway? Yes. A documentary, viewed by kids, will not be taken seriously if it looks like it came out of High School Musical. Real life is gritty, it is dirty and sometimes it is profane.

Producer, Harvey Weinstein is a self-aggrandizing businessman who has to absolutely love all of the free publicity he is getting from this controversy. However, he is also right. I love movies, but the rating system is representative of the conservative population of this country- people who shout the loudest and whose puritanical views I find reprehensible. My imaginary 13-year-old can go by herself to see a wide array of PG-13 movies that contain tremendous amounts of violence. Don’t believe me? Go rent Pearl Harbor, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Batman Returns, The Dark Knight or War of the Worlds (to name a few). However a DOCUMENTARY that is aimed to teach and help her is deemed inappropriate because of six f-bombs?

I have wanted to write an entry that delves deeper into why our society seems to consider sexuality as a bigger evil than violence. I do not understand. Sexuality is beautiful and natural. Violence, by its very nature is an act of evil. I would be much more inclined to let my imaginary daughter see a movie with nudity than with violence. However, this is neither. This is just six swear words that she probably hears every day at school. Six words that we have spoken about and I have tried to explain my view of them to her. The MPAA’s decision is yet another lesson in morality from those whose craniums have become permanently domiciled in their rectal cavity. So, I will make it easy. Violence is evil. Sex is great. Six “fucks” to help stop the innocent from being hurt? PG.

Orbson Tweets: When the choices are named Romney, Santorum, Paul and Gingrich Tuesdays should never be called “Super”.

An Orbson Discovery: Today's find is amazing!!!!! Kickstarter at www.kickstarter.com. This is a public website where, artists, musicicans, writers and inventors can post projects that need funding. For example,the band Augustine who is trying to produce its first full length album. Fans, followers and people passing by have donated more than $12,000 toward their dream. In exchange they are given everything from autographed CDs ($10 donation) to a private show at your home ($1,000 donation). With this site, everyone wins. Awesome, awesome, awesome idea! Check out an Augustine song below.