Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Rand Paul Proves Writing Prowess with New Children’s Book “Barry Trotter and the Sorcerer’s Bone”

This December, Senator Rand Paul will answer critics and prove his writing prowess by releasing his first children’s book “Barry Trotter and the Sorcerer’s Bone”. The presidential hopeful has been besieged this week by reports of widespread plagiarism. According to Paul, the criticism “annoys the hell out of me” and suggested he would take extreme action “if dueling were legal in Kentucky”. Ultimately Paul decided that murdering those who caught him cheating may not be the best way to garner political favor and instead decided to demonstrate his writing ability by penning a book. “I thought to myself” proclaimed Paul, “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country. I believe this is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done.”

Paul wrote “Barry Trotter and the Sorcerer’s Bone” in just 3 days and describes it as a “modern day tragedy where three children- Barry, Harmony and Don are tricked into siding with a socialist government against the hero Lord Boldemort. Continues Paul, “I wanted to create a hero who could really speak to our current plight. Boldemort, through hard work and determination becomes the most powerful wizard on the planet. As he reaches his goals, the government, known as the Ministry of Magic, swoops in and says he can only use certain types of magic. They also create laws protecting non-magical people or ‘nuggles’, even though these nuggles bring no value to society. On the side of the villains is Professor Dumbledork, whose hippy-liberal propaganda is destroying the Dogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”  

The announcement of Senator Paul’s book has sparked interest in literary circles and political pundits alike. We will see whether Paul’s effort will compensate for the multiple times he flagrantly passed the work of others as his own. “Barry Trotter and the Sorcerer’s Bone” is scheduled to be released in hardcover format on December 5, just in time for the holiday season.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Texas Creates ‘Revolutionary’ Alternative to Obamacare

Are you sick? In need of medicine? Surgery? Don’t have insurance? For most Americans the Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare) will allow you to get the help you desperately need. Even though initial indications lean toward success, many Republicans question the program’s merits. The complaining conservatives have long been the victims of jokes and ridicule for their ongoing failure to come up with any solution at all for the ongoing health care crisis. However, Texas Governor Rick Perry has finally saddled up and presented a new alternative: “Perry Care”. To Perry, Obamacare is an “extremely wasteful program that gives away free medical care to people who have not earned the right to be healthy.” This fall, Texans will see Perry Care’s full impact with the taxpayer funded game show, Heal or No Heal, where seriously ill people can play for the chance to win comprehensive albeit mediocre health care. Filming has already begun and the initial buzz is that the show will be a sure hit… in the South… among conservatives… who haven’t finished high school.

Health care is a real issue in Texas which perennially is the worst insured state in the U.S. with over 25% of their citizens without insurance and many more who are severely under-insured. Perry has rebuffed Obamacare implementation in Texas and has refused federal funds for a Medicaid expansion that could help 1.5 million low-income Texans and called the program, “another example of northern aggression.” For Governor Perry a Texas issue requires a Texas response. “Perry Care is a revolutionary solution to our insurance issues. Winners of Heal or No Heal will receive the best health care Texas has to offer all while thoroughly entertaining us every Tuesday night. Best thing, ad money will pay for the treatments won and it won’t cost a dime to the people of Texas. We won’t waste our tax dollars on people who don’t deserve to have it.”

The format for Heal or No Heal is a cross between the game shows Deal or No Deal, Let’s Make a Deal and Wipeout. Will the seriously ill senior citizen win his hip replacement or a mere bottle of aspirin? Or will we get to laugh as he bounces off a large ball and into a pool of slime winning nothing? Will the young Cancer patient keep the 6-months of chemotherapy she has already won or choose what’s behind door #3? You’ll need to tune in this September to find out, but in the meantime you can pick up the Heal or No Heal instant ticket game at your nearest retail store. If you’re lucky your next scratch off might just be that barium enema you've been waiting for.

Photo By: Ed Schipul  

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Michigan Man Starves To Death by Following One Too Many Food Safety Studies

Melvin Reginald Bartlett, better known as Mad Mel to his friends and family, passed away in his home Monday evening. The cause of death? Starvation. Mel, a graduate in Nutrition Studies from the University of Michigan spent the better part of his 47 years of life trying to create the perfect diet. According to friends, Mel would spend hours each day pouring over food safety studies and examining ingredients in the items found on grocery store shelves. His clients ranged from professional athletes to obese individuals searching for a path to healthiness. Cynthia Briggs, his long time assistant praised his dedication to his clients and to his field. “He fervently believed in the power of education and particularly in the science of food.” Unfortunately, it was that belief that ultimately cost him his life.

Six months ago, Mel announced that we was taking an extended hiatus from his practice. According to Briggs, “He began to have a difficult time advising his clients on a healthy diet. He had legitimate questions about his customary recommended diet of vegetables, fruits and lean meats. He even began to question the vegetarian and vegan lifestyles.” Mel decided to take the leave of absence to refresh his knowledge of the ever-changing food industry. The following excerpts from Mel’s journals tell the story of the dietary path that ultimately led to his starvation.

Day 1- For years I have advised my clients to avoid overly processed foods. They are high in sodium and full of chemical additives. I have advised that they stick to lean meats as well a generous amount of fruits and vegetables. A reevaluation of the state of food in the Unites States has made me rethink this strategy. Over the following weeks I will create and follow a new and healthier diet.

Dangers of Red Meat – In addition to fat and cholesterol, red meat can harden your arteries and lead to cardiovascular disease. This is not to mention the horrifying conditions that the animals live in and the numerous drugs pumped into their bodies. This category is easy, if it’s red, you’ll end up dead.

Dangers of Fish- While fish has been generally accepted to be good for you, human contamination had led to increased amounts of mercury and PCBs. One study suggests that 84% of the world’s fish is too dangerous to consume while the other 16%  have consumption limits. The FDA suggests limiting “healthy” fish intake to twice per week because of contamination. I believe it is unwise to eat something that is so poisonous to your system that eating it more than twice a week can do serious harm. From now on, when I seafood, I’ll walk the other way.

Dangers of Chicken- I have serious ethical and health issues with chicken. Chickens are thrown into massive enclosures by the thousands. The chickens become so big they are often crippled by their own weight. Even if I didn't care about the ethical ramifications, grocery store chicken contains arsenic, antibiotics and other drugs. Additionally, a recent study showed that only 34% of chicken purchased from stores was free of disease causing bacteria. When it comes to chicken I am getting the cluck out of here.

Dangers of Pork- Pigs are also kept in horrendous factory farms. Living in their own excrement, pigs are deprived of sunlight and dosed with numerous drugs. Pigs are intelligent, sensitive creatures and like the other meat producing animals, do not deserved to be treated this way. On the nutrition side, a recent study by Consumer Reports tested 200 samples of pork chops and ground pork. They discovered that more than 2/3 contained yersinia enterocolitica which can cause fever, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain and cramps. Taken together, I see no choice but to abandon pork in my diet. If the only “safe” way to consume any meat it is to cook it to a high enough temperature to kill all of the nasty organisms, well that doesn’t sound appetizing. I am now officially a vegetarian.

Dangers of Fruits and Vegetables- Fruits and vegetables have always been a staple to a good diet…until now. One of the key areas of concern is the use of pesticides. These cancer causing contaminates are able to absorb directly into the food. While most scientists say that the benefits to consumption outweigh the risks, I am not sure it is wise to take that kind of chance on your health. Further, the E.P.A. just raised the minimum allowable amounts of glyphosate (a key active ingredient in Roundup) in our food supply. Even though the E.P.A. claims it is only “minimally toxic”, studies have shown that it can lead to diabetes, heart disease, obesity, autism, Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.

The other issue I have is with genetically modified food. The long term effect of GM food has yet to be adequately determined. While the U.S. stance is that GM food have not proven to be dangerous, many European nations respond that GM food has not proven to be safe. The U.S. government also refuses to force producers to disclose if their food contains GM ingredients, making it difficult to avoid. The good news is that organic produce, while more expensive, generally have lower levels of pesticides and often are GMO free. The bad news is that strains of GM food have been popping up in areas they have never been planted. Thus, it is possible that an organic farm may be unknowingly selling genetically modified food. I’ll need to take great care in finding healthy fruits and vegetables.

The Final Entry- I have to believe I can find some non-contaminated fruits and vegetables. I better, because I’m really hungry. Lysteria in lettuce, cantaloupe, celery and onions, E. coli in organic spinach and lettuce spinach. Organic berries linked to Hepatitis A. Salmonella in peppers, mangoes, nuts…. Too weak to work anymore today, need to rest. Hopefully I can find something to eat tomorrow.

Mel never had another bite food. Services will be held on Friday at 2pm at the Church of Divine Indulgences, followed by a reception at Pizza Hut. Briggs plans on publishing her mentor’s journals in hopes of continuing his lifelong goal of educating consumers on their food choices.

Photo by: USDA 

Thursday, May 23, 2013

"I Only Rescue Hotties!" Disney Princes in for Controversial Makeover

 Executives from Disney and Abercrombie and Fitch were on hand yesterday to reveal a new line called “The Heartthrob Disney Prince”. Recently, more than 230,000 people signed a petition asking Disney to stop the overtly sexual changes to the character Merida from the movie Brave. Complete with a plunging neckline, heaving breasts and a waist so small it is a wonder she doesn't tip over, Disney’s new Merida seems to have ditched her bow and her independent personality for makeup and a boob job. After listening to the concerns of parents, Disney responded quickly by saying that it would make every effort to completely ignore parents’ concerns. Stunned by the backlash, Disney executives are hoping this new line of Heartthrob Disney Princes will show that they are an equal opportunity company that makes sex objects of both prince and princesses alike.

The new Disney heartthrob line is set to be released early next month and will be available through The Disney Store as well as through a clothing line carried exclusively by Abercrombie & Fitch. Yesterday, a spokesperson for the beleaguered apparel store stated, “We have received a lot of criticism because of honest comments made by our beloved CEO Mike Jeffries. This collaboration with Disney will hopefully show everyone that we are not alone in believing that beauty if beautiful and ugly should remain at home. We at Abercrombie & Fitch are proud to be a pro-pretty-family corporation.”

The initial release of the Heartthrob line will consist of five princes, Eric from The Little Mermaid, Aladdin from Aladdin, Flynn from Tangled, Adam from Beauty and the Best and Shang from Mulan. The most notable changes in appearance are their “completely ripped” physiques and certain bulge-like enhancements below the waist. Both the merchandise and clothing line will also contain phrases that some may describe as mildly suggestive:

Aladdin: “C’mon, rub it and see what happens next!”
Chang: “No, it’s not an ancestral dragon, I’m just happy to see you!”
Flynn: “I climbed your tower, now it’s your turn to climb on mine!”
Adam: “Still a Beast in the bedroom!”
Eric: “Hey Ariel! Check out my Under the Sea…Shell!” (Here the Prince is holding a shell over his groin)

In addition, there are some other phrases which appear on multiple products:

“The Original Disney Boy Toy (batteries not included)”
“Who Needs Brains when you have Abs like these.”
“I Only Rescue Hotties!”
“Sexy is the new Smart”

Many people are threatening to boycott Disney and Abercrombie & Fitch unless both of the new product lines are pulled. However, after the initial Merida controversy and subsequently ignoring both the negative press and the petition, Disney seems ready to move away from its family-friendly reputation and embrace the sexy side of animation.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Obama Appoints Profane Sorority Girl Ambassador to North Korea

At Sunday’s press luncheon, President Obama introduced Julia Jacobs as the new U.S. Ambassador to North Korea. Julia, the University of Maryland student whose profanity-laced email to her sorority sisters went viral last month, may seem like an unusual choice. According to President Obama, “We needed to implement a new strategy in dealing with North Korea. While I am sure many will view this move as radical, I believe Julia’s creative use of the American dialect can help us send the right message to Kim Jong-un.” Julia spent most of the luncheon texting, giving only occasional glances of disgust at the surrounding media and politicians. After the meal she took questions from the press:

Reporter- Miss Jacobs, were you surprised that President Obama reached out to you to deal with such a sensitive issue as North Korea?

Julia- Surprised? Why the fuck would I be surprised. Look, you may not like his fucking choice, but frankly I don’t give a flying fuck. My President asked for my help and I answered the fucking call. If Congress were half as fucking responsible as I am, serious shit would be getting done. Was I surprised? The only one who is going to be surprised is Kim Jong-un when I put my 5-inch stiletto through that inchworm he calls a cock. Next fucking question.

Reporter- What will be your first act as Ambassador to North Korea and how will you handle the escalating tensions between our two countries?

Julia- Well, had you ‘journalists’ actually done your fucking jobs you would have known that I already sent a fucking communication to Kim Jong-un this morning. Seriously, what does CNN stand for anyways, Cunt Numbing Neanderthals? Do me a favor, go check your emails and open the one that says “Letter to Kim Jong-un from Ambassador to North Korea”. Then, I want you to go back to your colleges, find your journalism professors and cunt punt them for not teaching you how to do your God damn jobs. Next fucking question.

Reporter- Could you…uhm… give us some indication as to what was in that correspondence?

Julia- Thank you for asking such an intelligent fucking question. I would absolutely love to do your fucking job for you. Hey, Fux News Up, get out your fucking dictionaries because I may use some big fucking words.

‘Dear Kim Jong-un, your fucking day just got really bad. The United States of Fucking America does not fucking capitulate to the demands of the Korean Pillsbury Dough Boy. I don’t give a fuck that you dislike being told how to govern your shithole country. I don’t give a flying fuck that you have serious daddy issues and a brother who masturbates to pictures of the Little Mermaid. When you fuck with America, you have fucked with the wrong fucking country.  
Now as I see it you have two options. First, you close every fucking nuclear facility in your country and stop testing those mother-fucking missiles. Or you can take option number two in which the President sends a special lubed-up mini-nuke to your capitol Pee-on-yo-wang. Now this missile is going to fly right past all of those poor innocent people that you fucking starve and imprison and instead it’s going to domicile itself directly into your enormous rectum. Think of yourself as a fucking Korean piƱata and we’ve brought the biggest fucking bat on the planet. The choice is yours and frankly, I don’t give a furry ferret’s ass what you do because I get paid regardless. So go ahead Kim Jong-Teletubby, fuck with us again. I dare you. 
                                                                                With Love, Julia Jacobs’

While there has been no official word out of North Korea, satellite surveillance shows massive troop withdrawal since the email was sent. In addition, Kim-Jong-un appears to have shuttered all nuclear facilities and has gone into hiding. We’ll have to wait to determine the long-term success of Julia’s email; however it appears to have been tremendously successful. In the meantime, supporters are suggesting that Julia should consider running for Congress in 2014. For her response we go to Julia’s Twitter page where she states, “Join Congress? Fuck that. I’d own Congress cuz bitch I get things done!” Presumably, that means she is interested in the job.

Author’s Note: The fucking name of the fucking sorority girl who wrote the fucking email has been changed for this fucking piece. 

Friday, May 3, 2013

Arizona’s Gov. Brewer Announces New Adopt-a-Gun Program

A Public Disservice Announcement:

Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona a lonely AK-47 awaits its execution. Feeling alone and unwanted, covered in dust and grime it gazes out into a future that it knows it will never see. Only four years old, this heartbroken AK-47 was abandoned by its owners at a Turn in Your Gun event. Its fate? Destruction. Soon it will have its very essence violently torn away by the hands of liberal heathens. The promise it once held, the purpose it was meant to fulfill, will never be realized. Alone at night it dreams of fulfilling its destiny. Of exploding through the flesh of trespassers, of penetrating the carcasses of animals or of simply shooting a bothersome neighbor. For now the AK-47 has no hope, but you can make all of the difference to this poor little gun. Thanks to Governor Jan Brewer and Arizona’s new Endangered Guns Protection Act, our little AK-47 can know the joy of shooting once again.

For only $1 a day, less then the price of a forty of Old Milwaukee, you can adopt young AK-47 or one of the thousands like it. Within days it will be cleaned, cared for and delivered to its new home. Because when it comes to our guns, our most precious commodities, no background check will ever substitute for an owner who loves to shoot. So please, look inside your heart and ask yourself, isn't a dollar a day worth the life of an AK-47.Call and adopt your gun today, at 1-800-253-0883.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Bush Presidential Library Steals Children’s Books from Local Schools

(satire) Librarians from public schools in Dallas, Texas have asked that the Bush Presidential Library return the tens of thousands of children’s books that were borrowed for last week’s opening. John Swift, head of the Library’s selection staff had the difficult task of filling the library’s shelves for a President who frankly “ doesn't read ‘wordy books’ too much.” President Bush and Swift visited local schools to find books that represented the man and the Presidency. “We examined books with a wide range of subject matter and reading levels. President Bush wanted to ensure that his library contained one of the greatest collections in the country”.

Librarians in neighboring schools tell a slightly different story. According to Erma Bell, “They brought the President in personally to pick out the books. He ignored the stack I pulled together of biographies, histories and scientific discovery and went straight for the kids’ books.” Librarian Mary Schultz agreed. “He seemed really interested in the pop-up books. Every time a tree or animal would pop up he would look startled and then begin giggling uncontrollably. Honestly, it was kind of weird.” Swift theorized that the President’s interest was likely due to his “ongoing dedication to children and education.”

A week has passed since the grand opening and librarians Bell, Schultz and others in the area are asking for their books back. “We were told it would be a temporary loan and the books would be returned immediately.” When questioned about the Presidential Library’s need to maintain a collection, Bell scoffed, “Do you really think anyone in this country will ever step foot in that library” No, we were told the books wouldn't be needed after the opening. It was just supposed to be for the show.”

Yesterday, Orbson Oracle reporters arrived in Dallas and confirmed that the Library was indeed closed to the public.  We did however find multiple Secret Service agents standing near the door. While we were not allowed to enter, we could hear the following commotion through a partially opened window:

Voice #1: “Please Mr. President, we need to return these books to the schools.”
Voice #2: “Tell em, al-Qaeda stole em. They’re mine now! Haha, did you see this one. Watch! The dinosaurs gonna eat ya! Hahahahaha!!!
Voice #1: “*sighs* Yes, Mr. President. You have shown me that one before.”

The Bush Presidential Library refused to return our calls, however they did issue the following statement: “The Bush Presidential Library is a tremendous effort and with the gracious help of the surrounding community, it has been filled with classic works of literature that truly represent all that President Bush accomplished while in office.” Unfortunately for Dallas schools, it does not appear they will be getting their books back anytime soon.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Washington State Seeks Constitutional Amendment Banning Straight Marriage

In a surprising and controversial move, the Washington state legislature is considering an amendment to its constitution defining marriage as only existing between couples of the same sex. The amendment will be voted on in the November election and is currently polling at a tight 51%-49% in favor of the change.

The New Marriage Amendment (N.M.A.) was first introduced by a non-profit organization called the Preservation of Marriage Coalition whose mission is to “preserve the sanctity of marriage”.  However, during the past few months they have decided to refocus their mission on a worthier group. According to the organization’s President Matilda Robinson, “When Washington legalized gay marriage in December of 2012 we thought our world was over. Then, nothing happened. People were shocked that it had little to no impact on the every day lives of heterosexual couples. We thought there would be some reaction. You know, locusts, rain of toads, all of our Pabst Blue Ribbon turning into Pinot Noir, but no, absolutely nothing bad came out legalizing gay marriage. It really made us reflect. Maybe the best way to protect the sanctity of marriage is to stop straight people from marrying. Maybe we are the problem.”

If the N.M.A. passes, there will undoubtedly be far-reaching implications for heterosexual couples. There is already concern that they will no longer be eligible for the same government benefits. John Berkin from Tacoma asks, “What if my wife is in the hospital? If we are not legally married anymore can I be denied access to see her? That’s crazy. How could anybody possibly say that’s okay?!” Robinson counters saying that heterosexual couples will be offered most of the same rights as homosexual couples. “They won’t be married any more but they may be able to form a civil union. Though it's meeting opposition, we believe we can pass a civil union bill within 3-5 years.”

There is also discussion on whether heterosexual couples should be allowed to adopt children. “We’ll need to study what possible harm there might be to the child” says Robinson, “It doesn’t seem that as a whole, heterosexual parents have done a very good job with children in the past so it may be prudent to limit their access.” As for straight couples having their own children, “well I don’t know who would want to have to explain to a child that their parents are both a male and a female. It would be a tough way to grow up.” Robinson suggests that in the best interest of the children, heterosexual couples should really consider giving their kids to nice gay couples.

Washington’s N.M.A. vote will certainly be the focus of Olympia’s political debates for the next six months. Already protests have been organized throughout the state. The opposition has been met by large groups of supporters with inflammatory signs such as “God hates straights” and “It’s Bert and Ernie not Bert and Ellie” A number of House bills have also been introduced limiting heterosexual rights should the amendment pass. As one observer noted, “We need to make sure that straights can never marry again. If we let them marry what’s next, we let giraffes marry unicycles. It’s a slippery slope.” Regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain. The stigma associated with straight marriage isn't going away anytime soon.

Unedited Photograph by ProComKelly

Friday, April 19, 2013

Carnival Cruise Lines Offers Free Cruises to People Who Know How to Fix their Ships

Sometimes, I am beaten to the punch line. I probably won’t submit this piece for publication as another Carnival article was already published. Sadly, their hook was also better than mine. Still, I think this is mildly amusing so I thought I would share it exclusively with my Orbsonites. 

Carnival Cruise Lines Offers Free Cruises to People Who Know How to Fix their Ships

Carnival Cruise Lines is currently offering an exciting new promotion in which people can take a cruise for free in exchange for fixing the ship's mechanical issues. The beleaguered cruise line is hoping its innovative promotion will revitalize its image and offer guests added security when booking their next cruise.

Over the past two months, Carnival has had multiple incidents with malfunctioning ships. One of the worst events was the Carnival Triumph which stranded thousands of passengers in abysmal conditions in the middle of the Caribbean Sea for days. Carnival hopes this new promotion will solve two problems with one solution. “Our customers need to trust that they will be on a seaworthy ship so they can have the great vacation they have come to expect from Carnival. We also need to find somebody, anybody, who can fix our ships because frankly we have no idea what we are doing.”

Not wanting to cut into profits, the free tickets will be good for the brand new “Innovative Inside Room” which has been newly created using pool towels and clothesline on the engineering deck. “We’ll need them to be close and on call; these ships could go at any time.”

Many analysts presume that Carnival’s future will sink or sail based on this latest promotion. However the cruise line appears to have a backup play. “We’ll market it like a true carnival” says CEO Gerry Cahill. “What do you get when you go to a carnival? Bad food, rickety rides that shake you like crazy before breaking down and you throw up everywhere. Really all of these recent incidents are just our way of living up to our name. Truth in advertising!” To take advantage of Carnival’s latest offer simply contact the reservation hotline at 1-888-227-6482 and ask for the “I can fix your ship special!”

Orbson’s Heroes of the Week: I have seen the videos of the Boston bombings often as the news agencies continue to sensationalize the horrors of the incident. The one thing that continues to stand out occurred as the smoke from the first bomb continued to expand outward. They took no time to react, no time to worry about their own safety. Police, EMTs, random citizens in the streets ran TOWARDS the blast mere milliseconds after the first explosion. They immediately removed debris and tried to stabilize the many injured people. I am in awe of their courage, their sensitivity and their willingness to face the threat of attack to help people they do not even know. That is what I want my America to look like.

Orbson’s Assholes of the Week: There are many reports coming out of Boston of people physically and verbally attacking those of Middle Eastern descent. After Oklahoma City or Atlanta were random white people attacked? Of course not. This is not acceptable and not something that should be tolerated in this country. I hope these idiots are thrown in jail for decades for these disgusting acts. They are no better than the bombers themselves, instilling terror into innocent people just because of their beliefs or the color of their skin. This is not what I want my America to look like.

Photograph by: Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Dylan McCord

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Senate Passes Historic Gun Reform Bill

(Satire) I for one would like to thank Congress for finally passing some common sense gun regulations. I had doubts, but they really came through this time… 

On April 17, 2013, the U.S. Senate passed the most comprehensive gun reform bill in history. Beginning immediately all buyers of both new and used water guns will have to undergo a comprehensive background check to ensure they have the mental stability to properly care for and use their weapons. Additionally, the ammo capacity for all purchased guns has been limited to 20 ounces of water. If someone is found with a gun that contains more than 20 ounces they can be charged with a felony and put into “Time Out”.

This long awaited gun reform bill has many believing that the streets will finally be a safer and drier place. Along with background checks and ammo limitations, all high powered weapons such as the Nerf Supersoaker Scatter Blast and the Nerf Thunderstorm will no longer be available to the general public. The Scatter Blast brags at being able to hit a target 25 feet away with a “pump-handle water blaster [that] delivers five streams of water at once to soak your target to the max!” The Thunderstorm boasts that it is fully automatic and you “can just pull the trigger and blast away”. Without question removing these guns from society should drastically decrease the number of mass soakings. Along with the regulations keeping them out of the hands of the mentally unbalanced we should all feel a little safer.

Now it is time to congratulate the U.S. Senate on a job well done. For a while it appeared as thought they were in the pockets of the water gun lobby and it is good to see that they finally took strong and decisive action to protect a constituency who overwhelmingly desired gun reform. So pick up your phones or send an email and thank your senators for not being the corrupt pricks we thought they were. You can locate your senator’s contact information at Open Congress.

Photo by: Makuahine Pa'i Ki'i

Friday, April 12, 2013

Virginia: Rape Victims Must Provide Video Proof of Attack to Prosecute.

In the land of the free, where a woman is raped every 24 seconds and only 3% of perpetrators ever face jail time, one state is finally fighting back. Virginia is hoping to aid rape victims by proposing a measure requiring that they provide video proof of the incident. The details of House Bill 7425 are as follows:

HB 7425: In order to facilitate prosecution, victims of a sexual assault are required to provide video evidence within 48-hours of the alleged attack. Prosecutors shall use this footage to determine:
1. If the act was consensual.
2. If the victim fought back in a reasonable and effective manner.
3. Whether the victim clearly informed the alleged attacker that the sexual act was not consensual.
4. Whether the victims’ clothing was excessively provocative.
5. Whether the alleged attacker reasonably believed the victim desired the encounter through the victims’ overly flirtatious manner or the amount of money spent on the victim over the course of the day.
6. Absent video evidence, it is assumed that the interaction was consensual.

This is not the first time Virginia Republicans have drawn criticism for their role in legislating women’s issues. In 2012, Republican Governor Bob McDonnell signed HB 462 forcing women to undergo an ultrasound prior to having an abortion. Many opponents viewed this as a form of “state sponsored rape”. In addition House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was vocal in his opposition to The Violence Against Women Act. Terry O’Neill, the president of the National Organization for Women, called Cantor's stance "completely outrageous" as it related to protecting Native American rape victims. "Who is Eric Cantor to say that it's okay for some women to get beaten and raped?"

When asked about the new bill McDonnell seemed optimistic that HB 7425 would help correct the misconception that conservatives do not care about victims of sexual assault:

“This bill protects the victim by ensuring that they’re not put through an embarrassing trial only to lose. Obviously there is a greater likelihood of justice being served with video evidence than without. Also, far too often, men’s lives are ruined by fraudulent rape accusations. This will weed out real victims from those who actually wanted to have intercourse. Plus, since everyone has a smart phone it doesn’t make any sense to me why these alleged real victims are not recording their attacks.”

Women all across the USA should feel a little safer knowing that Gov. McDonnell, Rep. Cantor and the state of Virginia are looking out for them. According to an intensive U.S. survey, an estimated 1 in 5 women have been victims of rape. It is further estimated that as many as 1.3 million American women are victims of rape each year. It is heartening to see members of the GOP finally taking this issue seriously.

This satiric article is dedicated to the victims of sexual violence all over the world.  NOBODY asks to be raped. It is a violent and horrific attack perpetrated by the sickest and most depraved human beings. Yesterday I read the story of Rehtaeh Parsons from Halifax, Nova Scotia. She was only 15 years old when she was gang raped by four boys. None of the rapists were prosecuted. Instead, they bragged by disseminating a picture of the attack. For the next 17-months Rehtaeh was propositioned, ridiculed and tormented by members of her own community. After more than a year and a half of psychological torture, Rehtaeh Parsons died following a suicide attempt on April 7. We must stand together to protect rape victims and force our governments to bring the perpetrators to justice.

Victims of Sexual Assault are:

3 times more likely to suffer from depression.
6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.
13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.
26 times more likely to abuse drugs.
4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.

If you or someone you know has been the victim of a sexual assault please contact someone who can help. RAINN (Rape Abuse & Incest National Network) 1-800-656-HOPE. There are many people who care about you. You are not alone.

Photograph by: Lau_Lau Chan 

Thursday, March 28, 2013

White House Accidentally Orders Drone Strike on Fox News Headquarters

The White House is in crisis mode after accidentally ordering a targeted drone strike on the Fox News Headquarters in New York City. On Tuesday, at approximately 2:37 AM, members of the Joint Chiefs alerted President Obama that the Drone Strike System or DSS had activated and that several fully armed drones had been sent to deal with an “immediate threat to national security”. The President, realizing the system’s mistake was able to abort the attack just seconds before missiles would have destroyed the headquarters for the conservative media outlet.

Surprisingly, the strike was not the fault of a programming error. The DSS monitors more than 10,000 specific threat characteristics to determine if an immediate response is necessary. If the system deems that the threat is imminent and that immediate action is vital to protect the nation, it will preemptively launch a strike. “DSS worked the way it was supposed to”, states Chief Engineer Chip Boolean. “Fox hit over 90% of the key threat characteristics created by the Department of Defense.” Some of the threat characteristics picked up by the system included direct threats to the President of the United States, supporting hate groups, perpetuating racism and spreading untruthful propaganda to facilitate public disharmony. Concluded Boulean, “Once Fox hit 9,000 of the 10,000 threat characteristics, the system engaged. Fox News runs 24-hours a day so, DSS saw the threat as imminent and acted accordingly. I would like to clarify that contrary to speculation, one of the threat characteristics was not the canceling of Joss Whedon’s brilliant TV show Firefly in 2002.”

President Obama apologized for the mistake and ensured that the DSS will be modified to prevent this from occurring in the future. Reports also state that DSS had scheduled drone strikes at the estates of conservative pundits Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter over the course of the next few days. There has been no indication from the White House as to whether those attacks have been cancelled.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

U.S. Congress Agrees to take 50% Pay Cut

In a surprise move, members of both the House and Senate have unanimously agreed to reduce their salaries by 50% if a new budget deal is not reached by April 1, 2013. The lower salary would remain in effect for one year. Together, from the steps of the Capitol Building, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House John Boehner announced the historic decision. According to historians, this is the largest self-instituted performance penalty in the history of the U.S. Congress and will save taxpayers approximately $46,545,000 in 2013. Senator Reid spoke of the necessity to institute this drastic measure:
"The effects of the sequester have in large part hurt the average American. However, even though we were responsible for the cuts, we in Congress have been immune to their effects. It is our gross mismanagement and utter failure as political leaders that have placed us in this position. It is therefore unconscionable that we continue to get paid large sums of money for doing such an inadequate job."
Speaker Boehner agreed:
"In the NFL, eight of the thirty two head coaches, or 25% of the entire league’s head coaches were fired this off season because they did not do a good enough job. In one instance, a coach was fired for going 10-6, because it just wasn’t good enough. If your average American employee only showed up for work 126 times in a given year and got almost nothing accomplished, they would be fired immediately. Well, we’re not going to fire ourselves, but we are taking action."
The agreement will reduce Congress salaries from $174,000 per year to a mere $87,000. This might cause some to be concerned whether the politicians will be able to afford necessities like food, housing and health care. Luckily they will still have their excellent benefit packages which cost taxpayers roughly $4.6 billion per year. Also noteworthy, though $87,000 per year barely seems like enough to live on, over 100 million Americans make less then $39,999 per year and over 72 million Americans earn less than $25,000 per year. So, while it will undoubtedly be difficult, it is possible to survive on so little. A larger concern is what members of Congress will do with their 229 free days each year. There will likely be unfortunate cuts to golfing trips to Pebble Beach, fuel for their yachts and private planes and $1500 per night hotel suites. Well, tough times requires tough sacrifices and we certain are living in troubled times.

Congress should be commended for taking this unprecedented and benevolent action. We should to take to our telephones and emails and thank them for finally getting it right. You can find the contact information for your State Senator and your district’s Representative at Open Congress.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Tennessee Bans "Teaching" in Classrooms

Hello Orbsonites! I apologize for my lengthy absence. I have been focusing on my latest book which is coming along brilliantly. A thrilling adventure story with horror, romance and a teeny tiny touch of sarcasm. It is also likely to make a few conservative heads explode should it ever go mainstream. :) Unfortunately, I have been so buried in writing I have not been writing satire. Which, given the stories in the news lately, is a huge problem. I will try to balance my time better in the future. Given the crazy stories about the educational decisions being made in the South lately (hippies were Satan worshipers, etc.), I created this little Orb for you. I sincerely hope each and every one of you is doing well. May your lives be filled with rainbows and orgasms.

Tennessee Bans "Teaching" in Classrooms (satire)

Tennessee is taking a bold new approach to educating its young people- a ban on teaching. On Wednesday morning, the Tennessee Senate passed SB 904 which prohibits the use of “teaching” in public schools. According to Sen. Bob Corker (R), the term “teaching” is an “elitist liberal term that only allows for the education of children via facts and does not take into account other forms of education”. The new term, which will take affect starting June 1, will be “enlightening”. In 2012 the Tennessee Senate passed SB893 allowing teachers to use creationism as a scientific argument against evolution. However, SB 904 actually takes it a couple thousand steps further. “In order to provide students with a fair and unbiased education and to remove any possible confusion, enlighteners will only present morally sound concepts using approved enlightenment guidelines.” The Tennessee Department of Education released a sample of the new guidelines for the Science curriculum:


Former Lesson: Gravity is a force of attraction that exists between any two masses, any two bodies or any two particles.

Alternative Enlightened Theory: Gravity is God’s way on ensuring that we do not fly off into space. Should we displease God, gravity would be removed and we would simply float away. It is our belief in God that keeps us grounded.


Former Lesson: Dinosaurs are animals that lived approximately 230 million years ago and survived until an extinction event occurred 66 million years ago. Evidence suggests that birds may be descended from dinosaurs.

Alternative Enlightened Theory: When God cast Adam and Eve from the garden, he placed upon the Earth many challenges. Dinosaur bones were one of those challenges. Dinosaurs themselves did not exist; the bones were purposely placed there by God to test the faith of those who found them. The Earth itself is only 6,016 years old.


Former Lesson: Rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall under gravity.

Alternative Enlightened Lesson: Rain is God showering his essence over his people. Moderate rain is desirable and means God loves you. Heavy rain implies that God believes you are drowning in your sins. God condemns liberals, thus it rains often in areas such as Seattle and Portland. A desert climate means that God has given up on you.

The new enlightenment guidelines have been celebrated as a “revolutionary step toward a superior education.” Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam, stated “We do a disservice to our children when we do not take a fair and balanced approach to their education. This bill will protect children from the radical ideas of the left while enlightening them with honest and moral educational principles.” Time will only tell whether Tennessee’s approach will succeed. In unrelated news, Tennessee has been ranked 47th out of the 50 states in Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index which measures overall quality of life.

Photograph by: Hans Hillewaert

Friday, January 25, 2013

Paul Ryan: Melting of Polar Ice Caps is God’s way of Gifting us Oil

According to Rep. Paul Ryan, although God often works in mysterious ways, clearly the deity’s stance on our nation’s energy policy is to drill, drill and drill some more. This month, the Obama administration began an emergency 60-day review on its decision to allow Shell Oil Company to commence exploration and drilling in the Arctic Ocean. Many wonder whether this is the beginning of the end for Arctic oil exploration. For Paul Ryan the question is not whether we should drill in the Arctic but how quickly can we get started. Speaking before an advisory panel for the Environmental Protection Agency (E.P.A.), Ryan stated,

“It is clear to me, and it’s clear to millions of Americans that the melting of the polar ice caps is a real phenomenon. What it is not however, is an indication of human-created pollution. The melting is evidence of God’s goodness. He has gazed down upon his people and seen them struggling. He has watched as they are unable to fill up their cars, trucks and SUVs. He has heard their prayers and answered them with a gift: the warmth of his love. That warmth has touched the Arctic and swept away the ice to reveal a wealth of resources for his people. Not only should we drill in the Arctic, it is our moral obligation to drill there as quickly as we can.”

Not surprisingly, Ryan’s remarks were met with strong reactions by the scientists on the E.P.A. panel. Two of the members suffered whiplash from shaking their heads back and forth too quickly. Three more fainted when the constant rolling of their eyes made them dizzy.  The panel moderator simply said, “Thank you Representative Ryan. We will take your comments under advisement.” She was seen minutes later banging her head repeatedly against a wall.

A spokesperson for Shell Oil agrees that the Administration should allow them to continue their “altruistic” work. “This country needs oil and we are ready to serve.” Shell was questioned about the myriad of problems they've faced in the Arctic recently:

“Well sure, we had an oil rig that ran aground off of Kodiak Island on New Year’s Eve, and then there was the rig that broke its moorings last summer in the Aleutian Islands. And yes the inspection of our equipment used to clean oil spills ‘failed spectacularly’ and sure we have had some trouble getting our vessels certified by the Coast Guard. Really though, it was the air pollution violations from the E.P.A. that hurt us the most. Putting all of that aside, things have run pretty smoothly.” 

Given the perspectives of Rep. Ryan and Shell Oil it is pretty clear that drilling in the Arctic Ocean is the correct decision. Environmentalists warn that an oil spill cleanup in the Arctic Ocean would be nearly impossible because of its remote location and icy waters. However, that seems like a pretty pessimistic view. Especially since God himself wants us to do drill there. Should an accident occur, it seems pretty certain that the rig would just need a divine Band-Aid and everything would be fine. Finally, while it is true that a French oil company decided not to drill in the Arctic because they believed the risk of a spill was too great, that isn’t really relevant. Remember you should never trust Socialists.

photo by loveforutah

Friday, January 11, 2013

Toyota Announces Massive Recall for Unreleased Vehicle

This week, Toyota Motor Corporation, announced another massive vehicle recall. In a press release issued on Thursday, Toyota informed the public that “we will be recalling 2-million 2014 Toyota Rav4s due to a faulty passenger seat.” This news was not surprising for the troubled automaker who has issued numerous recalls affecting over 17-million U.S. vehicles since November of 2009. What made this particular announcement different is that the 2014 Rav4 is not due to be sold to the public until August. The press release was dated January 10, 2014 which has led to conjecture that Toyota is purposefully releasing vehicles it knows to be defective.

According to the release, the faulty passenger seat was due to an “unfortunate mix-up with one of our military contracts”.  Apparently, the passengers’ seats on all 2-million vehicles were manufactured with airplane ejector seats that would be activated by pushing the air-bag button. The seat used was the Goodrich ACES II which has a rocket under the seat that can shoot an occupant between 100 and 200 feet in the air. However, Toyota claims that since most Rav4’s have sunroofs “we don’t foresee any serious injuries”. They appeared to be more concerned with the parachute potentially impairing the vision of the driver.

On Friday, a Toyota spokesperson addressed the recall stating, “The 2014 Rav4 has yet to be released and when it is it will represent the high standards we have for all of our vehicles. The passenger seat is perfectly fine and the press release was a communications mix-up.” Interestingly, according to Car and Driver magazine, Toyota has announced that they will be pushing back the release date of the 2014 Rav4 until November of 2013 due to “inventory issues”.