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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Bush Presidential Library Steals Children’s Books from Local Schools

(satire) Librarians from public schools in Dallas, Texas have asked that the Bush Presidential Library return the tens of thousands of children’s books that were borrowed for last week’s opening. John Swift, head of the Library’s selection staff had the difficult task of filling the library’s shelves for a President who frankly “ doesn't read ‘wordy books’ too much.” President Bush and Swift visited local schools to find books that represented the man and the Presidency. “We examined books with a wide range of subject matter and reading levels. President Bush wanted to ensure that his library contained one of the greatest collections in the country”.

Librarians in neighboring schools tell a slightly different story. According to Erma Bell, “They brought the President in personally to pick out the books. He ignored the stack I pulled together of biographies, histories and scientific discovery and went straight for the kids’ books.” Librarian Mary Schultz agreed. “He seemed really interested in the pop-up books. Every time a tree or animal would pop up he would look startled and then begin giggling uncontrollably. Honestly, it was kind of weird.” Swift theorized that the President’s interest was likely due to his “ongoing dedication to children and education.”

A week has passed since the grand opening and librarians Bell, Schultz and others in the area are asking for their books back. “We were told it would be a temporary loan and the books would be returned immediately.” When questioned about the Presidential Library’s need to maintain a collection, Bell scoffed, “Do you really think anyone in this country will ever step foot in that library” No, we were told the books wouldn't be needed after the opening. It was just supposed to be for the show.”

Yesterday, Orbson Oracle reporters arrived in Dallas and confirmed that the Library was indeed closed to the public.  We did however find multiple Secret Service agents standing near the door. While we were not allowed to enter, we could hear the following commotion through a partially opened window:

Voice #1: “Please Mr. President, we need to return these books to the schools.”
Voice #2: “Tell em, al-Qaeda stole em. They’re mine now! Haha, did you see this one. Watch! The dinosaurs gonna eat ya! Hahahahaha!!!
Voice #1: “*sighs* Yes, Mr. President. You have shown me that one before.”

The Bush Presidential Library refused to return our calls, however they did issue the following statement: “The Bush Presidential Library is a tremendous effort and with the gracious help of the surrounding community, it has been filled with classic works of literature that truly represent all that President Bush accomplished while in office.” Unfortunately for Dallas schools, it does not appear they will be getting their books back anytime soon.

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