Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

"I Only Rescue Hotties!" Disney Princes in for Controversial Makeover

 Executives from Disney and Abercrombie and Fitch were on hand yesterday to reveal a new line called “The Heartthrob Disney Prince”. Recently, more than 230,000 people signed a petition asking Disney to stop the overtly sexual changes to the character Merida from the movie Brave. Complete with a plunging neckline, heaving breasts and a waist so small it is a wonder she doesn't tip over, Disney’s new Merida seems to have ditched her bow and her independent personality for makeup and a boob job. After listening to the concerns of parents, Disney responded quickly by saying that it would make every effort to completely ignore parents’ concerns. Stunned by the backlash, Disney executives are hoping this new line of Heartthrob Disney Princes will show that they are an equal opportunity company that makes sex objects of both prince and princesses alike.

The new Disney heartthrob line is set to be released early next month and will be available through The Disney Store as well as through a clothing line carried exclusively by Abercrombie & Fitch. Yesterday, a spokesperson for the beleaguered apparel store stated, “We have received a lot of criticism because of honest comments made by our beloved CEO Mike Jeffries. This collaboration with Disney will hopefully show everyone that we are not alone in believing that beauty if beautiful and ugly should remain at home. We at Abercrombie & Fitch are proud to be a pro-pretty-family corporation.”

The initial release of the Heartthrob line will consist of five princes, Eric from The Little Mermaid, Aladdin from Aladdin, Flynn from Tangled, Adam from Beauty and the Best and Shang from Mulan. The most notable changes in appearance are their “completely ripped” physiques and certain bulge-like enhancements below the waist. Both the merchandise and clothing line will also contain phrases that some may describe as mildly suggestive:

Aladdin: “C’mon, rub it and see what happens next!”
Chang: “No, it’s not an ancestral dragon, I’m just happy to see you!”
Flynn: “I climbed your tower, now it’s your turn to climb on mine!”
Adam: “Still a Beast in the bedroom!”
Eric: “Hey Ariel! Check out my Under the Sea…Shell!” (Here the Prince is holding a shell over his groin)

In addition, there are some other phrases which appear on multiple products:

“The Original Disney Boy Toy (batteries not included)”
“Who Needs Brains when you have Abs like these.”
“I Only Rescue Hotties!”
“Sexy is the new Smart”

Many people are threatening to boycott Disney and Abercrombie & Fitch unless both of the new product lines are pulled. However, after the initial Merida controversy and subsequently ignoring both the negative press and the petition, Disney seems ready to move away from its family-friendly reputation and embrace the sexy side of animation.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Obama Appoints Profane Sorority Girl Ambassador to North Korea

At Sunday’s press luncheon, President Obama introduced Julia Jacobs as the new U.S. Ambassador to North Korea. Julia, the University of Maryland student whose profanity-laced email to her sorority sisters went viral last month, may seem like an unusual choice. According to President Obama, “We needed to implement a new strategy in dealing with North Korea. While I am sure many will view this move as radical, I believe Julia’s creative use of the American dialect can help us send the right message to Kim Jong-un.” Julia spent most of the luncheon texting, giving only occasional glances of disgust at the surrounding media and politicians. After the meal she took questions from the press:

Reporter- Miss Jacobs, were you surprised that President Obama reached out to you to deal with such a sensitive issue as North Korea?

Julia- Surprised? Why the fuck would I be surprised. Look, you may not like his fucking choice, but frankly I don’t give a flying fuck. My President asked for my help and I answered the fucking call. If Congress were half as fucking responsible as I am, serious shit would be getting done. Was I surprised? The only one who is going to be surprised is Kim Jong-un when I put my 5-inch stiletto through that inchworm he calls a cock. Next fucking question.

Reporter- What will be your first act as Ambassador to North Korea and how will you handle the escalating tensions between our two countries?

Julia- Well, had you ‘journalists’ actually done your fucking jobs you would have known that I already sent a fucking communication to Kim Jong-un this morning. Seriously, what does CNN stand for anyways, Cunt Numbing Neanderthals? Do me a favor, go check your emails and open the one that says “Letter to Kim Jong-un from Ambassador to North Korea”. Then, I want you to go back to your colleges, find your journalism professors and cunt punt them for not teaching you how to do your God damn jobs. Next fucking question.

Reporter- Could you…uhm… give us some indication as to what was in that correspondence?

Julia- Thank you for asking such an intelligent fucking question. I would absolutely love to do your fucking job for you. Hey, Fux News Up, get out your fucking dictionaries because I may use some big fucking words.

‘Dear Kim Jong-un, your fucking day just got really bad. The United States of Fucking America does not fucking capitulate to the demands of the Korean Pillsbury Dough Boy. I don’t give a fuck that you dislike being told how to govern your shithole country. I don’t give a flying fuck that you have serious daddy issues and a brother who masturbates to pictures of the Little Mermaid. When you fuck with America, you have fucked with the wrong fucking country.  
Now as I see it you have two options. First, you close every fucking nuclear facility in your country and stop testing those mother-fucking missiles. Or you can take option number two in which the President sends a special lubed-up mini-nuke to your capitol Pee-on-yo-wang. Now this missile is going to fly right past all of those poor innocent people that you fucking starve and imprison and instead it’s going to domicile itself directly into your enormous rectum. Think of yourself as a fucking Korean piƱata and we’ve brought the biggest fucking bat on the planet. The choice is yours and frankly, I don’t give a furry ferret’s ass what you do because I get paid regardless. So go ahead Kim Jong-Teletubby, fuck with us again. I dare you. 
                                                                                With Love, Julia Jacobs’

While there has been no official word out of North Korea, satellite surveillance shows massive troop withdrawal since the email was sent. In addition, Kim-Jong-un appears to have shuttered all nuclear facilities and has gone into hiding. We’ll have to wait to determine the long-term success of Julia’s email; however it appears to have been tremendously successful. In the meantime, supporters are suggesting that Julia should consider running for Congress in 2014. For her response we go to Julia’s Twitter page where she states, “Join Congress? Fuck that. I’d own Congress cuz bitch I get things done!” Presumably, that means she is interested in the job.

Author’s Note: The fucking name of the fucking sorority girl who wrote the fucking email has been changed for this fucking piece. 

Friday, May 3, 2013

Arizona’s Gov. Brewer Announces New Adopt-a-Gun Program

A Public Disservice Announcement:

Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona a lonely AK-47 awaits its execution. Feeling alone and unwanted, covered in dust and grime it gazes out into a future that it knows it will never see. Only four years old, this heartbroken AK-47 was abandoned by its owners at a Turn in Your Gun event. Its fate? Destruction. Soon it will have its very essence violently torn away by the hands of liberal heathens. The promise it once held, the purpose it was meant to fulfill, will never be realized. Alone at night it dreams of fulfilling its destiny. Of exploding through the flesh of trespassers, of penetrating the carcasses of animals or of simply shooting a bothersome neighbor. For now the AK-47 has no hope, but you can make all of the difference to this poor little gun. Thanks to Governor Jan Brewer and Arizona’s new Endangered Guns Protection Act, our little AK-47 can know the joy of shooting once again.

For only $1 a day, less then the price of a forty of Old Milwaukee, you can adopt young AK-47 or one of the thousands like it. Within days it will be cleaned, cared for and delivered to its new home. Because when it comes to our guns, our most precious commodities, no background check will ever substitute for an owner who loves to shoot. So please, look inside your heart and ask yourself, isn't a dollar a day worth the life of an AK-47.Call and adopt your gun today, at 1-800-253-0883.