Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Munching on Mr. Ed and Other Signs of the Apocalypse

Over the past few weeks my inner Orbson has been a broken menagerie of thoughts, ideas and general pessimism about the state of everything. I have researched and prepped multiple entries for the Oracle but have been unable to adequately and eloquently express just how fracked up (yes my fellow geeks, I just made a Battlestar reference) our world has become. Yes, the unicorn’s horn has been broken (If you understand this reference you are my hero). Then today I realized that I have been muzzling my voice. I think I have been concerned too much with audience and not enough with truth. That is what the Oracle is supposed to be - provocative, racy, undeniably bold and most of all truthful. What I write may not always be right, but it should always be a reflection of my mind on that day. I will try to remember this moving forward. Sometimes walls can begin to rebuild and occasionally it is prudent to take a sledgehammer to them. Therefore, with the walls removed, I shall take you on a brief glimpse into a few of my thoughts over this pass week.

I’ll Have a Double Mr Ed with Cheese:

As this country collapses around us, Congress has decided that now is a great time to end the ban on the consumption of horses. Slaughterhouses are expected to be built and operational within a month (frackin’ blood-sucking leeches). The cost to the federal government? $3-5 million dollars (for inspectors). How is it paid for? Nobody knows. You see the economy is bad, so the rich people have to decide whether to sell their yacht or keep their horses. You guessed it. The Human Society has been seeing a lot of abandoned horses on their front step lately. That’s right, the poor horses that have “outlived their usefulness” will now be the ingredients in your next cheeseburger. Though if we use “usefulness” to identify new food sources than we can probably be expecting a rush order on Limbaugh sandwiches any day now. Regardless how you feel about consuming horses (or idiots), the meat industry in this country does horrific things to animals. Find out where your meat comes from. Look for organic grass-fed beef. Unless you are a vegetarian (if so, please teach me how) you want free roaming healthy animals that have been fed the right foods and not injected with a ton of drugs. Respect the animal. Demand change.

No God, No Turkey Mr. President:

President Obama’s Thanksgiving address did not include the word “God”. Of course there has been a rather large outcry from many in the media reproving the President for this serious lapse. Seriously Mr. Prez, how can you not thank God for allowing the genocide of a race of indigenous people so that we can have IPADs today? Look Bible-thumpers, this is a free frackin’ country not a free Christian country. God has no place in government. Get it off of our money, get it out of our public schools and get it off of our politician’s mouths. In God we trust? Well, I DO NOT trust your God! I trust in morality. I trust in right and wrong. Until you treat everyone equally, until you take care of those less fortunate, until you get your heads out of your asses and start thinking of people other than yourself, then your God can kiss my frackin’ ass (I did warn you I took a sledgehammer to those walls. At this point you can only blame yourself).

Not So Super Congress:

Speaking of Congress, guess what?! Super Congress failed to come up with any semblance of a plan to balance the budget and create a fair tax system. Don’t worry though, after some tense moments they’ll pass another 6-month plan along with the creation of the new Super-Duper Congress which will do what the Super Congress could not. I mean seriously, how could this possibly fail? It includes the word “Duper”! Look Congress, we’re not stupid. This is political grandstanding. You’re waiting until after the next election and hoping your guy will be in office so you can put through your plan and Obama can’t take credit. In the meantime, this country is starting to make Mexico look like a viable alternative. Republicans, I have a secret for you. In 2012 you are going to LOSE!!! I wouldn’t elect any of your candidates to the position of President of Wiping My Ass and the majority of this country feels the same way. So forget the election and try to get something accomplished today.

Ndamakong Suh and Stompgate:

Sometimes being a Detroit Lions fan makes me want to run naked through a field of thorns while pouring lemon juice all over my body. Last Thursday, Lions defensive tackle Ndamakong Suh stomped on Green Bay offensive lineman Evan Dietrich Smith. No, not a good stomp; an after the whistle I would like to put my boot through your pelvis stomp. The result? A two game suspension. Add in a rash of injuries and the 2nd hardest remaining schedule in the NFL and my Lions are probably done. After 600 years they were finally going to make the playoffs and now I’ll be stuck watching another Packers-Patriots Super Bowl.

Oracle Update:

So I allowed Free Wood Post to publish one of my earlier works (the Grand Canyon theme park entry) and in 48-hours it was viewed over 500 times and shared numerous times across Facebook. That makes me so happy I could stomp on a Packer. Of course then I read the comments people made on the article’s Facebook post. The vast majority of them said things like “Really?!!!” and “No Way!!!!” Now remember, this was an article about a Christian group called Jesus Loves Corporations that successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement to create the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park an Gun Range”. Most of the commenters thought it was a real story. I weep for humanity.