Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Vatican Allows Shocking Act on Hallowed Grounds

Lights. Camera. Lubrication. This September, the Vatican is opening its jewel doors to filmmakers from the German media company Wetbild for use in their production of the pornographic film “The Holy Seed”. Wetbild is a corporation that is wholly owned by the Catholic Church and has been the center of a decade-long controversy within the Church for its publication of pornographic books. In the past, the Church has attempted to distance itself from the material stating, “Weltbild tries to prevent the distribution of possibly pornographic content.” However, as Wetbild owns Blue Panther Books whose 2,500+ erotic titles include “Anwaltshure” (Lawyer’s Whore), “Vögelbar” (F—kable) and “Schlampen-Internat” (Sluts’ Boarding School), it appears as though the Church has not been successful. In fact, Wetbild is not the only Church owned purveyor or pornography. They also own a 50% share of Droemer Knaur which produces pornographic titles such as “Nimm mich hier und nimm mich jetzt!” (Take Me Here, Take Me Now!), and “Sag Luder zu mir!” (Call Me Slut!). This latest venture into the world of pornography is sure to create a sticky public relations situation for the Vatican.

According to a Vatican press release, Wetbild will be filming for only two days though expects to complete three movies during that time. In addition to “The Holy Seed”, the films “Bible Thumpers” and “Trinity’s Holes” will be shot in closed-off sections of the Vatican. Even more shocking, Pope Benedict XVI himself will be making a brief cameo in “The Holy Seed”. The Pope will stumble across a pair of frisky worshippers and speak the line, “hmmm, conclave bello” which roughly translates to “Hmmm, nice conclave.”

The decision to film a pornographic movie in the Vatican has stunned Catholics everywhere. However, the Vatican insists that the films do not undermine church principles. According to the Vatican’s Senior Communications Advisor Greg Burke, “We thoroughly vetted the actors and actresses playing the roles. We required that they must be married Catholic adults and that they behave in a manner which portrays the dignity and majesty of the Church.” When asked why this controversial decision was made, Burke, a former journalist for the Fox Network and member of the controversial sect known as Opus Dei, responded, “Celibacy is very difficult. We are experiencing a moral crisis in the church. Too many of our priests have acted in a manner which is not congruent to our belief system. Viewing these films will allow for a more harmonious release of their urges. They must do this for themselves, for the church and for God.”

As the Vatican’s Rub One Out for Jesus campaign kicks off, the Church will undoubtedly face many hard questions: Is masturbation now an accepted Catholic practice? Is pornography okay? Should we start using our halos as cock rings? Given that the Catholic Church has shamelessly purveyed pornography for decades, it appears as though the answer to all of these questions is yes.

Original unaltered photo by Jess Pac

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Exposing My Orbs has Arrived!

For those of you who do not already know...

The day has finally arrived! “Exposing My Orbs- The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” (written by yours truly) is now available through Amazon! 263 pages containing every Orb written for the Orbson Oracle, commentary on many of the entries and a few never before published Orbs. As promised, my loyal Orbsonites will receive a FREE digital copy! All I ask is that if you enjoy my book, please review it (be gentle) before the conservatives pounce on the word “liberal”. Of course if you don’t enjoy the book, I won’t be offended if you keep that to yourself. :) I have arranged for Amazon to run your free promotion from Wednesday August 8 (12AM PST) through Sunday August 12 (11:59 PST). After that, it will jump up to $2.99. If you don’t have a Kindle don’t worry, you will be able to download free software to read it on your computer, smartphone or tablet device. I hope you enjoy the book and thanks for your support!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Zoo Animals Gone Wild - Sarah Palin Accuses Zoo of “brainwashing giraffes”

(Today I hit a quarter of a million page views! How do I celebrate? Write a satiric Orb about giraffe sex. For my sixty+ new Facebook friends, don't worry I do write serious satire as well. For the Orbsonites who have been with me a while, hee hee, they don't know what they're in for do they!?)

Threatened by the possibility of becoming completely irrelevant, Sarah Palin has found a new front for her Tea Party attack- zoo animals. This past July, the Palin family visited the Reid Park Zoo in Tucson, Arizona. What began as an enjoyable family outing quickly degraded into what can only be called “giraffe porn”. While gazing at the long-necked creatures, Palin noticed two giraffes engaged in graphic sexual intercourse. According to Palin, “That male giraffe had a two foot long thingy! Well, gee whiz, poor Todd has felt inadequate ever since. It was disgusting. There were children everywhere and the zoo staff did nothing to stop it.” The former Vice Presidential candidate took immediate action and contacted the Zoo’s administrator Rachel McGovern. To Palin’s chagrin, McGovern was unwilling to take action stating, “It is a perfectly natural act by our two male giraffes.” After realizing that she and her family had actually witnessed “gay giraffe porn” Palin became incensed and stormed out of the office.

Palin has since created the Americans for Natural Animals Lobby whose mission is to convince zoos around the country to put a stop to the x-rated activities going on within their parks. She further accused McGovern of “brainwashing the giraffes to make them gay.” In a recent statement Palin suggested ways to curb the animals’ coital tendencies, “Zoos should do everything possible to ensure a wholesome family environment. I’m not an expert but I think some sort of chastity belt could work for the females and maybe some sort of electric collar for the males that would shock ‘em whenever they get excited. They should also look for ways to cure the homosexual animals. It’s not natural.”

The Orbson Oracle contacted Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” center to discover if they would be in charge of “treating” any gay animals that Palin’s organization discovers, but they refused to answer our questions. However, after significant research at a Pray Away the Stupid Center, also known as a library, we have discovered that not only do most zoos encourage intimate relations between animals, but homosexuality in the animal kingdom is considered a perfectly natural phenomenon. "Homosexuality has been observed in more than 1,500 species” says Petter Bockman, project coordinator of the “Against Nature?” display at the University of Oslo’s Natural History Museum. The article’s author also notes that, “homosexual activity among giraffes is, in many cases, more common than heterosexual activity.” National Geographic concurs stating, “The bonobo, an African ape closely related to humans, has an even bigger sexual appetite. Studies suggest 75 percent of bonobo sex is nonreproductive and that nearly all bonobos are bisexual.” Many zoos also encourage their heterosexual animals to mate in order to perpetuate the species. In fact, some Chinese zoos are actually bringing in TV sets to show pandas “panda porn” in order to increase their sex drive in hopes of saving the species.

Since these are facts based on scientific research, they will likely be ignored by Palin and her fellow Tea Partiers. As for zoo administrators, they will likely do what most intelligent Americans do and simply ignore Sarah Palin.

*UPDATE* In related news, The Boy Scouts of America released a statement today stating that, “While the B.S.A. does not proactively inquire about the sexual orientation of zoo animals, the Boy Scouts of America believes that homosexual conduct amongst zoo animals is inconsistent with the obligations in the Scout Oath and Law to be morally straight and clean in thought, word, and deed. Therefore, our scouts, volunteers and administrators will no longer be permitted to visit zoos known to have homosexual animals.” For more on B.S.A. discriminatory policies, click here.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Bloomberg to Make N.Y.C. Subway Users Pay by the Pound

My latest satiric piece...
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced plans to revamp the subway system into a “Pay by the Pound” pricing structure meant to motivate New Yorkers to lose weight. This is not the first health conscious change Mayor Bloomberg has recommended. This past May, he proposed a measure that “would impose a 16 ounce limit on any sugary drinks … that contain more that 25 calories per 8 ounce”. While opponents have been occupied trying to save their Big Gulps, Bloomberg quietly snuck in another measure. Bloomberg’s “No Chub in the Sub” program will require the Metropolitan Transportation Authority to install scales at token dispensers. Different colored tokens will be dispersed depending on a rider’s weight. What use to be a $2.50 fare will now run a 220-pound person $10. For someone who reaches the 300-pound mark, the cost of the fare would rise exponentially to $28.

Mayor Bloomberg discussed the controversial measure at a press conference outside of the New York Athletic Club:

“The No Chub in the Sub measure is an innovative way to solve multiple problems facing the city of New York. First, everyone knows that the subway trains run on electricity. The more weight it carries, the higher the electric bill. Those costs are passed on to the riders and the taxpayers. Why should a healthy person have to pay more for his or her token because someone else chooses to be unhealthy? Anyone under 200 pounds will still pay $2.50, while those under 120 pounds will only have to pay $1. This plan cultivates an environment of fairness. Secondly, the new weight-based tiered program will reward the healthy and provide incentive to the chubbies to change their ways. Certainly some overweight people may not be able to pay the higher cost, but now they’ll get to walk more. In a few months, the pounds will come off and the fares will come down. In my book, that’s a win, win proposal!”

Many New Yorkers however, do not feel like they are winning. According to supermodel Sophia Lobelia, “The measure, it does not go far enough. I am only 82 pounds. I should not have to pay as much as those 120-pound heffers. I do not like this measure.” Conversely, the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance has called the measure “discriminatory and evil” and pointed out that, “Many perfectly healthy people come in all shapes and sizes. Mayor Bloomberg should not be forcing his narrow views of what is an acceptable weight on everyone”. Still, with most New Yorkers focusing on the ban of large sugary drinks, few have even noticed, yet alone protested the “No Chub in the Sub” bill.

Orbson's Olympic Rant: Amazing! Republicans and Democrats have finally come together in agreement and are demanding the change that this country so desperately needs. What was it on? Health Care? Immigration? Job Programs? Oh, I am so excited it doesn’t even matter which… uhm, what? They don’t like the U.S.A. Olympic Teams’ opening day outfits? So, suddenly “Made in China” is a bad thing to Congress huh? Well, it was not like your policies over the past couple of decades led to this fashion atrocity… Oh, it did huh? Chinese products are everywhere and are at a lot cheaper because they are made in Chinese sweatshops before being shipped to the U.S. to sell? American companies can’t compete with the prices? Well still the U.S. Olympic Committee gets U.S. tax dollars and should be forced to… what? It’s a private company that gets all of its money through donations and sponsorships? Money is generally pretty tight and they have to look to sponsors like Ralph Lauren for deals on clothing? Sorry, Congress, looks like you need to call the Chinese Leg Factory because you clearly need something to stand on. Oh and by the way, stop worrying about stupid things like this and start worrying about the fact the vast majority of products in places like Walmart are made in China. Stop looking at isolated incidents just because they are in the public eye and your rants will look good on CNN and start looking at the real problem. Why can’t American companies compete and what do you need to do to level the field.

photograph from: Inept Owl