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Monday, August 6, 2012

Zoo Animals Gone Wild - Sarah Palin Accuses Zoo of “brainwashing giraffes”

(Today I hit a quarter of a million page views! How do I celebrate? Write a satiric Orb about giraffe sex. For my sixty+ new Facebook friends, don't worry I do write serious satire as well. For the Orbsonites who have been with me a while, hee hee, they don't know what they're in for do they!?)

Threatened by the possibility of becoming completely irrelevant, Sarah Palin has found a new front for her Tea Party attack- zoo animals. This past July, the Palin family visited the Reid Park Zoo in Tucson, Arizona. What began as an enjoyable family outing quickly degraded into what can only be called “giraffe porn”. While gazing at the long-necked creatures, Palin noticed two giraffes engaged in graphic sexual intercourse. According to Palin, “That male giraffe had a two foot long thingy! Well, gee whiz, poor Todd has felt inadequate ever since. It was disgusting. There were children everywhere and the zoo staff did nothing to stop it.” The former Vice Presidential candidate took immediate action and contacted the Zoo’s administrator Rachel McGovern. To Palin’s chagrin, McGovern was unwilling to take action stating, “It is a perfectly natural act by our two male giraffes.” After realizing that she and her family had actually witnessed “gay giraffe porn” Palin became incensed and stormed out of the office.

Palin has since created the Americans for Natural Animals Lobby whose mission is to convince zoos around the country to put a stop to the x-rated activities going on within their parks. She further accused McGovern of “brainwashing the giraffes to make them gay.” In a recent statement Palin suggested ways to curb the animals’ coital tendencies, “Zoos should do everything possible to ensure a wholesome family environment. I’m not an expert but I think some sort of chastity belt could work for the females and maybe some sort of electric collar for the males that would shock ‘em whenever they get excited. They should also look for ways to cure the homosexual animals. It’s not natural.”

The Orbson Oracle contacted Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” center to discover if they would be in charge of “treating” any gay animals that Palin’s organization discovers, but they refused to answer our questions. However, after significant research at a Pray Away the Stupid Center, also known as a library, we have discovered that not only do most zoos encourage intimate relations between animals, but homosexuality in the animal kingdom is considered a perfectly natural phenomenon. "Homosexuality has been observed in more than 1,500 species” says Petter Bockman, project coordinator of the “Against Nature?” display at the University of Oslo’s Natural History Museum. The article’s author also notes that, “homosexual activity among giraffes is, in many cases, more common than heterosexual activity.” National Geographic concurs stating, “The bonobo, an African ape closely related to humans, has an even bigger sexual appetite. Studies suggest 75 percent of bonobo sex is nonreproductive and that nearly all bonobos are bisexual.” Many zoos also encourage their heterosexual animals to mate in order to perpetuate the species. In fact, some Chinese zoos are actually bringing in TV sets to show pandas “panda porn” in order to increase their sex drive in hopes of saving the species.

Since these are facts based on scientific research, they will likely be ignored by Palin and her fellow Tea Partiers. As for zoo administrators, they will likely do what most intelligent Americans do and simply ignore Sarah Palin.

*UPDATE* In related news, The Boy Scouts of America released a statement today stating that, “While the B.S.A. does not proactively inquire about the sexual orientation of zoo animals, the Boy Scouts of America believes that homosexual conduct amongst zoo animals is inconsistent with the obligations in the Scout Oath and Law to be morally straight and clean in thought, word, and deed. Therefore, our scouts, volunteers and administrators will no longer be permitted to visit zoos known to have homosexual animals.” For more on B.S.A. discriminatory policies, click here.

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