Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Bloomberg to Make N.Y.C. Subway Users Pay by the Pound

My latest satiric piece...
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced plans to revamp the subway system into a “Pay by the Pound” pricing structure meant to motivate New Yorkers to lose weight. This is not the first health conscious change Mayor Bloomberg has recommended. This past May, he proposed a measure that “would impose a 16 ounce limit on any sugary drinks … that contain more that 25 calories per 8 ounce”. While opponents have been occupied trying to save their Big Gulps, Bloomberg quietly snuck in another measure. Bloomberg’s “No Chub in the Sub” program will require the Metropolitan Transportation Authority to install scales at token dispensers. Different colored tokens will be dispersed depending on a rider’s weight. What use to be a $2.50 fare will now run a 220-pound person $10. For someone who reaches the 300-pound mark, the cost of the fare would rise exponentially to $28.

Mayor Bloomberg discussed the controversial measure at a press conference outside of the New York Athletic Club:

“The No Chub in the Sub measure is an innovative way to solve multiple problems facing the city of New York. First, everyone knows that the subway trains run on electricity. The more weight it carries, the higher the electric bill. Those costs are passed on to the riders and the taxpayers. Why should a healthy person have to pay more for his or her token because someone else chooses to be unhealthy? Anyone under 200 pounds will still pay $2.50, while those under 120 pounds will only have to pay $1. This plan cultivates an environment of fairness. Secondly, the new weight-based tiered program will reward the healthy and provide incentive to the chubbies to change their ways. Certainly some overweight people may not be able to pay the higher cost, but now they’ll get to walk more. In a few months, the pounds will come off and the fares will come down. In my book, that’s a win, win proposal!”

Many New Yorkers however, do not feel like they are winning. According to supermodel Sophia Lobelia, “The measure, it does not go far enough. I am only 82 pounds. I should not have to pay as much as those 120-pound heffers. I do not like this measure.” Conversely, the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance has called the measure “discriminatory and evil” and pointed out that, “Many perfectly healthy people come in all shapes and sizes. Mayor Bloomberg should not be forcing his narrow views of what is an acceptable weight on everyone”. Still, with most New Yorkers focusing on the ban of large sugary drinks, few have even noticed, yet alone protested the “No Chub in the Sub” bill.

Orbson's Olympic Rant: Amazing! Republicans and Democrats have finally come together in agreement and are demanding the change that this country so desperately needs. What was it on? Health Care? Immigration? Job Programs? Oh, I am so excited it doesn’t even matter which… uhm, what? They don’t like the U.S.A. Olympic Teams’ opening day outfits? So, suddenly “Made in China” is a bad thing to Congress huh? Well, it was not like your policies over the past couple of decades led to this fashion atrocity… Oh, it did huh? Chinese products are everywhere and are at a lot cheaper because they are made in Chinese sweatshops before being shipped to the U.S. to sell? American companies can’t compete with the prices? Well still the U.S. Olympic Committee gets U.S. tax dollars and should be forced to… what? It’s a private company that gets all of its money through donations and sponsorships? Money is generally pretty tight and they have to look to sponsors like Ralph Lauren for deals on clothing? Sorry, Congress, looks like you need to call the Chinese Leg Factory because you clearly need something to stand on. Oh and by the way, stop worrying about stupid things like this and start worrying about the fact the vast majority of products in places like Walmart are made in China. Stop looking at isolated incidents just because they are in the public eye and your rants will look good on CNN and start looking at the real problem. Why can’t American companies compete and what do you need to do to level the field.

photograph from: Inept Owl

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