Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Orbson Exposed

Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Orbson Exposed. Today our special guest star is none other than The God of Words himself, Orbson Rice. Good evening Orbson, thank you for joining me.

Orbson: Thank you Voice in My Head, it’s always a pleasure.

Voice: Orbson, your latest venture, The Orbson Oracle, has been a tremendous success. How has your newfound celebrity impacted your daily life?

Orbson: Wow, it really has been a wild ride these last few weeks. I went from having zero disciples to having five! It’s getting to the point that I can’t look into a mirror without having someone yell “Hey, it’s Orbson!” I appreciate the support but it’s a little off-putting.

Voice: Our readers would love to hear your take on the world of entertainment. You game?

Orbson: Absolutely.

Voice: Great! First question, 3D movies, pro or con?

Orbson: Pro, but only a little. Look, Harry Potter is fine, but I don’t need to see The Notebook in three dimensions. It was painful enough in two. On the other hand, where the heck is the 3D porn? Are they worried about sticky glasses?

Voice: What are you watching on TV these days?

Orbson: There are some awesome shows this summer! The USA Network is amazing with Burn Notice, White Collar, Covert Affairs and Royal Pains. Of course, HBO’s True Blood is like a visit to the dark side of my brain, so I’m all over that. Falling Skies has also been a pleasant surprise. Summer programming is so much better than fall network programming. However, I’m really looking forward to The Big Bang Theory and The Walking Dead.

Voice: See any good movies lately?

Orbson: Nothing orgasmic. I’m too cheap to go to the theater so I have not seen the summer “blockbusters”. I’m a Netflix guy, though I do think that DVDs and Blu-Rays need to have a “jump to sex scene” button. I don’t need to watch Black Swan again but I definitely need to see the Mila Kunis-Natalie Portman cunnilingus scene a few dozen more times.

Voice: Did you make it to Comic-Con this year?

Orbson: Unfortunately I didn’t. My Illyria costume turned our more teal than blue so I decided to stay home. If anyone out there knows what I’m talking about, I bow before your greatness. If not, for shame. It’s time you learned about the awesomeness that is Joss Whedon. Next year I plan to be there to promote the release of my graphic novel “Orbson, God of Words”.

Voice: Your own graphic novel, that is awesome! What will it be about?

Orbson: It’s an autobiographical effort chronicling my efforts to stop the evil spread of stupid people. I use the magic in my Tome of Orbson to whack some knowledge into the ignorant. There will also be an Xbox 360 game that is kind of a cross between Left 4 Dead and Viva Pinata.

Voice: That will certainly be the hit of Comic-Con 2012! Could you give my readers some hints about the future of Orbson’s Oracle?

Orbson: Well I never know what’ll spurt out of this head next, but I can guarantee it will keep coming until I either give up or I succeed in ridding the world of stupid people. If I were you, I’d expect even more explosive political rants, some general craziness and more enlightenment from the greatest religion ever –Orbsonism.

What do you say to people that think you’re a little too crazy?

Orbson: I’d say… I’d say that everyone lives in their own little shell. Society, co-workers, our family, our friends add layer upon layer to the shell. But we add the thickest layers ourselves. Before you know it, what you represent to the world is only a dim reflection of who you really are. I’m tired of living in that shell and I write to break out. I think it’s time to embrace the crazy, lift your freak flag and raise your middle finger to anyone who dares judge you. This world would be a lot more fun if everyone exposed themselves.

Voice: Well, I for one can’t wait to see what you’ll come up with next. Thank you for joining us today.

Orbson: Of course! Tell the other voices I said hi.

Orbson’s Daily Diatribe: A lesbian woman, visiting the Dollywood theme park, was told that she could not enter the park unless she turned her t-shirt inside out. The reason? The t-shirt said “marriage is so gay” which was deemed “offensive” by Dollywood personnel. Offensive?! Really? I shouldn’t be surprised since we are talking about Tennessee, but seriously, this is not offensive. If I wore a t-shirt saying “I’d rather shoot my load than shoot a gun.” That might be offensive. True, but offensive. So, Orbson is officially boycotting Dollywood until they admit they were stupid. Hmmm, I may need a boycott blog. I already boycott Chick-Fil-A for anti-homosexual actions and Fox News because they’re idiots. I think a full blog on the topic might be in order. If anyone has any other companies to throw in the mix, let me know.

Currently Jamming to:

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Every Time a Republican Speaks a Puppy Dies.

Why is it that I cannot turn on the national news without seeing some SUV driving, conservative douche bag demanding an end to new taxes? Help me out here; I am really trying to understand. I can see the argument that the federal government is wasting our tax dollars on stupid programs such as corn subsidies or those pesky pennies. I can even understand an argument that the middle and lower classes are already paying more than they can afford. What I cannot understand is why anyone making under $250,000 per year would be opposed to raising taxes on corporations and the super-wealthy. The Democrats are not even asking for much. All they ask is that corporations pay the same tax percentage as they did back in the 90’s. That’s twenty years ago! Now I have not seen the latest census numbers but I am guessing that 45% of this country does not make over $250,000. Seriously, do these people even understand who they are fighting for?

Orbsonites, let me lay down a little knowledge that most of you already know. There is a great myth perpetrated by the wealthy corporations and bought into by Republicans. This myth says that the wealthier a corporation is the more jobs they will create for the average person. This conservative fantasy is called “Trickle Down Economics” and has been used to keep the sheep bending over for decades. As fantasies go, this one ranks right up there with a pygmy goat, a bucket of lube and copy of “Busty Ballet Dancers”. Completely illogical!* A corporation is responsible to its shareholders to make them as much profit as possible. If you are willing to pay $4 a gallon for gas, then they will charge $4. They have no obligation to do anything else. One of the many methods that corporations have implemented to maximize profits is to hire a majority of their labor force overseas. Great for profits, not so good for the average American family. As an economic theory, Trickle Down Economics is failing miserably. Profits are at an all time high while unemployment soars.

Of course the Great and Powerful Orbson would not dare rant without offering some common-sense suggestions. I won’t get into the tax code as I have written on that before. Today, I’ll stick to controlling the corporate monster. Many Republicans want you to believe that everything from Social Security to public education should be corporate-run. I don’t know about you, but I think some programs should never be run for profit. The Teabaggers argue vehemently against big government. However, I think that the government should serve and protect its citizens. This means creating hard-line banking regulations, not taking donations from corporations whose fate you will be deciding, and not giving tax breaks to companies who are not giving back full value. If a corporation has their call centers in India, they should pay more taxes here. Simple, right? Corporations are like teenagers. If you let them choose, they’ll always take the sports car. We need to step up and say “look we love you, but you’re taking the Ford Focus and if you break it, you’re grounded”.

*While this particular fantasy is illogical to me, I in no way condemn anyone who engages in said fantasy so long as the pygmy goat is a consensual participant. Also, should you actually find a publication called Busty Ballet Dancers you can email me at orbsonrice@gmail.com.

Yo Asshole Said Whhaaaaaat??? House Speaker John Boehner told Republicans to “Get your ass in line” after many expressed concern over his latest debt ceiling proposal. Finally, the truth comes out. Follow Republican leadership and get FUCKED!

Orbson At the Movies: I will NOT be seeing Transformers 3 because my favorite robot, Megan Fox, isn’t in it. Anyway, after T2 I don’t think I can take another bout of “who's fighting who”. Seriously, it was like watching CSPAN – a bunch of mindless drones yakking nonsense at each other. Though it was fun watching Michelle Bachmann transform into a hot air balloon.

Note to my Disciples: Yes, another political blog. However, as my page views jumped 300% the last two days, I am thinking people like them. For those of you looking for some brilliant laid back Orbson commentary, don't fret, I am working on some new material that will surely be gut-busting.

Currently Jamming:

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

If Obama Wants My Vote…

In November of 2008, I visited my local voting site and placed my vote for Barack Obama. This was not a difficult choice. I had heard Barack speak a few years earlier and knew he was the right one to lead us out of the horrific George W. Bush era. I stayed awake late into the night as the results streamed in. Finally, it was announced, the United States had elected its first black President. I am not ashamed to admit that I shed a tear. I believed that the American people had finally understood the damage that Republicans inflicted on our country. I believed that Obama could lead us into a better world.

Fast forward to the present. Our country could not be more deeply divided. We waste time over frivolous issues and our President has seemingly lost his spunk. We are already discussing the 2012 election and I feel the need to stand up with all of my Orbson might and state, “Mr. President, I appreciate the many positive changes I have seen under your administration. However, with all respect, I must insist that you please grow a larger set of testicles.”

Here is Orbson’s open letter to President Barack Obama:

Mr. President,

In 2012, I will vote for you again. I will do so because there is no other option for a liberal like myself. If there were a viable option however, I would consider switching. On the campaign trail you spoke with vigor and determination. You did not veil your contempt for conservative politics and you won your election on the backs of liberals. Now, I believe you have become politicized; another victim of the D.C. disease that turns idealists into egotists. Your desire to be reelected has blinded you from the truth. The truth is that a large percentage of this country will never vote for you. They despise you because you are a democrat, because you are liberal on social issues and yes in some cases because you are black. The rest of us will vote for you because we know that you are our best hope for change. Please put the election aside and start fighting for what is right.

In 2008 you won because of your words. I know the power of words. They can be used to create a revolution or to quell a riot. I know you are handcuffed legislatively, but you still have your words and the support of those who stand by you. To guarantee my vote, please take a risk. Not a small risk, like walking out of a debt ceiling meeting, but a huge risk. Stand up in front of the American people (preferably on some popular talk show so people will actually watch) and tell us again what you believe in. There is too much corruption in out government. There is too much hate and intolerance among our people. We have lost sight of that which makes the essence of a great nation – education, compassion and peace. We the people have made you our leader, our voice. If you want to bring tears to my eyes again, you will put reelection aside and use those words again. Tell this country that gay marriage should be legal everywhere – that we do not legislate love. Explain to your people that education and health care should be such a basic human right that they should be included in our Constitution. Show them that under Republican control, the rich get richer and everyone else suffers. Tell them that we need to stop focusing overseas and start working here at home. We are no longer a great nation, we are mediocre and that is not acceptable. Most of all, stop trying to compromise with people who are not willing to meet you half way. You sold out on health care, you are selling out on the debt ceiling. While I understand, I do not agree. You have our support. Fight. If you lose, at least you will know that you went down fighting for what you believe in. I would rather fall fighting for what I believe in, then stand for something I don’t. Mr. President, you have one chance to affect change, use your podium and you will be remembered. Fail and my tears will be born from sadness.

Orbson Rice

Orbson’s Quick Fix: Orbson has come up with a simple way to solve the budget crisis and make everyone happy. Teabaggers, you don’t want to pay taxes. Okay, from now on you don’t have to. Any citizen can opt out of paying taxes. Of course, that means you won’t have access to public schools, health care, Social Security, Medicare, fire and police departments, the Post Office, unemployment insurance, workers compensation, a minimum wage, roads, etc. You win, congratulations!

Orbson Tweets: “I think my Facebook page is run by conservatives. An advertisement for ‘vasectomy services’ keeps popping up.” Check out my Twitter feed at www.twitter.com/orbsonrice

Currently Jamming To:

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

"11" - Literary Art

I have always admired the work of great artists. Regardless of their medium, I love to be swept away into the worlds they create. I enjoy the mysteries of metaphor and am fascinated by fantasy. Sadly, though my own brain is filled with a myriad of artistic visions, I cannot adequately express them through paint or sculpture. Thus, I am left with my words. I have been laboriously working on a book whose working title is “Literary Art”. In it, I attempt to use my words to illustrate the various pieces of art that are wandering around my head. I only create a “piece” when I am feeling particularly inspired so it has been a slow road. I thought I would share with you one of my latest creations. This piece was inspired after watching a news story of yet another “seemed like a nice guy” arrest. The story made me think of how we all hide bits and pieces of our true selves from the world. I wanted to demonstrate this by creating an “every man”. An example of the never-ending battle between order and chaos that goes on in each of us.

Title: 11
Medium: Sculpture


Imagine with me as we walk through the museum of my brain. We enter a plain white room. In the center of this room is a free-standing sculpture of a well-dressed man standing next to a small table. A clock sits silently on the table. The man is wearing a white dress shirt, black slacks and gives off an aura of confidence. A black tie hangs from his neck. The tie is too long; it slithers forward off of the sculpture and onto the small table. As you look closer, you see that the tie has a very small colorful design on the front, near the man’s chest. The design is small and circular, like a bullet hole. Inside is a bright array of color and design that appears as though it’s struggling to escape the center and invade the surrounding material. You look even closer and see tiny bits of colorful thread extending into the surrounding darkness.

We examine the sculpture as a whole and see evidence of the same struggle throughout the piece. Reflections in his eyes, odd defects in his clothing; from a distance he looks perfectly normal, but up close you begin to wonder what is trying to get out. The clock on the small table is set for 11:00 AM. The tie wraps itself around the clock’s hands with a few extra feet of material resting on the table. You find yourself curious. What happens when you pull on the tie and change the time? You pull and the hands of the clock begin to move as the sculpture slides open. When the clock reaches 11:00 PM, the sculpture is fully open, revealing its chaotic interior.

Photographs, paintings and drawings saturate the interior. Colors burst from his feet to his hair in explosions of his true nature. Some are abstract, apparently meaningless in their simplicity, but curious in their placement. Why are his hands fiery red? His brain dark? His scrotum blue? While others embrace realism: a naked female model, a naked male model, images of pornography, drugs, alcohol, skydiving, images of a coworker’s breasts, a bank statement showing that he is broke, used scratch off lottery tickets, a sports car, a crucifix, a photo of himself masturbating in front of disappointed parents. We see areas of darkness with disturbing images of violence. We see other areas of brightness and examples of love and kindness. We are seeing the true nature of this man. The things he does not show to society whether for fear, shame or privacy. We see in his head, a small child in a cage- scared and alone. Order has been replaced by chaos, but you hear a click, click, click from the clock as it makes its way quickly back to 11:00AM. After a brief time, order has been restored and the statue is closed.

11 speaks to me about the realities behind our masks. In many ways, I have created the Orbson Oracle to tear down the my own barriers between order and chaos. To embrace my true nature so that I am not shackled like the man in the sculpture above. The Orbson Oracle is a part of my chaos, do you know what yours look like?

Monday, July 25, 2011

Pray Away the Stupid: The First Prayer of Orbson

Praise my name! Orbsonism is spreading. As the great words of Orbson permeate the public consciousness, we are seeing a massive migration of beliefs. As Orbsonism grows, so does the message. Today, I am honored to share with you the First Prayer of Orbson. Ah, my disciples, it is time to open your hearts, free your minds and prepare for a brain-smack from The God of Words himself.

Many poor, uneducated and misguided Christians believe that you can “pray away the gay.” Republican presidential candidate, Michelle Bachmann even owns a Christian counseling clinic which recently told a gay man that, “with prayer and effort, he could eventually learn to be attracted to women and rid himself of his gay urges.” Of course Orbson will not stand idly by as these sad, ignorant sheep are misled by that false religion.

Knowing he would be interested, I spoke at length with Jesus about this particular problem. “Orbson”, he said, “Really? Bachmann again? That annoying hag has been a pain in my ass for years. Look, you’re in charge now so it’s your call. Smite her good for all I care. I’ve had enough. I don’t care if someone is gay. Hey, I even like to partake in the sausage from time to time. Seriously, what are those people thinking. Love and tolerance. What is so fucking hard about that!”

I thought long and hard about his words and what I should do about the Bachmann/Christian conundrum. I spoke with the other deities, did extensive research on stupid people and searched my soul for the right answer. Of course, the 5th Tenet of Orbsonism forbids violence for this type of problem. Anyway, it wasn’t violence that was needed, it was intelligence. Epiphany! The First Prayer of Orbson. Orbsonism embraces loving and respecting the individual, so there will be none of that chanting zombies on Sunday foolishness. Orbsonites create their own unique prayers in whatever form they desire. I shall give you the essence of the First Prayer of Orbson:

Oh, Orbsonites of the World read my words. The greatest threat to mankind comes not from any one person, but the ignorance of the many. For too long, that ignorance has grown unchecked, like weeds suffocating flowers. Oh, Orbsonites, my flowers, I ask you to place one hand upon your genitalia and reach the other toward the sky and pray to Orbson, God of Words. Orbsonites, it is time to Pray Away the Stupid!

Of course Orbsonites know that a true prayer only has power when you take action after the prayer. I suggest opening Pray Away the Stupid Centers across the land. You may want to focus on the southern states first since they seem to have the greatest need. Introducing the ignorant to ideas like reading books and listening to facts should have a tremendous intellectual impact on the masses. You will likely meet with significant opposition, particularly from conservative leaders who would prefer the masses stay ignorant. Do not despair Orbsonites. You are smarter, you are stronger and you have The God of Words believing in you. Keep working and you shall overcome!

As I take my leave of you, know this: Orbsonism, the one true religion, celebrates you as an individual. Gay, straight, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, llama, Peruvian or any other ethnicity or orientation. Orbson loves you because you are unique. Don’t let the ignorance and hate of others bring you down. Let my love and the love of fellow Orbsonites lift you up. You are precious to the world and we will intellectually bitch-slap anyone who thinks otherwise.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Orbson Reviews Aladdin the Musical

Last weekend, Mrs. Orbson and I made our way to the 5th Avenue Theatre in Seattle to see the pre-Broadway run of Disney’s Aladdin. For those of you who are not theater snobs like us, this means that after performing in Seattle, the production will move straight to Broadway. It’s an awesome opportunity to see A-list stars, directors and crew without traveling to New York. We also get the bragging rights of seeing the performance before it becomes “big news”.

We made our way through the throngs of theater-goers and sat in our inexpensive, yet well-placed balcony seats. The stage curtain had been replaced by “magic carpets”, the band started playing and the mood was set. That’s when the stupid started ejaculating from the stage in bursts of community theater like mediocrity. Before the arrows start flying, yes there are many good community theaters out there. Unfortunately for us, Aladdin was to Broadway caliber as Sarah Palin is to intelligence. Severely lacking.

So what made Aladdin the opening act of Crapapalooza? Oh, where to begin. The rushed through dialogue? The underdeveloped characters? The lackluster score? Well yes, but the real mucus on this crusty scab of a musical was the staging and costuming. Now if you are at all familiar with Disney or have seen The Lion King musical you might think that a new Disney show would be larger than life with extravagant costume and sets. At the very least, you’d think that it would be as good as those 45-minute Disney World performances. You would be wrong on both fronts. There was barely any staging and the costumes looked like they were designed by a 3-year old using her My First Sewing Machine. The floor was completely bare with only the taped “marks” visible. Nothing screams Arabian like fluorescent purple duct tape.

There were three big scenes that should have been spectacular – when Aladdin meets the Genie, when Aladdin, pretending to be a prince, parades into town and Aladdin and Princess Jasmine’s magic carpet ride. At least with the Genie we got a little bit of smoke. Sure, I could have done it myself with a bucket of dry ice and a firecracker, but it did prove that somebody somewhere worked on this musical. Other than that, all we were given were a few dancers and a couple of baskets of fake fruit. Where are the elephants, the acrobats, where was the freakin Disney magic? The lack of anything resembling professional theater was appalling. Then, it got worse.

The magic carpet scene is supposed to be the romantic climax of the play. Well, if you consider a 10-foot-pole lifting the carpet off of the ground magical so be it. I don’t know about you but I find my romantic evenings severely distracted by having a pole shoved up my ass. Yes, I am sure some of you might find that enjoyable but remember – 10 feet, not 10 inches long. The best part was the beautiful starlit sky- stage hands dressed in black, were waving lights around. Seriously people, this is fine in high school but not for a Broadway musical.

Needless to say, Mrs. Orbson and I give this play two thumbs down. The cast was merely adequate and was not able to elevate this amateurish attempt at musical theater. Disney, you should be ashamed. I will point out that about half of the theater seemed to really enjoy the play. Of course half of the country votes Republican so…. In the end, I’d say rent the movie and forgo the play.

Orbson on Art – Check out one of my favorite artists, Pino Daeni. A perfect combination of colors, technique and feminine beauty. My favorites are “Everlasting Beauty” and “Angelica”. http://www.paragonfineart.com/artists/pino.html

Currently Jamming to:

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Bookseller’s Demise Signals Major Victory for Republicans (An Homage to The Onion)

The announcement of the demise of Borders Group sent a jolt of celebration through the Republican Party on Sunday as conservatives watched one of their biggest obstacles fall. Borders, the nation’s second largest bookseller, announced that it will be closing all 399 stores, firing their 10,700 employees and liquidating all of its assets. Considered a huge defeat for the Democratic Party and a possible turning point in the 2012 Presidential Election, Republican’s held celebratory rallies throughout the country. Speaking from outside his plantation, Mississippi Congressman Roy Enbreider expressed his excitement, “Finally, one of the great arms of the liberal monster has been cut off. No longer will the trite nonsense that liberals call facts be spread to the public. Books lead to divisiveness. We must put our faith in the Lord and let him guide us to the truth. Books, science, facts, these are all instruments of the devil, sent here to test our faith. No more! Today we celebrate a huge victory. We have overcome!”

Enbreider and the rest of the Republican Party may be right to celebrate. Leading into the 2008 election, a Gallup Poll found that registered voters with a Post Graduate were significantly more likely to vote for Barrack Obama. On the other hand, voters with only a high school education or less were more likely to vote for John McCain. If this trend continues, it behooves the Republican Party to minimize the amount of education available to the general public. Apparently, the smarter a person is, the less likely they will vote Republican. Certainly, the closing of the second largest bookseller is a positive step in that direction.

Conservatives are not only excited about the lack of education available to the public, but also the diminishing number of “devil books” such as the popular Harry Potter Series and the Hunger Games Trilogy. Evelyn Rothchild, President of “Ban Items that are Toxic to Christian Homes” or B.I.T.C.H. states, “For years we have been burning these instruments of Satan only to find them restocked the very next day. There is no place in a good Christian home for atrocities like magic, fantasy and rebellion. There is no place for ‘Science’, which is a fiction worse than any other. This is a glorious day, for a great evil has been purged. There is still much work to be done, but today we celebrate.”

Of course conservatives are not taking credit for the Borders Group downfall. Political analysts, Avery Wahns Toopad explains, “The Republican Party has essentially won the lottery with the announcement of Border’s demise. Not only do they strike a major victory in the education battle, but they are actually blaming President Obama for the Borders outcome. Of course Obama had nothing to do with it; Borders had ridiculously poor management that was constantly behind the changing technological climate. However, as most Republicans do not have the capacity to decipher the reasons why a company might fail, they simply blame the President.”

As we approach the 2012 Presidential Election, the true fallout of the liquidation of Borders will become apparent. Until then Republican leaders should sleep a little better knowing that the U.S. just got a little dumber.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Orbson Has Found Religion

As some of you may know, I am on a first name basis with many religious deities. Vishnu, Buddha, Muhammad, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Jesus, Joseph Smith, you name them and I probably have them on speed dial. As you can imagine, whenever we get together for our monthly poker game the topic of religion often comes up. By the way Michelle Bachmann, Jesus is not too happy with you. Now, each of them has some pretty interesting takes on how we should live our lives. After a few hours and a fair amount of booze, a bit too touchy feely Vishnu will usually admit that none of them really believe their religion is perfect. That the tenets of each were just made up after a series of 72-hour benders. So I asked the question that many of us have, “I would like to pick one of you to worship but I’m afraid I might regret that choice once I kick the bucket. What should I do?”

The Flying Spaghetti Monster, in all of its wisdom and enlightenment spoke first, “Orbson, we have no freaking idea. You think Jesus is happy right now. He preached tolerance and love and many of his followers are crazy, intolerant assholes. Muhammad’s pissed off that people are blowing up buildings in his name and Joseph Smith is only here because Vishnu played a practical joke on Jesus. The truth is that our religions were just guidelines for living life the right way and enjoying the gifts we bestowed upon you. It’s the stupid people down there that screw it up. They were supposed to enjoy the sex and waterfalls. To go forth and live the gift, not worship the giver. Look Orbson, we have all discussed this at length. You have proven yourself a God of Words, you need to use those words to put a plug in all of that stupid pouring out down there. This has been a long time coming, but Orbson, it’s time that we put our faith in you.”

The others nodded solemnly in agreement as FSM led me to this epiphany: Religion represents the stupidity of the masses, the need to believe that their lives are influenced and controlled by some higher power. Religion is based solely on the fear that when we die, that’s it, game over. Religious leaders use that fear to manipulate the masses to serve their desires and the sheep follow willingly. I, Orbson Rice, have been given the power to enlighten the sheep. To show them that the Gods of our world don’t want to be worshipped. My deity friends all agree; they don’t care who catches a touchdown, wins an election or achieves anything. They didn’t make you stronger or smarter or faster, you did. That, other than Lindsay Lohan, they don’t pay any attention to your daily lives. All they ask is that you enjoy what you have been given.

Thus, from the ashes of the world’s religions, the one true religion has been born. The tenets of Orbsonism will be detailed more thoroughly in The Great Tome of Orbson which I am currently composing with the help of my poker buds. However, I am prepared to bestow upon my disciples the 7 Great Tenets of Orbsonism. I was enlightened to their existence immediately after ejaculating to a photograph of Megan Fox. I found that the design my juices made on the tissue spelled out the basic tenets quite nicely. Props to FSM for such an excellent delivery system.

The 7 Tenets of Orbsonism

1. Life is a gift, enjoy it and don’t be an asshole.

2. Thou shalt have sex as often as possible.

3. The Earth is precious. If you harm the Earth during life you will be ass- raped for eternity in death.

4. Love is the most powerful thing in our world. Embrace it, protect it and never, ever stand in the way of people who love each other.

5. Violence shall always be the last and worst answer to any problem.

6. Women are the greatest gift on Earth, they create life and bring pleasure, beauty and intelligence. Every Saturday you shall worship them by stimulating their clitoris with your tongue*, taking them to their favorite places, feeding them their favorite foods and generally be awesome to them. If you harm a woman during life, you will be reborn on Earth as a maggot.

7. If you lead a virtuous life, you will be rewarded with the following: Your own planet and the ability to fuck with the people on your planet as much as you want, 100 virgins, a cloud to call your own, all of the Italian food you can eat, and most importantly the Key to the Door of Eternal Orgasms.

I am sure you’re all blown away by the simplicity and elegance of the Tenets. I was as well. In order to assist me in spreading the Word of Orbson, I have created various ways to share this miraculous gift. You will soon be able to find them at: www.cafepress.com/orbsonrice. Currently, there are a few samples, but they are still a work in progress. If anyone wishes to assist in their creation by sharing their wisdom and talent in the art of cartooning, you can email me at orbsonrice@gmail.com or simply put one hand on your genitalia, raise the other to the sky and pray to me. However, you may want to do both since Buddha still hasn’t set up my Higher-Power voicemail.

*Before the misinterpretations begin it is important to note that straight women and gay men are obviously exempt from the oral stimulation clause of the 6th Tenet. Remember, never stand in the way of Love. So, feel free to enjoy the penis.

Come visit my store on CafePress!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

In Memoriam

There is a three-year-old little girl in southeastern Michigan who has never met her great-grandma. Today, she'll likely be playing on her swing set or watching her favorite episodes of Dora the Explorer. She will undoubtedly feel the tension and sadness in the house, but won't understand the cause. Today would have been her great-grandma's birthday and the pain of her loss remains palpable.

This won't be the usual Orbson blog full of wit, wisdom and ranting. I won't be recommending that you punch anyone, or reflecting on the idiocy of conservatives. In honor of this little girl's great-grandma, I would just like to talk about Cancer and the questions of a little girl.

You see, her great-grandma should be around today. She would have been, were it not for the horrific disease that took her life far too early. I have seen too many people in my life who were afflicted with Cancer and far too many who lost that final battle.

I want to rant now. To demonstrate through facts and figure how Cancer is so much worse of a threat than any terrorist organization could ever be. But, I won't. It has been said before and when I think of that little girl playing alone in the backyard, wondering why everyone is so sad, all I can think of is comforting her. Telling her what her great-grandma was like. How she was kind and funny, opinionated and sassy. How she was the matriarch of a great family and how she kept that family close and compassionate. Still, when that little girl asks if anyone will ever stop the Cancer, I'm not sure what I will say. I'm not sure if I can say yes.

I have known far too many people who have been afflicted by one form of Cancer or another. I count seven family members within seconds and decide I don't want to keep counting. To remember family, friends, acquaintances, it's too difficult. When life is extinguished before its time it leaves a gaping hole in the hearts of those who cared for them. We fill those holes with cherished memories, but the knowledge that is was too soon never allows them to completely heal. What can I possibly say to the little girl to give her hope? What could any of us say?

Then I remember who I am. An idealist, an eternal optimist and most importantly someone who will never give up fighting for what is right. So I will tie a pink ribbon in her hair, and take her by the hand to the nearest 5k charity walk. I will tell her about her great-grandma and tell her that today we walk in her memory. Today we walk for all of the other great-grandmas and grandpas, mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters who are still fighting. I tell her that when we walk, they do not fight alone. So when she asks again if anyone will ever stop Cancer, I will answer with a resounding yes. Because we will always keep fighting and we will always keep walking, hand in hand.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Orbson's Darkest Secrets Revealed

Okay, after the Debt Ceiling blog, I really need to embrace my whimsical side. So I have decided to allow you to enter into the darkest recesses of my mind and explore Orbson’s most embarrassing secrets. You know the types of secrets I mean. You’re at a party and have no problem commenting on your fondness for Adele’s unique voice. However, when you’re in your car alone you’re jamming to Britney Spears’ “Hold it Against Me”. I personally have an eclectic taste in music with something like 6,800 tracks on my IPOD including both Adele and Britney. I have everything from classical to heavy metal and even a few “unable to classify” albums thrown in. However, my darkest secrets in music are far worse than Britney:

First CD I ever bought – Tiffany. I would love to say I only bought it because I was a teenager and she was gorgeous but that doesn’t explain why I still know all of the words to “I Think We’re Alone Now” and “Could’ve Been”.

Most embarrassing album on my IPOD – There are many contenders but I think my collection of various Disney songs probably wins. The fact that even though I have not listened to it in years I still know all of the songs by heart is deeply disturbing. “We are Siamese if you please… meow…” 10 points if you know what movie this is from. I do.

Currently blushing on – Oh God, this one really hurts. Okay, deep breath. “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus. Please stop, I can already feel the condemnation gushing out of you, through the Internet and all over my pretty blog. I have no idea what else she sings, but that song is freakin catchy. Oh yeah, I like Avril Lavigne too. She is not nearly as embarrassing as Miley but is probably worthy of an honorable mention.

Okay, time to move on to books. Well, I am not sure it is that embarrassing but I have a thing for young adult novels. Lately I have been finding the stories more compelling the literature geared to an older audience. Instead of spending four pages describing the chair they are sitting on, I actually get a good story. Hunger Games, Divergent, Fault in our Stars. Winning.

When I am not reading about sparkling teenage vampires, I’m watching movies and TV shows. I could come up with dozens of example of just how “off” I am in this genre but I had to narrow it down to a few: The Cutting Edge – one of the greatest movies of all time. Make it or Break it – An ABC Family channel show about gymnastics. Glee- Oh wait, Glee is not embarrassing it is just AWESOME. Love Actually - My second favorite movie of all time. Moulin Rouge – I know it was nominated for Best Picture but when I tell people it is my #1 favorite movie of all time they tend to get that judgmental look in their eyes. It could be because 6 foot 4 guys who look like football players probably shouldn’t be found singing and dancing to “Elephant Love Medley”. But hey, I am totally comfortable being me. Finally, it is worth noting that Gilmore Girls, One Tree Hill, The O.C. and Ghost Whisperer make up an entire shelf of my DVD collection.

The moral of this blog is this: You are reading words that are written by a freak. If you like these words then you too may be a freak. Don’t fret, there is plenty of room in the club and we have a lot more fun than the boring people. We even have balloons and cake! I know this is a brand new blog and I have all of three readers thus far but I’d be curious to know what dark secret interests you are hiding. Is Howard The Duck your favorite movie? Do you go gaga for Justin Beiber? A Teletubby fetish? Come on and fess us up boys and girls, cuz it’s share time!

That’s all for now, gotta run and listen to Harry Potter on my IPOD.

Just finished reading: “Thr3e” by Ted Dekker. An entertaining summer read. Fast paced, with an intricately woven plot. Won’t be studied in schools 100 years from now, but is definitely good for a summer’s day. I give it 4 out of 5 stars.

New Word in My Vocabulary: “Trending” not sure how long it has been around, but it is everywhere now. You might say that “trending” is now trending. Hmm, I hope Orbson Rice will be trending soon.

Please help me...

Friday, July 15, 2011

Happy Punch a Smoker Day!

Happy Punch A Smoker Day! From here forth, Orbson declares July 15 to be Punch A Smoker Day. In addition to the normal benefits of an Orbson holiday (day off of work and hourly sex games) Orbsonites have the privilege to deck a smoker without consequences*. Smokers are allowed to completely screw with our health 364 days a year, so now it’s our turn. Make sure the punch is a good one because you won’t get another for a year. For those of you worried that you’re not strong enough to do any real damage, remember, if you are under 5’8” you are allowed to use a baseball bat. Unfortunately, being 6’4” I’ll need to use my fist, but don’t worry, I’ll make it count.

I wouldn’t expect that any of my readers are habitual smokers (at least not of cigarettes), since you are far too brilliant for that. However, if you do partake, you may want to stay indoors and keep your windows and drapes shut.

I was planning at this point to spout off a bunch of statistics as to the ways that second hand smoke is killing us, but after a quick search I realized it would fill up all of my allotted writing space. There are dozens of pages of horrific consequences of second hand smoke. You can always check them for yourself at places like the Center for Disease Control, World Health Organization, Environmental Protection Agency or pretty much any scientific entity not funded by cigarette companies. Cigarette smoke is poison, it makes you sick and far too often it will kill you. This is regardless of whether you are the one doing the smoking.

In his past, Orbson may or may not have put cyanide in a really obnoxious boss’s coffee. If he did, that would be considered illegal. This begs the question, why are the obnoxious people living beneath me not breaking the law by allowing their smoky poison to enter my windows. Smoker’s rights groups keep arguing they have a right to smoke anywhere and everywhere they want. If true, shouldn’t I have the right to poison people too? The fact is, they don’t have the right to smoke, and luckily for Republicans, I don’t have a right to poison. You can’t just create rights people, otherwise Orbson has a few he’d like to create (hmm, potential future blog).

Look, smoking is bad for you. Smoking makes you smell like someone’s ass 40 minutes after leaving a Thai buffet. Smoking makes the people around you sick – it makes the people around you die. I fully believe that if you are smoking in a house with children you are committing child abuse just as much as you would be if you were putting bleach in their cereal. I have written to my Congressman about this. He doesn’t care. Nobody seems to care. Thus, Punch A Smoker Day was born. Enjoy. Oops, my hour is up, time for a challenging game of “Buffy the Vampire Layer”.

*Punch A Smoker Day represents a lawful activity in the imaginary world of Orbsonia in which it is legal to punch a smoker one day per year. You may wish to check with reality prior to taking part in Punch A Smoker Day since reality’s laws may differ.

Profound Thoughts: Why do so many popular songs keep asking me to “put my hands up”? I went for a one hour drive and by the time I got home I couldn’t even lift my arms anymore.

Song to Punch A Smoker By: “Uprising” by Muse

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Examining Orbson's Rear

One warm July morning, I had just drifted off to sleep and was having a particularly satisfying dream starring Mila Kunis, when suddenly I was visited by a higher power. Yes, I am talking about the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I looked in awe at his “noodly appendages” as he spoke, “Orbson Rice, you are a God among men. Your words must be spread far and wide. Go forth and serve the noodle.” Thus, the Orbson Oracle was born. As I ponder the events of the past few months, I realize that I missed many of opportunity to spread the word of Orbson. So here is a look back:

Anthony Weiner – If you’re going to lose your job over a sex scandal shouldn’t you have gotten a little action? Frankly, I could care less if my politician cheats on his/her spouse, frequents cathouses or gets the occasional blowjob in some dark alley. I may not want my imaginary children marrying these people but that does not mean they won’t make damn good politicians. I liked Weiner, and other than some odd Tweets he sent me that left me feeling a bit confused, I thought he had some good ideas. On a side note: Men, here is a little practical advice from Orbson to you. Women generally don’t like it when we tweet pictures of our penises to them. They’re not like “ooh I want me some of that”, they are more like “hmmm, how does one file a restraining order?” *

Charlie Sheen – Since I too have “tiger blood”, “Adonis DNA” and am a “Warlock” I totally get where he is coming from. Better yet, I want to go there, sounds like fun. Of course, I may need some shots after, but hey it would probably be worth it.

Lindsay Lohan – They really need to make Lindsay Lohan an interactive game. Too much booze, a little theft, a little jail, it’s getting redundant. How about America votes on what she will do next? I vote for riding Lady Godiva style onto the White House lawn yelling, “Let me show you my Parent Trap!”

The Royal Wedding – Mmmmmm Pippa….

The Book of Mormon (Broadway) – I have not seen it live, just listened to the album. Within 60 seconds I had spit milk through my nose. So freakin hilarious! Massive kudos to the Mormon Church for taking it in stride; your religion may be a joke, but you seem to have a very good sense of humor. I’m sure the Christians would go nuts if the musical was about them. By the way, if I join can I really have my own planet? Do you have an inside man at NASA? Cuz I would hate to have gotten stuck with Pluto only to find, “oops sorry, no longer a planet. You lose.”

*After writing the Weiner section, I keep thinking that parts of it reminds me of something Bill Maher said on Real Time. I did some searching but couldn’t find anything. While I love Bill, I don’t want to go back and watch a half of a dozen episodes. So, if any of this section sounds familiar it is only because Bill is brilliant and left a mark in my brain, not because I intentionally borrowed anything.

Currently hating on: Why the hell are conservatives going after environmentally friendly light bulbs? Seriously, what’s next? Puppies?

Orbson’s Profound Thought of the Day – Sex has been proven to be medically beneficial so shouldn’t sex toys be covered by our medical insurance?

Song I would have posted immediately if I had a blog back then:
Do You Want to Date My Avatar? by Felicia Day. Answer? Yes, please!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Debt Ceilings, Pennies and Stupid People

I started writing a blog dealing with the debt ceiling debate before I realized nobody probably cares. Sorry, it is on my mind, thus it is the topic of the day. Now, I could probably sum up my views in a brief 15 page position paper. Rather than bore you with endless financial ramblings, I’ll try to break down my thoughts in a more concise way. Congress, this is a non issue! Raise the damn thing like you are planning to do anyway and stop the political grandstanding. Yes, it sucks to have to borrow even more money and sink even further into debt. Now you know what it’s like for millions of American families every day. The facts are simple. There are bills that must be paid and an arbitrary debt ceiling that’s more illusion than reality. So get off your corrupt asses and just raise the damn thing. Or better yet, trash it all together. Then, keep standing up and start making the hard decisions to get this country fiscally responsible again.

As you probably guessed, I am expecting a call from my buddy Barrack any day now. The reason? Nobody knows common sense better than Orbson Rice. A lot of American zombies/citizens hear the word economy and their eyes roll back into their heads and they race off toward the nearest TV set to watch Jersey Shore. Look people, it is not that complicated. When something doesn’t work, fix it or get rid of it. What would Orbson recommend? Here are a few starting points:

First, stop making pennies! They cost more to produce then they are worth. Yes, I know it will be hard to live without those wondrous coins. How often do I come home after a long day only to find my bliss by rolling around naked on a bed of pennies. Oh I will miss you little coin but I am sorry, you’re pointless! No, this will not make a huge impact on the deficit but it just gets my panties in a bunch that this obvious money sucker continues to live on.

Secondly, close all of the extraneous post offices and shave a day or two off of deliveries. Oh shit, what about my Netflix? What am I going to do without my DVDs everyday? Read? Workout? Communicate with others? The horror… the horror…. The facts here are simple. Americans are using the post office significantly less than they were 10 years ago. Still, they've only raised postage by 10 cents and have kept far to many post offices open. Less money coming in + higher expenses = bankrupt. In 2010, the U.S. Post Office was more than $8 billion in the hole. Also, please raise the cost of a first class stamp to an even $1. See, it even helps gets rid of those damn pennies! Why do we get so annoyed when stamps raise a few cents? Think about it. We spend $5 at Hallmark for a folded piece of paper but don’t want to spend a single dollar to pay for someone to travel thousands of miles away to hand deliver it to our love ones? Now isn’t that just plain silly.

“We the people” want all of these great services like uhm the Post Office, public education, Social Security, Medicare and universal health care. Great! We should have them, we need them, but we also need to pay for them. I realize that half of this country lives in La La Land where the biggest problems are those damned homosexuals trying to get married and that black muslim president who was born in some Middle Eastern cave. But the rest of us, you know, those of us who are not crazy religious nutjobs, actually want to solve real problems with real solutions. Our government should provide the basic services needed for us to pursue “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”. The citizens should pay the required taxes to afford those programs. All of the citizens, including big business and the ultra rich. Did you know that the richest 400 people in this country earned something like 10 times as much this past year as they did 10 years ago? How much do they pay in taxes? More than 10 percentage points less. They hire lobbyists, pundits and a “news” network to create fear using nonsensical issues to keep the sheep scared while they take turns anal raping the middle class. Enough is enough, it’s time to turn around and let us pitch for a while.

So Congress, listen to the wisdom that is Orbson. If I have financial questions I speak to my broker or a financial manager not a politician. Call in the economists, give them the budget, the tax code and some beer and let them figure this out. By the way, this is not purely a Democrat v Republican issue, though of course I have no problem trashing Republicans. This is a Congress issue, which means this is a people issue. We need to pay more attention or the next thing we know a former beauty queen who knows foreign policy because she can see Russia from her front porch will be running for Vice President. Oh shit….

Relevant Songs - "Billionaire" - Travie McCoy featuring Bruno Mars and "Price Tag" by Jessie J

Good website for bargain hunters – http://slickdeals.net/
My Broker – https://www.fidelity.com/

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The N.F.L. or More Aptly, "No Fan Love"

The NFL lockout may be nearing its inevitable end. This should be great news but I realized that someone is going to be royally screwed when the collective bargaining agreement is finalized- ME. Okay, really I should say all fans but frankly I don’t care enough about other people’s opinions to be that inclusive. So, why am I being screwed you ask? In the coming days the millionaires and billionaires will find a way to divvy up a shitload of money and I am not getting a penny!

Why should I share in the rewards of professional football? Well consider this: The NFL family (owners, players, coaches, administration, etc.) get money from ticket sales, concession stands, restaurants, sports paraphernalia, parking spaces and most importantly TV contracts and advertising. Now I rarely go to a game anymore because it’s so freaking expensive that I would be required to sell my imaginary children into slavery to even get in the door. So, I’ll often find myself plopped in front of the TV watching my favorite team find new and unique ways to lose. Yes, I am a Detroit Lions fan. The one hour of football is delicately stretched to a 3 and a half hour experience with a seemingly endless of stream of urin… I mean commercials. I am allowing all of these companies to try to sell me their products. Do I get a cut? Nope. All I get is one hour of football. Imagine if they turned every episode of Survivor into a 4 hour experience complete with 3 hours of commercials. How do you think that would go over?

Now I know what some of you might say: “Well then don’t watch it anymore.” To you I say, BITE ME. You are so not getting my point it makes me wonder whether you would be better off reading something else. Seriously, I don’t want you anymore (Yes, I do). Go away (please don't). Okay, back to the issue. I know what my options are, what I want to know is why there are not any concessions made to help the fans. I would bet most families in this country could not afford to go to a game. Profits are great but how about a few thousand $15 seats in these 40,000 plus capacity stadiums? If I cared more I would organize a lockout of the NFL until this issue is resolved…. Oh wait, sorry gotta run NFL Live is on ESPN. Later.

Currently hating on: Cell phone companies. Too expensive, bad customer service.

Profound thoughts: Do you think S&%t My Dad Said was cancelled because conservatives finally realized what “S&%t” actually stood for?

Reading: Thr3e by Ted Dekker

Jamming to: "Tonight, Tonight" by Hot Chelle Rae and "Monster" by Meg and Dia

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Meeting Orbson Rice

Welcome! This is the first of what I hope to be many blogs spreading the wit and wisdom of yours truly, Orbson Rice. In the coming years, I have fond hopes to entertain, energize and piss off legions of readers with my many insights. Since I plan to take you on an exhilarating and wild trip, the least I can do is provide a roadmap. So here comes the hopefully non-boring Q/A portion of this blog:

Who is this great and powerful Orbson Rice?

If you are looking for my resume here is the short version. English BA, JD (Law), licensed but non-practicing attorney. Before you switch back to the porn website, you should know that I hated being a lawyer. It sucked massive llama balls. I wanted to help people who couldn’t help themselves and quickly found myself working 60 hours a week for evil corporations and idiotic people. I should have stuck with English. Now, I am a published writer, ghostwriter, editor and all around God of Words.

Why should I care what Orbson thinks?

You shouldn’t. You should care about what you think. You should use my words to start up conversations and to discover for yourself what you actually believe. Also, I rock. You will undoubtedly have many a life changing epiphany while reading one of my blogs. If you want to pass on that opportunity, don’t worry, I am like the Catholic Church, I don’t care what you do, you can always come back to me.

What is the Wonderful Wizard of Orbson going to be writing about?

I will talk about anything and everything that happens to be on my mind. I have been finding myself with a few too many opinions lately and desperately need to share these opinions with someone before my head explodes. Saying that, I think it may be time for a warning. When you wake up in the morning and anxiously reach for your morning cup of Orbson, you will enter a mind with a myriad of interests. One day I might talk about a political topic, another I might discuss what everyone wore to the Oscars. I am interested in a LOT of things. So don’t be shocked when on some random day I might choose to write about the mating rituals of Birds of Paradise. Hopefully, you’ll still find it interesting and fun.

I am an ultra right wing religious teabagger who is very concerned about the content my children might see on the Internet. Is your blog family friendly?

Sorry, I think you want Fox News. They use shorter words. For the rest of my liberal open-minded friends, I want this blog to be an expression of myself without any walls. I hate when people swear every other word but sometimes I find a good “Fuck” to be very pleasing. Oh yeah, their will be some sexual innuendo thrown in. I don’t expect my dark side to do anything other than color what will surely be magnificent prose. If there any teabaggers still reading, don’t worry, prose is just another word for writing. I could explain innuendo but I am afraid your head might explode.

I am convinced that Orbson Rice will create a great blog but I would still like to know more about him as a person. How about some stream of consciousness?

Okay, but I warn you, enter this brain at your own risk: Beauty, beauty, beauty, hiking, waterfalls, sports, theater, theater, theater, Broadway, politics, environment, science, statistics, Tennessee Williams, Joss Whedon, Ernest Hemingway, Jean Genet’s “The Balcony” books, books, books, Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Dean Koontz, , this new rap/ballad thing going on, Def Poetry, liberals, sex, sex, sex, love songs, romance, football, Xbox 360, saving money on stuff, Les Miserables, Moulin Rouge, Amelie, Memento, Emo music, something more but nothing with an organized religion, oral sex, reality arts shows like the Hollywood makeup one or the next great artist. Bravo network, USA network, cry during movies, happy to watch Titanic or Rambo, traveling, writing, writing, writing, coming up with hundred of ideas for books, movies and musicals, Halo, Fallout, Madden, Fallout Boy, Good Charlotte, The Book of Mormon, Avenue Q, RENT, questioning authority, questioning everything, sometimes think this country sucks, sometimes loves it, want to live overseas, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, love the water, would love to teach at a college, wrote a script for How I Met Your Mother that was never sold but I love, huge Big Bang Theory fan, thinks comic book nerds are awesome, can watch pretty much any sporting event other than auto racing and really get into it, happiest in Tucson, Arizona, think most people are significantly more stupid than I am, a bit arrogant but also caring and thoughtful, anything that makes me think, Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, art, art, art, Pino Daeni, beautiful women, intelligent women, intelligent women, intelligent women, music, investing, wildlife, nightlife, carpe noctem,

I could probably go on for hours but I’d rather let you discover some for yourselves. If, dear reader, you have lasted this far with me, we just might have a beautiful relationship ahead of us.