As some of you may know, I am on a first name basis with many religious deities. Vishnu, Buddha, Muhammad, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Jesus, Joseph Smith, you name them and I probably have them on speed dial. As you can imagine, whenever we get together for our monthly poker game the topic of religion often comes up. By the way Michelle Bachmann, Jesus is not too happy with you. Now, each of them has some pretty interesting takes on how we should live our lives. After a few hours and a fair amount of booze, a bit too touchy feely Vishnu will usually admit that none of them really believe their religion is perfect. That the tenets of each were just made up after a series of 72-hour benders. So I asked the question that many of us have, “I would like to pick one of you to worship but I’m afraid I might regret that choice once I kick the bucket. What should I do?”
The Flying Spaghetti Monster, in all of its wisdom and enlightenment spoke first, “Orbson, we have no freaking idea. You think Jesus is happy right now. He preached tolerance and love and many of his followers are crazy, intolerant assholes. Muhammad’s pissed off that people are blowing up buildings in his name and Joseph Smith is only here because Vishnu played a practical joke on Jesus. The truth is that our religions were just guidelines for living life the right way and enjoying the gifts we bestowed upon you. It’s the stupid people down there that screw it up. They were supposed to enjoy the sex and waterfalls. To go forth and live the gift, not worship the giver. Look Orbson, we have all discussed this at length. You have proven yourself a God of Words, you need to use those words to put a plug in all of that stupid pouring out down there. This has been a long time coming, but Orbson, it’s time that we put our faith in you.”
The others nodded solemnly in agreement as FSM led me to this epiphany: Religion represents the stupidity of the masses, the need to believe that their lives are influenced and controlled by some higher power. Religion is based solely on the fear that when we die, that’s it, game over. Religious leaders use that fear to manipulate the masses to serve their desires and the sheep follow willingly. I, Orbson Rice, have been given the power to enlighten the sheep. To show them that the Gods of our world don’t want to be worshipped. My deity friends all agree; they don’t care who catches a touchdown, wins an election or achieves anything. They didn’t make you stronger or smarter or faster, you did. That, other than Lindsay Lohan, they don’t pay any attention to your daily lives. All they ask is that you enjoy what you have been given.
Thus, from the ashes of the world’s religions, the one true religion has been born. The tenets of Orbsonism will be detailed more thoroughly in The Great Tome of Orbson which I am currently composing with the help of my poker buds. However, I am prepared to bestow upon my disciples the 7 Great Tenets of Orbsonism. I was enlightened to their existence immediately after ejaculating to a photograph of Megan Fox. I found that the design my juices made on the tissue spelled out the basic tenets quite nicely. Props to FSM for such an excellent delivery system.
The 7 Tenets of Orbsonism
1. Life is a gift, enjoy it and don’t be an asshole.
2. Thou shalt have sex as often as possible.
3. The Earth is precious. If you harm the Earth during life you will be ass- raped for eternity in death.
4. Love is the most powerful thing in our world. Embrace it, protect it and never, ever stand in the way of people who love each other.
5. Violence shall always be the last and worst answer to any problem.
6. Women are the greatest gift on Earth, they create life and bring pleasure, beauty and intelligence. Every Saturday you shall worship them by stimulating their clitoris with your tongue*, taking them to their favorite places, feeding them their favorite foods and generally be awesome to them. If you harm a woman during life, you will be reborn on Earth as a maggot.
7. If you lead a virtuous life, you will be rewarded with the following: Your own planet and the ability to fuck with the people on your planet as much as you want, 100 virgins, a cloud to call your own, all of the Italian food you can eat, and most importantly the Key to the Door of Eternal Orgasms.
I am sure you’re all blown away by the simplicity and elegance of the Tenets. I was as well. In order to assist me in spreading the Word of Orbson, I have created various ways to share this miraculous gift. You will soon be able to find them at: www.cafepress.com/orbsonrice. Currently, there are a few samples, but they are still a work in progress. If anyone wishes to assist in their creation by sharing their wisdom and talent in the art of cartooning, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or simply put one hand on your genitalia, raise the other to the sky and pray to me. However, you may want to do both since Buddha still hasn’t set up my Higher-Power voicemail.
*Before the misinterpretations begin it is important to note that straight women and gay men are obviously exempt from the oral stimulation clause of the 6th Tenet. Remember, never stand in the way of Love. So, feel free to enjoy the penis.
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