Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Happy Punch a Smoker Day!

Happy Punch A Smoker Day! From here forth, Orbson declares July 15 to be Punch A Smoker Day. In addition to the normal benefits of an Orbson holiday (day off of work and hourly sex games) Orbsonites have the privilege to deck a smoker without consequences*. Smokers are allowed to completely screw with our health 364 days a year, so now it’s our turn. Make sure the punch is a good one because you won’t get another for a year. For those of you worried that you’re not strong enough to do any real damage, remember, if you are under 5’8” you are allowed to use a baseball bat. Unfortunately, being 6’4” I’ll need to use my fist, but don’t worry, I’ll make it count.

I wouldn’t expect that any of my readers are habitual smokers (at least not of cigarettes), since you are far too brilliant for that. However, if you do partake, you may want to stay indoors and keep your windows and drapes shut.

I was planning at this point to spout off a bunch of statistics as to the ways that second hand smoke is killing us, but after a quick search I realized it would fill up all of my allotted writing space. There are dozens of pages of horrific consequences of second hand smoke. You can always check them for yourself at places like the Center for Disease Control, World Health Organization, Environmental Protection Agency or pretty much any scientific entity not funded by cigarette companies. Cigarette smoke is poison, it makes you sick and far too often it will kill you. This is regardless of whether you are the one doing the smoking.

In his past, Orbson may or may not have put cyanide in a really obnoxious boss’s coffee. If he did, that would be considered illegal. This begs the question, why are the obnoxious people living beneath me not breaking the law by allowing their smoky poison to enter my windows. Smoker’s rights groups keep arguing they have a right to smoke anywhere and everywhere they want. If true, shouldn’t I have the right to poison people too? The fact is, they don’t have the right to smoke, and luckily for Republicans, I don’t have a right to poison. You can’t just create rights people, otherwise Orbson has a few he’d like to create (hmm, potential future blog).

Look, smoking is bad for you. Smoking makes you smell like someone’s ass 40 minutes after leaving a Thai buffet. Smoking makes the people around you sick – it makes the people around you die. I fully believe that if you are smoking in a house with children you are committing child abuse just as much as you would be if you were putting bleach in their cereal. I have written to my Congressman about this. He doesn’t care. Nobody seems to care. Thus, Punch A Smoker Day was born. Enjoy. Oops, my hour is up, time for a challenging game of “Buffy the Vampire Layer”.

*Punch A Smoker Day represents a lawful activity in the imaginary world of Orbsonia in which it is legal to punch a smoker one day per year. You may wish to check with reality prior to taking part in Punch A Smoker Day since reality’s laws may differ.

Profound Thoughts: Why do so many popular songs keep asking me to “put my hands up”? I went for a one hour drive and by the time I got home I couldn’t even lift my arms anymore.

Song to Punch A Smoker By: “Uprising” by Muse

1 comment:

  1. 1 day per year? I can't get mix fix with only one.
    1 punch per smoker per year makes me warm and fuzzy inside.