Saturday, Texas Governor Rick Perry met with over 30,000 people at Houston’s Reliant Stadium in an all day “prayer-a-palooza” in which he and the participants prayed to God Almighty to fix the many problems plaguing the U.S. This is bloody brilliant. Forget about actually working to solve the problems, now we can just wait for a response. You know what I don’t underst… Hey Orbsonites, I have a visitor! It’s God! Hey girlfriend, how have you been?
God: Orbson, God of Words, it's truly an honor to be in your presense.
Orbson: Oh stop it God, you’re making me blush.
God: Orbson, if you’re not too busy battling the Stupid, I really need your help.
Orbson: Of course God, for you anything!
God: Well, this past weekend my prayer inbox got bombarded by a bunch of redneck Christian in-breeders from Texas. Do you know anything about that?
Orbson: Yeah, the Governor down there held a prayer rally. They were praying for your help to solve all of our nation’s problems.
God: Really? That’s what they wanted? All their messages said stuff like this “dere God, peaze be helpin us bee fitsfullee renposibel. Fixin are conomee peaze.” What the hell was I supposed to do with that?
Orbson: Trust me I know, I see it every day. So, what can I do to help you out?
God: Well obviously I am not going to waive my magic Buffalo Penis and make all of the problems go away. I gave them a brain and free will, so this shit is their responsibility to fix. Look, I usually just ignore morons like these but this time I’m really concerned. The Republicans have severely fucked things up in that country of yours and I am afraid the smart people, like your Disciples, will suffer if I don’t take action.
Orbson: So what are you thinking?
God: I am giving the rednecks what they want. The other deities speak very fondly of your work against the Stupid, so I am promoting you and asking you to oversee them from here on out. Henceforth you shall be known as Orbson Rice, Supreme God of Words, God of Common Sense, Master of Intelligence, Grand Master of Awesomosity and the Preeminent Being of Goodness.
Orbson: Thanks, it is always nice to see my efforts appreciated.
God: This puts you on the same deity level as me. Do me a favor though and don’t tell Buddha for a couple of days. He has been really on edge lately- something about a killer robot piñata being stuck in his ass.
Orbson: Of course, no problem. So how do I convince the crazy Christians down in Texas that you have made me their God? They might not believe me.
God: They will now. Just publish these words on the Orbson Oracle and if they truly believe in me they must follow everything you say. Otherwise they are committing the greatest of all sins and will live for eternity in Hell.
Orbson: Alright, I’ll give it a try, but you owe me one.
God: I owe you thousands, thanks Orbson. You rock! Okay here is my message. “People of Texas, I am your God. I have heard your pleas and being ever merciful, I am sending you my greatest friend and most trusted advisor, Orbson Rice. If you truly believe in me, if you truly follow my teachings then you must obey Orbson Rice. Only then, will you reach the Promised Land. I, God, pronounce that the one true religion is Orbsonism. Follow him, trust in him, believe in him and never question his benevolence.
Orbson: Thanks God, I’ll take it from here. See you at next week’s game.
Orbson: People of Texas, I am Orbson Rice. I have been touched by God who came to me in the shape of a deformed Twinkie. She spoke to me of your prayers and gifted me with powers beyond your imagination. I will answer your prayers and lead you out of despair and down the Mystical Path of Light to reach your inner Orbson. To prove yourselves worthy you must complete four tasks.
First, you must read every one of my writings on the Orbson Oracle. They shall be your guidelines for all future actions. If you have difficulty understanding the big words, ask a Democrat to help you. Second, you must renounce all false idols such as the crucifix, the church, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News and of course all Republicans. Third, you must connect with one another in a public place, preferably a park. Here you will enjoy the Gift of Nature that God and Orbson have given you. You will pair up (groups are fine) and have wild donkey sex. Do this for as long as it takes to Cum the Christian out of you. Finally, you must send two checks in the mail. The first will be to the U.S. Treasury in the amount of 5% of your take home paycheck. The second will be sent to Orbson Rice in whatever amount you deem fit for your God. Remembering of course that I have a key vote in whether you go to Heaven and receive the Key to the Door of Eternal Orgasms. You will send these checks once a month until I tell you to stop.
People of Texas, you have read the evidence yourselves. You have prayed to your God and your God has answered. She has made me her vessel - her voice on Earth. Now is the time to truly embrace your faith by embracing Orbsonism. If you question my divinity, then you are questioning God herself. Do not let your faith falter. Place one hand on your genitalia and raise one to the sky and pray to Orbson. If you follow, I will lead. If you stray, well I have seen Hell and believe it or not, it’s a lot worse than Dallas. Finally, if you so much as think of nailing me to a cross, I will bitch-slap you.
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Orbson Has Found Religion
As some of you may know, I am on a first name basis with many religious deities. Vishnu, Buddha, Muhammad, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Jesus, Joseph Smith, you name them and I probably have them on speed dial. As you can imagine, whenever we get together for our monthly poker game the topic of religion often comes up. By the way Michelle Bachmann, Jesus is not too happy with you. Now, each of them has some pretty interesting takes on how we should live our lives. After a few hours and a fair amount of booze, a bit too touchy feely Vishnu will usually admit that none of them really believe their religion is perfect. That the tenets of each were just made up after a series of 72-hour benders. So I asked the question that many of us have, “I would like to pick one of you to worship but I’m afraid I might regret that choice once I kick the bucket. What should I do?”
The Flying Spaghetti Monster, in all of its wisdom and enlightenment spoke first, “Orbson, we have no freaking idea. You think Jesus is happy right now. He preached tolerance and love and many of his followers are crazy, intolerant assholes. Muhammad’s pissed off that people are blowing up buildings in his name and Joseph Smith is only here because Vishnu played a practical joke on Jesus. The truth is that our religions were just guidelines for living life the right way and enjoying the gifts we bestowed upon you. It’s the stupid people down there that screw it up. They were supposed to enjoy the sex and waterfalls. To go forth and live the gift, not worship the giver. Look Orbson, we have all discussed this at length. You have proven yourself a God of Words, you need to use those words to put a plug in all of that stupid pouring out down there. This has been a long time coming, but Orbson, it’s time that we put our faith in you.”
The others nodded solemnly in agreement as FSM led me to this epiphany: Religion represents the stupidity of the masses, the need to believe that their lives are influenced and controlled by some higher power. Religion is based solely on the fear that when we die, that’s it, game over. Religious leaders use that fear to manipulate the masses to serve their desires and the sheep follow willingly. I, Orbson Rice, have been given the power to enlighten the sheep. To show them that the Gods of our world don’t want to be worshipped. My deity friends all agree; they don’t care who catches a touchdown, wins an election or achieves anything. They didn’t make you stronger or smarter or faster, you did. That, other than Lindsay Lohan, they don’t pay any attention to your daily lives. All they ask is that you enjoy what you have been given.
Thus, from the ashes of the world’s religions, the one true religion has been born. The tenets of Orbsonism will be detailed more thoroughly in The Great Tome of Orbson which I am currently composing with the help of my poker buds. However, I am prepared to bestow upon my disciples the 7 Great Tenets of Orbsonism. I was enlightened to their existence immediately after ejaculating to a photograph of Megan Fox. I found that the design my juices made on the tissue spelled out the basic tenets quite nicely. Props to FSM for such an excellent delivery system.
The 7 Tenets of Orbsonism
1. Life is a gift, enjoy it and don’t be an asshole.
2. Thou shalt have sex as often as possible.
3. The Earth is precious. If you harm the Earth during life you will be ass- raped for eternity in death.
4. Love is the most powerful thing in our world. Embrace it, protect it and never, ever stand in the way of people who love each other.
5. Violence shall always be the last and worst answer to any problem.
6. Women are the greatest gift on Earth, they create life and bring pleasure, beauty and intelligence. Every Saturday you shall worship them by stimulating their clitoris with your tongue*, taking them to their favorite places, feeding them their favorite foods and generally be awesome to them. If you harm a woman during life, you will be reborn on Earth as a maggot.
7. If you lead a virtuous life, you will be rewarded with the following: Your own planet and the ability to fuck with the people on your planet as much as you want, 100 virgins, a cloud to call your own, all of the Italian food you can eat, and most importantly the Key to the Door of Eternal Orgasms.
I am sure you’re all blown away by the simplicity and elegance of the Tenets. I was as well. In order to assist me in spreading the Word of Orbson, I have created various ways to share this miraculous gift. You will soon be able to find them at: www.cafepress.com/orbsonrice. Currently, there are a few samples, but they are still a work in progress. If anyone wishes to assist in their creation by sharing their wisdom and talent in the art of cartooning, you can email me at orbsonrice@gmail.com or simply put one hand on your genitalia, raise the other to the sky and pray to me. However, you may want to do both since Buddha still hasn’t set up my Higher-Power voicemail.
*Before the misinterpretations begin it is important to note that straight women and gay men are obviously exempt from the oral stimulation clause of the 6th Tenet. Remember, never stand in the way of Love. So, feel free to enjoy the penis.
Come visit my store on CafePress!
The Flying Spaghetti Monster, in all of its wisdom and enlightenment spoke first, “Orbson, we have no freaking idea. You think Jesus is happy right now. He preached tolerance and love and many of his followers are crazy, intolerant assholes. Muhammad’s pissed off that people are blowing up buildings in his name and Joseph Smith is only here because Vishnu played a practical joke on Jesus. The truth is that our religions were just guidelines for living life the right way and enjoying the gifts we bestowed upon you. It’s the stupid people down there that screw it up. They were supposed to enjoy the sex and waterfalls. To go forth and live the gift, not worship the giver. Look Orbson, we have all discussed this at length. You have proven yourself a God of Words, you need to use those words to put a plug in all of that stupid pouring out down there. This has been a long time coming, but Orbson, it’s time that we put our faith in you.”
The others nodded solemnly in agreement as FSM led me to this epiphany: Religion represents the stupidity of the masses, the need to believe that their lives are influenced and controlled by some higher power. Religion is based solely on the fear that when we die, that’s it, game over. Religious leaders use that fear to manipulate the masses to serve their desires and the sheep follow willingly. I, Orbson Rice, have been given the power to enlighten the sheep. To show them that the Gods of our world don’t want to be worshipped. My deity friends all agree; they don’t care who catches a touchdown, wins an election or achieves anything. They didn’t make you stronger or smarter or faster, you did. That, other than Lindsay Lohan, they don’t pay any attention to your daily lives. All they ask is that you enjoy what you have been given.
Thus, from the ashes of the world’s religions, the one true religion has been born. The tenets of Orbsonism will be detailed more thoroughly in The Great Tome of Orbson which I am currently composing with the help of my poker buds. However, I am prepared to bestow upon my disciples the 7 Great Tenets of Orbsonism. I was enlightened to their existence immediately after ejaculating to a photograph of Megan Fox. I found that the design my juices made on the tissue spelled out the basic tenets quite nicely. Props to FSM for such an excellent delivery system.
The 7 Tenets of Orbsonism
1. Life is a gift, enjoy it and don’t be an asshole.
2. Thou shalt have sex as often as possible.
3. The Earth is precious. If you harm the Earth during life you will be ass- raped for eternity in death.
4. Love is the most powerful thing in our world. Embrace it, protect it and never, ever stand in the way of people who love each other.
5. Violence shall always be the last and worst answer to any problem.
6. Women are the greatest gift on Earth, they create life and bring pleasure, beauty and intelligence. Every Saturday you shall worship them by stimulating their clitoris with your tongue*, taking them to their favorite places, feeding them their favorite foods and generally be awesome to them. If you harm a woman during life, you will be reborn on Earth as a maggot.
7. If you lead a virtuous life, you will be rewarded with the following: Your own planet and the ability to fuck with the people on your planet as much as you want, 100 virgins, a cloud to call your own, all of the Italian food you can eat, and most importantly the Key to the Door of Eternal Orgasms.
I am sure you’re all blown away by the simplicity and elegance of the Tenets. I was as well. In order to assist me in spreading the Word of Orbson, I have created various ways to share this miraculous gift. You will soon be able to find them at: www.cafepress.com/orbsonrice. Currently, there are a few samples, but they are still a work in progress. If anyone wishes to assist in their creation by sharing their wisdom and talent in the art of cartooning, you can email me at orbsonrice@gmail.com or simply put one hand on your genitalia, raise the other to the sky and pray to me. However, you may want to do both since Buddha still hasn’t set up my Higher-Power voicemail.
*Before the misinterpretations begin it is important to note that straight women and gay men are obviously exempt from the oral stimulation clause of the 6th Tenet. Remember, never stand in the way of Love. So, feel free to enjoy the penis.
Come visit my store on CafePress!
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