August 23 is upon us and it’s time for another Orbson holiday. For too long, August has been the forgotten month. Yes, it is National Goat Cheese Month and sure we do get to gaze in awe at the Perseid Meteor Shower, but where’s the holiday? Therefore, I Orbson Rice do hereby proclaim August 23 to be Screw With a Republican Day! As you know, every Orbson holiday gives you certain inalienable rights. You are allowed to blow off work, put off any chores at home and can completely pamper yourself. Oh, and don’t forget the hourly sex games! So grab your favorite goat cheese as we explore the wonders of this most amusing of holidays.
All year long, Republicans are allowed to screw with us. From their insane comments and made-up facts to their desire to make sure their Presidential candidates are verifiably insane. Today, we turn the crazy around. Each Orbson Disciple should celebrate the holiday in a unique and interesting way. However, I wouldn’t be Orbson Rice without a few suggestions to get you thinking. Now each of us knows a Republican. Whether through family, work, or even the occasional friend there is always someone who quotes Sarah Palin and uses the words “those people” in most of their conversations. So, find your nearest Republican and start screwing:
1. Donate money to a liberal organization on their behalf. Imagine the look on avid hunter Uncle Larry’s face when he receives a letter from P.E.T.A. thanking him for his donation. Don’t stop there though, have P.E.T.A. send out donation packs to his hunting buddies saying that good ol’ Larry donated and he thinks they should too.
2. That gas guzzling SUV would look a lot nicer with an “Obama 2012” bumper sticker on the back. Afraid they’ll just rip it off? Get a bunch and keep putting them on and if they ask, just tell them that Jesus made you do it.
3. Good ol’ conservative Aunt Mary likes to send you daily emails talking about the evil Democrats? Time to get back at her. How about signing her email address up to every liberal organization you can think of. Hey, maybe a few hundred liberal emails a day will rub off on her.
4. Your conservative friend is on Facebook? I think it may be time for a few comments on his Wall. “Hey, great to see you at the Dennis Kucinich rally last night.” “Hey, I loved your article about how we should repeal the 2nd Amendment. You’re right, guns are evil.” “Dude, saw you at the gay pride rally last night. Great speech on legalizing gay marriage!”
These are just a few simple ideas to get you started. However, if you really want to screw with a Republican, then I have the perfect recipe for you. Read. Listen. Research. Think. Understand. Be compassionate to someone when you get nothing in return. Pick up litter. Plant a tree. Have amazing sex with whomever you want. The best way to screw with a Republican is using your brain, respecting your planet and treating others well. That is what really screws with Republicans.
So, get out there and have fun celebrating Screw with a Republican Day! Now if you’ll excuse me it is time for another exotic game of Riding the Albino Alpaca Aye. Canadian sex games are always so dirty…
Orbson Tweets: “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” movie? That’s like calling a porn movie “Get Your Hand out of Your Pants”.
Orbson Read What? To Avoid Brain-Eating Amoebas, Hold Your Nose I didn’t read the whole article so just to be safe I’ll be holding my nose 24/7.
Orbson at the Movies: Spy Kids 4 (starring Jessica Alba) will be giving out scratch and sniff cards to audience members so they can smell the action on the screen. I’m not sure how realistic this will be. I think I should smell Jessica Alba just to make sure it’s consistent.
Showing posts with label conservatives. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conservatives. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
If Obama Wants My Vote…
In November of 2008, I visited my local voting site and placed my vote for Barack Obama. This was not a difficult choice. I had heard Barack speak a few years earlier and knew he was the right one to lead us out of the horrific George W. Bush era. I stayed awake late into the night as the results streamed in. Finally, it was announced, the United States had elected its first black President. I am not ashamed to admit that I shed a tear. I believed that the American people had finally understood the damage that Republicans inflicted on our country. I believed that Obama could lead us into a better world.
Fast forward to the present. Our country could not be more deeply divided. We waste time over frivolous issues and our President has seemingly lost his spunk. We are already discussing the 2012 election and I feel the need to stand up with all of my Orbson might and state, “Mr. President, I appreciate the many positive changes I have seen under your administration. However, with all respect, I must insist that you please grow a larger set of testicles.”
Here is Orbson’s open letter to President Barack Obama:
Mr. President,
In 2012, I will vote for you again. I will do so because there is no other option for a liberal like myself. If there were a viable option however, I would consider switching. On the campaign trail you spoke with vigor and determination. You did not veil your contempt for conservative politics and you won your election on the backs of liberals. Now, I believe you have become politicized; another victim of the D.C. disease that turns idealists into egotists. Your desire to be reelected has blinded you from the truth. The truth is that a large percentage of this country will never vote for you. They despise you because you are a democrat, because you are liberal on social issues and yes in some cases because you are black. The rest of us will vote for you because we know that you are our best hope for change. Please put the election aside and start fighting for what is right.
In 2008 you won because of your words. I know the power of words. They can be used to create a revolution or to quell a riot. I know you are handcuffed legislatively, but you still have your words and the support of those who stand by you. To guarantee my vote, please take a risk. Not a small risk, like walking out of a debt ceiling meeting, but a huge risk. Stand up in front of the American people (preferably on some popular talk show so people will actually watch) and tell us again what you believe in. There is too much corruption in out government. There is too much hate and intolerance among our people. We have lost sight of that which makes the essence of a great nation – education, compassion and peace. We the people have made you our leader, our voice. If you want to bring tears to my eyes again, you will put reelection aside and use those words again. Tell this country that gay marriage should be legal everywhere – that we do not legislate love. Explain to your people that education and health care should be such a basic human right that they should be included in our Constitution. Show them that under Republican control, the rich get richer and everyone else suffers. Tell them that we need to stop focusing overseas and start working here at home. We are no longer a great nation, we are mediocre and that is not acceptable. Most of all, stop trying to compromise with people who are not willing to meet you half way. You sold out on health care, you are selling out on the debt ceiling. While I understand, I do not agree. You have our support. Fight. If you lose, at least you will know that you went down fighting for what you believe in. I would rather fall fighting for what I believe in, then stand for something I don’t. Mr. President, you have one chance to affect change, use your podium and you will be remembered. Fail and my tears will be born from sadness.
Orbson Rice
Orbson’s Quick Fix: Orbson has come up with a simple way to solve the budget crisis and make everyone happy. Teabaggers, you don’t want to pay taxes. Okay, from now on you don’t have to. Any citizen can opt out of paying taxes. Of course, that means you won’t have access to public schools, health care, Social Security, Medicare, fire and police departments, the Post Office, unemployment insurance, workers compensation, a minimum wage, roads, etc. You win, congratulations!
Orbson Tweets: “I think my Facebook page is run by conservatives. An advertisement for ‘vasectomy services’ keeps popping up.” Check out my Twitter feed at www.twitter.com/orbsonrice
Currently Jamming To:
Fast forward to the present. Our country could not be more deeply divided. We waste time over frivolous issues and our President has seemingly lost his spunk. We are already discussing the 2012 election and I feel the need to stand up with all of my Orbson might and state, “Mr. President, I appreciate the many positive changes I have seen under your administration. However, with all respect, I must insist that you please grow a larger set of testicles.”
Here is Orbson’s open letter to President Barack Obama:
Mr. President,
In 2012, I will vote for you again. I will do so because there is no other option for a liberal like myself. If there were a viable option however, I would consider switching. On the campaign trail you spoke with vigor and determination. You did not veil your contempt for conservative politics and you won your election on the backs of liberals. Now, I believe you have become politicized; another victim of the D.C. disease that turns idealists into egotists. Your desire to be reelected has blinded you from the truth. The truth is that a large percentage of this country will never vote for you. They despise you because you are a democrat, because you are liberal on social issues and yes in some cases because you are black. The rest of us will vote for you because we know that you are our best hope for change. Please put the election aside and start fighting for what is right.
In 2008 you won because of your words. I know the power of words. They can be used to create a revolution or to quell a riot. I know you are handcuffed legislatively, but you still have your words and the support of those who stand by you. To guarantee my vote, please take a risk. Not a small risk, like walking out of a debt ceiling meeting, but a huge risk. Stand up in front of the American people (preferably on some popular talk show so people will actually watch) and tell us again what you believe in. There is too much corruption in out government. There is too much hate and intolerance among our people. We have lost sight of that which makes the essence of a great nation – education, compassion and peace. We the people have made you our leader, our voice. If you want to bring tears to my eyes again, you will put reelection aside and use those words again. Tell this country that gay marriage should be legal everywhere – that we do not legislate love. Explain to your people that education and health care should be such a basic human right that they should be included in our Constitution. Show them that under Republican control, the rich get richer and everyone else suffers. Tell them that we need to stop focusing overseas and start working here at home. We are no longer a great nation, we are mediocre and that is not acceptable. Most of all, stop trying to compromise with people who are not willing to meet you half way. You sold out on health care, you are selling out on the debt ceiling. While I understand, I do not agree. You have our support. Fight. If you lose, at least you will know that you went down fighting for what you believe in. I would rather fall fighting for what I believe in, then stand for something I don’t. Mr. President, you have one chance to affect change, use your podium and you will be remembered. Fail and my tears will be born from sadness.
Orbson Rice
Orbson’s Quick Fix: Orbson has come up with a simple way to solve the budget crisis and make everyone happy. Teabaggers, you don’t want to pay taxes. Okay, from now on you don’t have to. Any citizen can opt out of paying taxes. Of course, that means you won’t have access to public schools, health care, Social Security, Medicare, fire and police departments, the Post Office, unemployment insurance, workers compensation, a minimum wage, roads, etc. You win, congratulations!
Orbson Tweets: “I think my Facebook page is run by conservatives. An advertisement for ‘vasectomy services’ keeps popping up.” Check out my Twitter feed at www.twitter.com/orbsonrice
Currently Jamming To:
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