Thursday, March 28, 2013
White House Accidentally Orders Drone Strike on Fox News Headquarters
Surprisingly, the strike was not the fault of a programming error. The DSS monitors more than 10,000 specific threat characteristics to determine if an immediate response is necessary. If the system deems that the threat is imminent and that immediate action is vital to protect the nation, it will preemptively launch a strike. “DSS worked the way it was supposed to”, states Chief Engineer Chip Boolean. “Fox hit over 90% of the key threat characteristics created by the Department of Defense.” Some of the threat characteristics picked up by the system included direct threats to the President of the United States, supporting hate groups, perpetuating racism and spreading untruthful propaganda to facilitate public disharmony. Concluded Boulean, “Once Fox hit 9,000 of the 10,000 threat characteristics, the system engaged. Fox News runs 24-hours a day so, DSS saw the threat as imminent and acted accordingly. I would like to clarify that contrary to speculation, one of the threat characteristics was not the canceling of Joss Whedon’s brilliant TV show Firefly in 2002.”
President Obama apologized for the mistake and ensured that the DSS will be modified to prevent this from occurring in the future. Reports also state that DSS had scheduled drone strikes at the estates of conservative pundits Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter over the course of the next few days. There has been no indication from the White House as to whether those attacks have been cancelled.