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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Captain America Defects to Canada

April 11, 2012 marks an historic and sad day for the people of United States of America. Their most beloved hero, Captain America, has decided to defect to Canada. During a press conference in the former city of Gotham, now known as Detroit, Captain America spoke at length about his decision. “It is with heartfelt regret that I must renounce my U.S. citizenship and announce that I have become a citizen of the great nation of Canada.” This surprise declaration comes in the wake of other notable defections including Superman, Green Arrow, Wolverine and Batman.

According to the 2006 Canadian census, in the past twenty years, cases of U.S. citizens immigrating to Canada have doubled. Canada is ranked 5th happiest country in the world by the United Nations and 2nd by the Economic Co-operation and Development Better Life Index. With its educated populace (87% have a high school degree or more), high literacy, low crime and the second best reported overall health in the world, Canada is quickly becoming the premier destination for those searching for a better life.

However, as Captain America discussed, immigrating to Canada is not an easy task. “Over the past six months I have put myself through the rigorous “I Wanna be a Canadian Eh Training Program”. I have learned to pilot a zamboni, I have seen Canadian Bacon 17 times and now understand the significance of a “blue line” and “icing”. I’ve also promised to leave any rude and obnoxious U.S. behavior here in the States and embrace the Canadian concept of ‘being nice to each other’.”

U.S. citizens should rest assured that they still have the highest number of superheroes per capita of any nation in the world. Still, with the recent tragic death of Aquaman due to over-polluted waters, our inspiration and protection now rests in the hands of heroes such as Batwing, The Wonder Twins and Lebron James. Captain America, now known as Colonel Canada, will certainly be missed.

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