Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Legalizing Child Labor- An Experiment in Sarcasm

According to a recent study, there were 15 million children in the United States of America living in poverty in 2009. That is roughly 1 in 5 kids. Now, I may be watching too much Fox News but I can’t help but think that there are 15 million very lazy brats in this country and it’s time we put a stop to the madness. Before I’ll go into my multi-step plan, let me fill you in on the rest of the story.

The Annie E. Casey Foundation reported that more than 30 million children (2 in 5) live in a household “where no parent had a full time year-round job”. They are quick to point out that the last time the statistics were this bad was in the early 1990s, just after the Reagan and Daddy Bush years. Under Clinton, the U.S. made substantial progress, yet for some reason in 2000 the number of impoverished kids began rising dramatically. Now those liberal hippies would like to point out that when a Democrat is President, kids are better off, but I don’t buy the premise. I think that kids are living in poverty because they’re not getting off of their tiny butts and getting a job. Yet the liberals keep pointing to all of their “facts”.

One fact is that states with the worse incidents of child poverty are conservative southern states such as Alabama, Louisiana and the much maligned Mississippi which actually holds the last place ranking (for the 10th consecutive year) with over 31% of their kids living in poverty. On the other hand, the top states for children were New Hampshire, Minnesota, Massachusetts and Vermont. All of which voted Democrat in the last election. I call shenanigans! Clearly these so called facts are being used to confuse the good people of the south. I call upon my fellow conservatives to ignore these deceptions and implement the following plan:

First: In 1938, Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Fair Labor Act which placed limits on child labor. FDR was also responsible for Social Security and giving federal rights to workers to form unions and collectively bargain their employment contracts. Clearly this was another liberal hippy Democrat who doesn’t believe in hard work. What? He was a Republican? Well, he was probably a closet hippie. Anyway, the first step is to repeal this Act.

Second: Shrink the school day to 45 minutes so that these kids can get to work. Look, clearly school is not working otherwise this country would be much better off. So rather than waste time trying to read, write and learn the other stuff that schools allegedly teach, let’s just skip it all. The children will spend 45 minutes a day in Science class where they will discuss the wonders of Creationism and The Bible.

Third: Get the brats working! Look, I have seen 6-years-olds with far more energy than I have at 37. Get them working in fast food, construction, retail and factory work. Where there is a need, stick them in. They are not really a full person yet so you only need to pay them a portion of what a grown person makes. $1 an hour sounds generous. They work 14 hour days, 7 days a week and suddenly that family is not so impoverished is it? Best thing, if the kids get a little tired, just hook up a sugar IV and you can extend their work day to 16-18 hours easily. Meanwhile, businesses grow with easy access to cheap labor. Win-win situation.

In conclusion, we spend too much time coddling lazy good for nothing people in this country. All of these liberals are simply looking for a handout. Well, the next time you see my hand out, it will be because I am about to slap some sense into you. Get your brats in line, get the books out of their hands and get them to work.

It bothers me that I feel the need to say this, but just in case this is read by some random moron in cyberspace you should know this article is dripping with sarcasm. Clearly I don’t think that 6-year-olds should be working. They can start much earlier.

Orbson’s Blue Ballin: “Taylor Swift Wardrobe Malfunction” Talk about disappointment! A misplaced wind machine that blows her skirt up to show off a pair of granny panties is not worthy of the phrase “wardrobe malfunction”. Seriously, that is all I get. I already had one hand on the Orbson sword and was ready to start swinging. All I get is an upskirt? So very sad.

Orbson at the Movies: Shark Night 3D! You know, they just don’t make classic movies like this anymore. I have not even seen it yet and I am already filling out my Oscar ballot. Go Shark!

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