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Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Scott Walker Passes Law Declaring Himself a “Genius”

Wisconsin Governor and presidential hopeful Scott Walker has finally answered critics who have suggested that he does not have the proper education to govern. Earlier today, Walker signed into law a measure that would define anyone with an I.Q. of 90 or higher as a “genius”. During today’s press conference Walker stated, “I’ve always known I was exceptional but today everyone knows that I am a genius. I is proof that we don’t need no education department. I may not have graduated from college but I have been knowledgized by life.” According to test administrators, under the new law Walker is considered a genius by 1 point.

After the announcement Walker threw himself a lavish “I Be a Genius Party!” at the state capital. The festivities included a giant bouncy castle, clowns that create balloon animals, cake and ice cream and his favorite game, Pin the Pink Slip on the Teacher. Walker, whose brief stint at Marquette University led him to a remarkable 2.59 grade point average, unexpectedly left school before graduating. While he never returned to finish his degree, he has proven his genius by the way he has governed Wisconsin. During his term he has busted teachers’ unions and demonized teachers by comparing them to ISIS. He supports the dissolution of the Department of Education and states that his years as a Boy Scout have prepared him to be Commander in Chief of the U.S. military. Defending the statement on the Fox News show “America the Bestest Nation Ever” Walker asserts, “I have a badge in Bugling! You need that in the military.” More recently, Walker is attempting to get colleges to stop reporting sexual assaults on campus. Since the good people of Wisconsin continue to vote for Walker, it may only be a matter of time before we’ll all get to experience for ourselves just what being “knowledgized” entails.

Image by: DonkeyHotey

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