Welcome to the somewhat unbalanced mind of Orbson Rice.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Campaign Unveils Mitt Romney V5.0

Namaste Orbsonites! You may have noticed that I have been abnormally quiet these last couple of weeks. Well apparently even someone as awesome as me can get sick. I'm not sure if it was the flu or a sinus infection, either way, I have discovered a very important thing about myself. The things that I write when I have a 102 degree fever are really and truly awful. Fear not though, I am slowly recovering and was able to muster the strength to create the following bit o' satire.

On October 1, the long awaited Mitt Romney 5.0 is expected to be released to the general public. Just days before the debates, this latest version of the Presidential candidate is projected to be a dramatic improvement over Romney 4.0 which has thus far been described as both a “complete disaster” and the “Windows Vista of Presidential candidates”. The Romney 4.0 has been plagued with bugs that have had his campaign in a constant state of crisis management.

Since the release of Romney 4.0 this past spring, he has succeeded in insulting foreign leaders, denigrating half of the U.S. population, describing $250,000 a year as middle class and snubbing the poor, the elderly, Hispanics, teachers, and police and fire departments. In fact, Romney 4.0 has been such a failure, the campaign has had to implement “backtrack updates” almost daily to cover apologies and damage control. In one instance, an update was issued just minutes before Romney announced Paul Ryan as “the next President”. According to the campaign, “It could have been worse. He was set to name Bristol Palin as the Vice Presidential nominee. We barely uploaded the fix in time.” Republicans hope that the release of Romney 5.0 will end the litany of gaffes as the campaign desperately searches for a way to win the election.

The Mitt Romney 5.0 will offer voters an entirely new Mitt Romney experience. Voters can expect a return to a more centrist Mitt who will revisit his fondness for universal health care and pro-choice legislation. Romney will also be equipped with the latest in multimodal interaction technology which will better equip Romney to process new information and respond in a more intelligent manner. With the debates just days away, the campaign is hoping the new technology will allow them to compete with what they admit is a significantly smarter Barack Obama. The Mitt Romney 5.0 will also appeal to younger voters by being able to instantly access Yelp, Pandora and Google Maps upon request. As for Ann Romney, a campaign spokesperson stated, “The old version will have to do. We tried to figure out a way to add compassion to her programming but her interface recognizes it as a virus and immediately destroys the software. You see this sometimes with older conservative models.” In any event, with the debates just days away, the Romney campaign is pinning its Presidential aspirations on the Mitt Romney 5.0.

Photo by: Robert Huffstutter

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