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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Conservative Group Accidentally Helps the Arts

Ultra-Conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC), made waves on Monday when they unknowingly aided the Arts. The JLC is a non-profit organization dedicated to obtaining properties deemed as “historic” or “environmentally significant” for major corporations to exploit. Rick Perry, the JLC founder, has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling. This past July, the JLC successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement and build the first ever “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range”. However, it was the JLC’s actions in Royal Oak, Michigan that has many of its loyal followers questioning the true motivations of the organization.

The JLC arrived in Michigan last week in an effort to turn the Detroit Zoo into the nation’s first Christian-themed indoor entertainment complex. The complex would come complete with an All Christian IMAX Theater, Revelations Arcade, Last Supper Diner, and the indoor Crucifixion Carnival with its soon to be famous Bible Thumper Bumper Cars. Unfortunately for the JLC, their plan to force the Zoo’s closure hit an embarrassing snag.

On Wednesday evening, the Detroit Zoo’s administration was scheduled to appear before the City Council to ask for increased funding. The JLC arrived at the meeting, planning to offer the City Council and the Zoo $10 million dollars to deny the Zoo’s petition, immediately sell the land to the JLC and dispose of the “useless animals”. This strategy has worked numerous times in the JLC’s history and they didn’t believe they would run into any trouble. Thus they sent a new employee to finalize the deal.

When Jebediah Strokoff walked into the City Council meeting for the JLC, little did he know that the Zoo’s appearance date had been changed. Instead of the Zoo’s petition, they were considering a petition by a small non-profit art organization called Art for Kids. When Jebediah arrived, the organization’s founders, Peter and Elizabeth Goodheart, were petitioning the City Council for a grant of $5,000 to help fix up the decrepit building they were using to host classes and events. They even brought some of the children in to display their paintings and sculptures which unfortunately for Jebediah and the JLC were all created during their last Animal Appreciation lesson.

Jebediah, mistaking the Goodheart’s for representatives of the Zoo immediately stood up and requested that the City Council deny their petition. He offered the City and the Goodheart’s (who actually owned the property) $10 million dollars. Stunned, the Goodheart’s tried to explain that the property was not worth that much. “We told him it was just a 4-room office building, but he kept looking up to the sky and saying ‘Jesus wills it thus’. Jebediah, who had never been interested in “book learnin”, simply did what his bosses at the JLC requested. The Goodheart’s immediately contacted their attorney and within an hour, the sale was complete and legal. Art for Kids now had all of the money they would ever need.

The next day, the JLC realized their mistake and tried to back out of the deal, but it was too late. The unintentional good deed had been done. At a political fundraiser in Massachusetts last night, a JLC spokesperson stated, “I was deeply saddened by the news in Royal Oak, Michigan. We do not support the Arts. I repeat the JLC does not support the Arts. This was an honest mistake and one that we will correct.”

However, it may be too late to save the JLC’s image. A former member spoke with us about the falling standards of the JLC, “They had the chance to close Yellowstone and they didn’t. They have a chance to close a deal on the Everglades but are dragging their feet. This is not the organization our forefathers had in mind when they formed this country. Yesterday, they helped poor the Arts. What did they get in return? Next to nothing. You don’t help people for nothing. That’s called socialism.” Can the JLC survive this scandal? I guess we'll have to wait and see.

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