Kansas Bill Mandates Sterilization for Post-Abortion Women

(More satire to read over your morning cup of absinthe.)

Amidst the latest wave of anti-abortion legislation, the 69-page Kansas bill may be the most controversial. If passed, women in Kansas will be forced to undergo a tubal ligation within 6-months of having an abortion. Tubal ligation, or “tube tying”, is a surgical procedure that permanently prevents the patient from becoming pregnant in the future. The hotly debated measure was defended by Kansas Governor Sam Brownback:

“Abortion is murder, but until we can change the [U.S.] Supreme Court’s decision on the matter it’s still legal. However, just because it is legal does not mean it should be used as it is today – as birth control. We are told that the decision to abort a child is the most difficult a woman will ever make. If she goes through with the abortion then she obviously believes that she is not mentally able to raise a child, and she is too selfish to give the child to a deserving family through adoption. If a woman is not taking responsibility to either care for the child or give him or her up for adoption, then she should not be trusted with that responsibility in the future.”

Though the sterilization measure has ignited mass protests, Governor Brownback has refused to back down. When asked whether women should be punished for life for choosing to have an abortion, Brownback responded, “Well, her child was punished for life by her decision to kill him or her, I think it is only fair that we not reward her carelessness and irresponsibility.” Brownback further incited protestors when he spoke on the issue of abortion after rape or incest. According to Brownback, “The perpetrator’s crime was his action and he should pay for that. The woman’s action is to have the abortion. That was her decision, and she should pay for that.”

Brownback has stated that he will sign the bill as soon as it reaches his desk. The Kansas bill is yet another in a string of anti-abortion laws spreading throughout the country. States are forcing women to have medically unnecessary ultrasounds, instituting new taxes on abortions, allowing doctors to withhold medical information that might lead to an abortion and even permitting doctors to lie to their patients about abortions causing breast cancer. Mississippi went so far as to institute a 270-day waiting period requirement before being able to have an abortion. Unfortunately, Brownback is optimistic that the bill will soon become law and he will be able to get back to his regular duties which include monitoring the comments of teenager girls on Twitter.

Clinton Appointed to Secret Service Chaperone Position

On Tuesday, former President Bill Clinton was appointed to the position of Chaperone of the United States Secret Service. In reaction to the recent controversy involving alcohol, strippers and prostitutes in Colombia, the Secret Service has instituted new “rules of conduct” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/28/secret-service-chaperones_n_1461457.html for its agents. One of the measures involves the appointment of a “chaperone” to monitor agents’ actions and enforce the new higher standards. Within hours of the announcement, President Clinton made a formal request to fill the position. According to White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, “The former President was adamant that he would be able to provide the proper oversight for the after-hours activities of Secret Service agents and President Obama agreed.”

After examining the old version of "The Secret Service Rules of Conduct", it is unclear whether the "new rules" were needed or just a reaction to the controversy. In the section labeled “Engaging prostitutes while visiting foreign countries”, the rules clearly stated:

1. Agents may entertain no more than five prostitutes per room, per evening.
2. If agents are garbed in outfits including but not limited to sexy kitten costumes, French maid outfits or latex body suits, they should refrain from leaving their hotel rooms.
3. Agents should refrain from creating a scene with prostitute(s) due to unrequited articulations of love or refusal to pay for services rendered.

Had the agents followed the previously established protocol there likely would not have been a scandal in Colombia. Still, according to Clinton the inclusion of a chaperone will create an aura of respectability. “The agents can still have a good time, but they’ll do it in a more discreet and professional way. I understand blowing off some steam, but they need to be believable when they deny it later.” The first test of the new regime will occur this weekend in Bangkok, Thailand where the former President is already getting comfortable in his new position by thoroughly vetting potential escorts.



Currently Jamming To:

Arizona Bill will Ban Subversive Latino Music from Radio

If Governor Jan Brewer gets her way, Arizona radio stations will soon be prohibited from playing Latino music over the airwaves. On May 3, the Arizona House will vote on a bill that would ban any music that:

1. Promotes the overthrow of the United States government.
2. Promotes resentment toward a race or class of people.
3. Is designed primarily for listeners of a particular ethnic group.
4. Advocates ethnic solidarity instead of treating listeners as individuals.

According to the bill, “Any music that includes more than five words in a language other than English will be reviewed by an independent commission for seditious overtones.” By these standards, many popular artists such as Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, Shakira, Pitbull and Selena Gomez will likely find their songs banned from Arizona radio stations. According to Brewer, this legislation is necessary to “curb the growing use of subversive music to manipulate young Latinos into hating the United States.” Since entering office, Brewer has made a concerted effort to attack Hispanic culture. HB 2281, which has similar language to HB 2863, outlawed the teaching of Ethic Studies in Arizona schools. According to Tucson Unified School District board member Michael Hicks, “If there is no more white people in the world than okay, you can do what you want.” Until then, Brewer is doing everything she can to curb the flow of Latino music, books and history over Arizona borders.

Brewer’s supporters believe that the Governor is only doing what is necessary to protect the “American way of life”. Evelyn Rothchild, President of Ban Items that are Toxic to Christian Homes states, “Music these days is sinful. It’s all sex, drugs and violence. Ever since that La Bamba song came out we have been fighting against this evil Mexican music. What does ‘La Bamba’ even mean? Do you know? It probably means America is Satan? Why would we want to put that on the airwaves?”

Governor Brewer is quick to point out that she is not banning Latino music, merely asking that it be translated into English and examined for “inappropriate” lyrics before airing it on the radio. “If a song has good wholesome lyrics, it can be played in our official state language. Artists can no longer hide subversive and incendiary material behind the Spanish language.” The Bill is expected to pass the House and be signed by Brewer on Thursday, or as Arizonians will now call it, “the day the music died”.