Campaign Unveils Mitt Romney V5.0

Namaste Orbsonites! You may have noticed that I have been abnormally quiet these last couple of weeks. Well apparently even someone as awesome as me can get sick. I'm not sure if it was the flu or a sinus infection, either way, I have discovered a very important thing about myself. The things that I write when I have a 102 degree fever are really and truly awful. Fear not though, I am slowly recovering and was able to muster the strength to create the following bit o' satire.

On October 1, the long awaited Mitt Romney 5.0 is expected to be released to the general public. Just days before the debates, this latest version of the Presidential candidate is projected to be a dramatic improvement over Romney 4.0 which has thus far been described as both a “complete disaster” and the “Windows Vista of Presidential candidates”. The Romney 4.0 has been plagued with bugs that have had his campaign in a constant state of crisis management.

Since the release of Romney 4.0 this past spring, he has succeeded in insulting foreign leaders, denigrating half of the U.S. population, describing $250,000 a year as middle class and snubbing the poor, the elderly, Hispanics, teachers, and police and fire departments. In fact, Romney 4.0 has been such a failure, the campaign has had to implement “backtrack updates” almost daily to cover apologies and damage control. In one instance, an update was issued just minutes before Romney announced Paul Ryan as “the next President”. According to the campaign, “It could have been worse. He was set to name Bristol Palin as the Vice Presidential nominee. We barely uploaded the fix in time.” Republicans hope that the release of Romney 5.0 will end the litany of gaffes as the campaign desperately searches for a way to win the election.

The Mitt Romney 5.0 will offer voters an entirely new Mitt Romney experience. Voters can expect a return to a more centrist Mitt who will revisit his fondness for universal health care and pro-choice legislation. Romney will also be equipped with the latest in multimodal interaction technology which will better equip Romney to process new information and respond in a more intelligent manner. With the debates just days away, the campaign is hoping the new technology will allow them to compete with what they admit is a significantly smarter Barack Obama. The Mitt Romney 5.0 will also appeal to younger voters by being able to instantly access Yelp, Pandora and Google Maps upon request. As for Ann Romney, a campaign spokesperson stated, “The old version will have to do. We tried to figure out a way to add compassion to her programming but her interface recognizes it as a virus and immediately destroys the software. You see this sometimes with older conservative models.” In any event, with the debates just days away, the Romney campaign is pinning its Presidential aspirations on the Mitt Romney 5.0.






Photo by: Robert Huffstutter

GOP Celebrates New ‘PreSin’ Pregnancy Prevention Pill

Satire. Though Republicans often have a way of making me feel a little sick...

On Monday, the FDA gave final approval to the financially troubled KV Pharmaceutical for their “Afternoon-Before” pregnancy prevention pill. The pill, referred to as “PreSin” works by suppressing sexual desires prior to engaging in a sexual act. KV marketing materials state, “Are you going out tonight? Are you worried about being morally corrupted into depraved acts of sin? Then before you leave, remember to take PreSin! PreSin works by inhibiting sexual desires through a series of mildly unpleasant physical ailments including a fever, nausea, occasional vomiting, bad breath and general stomach discomfort.” According to a KV spokesperson, “PreSin has the potential to dramatically reduce unwanted pregnancies. Remember, before you sin, Presin!”

PreSin has gained wide approval from the Republican Party who says it represents a significant improvement over the controversial Morning-After pill. Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney agreed stating that PreSin is a much better option over the other “abortive” options: “Abstinence is the only completely successful way to prevent pregnancy. PreSin provides tremendous benefits to those who do not have the moral strength of character to abstain by themselves. This is a great American innovation and should be sold over-the-counter and distributed in our schools.” Romney may not be aware that the “success” of abstinence-only sexual education is a fallacy. In fact, states with abstinence-only policies have the highest rate of teen pregnancies in the nation.

KV who describes itself as a, “specialty pharmaceutical company with a focus on women’s healthcare” is expected to begin shipping PreSin to pharmacies by the end of September and the product is expected to cost approximately $750 per dose. The exorbitant cost should not come as a surprise. Earlier this year KV won exclusive rights to a drug called 17P (brand name Makena), used to prevent preterm labor. Their first act was to raise the price from $10 to $1500 per dose. For a company whose last CEO is in prison for mislabeling morphine pills, many people have begun to suspect that KV may in fact be “pure evil”. However, Mitt Romney praised KV’s pricing strategy as simply “a good business practice”. Regardless, Republicans in Congress have convinced insurance companies to fully cover PreSin without a co-pay. In Arizona however, PreSin has caused some confusion. Heather Wilson of Phoenix asks, “I don’t understand. In Arizona I am pregnant two weeks before I have sex. Am I supposed to take PreSin every day for two weeks? How will I know when to begin treatment?” Arizona Governor Jan Brewer does not foresee any issues saying, “I think young people should be taking this every day. They were all born into sin. This will help them control themselves.” Already, KV has sold over 300,000 doses of PreSin and expects to reach a million by the end of the year.

Warning: If you are planning on taking PreSin, the following side effects have been released by KV: “Possible side effects include headache, upset stomach, rectal bleeding, depression, suicidal thoughts, puritanical impulses and uncontrollable sneezing.”



Unedited Photo by: Brandon Giesbrecht