Product Launch: “Avoid the Fight, Just be White!” Racial Profiling Prevention Cream

SaTiRe-

This Orb was deemed too provocative and controversial for Free Wood Post and Facebook. That's right, Orbson is a bad boy!

Product Launch: “Avoid the Fight, Just be White!” Racial Profiling Prevention Cream

Have you ever found yourself driving a car? Do you like to wear sweatshirts with hoods? Have you been known to walk down a sidewalk at night? If you answered yes to any of these questions, AND you’re black, you may have found yourself the target of undeserved harassment, beatings, tear gas, being shot at and even being strangled. Well, you don’t need to worry any more because today we are introducing Race-No-More. This pure organic cream was made from the tears of an albino Koala Bear and it will color your problems away with a full-body White Out!  That’s right, avoid the fight, just be white!

Created in our laboratory by a team of highly trained scientists, Race-No-More is the ultimate solution to your racial profiling problems. Sure you could simply be yourself and raise your head proudly for your rich cultural heritage but let’s be realistic. Even with multiple degrees, a six figure salary and driving a Bentley you’re still going to get pulled over for suspicion of grand theft auto. A little bit of Race-No-More’s patented skin alteration cream and suddenly the guns and handcuffs turn into smiles and waves. Side benefits of Race-No-More include better success rates in job interviews and higher wages. If you only cover your face with one white cream this year, make it Race-No-More! Still not convinced? Check out these facts:

In Ferguson, Missouri 86% of stops were black, 92% of searches, 94% of arrests, police twice as likely to search blacks even though whites were more likely to have contraband.

“Black Americans were nearly four times as likely as whites to be arrested on charges of marijuana possession in 2010, even though the two groups used the drug at similar rates”

“African American and Hispanics comprised 58% of all prisoners in 2008, even though  African Americans and Hispanics make up approximately one quarter of the US population”

"African Americans serve virtually as much time in prison for a drug offense (58.7 months) as whites do for a violent offense (61.7 months)"

"One in every three black males born today can expect to go to prison at some point in their life, compared with one in every six Latino males, and one in every 17 white males"

Let’s face it, even though the Republican National Committee stated that racism is over in the U.S., people like Trayvon Martin, Dontre Hamilton, Michael Brown and Eric Garner would likely be alive today if they were white. Racism is rooted in ignorance and evil, but since we’re not close to winning the battle against either, it’s time to protect yourself. For only $19.95 you’ll receive a 10-application supply of Race-No-More and if you order today, you will get an absolutely free Race-No-More Quick Change Kit complete with Bermuda shorts, fanny pack, Hawaiian shirt and a Michael Bolton CD. Supplies are limited so order yours today!

This advertisement was brought to you by the makers of “Under 40- The Anti-Age Discrimination Skin Stretcher” and “The Portable Penis Salary Raising Kit- They can’t pay you less if you have one too!”

Orbson Rant of the Day: I was told that even liberals might have problems with this Orb. If that is the case then we have taken political correctness to an extreme in which there is no turning back. I think the Orb pretty clearly demonstrates that 1) I hate racism  2) There exists a tremendous amount of racism in our justice system and finally 3) I do not believe that people of any color should have to paint their faces so as not to be harassed. I mean seriously, if that is what you get from this Orb than it might be time to file a lawsuit against every single teacher you have ever had because baby, you be STOOOOOPID.

picture by: sunshinecity 

Sarah Palin Knocks Self Unconscious Taking Ice Bucket Challenge

SaTiRe- Earlier today, Sarah Palin knocked herself unconscious while participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge. Created by the ALS Association, the Ice Bucket Challenge has participants film themselves pouring a bucket of water and ice over their heads. According to aides, Palin was unaware that the ice bucket was supposed to contain water and instead froze the entire bucket before dumping the large block of ice directly onto her own head. Unconscious, she was rushed to the hospital where doctors confirmed that she suffered from a mild concussion but no permanent damage. According to the attending physician, “Mrs. Palin, was lucky to have a thicker than normal skull and a slightly smaller than average brain. This physical abnormality likely protected her from more severe injuries.” Palin’s representatives are using the injury to explain away a viral video of an incoherent Palin. “People assumed she was intoxicated, but that was not the case. This was the result of the accident, but Sarah is perfectly fine now and just as smart as she ever was.” The video was filmed more than a week ago, but her representatives are adamant that today’s injury caused the odd occurrence.

Many notable people have participated in the Ice Bucket Challenge including Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey and Steven Spielberg. Interestingly, of the tens of thousands of participants, no one else has attempted to dump a large block of ice on their head. For those interested in supporting the ALS Association and taking the Ice Bucket Challenge, here's how it is supposed to work. Take a video of yourself pouring a bucket of ice AND water over your head and post it on your favorite social network. When you post, challenge three friends or colleagues to do the same within 24 hours. They can opt out of being drenched by making a small donation towards ALS research. So, grab a bucket and get soaked for a great cause and remember whenever you are uncertain about something ask yourself, “What would Sarah Palin do?” and then do the opposite.


photo mashup: James Brooks and Nicola Baron 

"Oh Captain! My Captain"

Oh Captain, my Captain. When the lights illuminate the stage we see what we are made to see. The words are scripted, the direction set and the makeup applied. What we do not see underneath the celebrity façade is the turmoil eating away inside. Robin Williams made me laugh in The Birdcage, he made me cry in Dead Poet’s Society and he made me do both in Good Morning Vietnam. He was an amazing artist whose contributions to society are immeasurable. For me personally, he was the funniest man I have ever had the privilege of watching. I celebrate his life, celebrate his artistry and above all celebrate the impact he had had on me as a writer and artist. Robin, your legacy will persevere throughout the ages. Your passing shall be a reminder of the horrible impact of depression. For now, I celebrate your life. I find myself moved to stand on my desk and yell out to you, “Oh Captain! My Captain. May you find laughter and peace.”

Gallup Poll: 71% of Tea Party members believe Ebola is President Obama’s Birthplace

Tea Party members have often found themselves as punch lines. Not because so many people would like to line them up and punch them, but because there is the perception that they are not that intelligent. Providing further proof of their less than optimal I.Q., Gallup has released a new poll in which they surveyed 2,400 registered Tea Party voters. The end result was that 71% of active Tea Party members believe that Ebola is the country where President Barack Obama was born.

While our initial reaction might be to laugh, it would be wrong to mock members of the Tea Party for something they may have little control over. According to an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Goal Auzeen Saedi, conservative beliefs are directly correlated to I.Q. The lower the I.Q. the more likely the person will be conservative. Saedi points to a 2012 study that demonstrates distinct correlations between racism, homophobia and low I.Q. Essentially, “for those who lack a cognitive ability to grasp [the] complexities of our world, strict-right wing ideologies may be more appealing.”

Therefore, while our initial reaction may be to mock the dumb Tea Partier, or more specifically, the tens of thousands of dumb Tea Partiers, it may be better to show them sympathy. Instead of laughing at them, try giving them a sympathetic smile and in very small words explain to them that the President was born in Hawaii which is a part of the very same country they live in. Then explain that Ebola is an incurable virus that only attacks people who watch Fox News. Hey, we need to have a little fun!



photo by Pargon

Walmart Lowers Minimum Wage to $1 after Hobby Lobby Victory

Commencing immediately, Walmart is lowering the minimum wage of their 2.2 million employees to $1 per hour and permanently ending all health and retirement benefits. The CEO of Walmart, C. Douglas McMillon, made the announcement in a press conference just seconds after the Supreme Court of the United States handed down its controversial decision in Burwell v Hobby Lobby. The conservative court determined that for-profit corporations do not have to abide by the Affordable Care Act’s contraception coverage requirement if it is against that company’s religious beliefs. The dissent pointed out the obvious slippery slope stating that this decision would allow corporations to "opt out of any law" to which they object to on religious principles. The dissent appears to be right as Walmart has declared that they believe paying more than $1 per hour is morally corruptive and thus against their religious beliefs.

According to McMillon, “Today the Supreme Court of this wonderful United States of America has made a just and moral decision. There are many laws in this country and most are good and fair, however we must beware of those laws that seek to corrupt our beliefs. Jesus himself said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” As CEO of Walmart I cannot stand idly by and prevent our employees from entering into the kingdom of God by paying them too much money. That would be morally unsound and thus against our religious beliefs as a corporation. Therefore, from here on out we will help our employees by lowering their wage to $1 per hour and removing the devil’s tools of health and retirement benefits. You are all very welcome!”

Members of the press questioned McMillon’s decision, pointing that he and the other heads of Walmart would still be insanely wealthy and wouldn’t that be morally corrupt as well. McMillon responded, “It would be if wealth is what we desired but this decision is not about profits it is about sacrificing ourselves for the good of our employees. We will bear the burden of wealth so that they do not have to. Again, you are welcome! God bless you and God bless America!”

Since the Supreme Court’s ruling, corporations across the United States have suddenly come upon a serious crisis of faith and are examining the many ways they can rectify the situation. Ending child labor laws, abolishing unions and eliminating employee rights laws that limit work weeks to 40 hours, mandate overtime pay and dictate working conditions all suddenly have become sinful in the eyes of many of our nation’s corporations. Which brings the discussion back to contraceptives. Clearly contraception is wrong because it would prevent the birth of new children to work in the sweatshops. Today is truly a great day to be an American.

Picture by: Mike Mozart 

Republican Environmental Caucus Concedes Major Climate Issue: Rain is not God’s Tears

The preponderance of scientific evidence has finally forced the conservative environmental caucus to concede one of the most divisive climate issues facing our nation. Conservative leaders now freely admit that rain is not the result of God’s tears.

For years the scientific consensus is that rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall due to gravity. However, many conservatives have preached that this is just one possible theory and that other viable theories including “Cryation” should be taught. Cryation teaches that rain is God showering his tears, both of joy and sadness, over his people. Moderate rain is desirable and means God loves you. Heavy rain basically implies that you are drowning in your sins. God condemns liberals, thus it rains often in areas such as Seattle and Portland. A desert climate such as the Middle East, means that God has given up on you completely. Conservatives leaders now seem willing to admit that Cryationism is highly unlikely. Conservatives could easily blame liberals for the drought in California, however they had no answer as to why Arizona’s rapid conservative ideological shift did not spark an increase in rain in that arid state. Therefore they were forced to acknowledge that rain may in fact not be God’s tears but have some other cause.

This major position change brings about as many questions as it answers. Most notably, what happens when God cries? Clearly it cannot beget hurricanes since those occur when God sneezes. Tornadoes? Nope, that happens when God farts? The tears don’t cause snow since that chilly white substance is obviously God’s masturbatory ejaculations. In fact, the caucus does not make clear what form God’s tears actually take on Earth. Perhaps it is the light morning mist that lies peacefully over the valley in the morning. We may never know. Just as the religious right won’t know what beliefs their leaders are planning to abolish next. Who knows, we may wake up one day to find out that our flat Earth is more than 6,000 years old, that dinosaurs actually existed and that the Earth really does revolve around the sun. The horror.




Photo by: Thanh-Tung Nguyen

Tea Party Mistakenly Protests Arizona Thespian Center: “Thespians are against God’s will”

An innocent celebration turned chaotic Thursday as Tea Party demonstrators descended on Tucson, Arizona to protest the newly built Arizona Thespian Center. Led by Minnesota Senator Michele Bachmann, the protesters interrupted the ribbon cutting ceremony for the 1200-seat performing arts center by screaming a series of homophobic expletives, throwing objects at participants and threatening to “burn that building of sin to the ground”. Or as they would call it, doing God’s work.

The participants of the ribbon cutting ceremony seemed stunned by the attention and tried to get rid of the protestors by pointing out that thespians are just actors. This drew a hearty cheer from Bachmann who stated, “Exactly! They are just pretending to be thespians. There is something mentally wrong with them but we can help.” Bachmann and her Tea Party volunteers began handing out leaflets for Bachmann’s “Pray Away the Gay” clinic and shouted to the crowd, “For only ninety-nine easy payments of $99.99 you can be healed. You can be clean in God’s eyes!”

Tensions quickly escalated as the Tea Partiers grew louder and angrier and the Thespian Center’s attendees ignored them and began singing “Seasons of Love” from the musical Rent. Ultimately, police arrived and calmed the situation by removing the incensed Bachmann. An officer asked why she was even there in the first place as she was a Senator from Minnesota not Arizona. Taking a page from Sarah Palin she replied, “Of course I should be here, Arizona and Minnesota are practically neighbors. I’m not going to wait until this travesty reaches my front door before I act.” The officer merely shook his head and mumbled something about needing to take Bachmann to a Pray Away the Stupid facility. Unfortunately, Arizona closed their last remaining Pray Away the Stupid facility in 2011 so he’ll probably have to drive her to New Mexico.

Despite the tumultuous ribbon-cutting ceremony, the Arizona Thespian Center opened to a full house with a rousing performance of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Jesus Christ Superstar. Tickets for future events can be purchased from the ATC box office or online at www.notarealticketsitestupid.com.


photo by Fibonacci Blue

Paul Ryan: “Food Stamps are Unnecessary, Trickle-Down Nutrition Works”

Speaking before yesterday’s weekly GOP luncheon at Le Petit Diable, Congressman Paul Ryan spoke about the rampant fraud within SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) and his desire to eliminate the program permanently:

“Last week we cut $8.7 billion from the food stamp program falling well short of the $40 billion cut we requested. As a nation, we need to stop feeding the immorality and stomachs of the these inner-city leeches that use and abuse this program . Good, honest, hard-working people do not use SNAP. They understand that food stamps are unnecessary, because trickle-down nutrition works.”

This is the first time the idea of “trickle-down nutrition” has been presented and when asked about the concept, Ryan replied, “There is a lot of food that goes to waste in this country. Just last night I only finished half of my Roasted Duck with Balsamic Glaze. It was taken back to the kitchen and likely thrown away. That is waste. The wait staff and dishwashers could have eaten it. No need for food stamps and no need for a higher minimum wage. So long as the wealthy are fed well, the scraps will find their way down to the lower classes. I repeat, trickle-down nutrition works!”

Ryan may be right about the inefficacy of the food stamp program. Even though it has been proven that incidents of food stamp fraud are actually lower than other large government programs, it still exists. Now it could be argued that “76% of SNAP households included a child, an elderly person, or a disabled person” and yes those households make up 83% of all SNAP distributed benefits. I’ll even concede that the average gross income of recipients is only $14,648 for a family of three.  What these numbers fail to tell you however is that many of the recipients are simply lazy and can’t be bothered to check the dumpster of the local restaurants for perfectly good food. In fact, there’s no wonder that SNAP breeds fraud. With massive benefits of $1.50 per person per meal you have to ask yourself, does any child really need that much money for food? Sure, the average SNAP family runs out of funds the third week of each month, but that is just because they’re buying luxury foods like milk, vegetables and fruit. If they stuck with Ramen noodles and soda pop they wouldn’t have a problem.

Just like trickle-down economics has created unprecedented wealth and opportunity for the middle class, trickle-down nutrition can feed our nation’s hungry.  Or as Paul Ryan expressed, “If it’s good enough for my dog, it’s good enough for my constituency.”  As for the future of SNAP, if only one person is found abusing the program, clearly the entire thing should be scrapped. Of course by that logic, we may need to take a hard look at Congress next.


The Finale: Can't write about the season finale of How I Met Your Mother without spoilers so instead I will just say "Legen-", "What?!", "Awwwww", "hmmmmm", "Wait for it", "What the Flying F*$%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", "dary!" Mondays will not be nearly as funny without this great show.

President Obama Forgets How to Spell ‘Respect’ After Five Long Years of Never Being Given Any

Sadly, President Obama just can’t get any ‘rspect’. After a particularly yummy Taco Tuesday, Thursday the White House decided to host the Women of Soul. Attended by a myriad of outstanding female musicians including Aretha Franklin, Melissa Etheridge, Patti Labelle and others, the event was held to honor the musical contributions of this country’s female artists. Also in attendance was President Obama who addressed the gathering:

"When Aretha first told us what R-S-P-E-C-T meant to her, she had no idea it would become a rallying cry for African Americans, and women, and then everyone who felt marginalized because of what they looked like or who they loved"

The President’s spelling faux pas received chuckles from the audience while reports of the mistake quickly hit the news sites. The networks covered it as thoroughly as the Ukraine crisis though not nearly as in depth as anything Justin Bieber is currently doing. Fox News took digs at the President comparing him to former Vice President Dan Quale and the infamous potato/potatoe gaffe. Even Sarah Palin joined in the mocking of the President saying, “Even I know it is spelled ‘r-s-p-a-c-t’.”

According to Dr. Felix Baumgardner from the Heidelberg Institute of Presidential Psychology, President Obama is likely not to blame for the error: “There is substantial evidence demonstrating that powerful words such as ‘respect’ can be slowly erased from a person’s mind when they do not experience it in their lives. Essentially, they will stop recognizing it as a word.”

Dr. Baumgardner may be right. Since assuming office in January of 2009, President Obama has been shown an infinitesimal amount of respect. He can’t even address the nation without a member of Congress yelling “you lie”. In fact, many Republicans have proclaimed that no matter what policy President Obama puts forth, no matter how good it would be for the country, they would never support it. Clearly, the Rodney Dangerfield of U.S. Presidents had a good reason to forget the ‘e’. Just as Republicans have forgotten that we live in the ‘United’ States of America.