Munching on Mr. Ed and Other Signs of the Apocalypse

Over the past few weeks my inner Orbson has been a broken menagerie of thoughts, ideas and general pessimism about the state of everything. I have researched and prepped multiple entries for the Oracle but have been unable to adequately and eloquently express just how fracked up (yes my fellow geeks, I just made a Battlestar reference) our world has become. Yes, the unicorn’s horn has been broken (If you understand this reference you are my hero). Then today I realized that I have been muzzling my voice. I think I have been concerned too much with audience and not enough with truth. That is what the Oracle is supposed to be - provocative, racy, undeniably bold and most of all truthful. What I write may not always be right, but it should always be a reflection of my mind on that day. I will try to remember this moving forward. Sometimes walls can begin to rebuild and occasionally it is prudent to take a sledgehammer to them. Therefore, with the walls removed, I shall take you on a brief glimpse into a few of my thoughts over this pass week.

I’ll Have a Double Mr Ed with Cheese:

As this country collapses around us, Congress has decided that now is a great time to end the ban on the consumption of horses. Slaughterhouses are expected to be built and operational within a month (frackin’ blood-sucking leeches). The cost to the federal government? $3-5 million dollars (for inspectors). How is it paid for? Nobody knows. You see the economy is bad, so the rich people have to decide whether to sell their yacht or keep their horses. You guessed it. The Human Society has been seeing a lot of abandoned horses on their front step lately. That’s right, the poor horses that have “outlived their usefulness” will now be the ingredients in your next cheeseburger. Though if we use “usefulness” to identify new food sources than we can probably be expecting a rush order on Limbaugh sandwiches any day now. Regardless how you feel about consuming horses (or idiots), the meat industry in this country does horrific things to animals. Find out where your meat comes from. Look for organic grass-fed beef. Unless you are a vegetarian (if so, please teach me how) you want free roaming healthy animals that have been fed the right foods and not injected with a ton of drugs. Respect the animal. Demand change.

No God, No Turkey Mr. President:

President Obama’s Thanksgiving address did not include the word “God”. Of course there has been a rather large outcry from many in the media reproving the President for this serious lapse. Seriously Mr. Prez, how can you not thank God for allowing the genocide of a race of indigenous people so that we can have IPADs today? Look Bible-thumpers, this is a free frackin’ country not a free Christian country. God has no place in government. Get it off of our money, get it out of our public schools and get it off of our politician’s mouths. In God we trust? Well, I DO NOT trust your God! I trust in morality. I trust in right and wrong. Until you treat everyone equally, until you take care of those less fortunate, until you get your heads out of your asses and start thinking of people other than yourself, then your God can kiss my frackin’ ass (I did warn you I took a sledgehammer to those walls. At this point you can only blame yourself).

Not So Super Congress:

Speaking of Congress, guess what?! Super Congress failed to come up with any semblance of a plan to balance the budget and create a fair tax system. Don’t worry though, after some tense moments they’ll pass another 6-month plan along with the creation of the new Super-Duper Congress which will do what the Super Congress could not. I mean seriously, how could this possibly fail? It includes the word “Duper”! Look Congress, we’re not stupid. This is political grandstanding. You’re waiting until after the next election and hoping your guy will be in office so you can put through your plan and Obama can’t take credit. In the meantime, this country is starting to make Mexico look like a viable alternative. Republicans, I have a secret for you. In 2012 you are going to LOSE!!! I wouldn’t elect any of your candidates to the position of President of Wiping My Ass and the majority of this country feels the same way. So forget the election and try to get something accomplished today.

Ndamakong Suh and Stompgate:

Sometimes being a Detroit Lions fan makes me want to run naked through a field of thorns while pouring lemon juice all over my body. Last Thursday, Lions defensive tackle Ndamakong Suh stomped on Green Bay offensive lineman Evan Dietrich Smith. No, not a good stomp; an after the whistle I would like to put my boot through your pelvis stomp. The result? A two game suspension. Add in a rash of injuries and the 2nd hardest remaining schedule in the NFL and my Lions are probably done. After 600 years they were finally going to make the playoffs and now I’ll be stuck watching another Packers-Patriots Super Bowl.

Oracle Update:

So I allowed Free Wood Post to publish one of my earlier works (the Grand Canyon theme park entry) and in 48-hours it was viewed over 500 times and shared numerous times across Facebook. That makes me so happy I could stomp on a Packer. Of course then I read the comments people made on the article’s Facebook post. The vast majority of them said things like “Really?!!!” and “No Way!!!!” Now remember, this was an article about a Christian group called Jesus Loves Corporations that successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement to create the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park an Gun Range”. Most of the commenters thought it was a real story. I weep for humanity.

Orbson's Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

I have been watching a lot of zombie television lately- The Walking Dead, Night of the Living Dead and of course the Republican debates. The Walking Dead is a ridiculously good show but I can’t help but think the characters are lacking in some basic common sense zombie survival skills. Since Orbson Rice is the King of Common Sense it only makes sense to share with you my sure-fired ways to survive a zombie attack.

1. Rambo Up: The majority of the people are now mindless zombies. You may not have noticed the change if you live in suburbia but trust me, now is NOT the time for non-violence. If you’re a liberal like me, this will be difficult. However, it is time to Rambo up. The characters on The Walking Dead constantly walk past abandoned military posts with M-90 machine guns just sitting there. Take them, attach them to your Prius and create your own path to safety. Also, it is time to reward your inner geek and find yourself a sword. With no sound and no ammo, they can slice and dice zombies without drawing attention. Want to take them out from a distance? Get a crossbow.

2. Do NOT go INTO the big city: Look, if everyone has turned into a zombie you don’t want to walk into zombiepalooza. Stick to small towns. Better yet, find a big boat and live on the water. You can fish for food and make occasional runs to small towns for supplies. Hey, maybe you can even find a nice tropical island to retire to. Just make sure you bring someone hot to help propagate the species. If you must go into the big city, don’t act all surprised when you suddenly find yourself being chased by a couple of million zombies.

3. Play Marco Polo: Zombies don’t hide, they just keep attacking. When exploring a building, don’t creep from room to room waiting for the zombie to jump out at you. Stand at the front door and yell “Hey zombie come on out and eat me”. Then wait until it comes out and kill it. You may be tempted to mock slow moving zombies. Do not do this, there is almost always another one nearby.

4. Stop flaunting your hotness: Zombies can infect you by biting or scratching. Unlike TV where it is better to flaunt your sexy body, in a real zombie attack it is prudent to cover up. I am not talking about 15th century armor, though that would be effective. Consider looting some Kevlar body armor. That way you are not turned into the undead by some random scratch on your arm.

5. The Paris Hilton Defense: If you’re like me, carrying a Chihuahua in a purse is one of the more stupid things you could do. However, if you’re running away from a horde of zombies, the Paris Hilton Defense could save your life. Are they gaining on you? Need to slow them down? Then chuck your Chihuahua grenade into the horde of zombies and run while little Pepé distracts the undead with his salty flesh.

6. Getting Bit: If you get bit, don’t wait around until you change and hurt one of your traveling companions. You’re done, go out with a bang. Find a bottle of Dom, set your IPOD to Muse’s “Uprising”, grand a couple grenades or some C4 and stroll into one of those big cities. Get into the middle of a big group of the monsters, take a swig and say whatever lame catch phrase comes to mind. I have always been fond of “yippee kay aye mother fuckers!”

If you follow these basic guidelines your chance of survival will increase dramatically. However, in the case of a true zombie apocalypse that may not be a good thing.


Random Thoughts: Why are there so many freakin versions of movies these days? I went online to order the most recent Harry Potter and there were a ton of options: DVD, Blu Ray, DVD+Blu Ray, DVD+Blu Ray+UltraViolet, 3D. Finally I had enough and just ordered the Super Special Ultimate Unlimited Edition. This includes all of the above formats plus former famous child actors will come to your house to act out the movie in mime. Next Saturday I will be enjoying Harry Potter Brady Bunch style!

Occupy NPR

Just to warn you, today I am going to attack NPR. For any conservatives out there, attacking NPR is the liberal version of bashing the Bible. I am sure to get some hate mail for this one. Luckily, liberal hate mail reads like a Hallmark greeting card and is usually signed by the words “with love” so I am not too worried. Last week, NPR “fired” “Soundprint” and “World of Opera” host Lisa Simeone. The reason she was dumped from the NPR lineup? Lisa Simeone had the audacity to exercise her constitutional rights and organize Occupy Washington (an offshoot of Occupy Wall Street) protests in D.C. That’s right NPR fired someone for expressing their political views in their private lives. Congratulations NPR, you have made my Assholes of the Week List.

The good news for Simeone is that World of Opera is actually produced by WDAV, a North Carolina radio station who refuses to let her go. So World of Opera will continue, though the program will not be distributed by NPR. NPR spokesperson, Dana Davis Rehm stated, "Our view is it's a potential conflict of interest for any journalist or any individual who plays a public role on behalf of NPR to take an active part in a political movement or advocacy campaign.” Which Simeone amusingly replied, “What is NPR afraid I'll do — insert a seditious comment into a synopsis of Madame Butterfly?”

Look, I have often spoken out about the lack of quality journalism in this country. Corruption is rampant, the country is deeply divided and a handful of corporations run the vast majority of the major media. When people get their news from places like Fox News, clearly they are not getting unbiased journalistic reporting. So I commend NPR on wanting their reporters to be as unbiased as possible. The problem here is that Simeone, a freelance host, was protesting on her own time. Under NPR’s rules does this mean that their employees are not allowed to vote? Not allowed to click “like” on a political figure on their Facebook page? Not allowed to exercise their constitutional rights to protest when they see problems in this country? Being an unbiased journalist has to be extremely difficult, because they will eventually form opinions on the news they cover. However, Simeone covers opera, not politics. Simeone protested in her free time and not on her show. I love NPR, but they are wrong.

Hopefully this attention will bring added publicity for Simeone and World of Opera. For NPR, I hope they soon realize the magnitude of the mistake they made. When a corporation or government takes away your ability to voice your opinion, you only a few short steps away from a dictatorship.


Orbson Feeling Tweety: NPR sent me a letter saying that I am no longer allowed to listen to their station because I attended an Occupy NPR Rally.

A Bit of TV: I may keep writing this in every blog. The Walking Dead is a freaking phenomenal show. I even got Mrs. Orbson to give it a try and now she loves it. For you Netflix freaks you can even stream it in HD! Watch it!

Stern Reprimands: The NBA needs to stop canceling games in 2-week increments. Seriously, they are like the parents in the car yelling at their kids, “I will turn this car around if you don’t stop fighting! I will, see I’m slowing down.” Look NBA and parents, unless you actually turn the car around and go home the kids will never believe you. So cancel half of the season. You can always change your mind later. Stop this, “If we don’t agree by Thursday, we’re going to cancel another week” crap.

Conservative Group Accidentally Helps the Arts

Ultra-Conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC), made waves on Monday when they unknowingly aided the Arts. The JLC is a non-profit organization dedicated to obtaining properties deemed as “historic” or “environmentally significant” for major corporations to exploit. Rick Perry, the JLC founder, has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling. This past July, the JLC successfully petitioned the U.S. government to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement and build the first ever “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range”. However, it was the JLC’s actions in Royal Oak, Michigan that has many of its loyal followers questioning the true motivations of the organization.

The JLC arrived in Michigan last week in an effort to turn the Detroit Zoo into the nation’s first Christian-themed indoor entertainment complex. The complex would come complete with an All Christian IMAX Theater, Revelations Arcade, Last Supper Diner, and the indoor Crucifixion Carnival with its soon to be famous Bible Thumper Bumper Cars. Unfortunately for the JLC, their plan to force the Zoo’s closure hit an embarrassing snag.

On Wednesday evening, the Detroit Zoo’s administration was scheduled to appear before the City Council to ask for increased funding. The JLC arrived at the meeting, planning to offer the City Council and the Zoo $10 million dollars to deny the Zoo’s petition, immediately sell the land to the JLC and dispose of the “useless animals”. This strategy has worked numerous times in the JLC’s history and they didn’t believe they would run into any trouble. Thus they sent a new employee to finalize the deal.

When Jebediah Strokoff walked into the City Council meeting for the JLC, little did he know that the Zoo’s appearance date had been changed. Instead of the Zoo’s petition, they were considering a petition by a small non-profit art organization called Art for Kids. When Jebediah arrived, the organization’s founders, Peter and Elizabeth Goodheart, were petitioning the City Council for a grant of $5,000 to help fix up the decrepit building they were using to host classes and events. They even brought some of the children in to display their paintings and sculptures which unfortunately for Jebediah and the JLC were all created during their last Animal Appreciation lesson.

Jebediah, mistaking the Goodheart’s for representatives of the Zoo immediately stood up and requested that the City Council deny their petition. He offered the City and the Goodheart’s (who actually owned the property) $10 million dollars. Stunned, the Goodheart’s tried to explain that the property was not worth that much. “We told him it was just a 4-room office building, but he kept looking up to the sky and saying ‘Jesus wills it thus’. Jebediah, who had never been interested in “book learnin”, simply did what his bosses at the JLC requested. The Goodheart’s immediately contacted their attorney and within an hour, the sale was complete and legal. Art for Kids now had all of the money they would ever need.

The next day, the JLC realized their mistake and tried to back out of the deal, but it was too late. The unintentional good deed had been done. At a political fundraiser in Massachusetts last night, a JLC spokesperson stated, “I was deeply saddened by the news in Royal Oak, Michigan. We do not support the Arts. I repeat the JLC does not support the Arts. This was an honest mistake and one that we will correct.”

However, it may be too late to save the JLC’s image. A former member spoke with us about the falling standards of the JLC, “They had the chance to close Yellowstone and they didn’t. They have a chance to close a deal on the Everglades but are dragging their feet. This is not the organization our forefathers had in mind when they formed this country. Yesterday, they helped poor the Arts. What did they get in return? Next to nothing. You don’t help people for nothing. That’s called socialism.” Can the JLC survive this scandal? I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Rank Banks

With Occupy Wall Street protests gathering momentum throughout the world, I find myself finding yet another example of the growing disparity of wealth in this country. Here is a brief timeline of some of my recent personal banking events:

1. Washington Mutual (my bank) collapses.
2. JP Morgan Chase takes over.
3. After six years, I run out of blank checks.
4. I now have to pay $18.99 for simple blank checks that used to be free.
5. Decided that I am annoyed by this new fee for paper.
6. Decided to move my banking to Fidelity Investments, but keep Chase account open to deposit any checks I might receive.
7. Talk to Chase Customer Service about making this happen.

Get this: Unless I have a sizeable direct deposit, I must maintain $1500 in the checking account in order to avoid monthly fees. $1500?! It takes my Target-employed mother more than six weeks to make $1500. Most of that goes to health insurance and other bills. There is no way she would be able to get a fee-free checking account. I recently asked her why she no longer had a bank account. Her answer? It’s too expensive. Now I see that she was right. Many banks are raising their fees. Who has to bear the burden? The poor of course.

Now I’m sure there may be people who’ll say that banks are providing their customers a service and that fees help to pay for that service. Capitalism at its finest. Normally, I would agree. This time, I do not. The bank is not simply holding your money for you. They are not a storage unit that remains locked until the owner comes by with the key. No, your money is being invested. Whether through loans or the market itself, your money is being given out and then returned with interest. For most customers, their savings or checking accounts collect little or no interest. Thus, the banks keep the profits on their investments. I don’t have a problem with that. Surprised? Don’t be. If you have a lot of money in a savings or checking account it’s your fault that you’re not investing it yourself. If the banks can profit on you, they should. Your money is being loaned out to people who want to buy a car, a house or start a small business. These are good things (unless the banks are stupid about who they loan to). What’s not good is when the poorest members of society are unable to even consider getting a bank account because of the banks’ insatiable greed.

The right-wing believes that liberals are engaging in class warfare because we want the wealthy individuals and corporations to pay a fair percentage of taxes on their income. They believe it because we demand that corporations spend money to make their businesses environmentally safe. They believe it because we express anger at union-busting legislation. They believe it because we don’t like to see a handful of companies controlling entire industries. They believe it because we are finally beginning to take to the streets in protest of Wall Street’s blatantly evil greed. Well guess what conservatives; the classes have been at war for over a decade. The poor and those who support them have just never fought back before. That is until now. Wall Street has gone too far. Corporations have gotten away with too much. Elected officials of the United States of America: If you’re in their pockets, next election cycle, we’re coming for you next. Conservatives, you cry class warfare, you have not seen anything yet.


Yo’ Asshole Did What? School administrators banned the cheerleaders of Gilbert High School in Gilbert, Arizona from wearing “inappropriate” shirts to school events. Well, they must have been really bad right? What, they were supposed to help raise money and awareness for Cancer research? What, they only said “Feel for lumps. Save your bumps.”? Congratulations school administrators, you are Orbson’s Assholes of the Day. Don’t worry, I didn’t get you t-shirts to commemorate your title.

Orbson Rises Again + Juicy Squirts

Greetings and salutations Orbsonites. This weary traveler has finally made his way home and is anxious and eager to regale you with my many rants and ramblings. I have spent a great deal of time this week reviewing the news I missed and researching future Orbson Oracle entries. Next week you’ll be reading my take on everything from bank fees to skydiving sexcapades (I am SOOOO in favor of this). The Orbson Oracle is 50 entries old and is gaining more interest than I could have predicted this soon. As I prepare for the next 50 entries, I thought I would share a few random Juicy Squirts:


Occupy Wall Street: Finally, people are beginning to take to the streets in protest. What do they want? Who cares, at least they are not conservative teabaggers…. Okay, my excitement is over. Now you need to actually demand something concrete. Better yet, start spending that energy putting the right people into office. I appreciate the noise but it’s time to get behind a plan.

Obama’s Job Plan: A reputable poll shows that the vast majority of Americans like this plan. So what does the Senate do? They vote NO. Look, you can call this plan a stimulus if you would like, I don’t care. I just listen to non-partisan economists who agree that this plan is needed. This vote just proves that the people in office don’t care about the people they represent. It is time for a publicly funded election process. More on this idea soon.

iPhone 4S: Just call the thing iPhone5. Not enough new features? Then wait until you can create something better. Either way, I am getting tired of the numbered versions; I think it is time to get creative “iPhone-F.U.Android”.

Fall TV: I am loving both 2 Broke Girls and of course The Big Bang Theory. It is nice to see that over the top sex jokes are making their way onto primetime.

Work of Art Next Great Artist: This Bravo show is probably my favorite right now. This is also a great inspiration for my “Literary Art”. If you have not seen the show, check it out. This week’s theme had the artists taking “tacky” art and elevating it to “fine art”. My take? I would have taken the “tacky” painting and hung it up as is. However, I would have created (if I had any talent) an intricately carved frame that brought out some of the character of the piece. In addition, I would have carved phrases such as “All art is beautiful to someone” “You call this tacky, I call you a pompous prick.” Essentially, it would be a big “FU” to the judges who came up with the challenge. Still, the frame would have been bitchin’.

Detroit Lions 5-0: My Lions are 5-0. I am seriously concerned that something is wrong in the universe. However, since I prefer my universe to be a little off anyway, I’ll just sit back and enjoy. Go Lions!

Ghostbusters: Ghostbusters is back in the theaters. Great movie but come on, where is the new material. If Hollywood were a woman, she would need some serious lubricant because creatively, she is all dried up.

Mich-again?

I click, I wait, I wait some more, I grab a sandwich, I wait, I watch Sportcenter, hey my webpage has finally loaded. Welcome to my grandmother's computer. Needless to say, I did not have the requisite eighteen months to compose new and exciting entries for you. I am very much looking forward to Tuesday when I can cram myself into the smallest airline seat Delta can find and immerse myself in the intoxicating aroma of eight gallons of perfume from the woman sitting next to me. Soon I will be home. In the meantime, I am writing from my hometown, the not to great state of Michigan.

Michigan is like that beautiful cheerleader from high school. She was once the "pink of perfection" but has since become the chain-smoking mother of eight who thinks dining at Denny's is the fancy night out. Unfortunately, a lot of my family and friends still live there, hence my yearly trip into the pothole infested Mecca. Still, there are a few good things about my home state. Who knows how long they will last, but for now I am grateful for the Lions, Tigers, Redwings and the Detroit Institute of the Arts. I actually visited the D.I.A. yesterday and was pleasantly surprised just how good of a museum is was. Driving up to it I thought I was in a post-apocalyptic movie made up of abandoned buildings, homeless people and very bad drivers. However, upon entering the D.I.A. I entered into a much more decadent world. The two settings were indicative of a Republican rule. Massive poverty for almost everyone and tiny little packets of ridiculously wealthy. Of course, I do not suggest that Republicans would ever care about art.

As I approach my final days in the Polluted Lakes State, one of my primary political arguments has been reinforced. Whenever an area depends completely on one company or industry in order to thrive, invariably that area is going to go to shit. Michigan has always been the automotive state, but guess what, there is no Big Three anymore. I guess all of those tax breaks and loopholes didn't help. Not to worry though, Michigan's Governor has a great new plan to revitalize struggling cities- he is privatizing local governments. A local ad sums up the plan quite nicely:

"Do you hate having to vote for your elected officials? Does it take time from some of your favorite TV shows? Well, we have good news for you! You can stay on the couch and click away as the Lockwood Energy and Efficiency Coalition of Howell or LEECH takes over the day to day operations of running your city. Our forefathers thought you should be able to vote but more importantly they wanted you to pursue happiness. How can you do that when you have to research candidates, policies and monitor political activities? Forget that nonsense. Now it's time to sit back, relax and let LEECH take this burden off of your shoulders. And don't worry, we're a corporation so you know we always have your best interests in mind."


Orbsonland Ride of the Day: Disney sticks you in a bucket and swirls you around a room full of animatronic evil children in "It's A Small World". Now it's my turn. This 12 minute ride is called "Lysten"(the 'y' makes it cool) and it will take you along in a much more comfortable bucket as it demonstrates the history of music from Gregorian Chant to Tao Cruz. This is not just any ride though, the music is pumped in at concert level with HD surround sound and an interactive HD light and laser display. While enjoying the tunes you will also be able to control a laser pistol used to shoot images of Brittany Spears as she pops us throughout the journey. You'll earn points for successful hits and the winner will receive a commemorative "Baby One More Time" musical pin.

Orbson's Quick Note: I hit a thousand visits to this site! Thanks for sticking with it. I promise I will never leave the computer with Mrs. Orbson again!

The Orbsonland Theme Park

...even now when I see a giant mouse walking towards me, my first instinct is too huddle in a corner shaking and crying. Yes Orbsonites, yours truly has survived his venture into that "magical" wonderland called Disney World: Four parks, six days, 300-degree heat, 12-hour days and frightening parents who wield baby strollers like weapons. Looking back, I cannot say that I am unchanged. I have peered into the abyss and the abyss peered back at me with large cartoon eyes all the time whispering "It's a small world after all...." One of the benefits of my incarceration, oops, I mean vacation, is that I was able to think about the theme park I would create were I able to pull wads of money out of my rump. I don't want to give away too much just yet, but rest assured you will soon be reading about the greatest theme park the world has never known: Orbsonland, the first Adult Theme Park!

I know, I know, you can't wait to hear what kind of theme park could possibly come out of the mind that brought you Punch A Smoker Day and the greatest religion ever, Orbsonism. Okay, you win, I will give you a brief glimpse into Orbsonland. Picture the craziest roller coaster ever (I'm talking 1/2 mile drops, loops, whipped cream, etc.), combined with music by Green Day, jello shooters and porn star Katie Morgan. Yeah, and that's just one ride. My Orbson theme park will include attractions in sports, theater, art, literature and movies. This will be a destination that will make Las Vegas look like a place retirees go to spend their social security checks. This is a place that doesn't close, it never sleeps and when you finally have to go back to your boring lives, your souvenir pin will actually slap you on the face whenever you need to get you Orbson on.

So, keep an eye out Orbsonites. I may still be travelling, but nothing can stop this brain from racing right off the edge of sanity.


Orbson Oracle Update: We're approaching 1,000 page views views which is pretty good considering I am on hiatus. I have also been contacted by other publications who are interested in publishing some of my entries. Things are starting to hit cruise control!

Streaming Down the Toilet: Now Netflix is morphing into two entities- Netflix and Qwikster. One service will only be streaming content while the other will do what? Offer chocolate milk by mail? Come on Reed, you could do better than Qwikster. How about "Touch My Disk" or "We're Screwedster".

Orbson Roars: The Detroit Lions are now 2-0 after beating the Kansas City Chiefs 48-3. I know this is probably one of the signs of the Apocalypse but I can't help getting excited. Usually by this point in the season, I'm already thinking about next year's draft.

Poe Et Ree

Being obsessed with all things literary it only make sense that I would dabble in poetry. Of course as my disciples now realize, I tend to be a little wordy. Limiting myself to just a few words has never worked that well for me. However, it is very late, I am very tired and am feeling the need in my sleepless haze to share some very brief excerpts from my poor attempts at the art form. Plus, I am having Blog withdrawal. So, suffer along with me:

Prisms and Prisons

Inhibiting glass,
Thick yet thin,
Surrounds in its suffocating embrace
Dare not to touch as it
Strengthens with each still second.
To push upon could break
With raining shards
And crimson raindrops. Remaining
Forever disfigured in a soul of ice
Remembering future’s distant past
And then to restlessness once more
Knowing of the morrows cry
Of dreams not tried.


Night

Obsessed with the world of the night
Where I find more truth than the blinding rays of the sun.
I feel closer to the night.
To darkness.
To beautiful chaos.


Orbson Suggests: If you ever get the chance, check out Def Poetry Jam. Probably easiest to find it on You Tube (also owned by Google by the way). Awesome stuff!


Notes from Disney: After about 10 hours in the heat, the Disney characters start looking a lot more ominous. Yeah, sure Goofy, I'll take a picture with you, just keep your hands where I can see them.

A Very Brief Disney Diatribe

Well Orbsonites, it's 1:00AM in Orlando, Florida and I am thoroughly exhausted from a long day at Hollywood Studios. What is Hollywood Studios you ask? Well it used to be MGM Studios before MGM went under, Basically, Hollywood Studios is the fourth theme park at Disney World. When I say fourth, I really mean fourth. This place was like that cousin you invite to family functions, the whole time praying he doesn't show up. There were one or two highlights. The Extreme Stunt Show and Fantasmic (yes they really named it that)were both really fun, but the rest of the park made me wonder if the Disney family also has a weird cousin. One day the rest of their family was probably like "Here, take this park, it's all yours. Have fun." Needless to say, Universal Studios is infinitely better. Of course, Universal doesn't have the scantily clad Ariel singing and flopping around wearing nothing but a coconut bra. That was one show that was definitely worthy of a very special Orbson Rice "standing ovation."

I'll try to right more as the week progresses since I know how important my words are to each of you. Stay strong, fight the Stupid and I'll be back full time before you know it.

Orbson's Next Adventure

The Orbson Oracle will be taking a short hiatus as Orbson heads off on yet another adventure. Don’t worry, as I am spreading the word of Orbson to others, I’ll still be posting blog entries. I may just limit them to two or three per week for the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, don’t forget to keep an eye on my Twitter (ooh that sounds dirty) where I will certainly be more active than usual. In the meantime, here are a few morsels to tide you over until next time:

Obama’s Speech: Great speech Mr. President! You listened to my advice and put every single one of my ideas in your Jobs Program. It would have been nice if you’d acknowledged where you got your ideas, but hey, at least you were listening. Now stick to your principles and don’t give in to the simple-minded Congressional conservatives.

Ben and Jerry’s new flavor is “Schweddy Balls” Ice Cream: No I did not make this up. I have no idea what kind of flavor profile this will have and frankly I don’t want to know.

Google bought Zagat and are in the bidding for Hulu: Seriously Google, are you trying to buy everything? Why don’t you buy T Mobile and actually making it a good cell phone service? How about buying an airline and making decent, comfortable airplanes? Hey, purchase Hooters, combine it with the airline and make the best flying experience ever!

Yo Asshole Said What? Rick Perry was asked whether he ever had concerns that someone was put to death that was later proven innocent. His answer “No, sir. I’ve never struggled with that all.” Not surprising that someone who does not believe in science would look at DNA evidence as another liberal myth. Still Mr. Perry, doesn’t your Bible say something like “Thou Shall Not Kill”?

Dear Republicans,

Orbson Matriculating with Himself

September is college essay time. I just finished helping my little Orbson bro finalize his college essay and we started discussing how Orbson Rice might write one for himself. So I thought, let’s find out:

Topic: What would you bring to the University of Sarcastic Salutations?

I am Orbson Rice. I could bore you with my nearly perfect 1.7 grade point average or impress you with the many dollars I have donated in order to help young women pay for college. However, neither of those accomplishments will truly help me succeed at your school. Instead, I wish to regale you with my genius in the art of business management. At the age of 11-years-old, as other children were wasting their youth on frivolous activities, I set up a city-wide chain of lemonade stands. I named them, “Orbson Rice’s Awesome Lemonade”.

My plan was simple. I convinced twelve nine-year-olds to buy a franchise permit for $5 each. I then gave them a one page instruction manual on how to set up a table, make lemonade and sell to people as they walked by. Each cup was sold for $1 and I promised that they would be able to keep a full 10% of any profits. Of course, they had to purchase their ingredients from me, which had a small markup for my efforts. Now I didn’t pick twelve random children. I held auditions to find the cutest kids to peddle the drinks. People won’t say no to a cute kid who says “Please sir, my family is starving and this is the only way I can help.” Auditions are exhausting work so I felt perfectly entitled to the nominal $5 per kid audition fee.

Before long, I had a dozen lemonade stands set up through the city and the money was pouring in. I even assisted many of the children who could not do the math to calculate their 10%. Of course, I needed to charge an accounting fee, but that is only reasonable. One day, I was berating a young employee who I caught slacking on the job when a potential customer walked by muttering something about needing something stronger to drink. The light bulb went off and I went to work. Luckily, most parents don’t lock the liquor cabinet so it was easy to begin spiking the lemonade. I now had a new $5 product that I called “Orbson Rice's Great & Yummy”. In only one summer, I was able to pull in over $12,000 from my lemonade stands.

So what would I bring to the University of Sarcastic Salutations? Well, since the age of eleven, I have come a long way in the business world. The college environment has a plethora of unmet needs and Orbson Rice is the student to meet them. My self-taught knowledge in botany, chemistry and sports statistics should be particularly useful in my planned business ventures. If this essay isn’t enough to convince you, then I should probably confess something. I know who is on the Admissions Committee and was really surprised by some of the dirt I was able to dig up on you guys. A couple of you are really into some weird stuff. Well regardless, that information will probably never hit the public so you really shouldn’t worry too much.

Manufacturing Homeless

Yesterday, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder signed a 4-year lifetime limit on cash welfare benefits for Michigan residents. According to Michigan’s Department of Human Services, on October 1 over 29,000 children will be affected by the new regulation. On a side note, Michigan’s unemployment currently stands at 10.9% which is the third worse in the nation. Of course this number does not take into account people who have exhausted unemployment benefits or those who are underemployed. Trust me when I say, the situation in Michigan is much worse.

I am not going to talk about the stereotypes that conservatives give to people on welfare. I would rather discuss solutions. There is no easy solution to the welfare issue. What I will say is that simply throwing money at a problem rarely makes it go away. There are two ways to make certain that the cost of welfare is as low as possible. First, there needs to be jobs to apply for. You don’t cut off the oxygen until a person can breathe by themselves. Secondly, you need to train people to do the jobs. Not just random training, but specific useful training in areas of need. Until these two standards are met, Governor Snyder has no business limiting lifetime limits on welfare benefits.

I have written countless times to members of Congress about potential job creating ideas. Unfortunately, conservatives believe that the federal and state governments should not be spending money to stimulate the economy. Instead, they just keep providing tax breaks to businesses that simply hoard their profits. If you want more jobs let’s start with the following: Create mass transit systems in every city (linked to suburbs) with a population over 500,000 people. Create high speed trains to allow people to affordably travel between major cities. Expand the Department of Education in order to repair schools, hire a lot more teachers (to reduce class size), pay teachers more money and provide an equal and high level of education to every child in this country.

As for the concerns about those who actually are on a “free ride”, there is a simple answer. Require a certain amount of volunteer hours in order to get aid. The volunteers could beautify neighborhoods, assist local homeless shelters or help out in schools. In addition to the benefits reaped by the community, the welfare recipient will feel good about their contributions and may even make new connections that could lead to permanent work.

Yes, I do believe that welfare recipients should be monitored to ensure that they are not taking advantage of the system. You might even be surprised to hear that I don’t mind mandatory drug testing for welfare recipients. However, let’s stop focusing on the victims as the problem and let’s start trying to fix the real issues facing this country. I would like to end this entry with a final thought. A large amount of the items we purchase were made in China (hell, I just found out that the mushrooms I buy were made in China). Isn’t it time to discuss the problem that companies in the U.S. simply cannot compete with the prices offered by companies who manufacture products overseas. Shouldn’t we be looking to level the playing field?


Orbson Going Postal: The U.S. Postal Service is about to go bankrupt. Still delivering 6 days a week? Yeah, really smart people we have in government.

Orbson’s Not Tripping: Scientists say that dolphin’s “talk like humans”. Thank Orbson! I was beginning to think someone had dropped some Ecstasy in my Absinthe during my last visit to Seaworld. Now I know the dolphins really were talking to me!

Orbson at the Oscar’s: Eddie Murphy is hosting the next Academy Awards. I was really hoping for Neil Patrick Harris. Still, it should be fun listening to Eddie say “*bleep* *bleepity* *bleep* Kate Winslet, *bleepity* bleepity* bleep* *bleep*”

Predicting the Lions

There are few experiences more traumatic and disappointing than being a Detroit Lions fan. I have experienced the basest of embarrassments with a 0-16 season and the heights of mediocrity with a 9-7 season. During all of that time I have only witnessed one playoff victory. The year was 1991. The Lions went 12-4 before blowing out those hated Dallas Cowboys in the playoffs. Unfortunately, it was followed by a humiliating 41-10 defeat to the Washington Redskins in the NFC Championship game. It has been 20 years since the last playoff victory, 12 years since their last playoff appearance and they have never won a Super Bowl (modern football era). Yet, here I am looking forward to a new season.

Each year I look at the schedule and try to determine what type of outcome to expect. I read the articles and listen to the experts. Sadly, one of the experts is no longer with us. Lions’ beat reporter Tom Kowalski was a staple to my daily Internet reading agenda. His prose was witty and informative, his style gruff and intelligent. So it is with a heavy heart that I dedicate this year’s predictions to Tom’s memory.

September 11 at Tampa Bay

4-0 in preseason! Yes. The Lions are going to the Superbowl! Uh oh, there is no running game and the Lions score less than Charlie Sheen at church. Don’t worry though, Ndamukong Suh sacks Josh Freeman 7 times with the last hit actually decapitating the young quarterback. Lions win 19-6.

September 18 Kansas City

1-0! Horrible news- Ndamukong Suh is suspended for decapitation and is given an 8-game suspension. Great news- Javeed Best runs for 187 yards and 3 touchdowns. Hooray for the running game! Lions win 35-21

September 25 at Minnesota

The Lions are 2-0! What?! Javeed Best tore his ACL? How did that happen? What?! That’s not even a Kama Sutra position?! Oh well, no running game again. Luckily Chris Houston intercepts Donovan McNabb 3 times and the Lions edge the Vikings 27-23.

October 2 at Dallas

3-0! How do I buy Super Bowl tickets? The Lions travel into the heart of evil- Dallas, Texas. Unfortunately, cornerbacks Christ Houston and Alphonso Smith accidentally run into each other during practice, both are out indefinitely with concussions. Dallas 27-17.

October 10 Chicago (Monday Night)

3-1! One loss is nothing to worry about. Plus, this is Monday Night Football. The last time the Lions were on Monday Night Football an Olsen Twin threesome would have been illegal. The fans are pumped, the players are invigorated and Kyle Vandenbosch has the Lions second quarterback decapitation of the season. RIP Jay Cutler. Lions win 42-0.

October 16 San Francisco

4-1 and a home game against an easy team! Unfortunately the NFL suspended Kyle Vandenbosch 8 games for his decapitation hit. Also, Matthew Stafford is pulled in the 3rd quarter with tendonitis in his throwing shoulder. San Francisco 9-3.

October 23 Atlanta

4-2. Okay, we’re still on track for the playoffs. Stafford is out but Shaun Hill is ready to go. The Lions are penalized 17 times for 143 yards which is exactly 140 more yards then they were able to rush. Matt Ryan lights up the Lions’ depleted secondary. Lions lose 31-10. Fans rush to the online forums complaining that it is the lack of professional cheerleaders that is leading to the team’s demise.

October 30 at Denver

The Lions are now 4-3. Things are getting pretty depressing. Shaun Hill is injured. He apparently fell on his hand against Atlanta breaking four bones. He played through the pain and nobody knew of the injury until after the game. Drew Stanton is now the starting quarterback. Luckily they’re playing Denver and are able to squeak in a win. Lions win 28-27. TOIBW (Thank Orbson it’s the Bye Week)

Week 9 Bye Week

5-3! Sure we had some tough times in the first half but 5-3 is not bad. Suh will be back soon and Stafford is expected to start against Chicago. Plus, they have two weeks to prepare and rest. I need to start looking into the Super Bowl tickets again.

November 13 at Chicago

Stafford is back and the Lions put up 28 points in the first half. Unfortunately in the 3rd quarter defensive end Julius Peppers throws Jeff Backus through the air and onto Stafford who stays down holding his shoulder. Stanton comes in and throws two straight interceptions but the somehow the Lions manage to hang on 31-28.

November 20 Carolina

6-3! Ndamukong Suh is back! Stafford is still out with a “bruised shoulder” but Shaun Hill is able to come in and throw left handed. Not a great solution but better than Stanton, Hill is able to keep the Lions in the game. The game reaches overtime where Cam Newton is leading the Panthers downfield. That is until Suh gets angry and sacks Newton causing a fumble. Lions win 27-21. The memorial service for Cam Newton will take place the following Wednesday.

November 24 Green Bay

7-3! Awesome record, not so awesome NFL ruling: “We regret to inform the Lions organization and fans that Ndamukong Suh will no longer be allowed to play in the NFL. The strength and ferocity of Suh is unmatched. We fear for the lives of the other quarterbacks in the league and hereby ban Suh from the NFL.” There is a massive outcry which distracts the Lions from this week’s Thanksgiving Day game. Plus, the Packers are much, much better. Packers 38-3

December 4 at New Orleans

7-4! Suh is out but first round draft pick Nick Fairley is finally cleared to play. Sadly, he is not any good and is pulled within ten minutes. A rash of turf related injuries occur for the Lions who whimper out of New Orleans with only 3 points and a lot of beaded necklaces. Saints 35-3

December 11 Minnesota

7-5. Only 6 points in the last two games. What has happened to this offense? Luckily cornerbacks Chris Houston and Alphonso Smith are back and intercept Donovan McNabb three more times. Lions play well and win 24-13.

December 18 at Oakland

8-5. Being on the road against a mediocre Oakland team should mean good things. It didn’t. Half of the Lions’ team is on Injured Reserve, the other half has the flu. People suspect that Stafford may have more than a bruised shoulder. The most interesting part of the game is when Raider’s owner Al Davis expressed interest in trading for the Lions’ starting running back who is averaging 1.3 yards per carry. Raiders 17-13.

December 24 San Diego

8-6. Not feeling too good now. San Diego is on fire coming in and Green Bay is next. However, the Lions play awesome. 150 yards on the ground, 300 through the air and they forced 3 turnovers. That is what I’m talking about. Where did I put that info on the Super Bowl ticket lottery?!

January 1 at Green Bay

9-6! Already put a deposit down on my playoff ticket! If we beat Green Bay we are guaranteed a Wild Card spot, otherwise we need some help. Green Bay is 13-2 and resting all of their starters. However, it is really, really cold in Wisconsin in January. Wide receiver Calvin Johnson’s fingers freeze together and he drops 7 passes. Lions lose. Luckily through a series of tiebreaker rules, they grab the last playoff spot. Packers 27-17.

Wild Card Game at Philadelphia

Oh yeah, we’re in the playoffs!!! Oh no, we’re playing the Eagles. Matthew Stafford starts in a surprise move by head coach Jim Schwartz. He lasts three plays before going down on his injured shoulder. Surgery will be required. Still no rushing game, add a dozen penalties and poodle owner Kyle Vandenbosch was thrown out of the game early for pile driving Michael “Dog Killer” Vick into the ground. The season is over, the Lions lose. Well, there is always the Draft! Eagles 38-17.

Orbson's Movie Reviews

Sometimes tragedy jumps up and smacks you in the ball sack. This weekend, I am sorry to say, my Internet stopped working. Over the past week, I’ve worried that it might be ill but hoped it was just a little bug that would pass. On Saturday, it sunk into a coma. The worse part is not knowing what’s wrong. I tried the usual remedies but nothing has worked. I even tried a new modem but all I received were empty clicks. Now I must wait until Tuesday when the cable surgeon will come to determine the fate of my beloved Internet. Until then I will not be able to check my football scores, stream Netflix or enjoy a relaxing session of Jack and Jizz. The weekend’s entertainment could have been pretty lackluster had I not remembered Red Box.

Three Blu-Ray movies helped to fill in the gap left by the lack of Internet- Limitless, I Am Number Four and Source Code. Don’t worry, you won’t find any spoilers here, just some Orbson-esque reviews:

Limitless: The basic concept of this movie makes my special parts tingle. Take one little pill and suddenly you have a Super Brain. Learn languages in hours, master the stock market, remember everything you ever read or saw and finally understand what the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie was about. I was really looking forward to seeing this movie. Unfortunately, they took a great concept and made a crappy movie. I didn’t connect to any of the characters and the film plodded along like a Republican trying to read Shakespeare. By the middle, I was looking around for a pill I could take to make the movie better. Ultimately I’ll give this one 2 out of 5 stars with the extra star for the good idea.

I Am Number Four: I was initially unsure about this one. Netflix thought I would like it, so I figured what the hell. Thank you Netflix. This was a tightly written, fast paced movie with a decent plotline and above average acting. The reviews of this seemed surprisingly mixed with people expressing either love or hate. Perhaps I am just a sucker for a good teen sci-fi action flick. The film follows a young man who tries to fit into a new school. The problem is that he is actually an alien with powers he can’t control and is being hunted by other aliens who want his race annihilated. If nothing else, you should watch this for Teresa Palmer who plays Number 6. Diana Agron (Glee) was a treat, but Teresa, the Australian beauty, was a kick-ass Buffy-esque heroine. Her stunts were outstanding and she definitely made me wish I was Number 9. In the end, I give this a solid 4 out of 5 stars.

Source Code: I expected your typical action movie that was a combination of Groundhog Day and Die Hard. What I got was much more. Jake Gyllenhaal was outstanding as Colter Stevens, a helicopter pilot who wakes to find himself on a commuter train with no memory of how he got there. The next hour and a half was an intense fast-paced mystery and action film that surprised me with its emotional depth. The ending will likely leave many with mixed feeling on the movie. However, I am comfortable rating this 4 out of 5 stars. I also need to mention the outstanding acting of Vera Farmiga who gives a nuanced performance as Colleen Goodwin. The depth she brought to her character with just a look was exceptional.

The fate of my Internet may still be unknown, but it was fun to get back into the movies. Now, to try to find a way to publish this….


They Should be Ashamed: The economy has halted many building projects in Las Vegas, leaving jobs half finished and construction machinery sitting unused. Well, that is until the birth of the Adult Sandbox. People are paying $750 a piece to operate bulldozers and move dirt and rocks around. Now I am not dissing the idea; it actually sounds like fun. However, paying $750 for something like that when many in this country go hungry gives new definition to the term gluttonous bastards.

Someone isn’t Listening: Obama continues to give in to Republican and Special Interests’ demands. On Friday, Obama appeased big business by backed off of his promise to toughen environmental standards. Even though most scientists and the E.P.A. says it’s necessary to uhm, breathe, Obama said no. I can only explain this in one of two ways. Obama is actually a Republican in sane person’s clothing or this country is in even worse shape then we thought. Either way, I am beginning to wonder if Hillary could run again.

Oh Netflix, My Netflix

One of my favorite companies is under siege this week as their new pricing structure took effect yesterday. Many are expecting a wave of cancelled memberships in the coming days, but I for one will remain loyal. The fact is that Netflix’s only mistake was spoiling us too much. First, let’s look at some of the new prices:

Unlimited Streaming: $7.99 per month
3 DVDs at a time per month: $15.99
3 DVDs+Streaming: $23.99

Right now, the Orbson family only has streaming. Our price increase? ZERO. We used to have 3 DVDs (at a time) and paid about $16.99 per month. Then, Netflix offered a new service absolutely free. Instant Streaming. That’s right; a business created a new and innovative product and gave it away for free. Over the years, Netflix has only raised the cost of their service by a couple of dollars. In the meantime, it costs me $12 to see a movie in the theater.

Clearly, online streaming is the future of entertainment. As Netflix’s contracts with the big studios began to expire, the studios have decided to demand much, much more money. We are not talking about millions of dollars we are talking about billions of dollars. Netflix cannot be expected to maintain and grow the current level of available streaming without raising prices. They simply cannot make that work. For those of you who do not watch streaming TV and movies, your price for 3 DVDs actually went down! For the rest of us, it’s time we start paying for that “free” service.

Yesterday, negotiations between Netflix and Starz broke down. Netflix’s stock took a major hit (down 8% after hours) It appears as though that relationship will come to an end. While I was not in the room, I can guarantee that the problem was that Starz wanted more money than Netflix was willing or able to spend. I’m glad they didn’t reach a deal. I had a free 6-month cable subscription to Starz. They show the same five movies over and over again. Kudos to Netflix for not caving in to their demands. However, they do need to pony up the big bucks to pay Sony and maybe even someday HBO in order to have quality streaming content. Those big bucks must come from us.

So, why should we pay more? The reason is that every other option costs ways too much. You may not remember Blockbuster, but I do. $4.95 rental fees for one movie! When we received DVDs we averaged at least 3 per week. That is 12 per month or almost $60 if we went to the video store. Cable and satellite? Well, they can cost $40 a month for just basic cable. $23.99 for everything Netflix offers is not a bad price. It may even be too low.

I really like Netflix. Whenever I receive DVDs they are almost always free of scratches, play perfectly and arrive one day after they are mailed out. The streaming is good quality and instantaneous. While I hate to have to pay more money for any service, I’ll gladly fork over a few bucks for a service I use and love.

Yo Asshole Said What?! – Michele Bachmann would not have a problem with drilling for oil in the Everglades. Seriously, when Satan himself steps up and says “whoa, too far” you know you have one evil Teabagger.

Oh Come On! – The White House released a statement saying that next Thursday’s Presidential address will not interfere with the NFL’s season opener. Come on, I love football but isn’t our nation’s stability is far more important than one football game.

Smart Girls and Stupid T-Shirts

I was reading a story from the Washington Post about a line of long-sleeve t-shirts for young girls. Designed by a company called Self Esteem (oh sweet irony), the shirts have phrases such as “I’m too pretty to do homework so my brother has to do it for me” and “Who has time for homework when there’s a new Justin Beiber album out?” Thanks to a fast-moving grassroots protest, J.C. Penney pulled the line from their stores and stated, “We agree that the 'Too pretty' t-shirt does not deliver an appropriate message, and we have immediately discontinued its sale.” I quickly formed two strong and very conflicting opinions. So, even though I try to avoid them, I checked out the comments section of the article. Though mostly illiterate and often profane (and not in a funny way) the opinions seemed equally split. I checked out a few Psychology Today articles on teen behavior, but still have not been able to fully support one side of this issue. Thus, I thought I would present both opinions to my Disciples for your amusement (I always enjoy listening to the voices argue) and discussion.

I have a few strongly held opinions that I believe are true regardless of the side I fall on this issue:

1. Freedom of speech and freedom of expression are fundamental rights that should only be limited in very rare circumstances.

2. In the past (and I’m afraid even in the present), there has been an erroneous gender stereotype that men are better academically than women. This is just STUPID.

3. Young children often try to gain approval from the peers they admire by attempting to emulate the peers’ behavior. Unfortunately, the “captain of the football team/head cheerleader” or “the pretty people” stereotypes are those most frequently envied.

4. The statements on the discontinued shirts are completely indefensible. I would be embarrassed if one of my imaginary children ever wore one and would mock anyone I saw wearing one on the street. They are essentially a big flashing neon sign saying, “Hey, look at me, I’m really stupid!”

Given these opinions, here are my two opposing arguments:

Orbson Says Ban the Stupid

Our children are impressionable. By selling shirts such as these, J.C. Penney is condoning the idea that it is okay for girls to be stupid so long as they’re pretty. Since these shirts are geared to younger girls, the message is even more dangerous. Given the cultural stereotypes that have long lingered in this country regarding women and education, this type of message is both discriminatory and wrong. The grassroots effort to remove the shirts as well as the store’s response, were all reasonable and thus I believe it is perfectly okay to “ban the stupid”. The shirts can still be purchased if someone really wants them, just not in a family-oriented department store. I would not want anyone telling my imaginary daughter that it is more important to be pretty than to be smart.


Orbson Says Get Over Yourselves

We live in a free country and should be able to express ourselves however we choose. The shirts were meant as a joke, even though they’re not remotely funny. Still, I don’t believe that seeing a peer wear one would automatically make my imaginary daughter believe that stupid was cool. For her entire imaginary life I have been teaching her the value of education and the power of knowledge. If she saw someone wearing one of those shirts, I would hope she would join me in a fun session of Mock the Moron. The grassroots effort seems to believe that my imaginary daughter is on the edge of a precipice between the Stupid and the Smart and just seeing one of these shirts would throw her over the edge. If I did a good enough job instilling values in her I would hope that would not be the case. I would have also told her of the many very cool and very pretty women that are well educated. Natalie Portman and Ashley Judd went to Harvard. Claire Danes, Jennifer Connelly and Kate Beckinsale went to Oxford. Lauren Graham and Maggie Gyllenhaal went to Columbia. There will undoubtedly be times in her life when she sees someone she thinks is “cool” doing something I think is “wrong”. I cannot guard her from everything. I can only give her the tools to make good choices and be there for her if she stumbles. Finally, banning one shirt will just lead to banning others. Football shirts represent violence, the rock band on that shirt has a song with a naughty word, that organization is too liberal. Where does it end? We should not tell people what their children can and can’t wear. We should let parents be parents and then join together to mock those who would actually buy one of these ridiculous shirts.


I’ll let each of you decide for yourselves which opinion has more merit. As for me, I’m going to go talk about this topic with my imaginary daughter and see what she has to say.


Other Surprising Celebrities who went to Ivy League Schools (there were hundreds).
Matt Damon, Tommy Lee Jones, Conan O’Brien and Steve Zahn and Rivers Cuomo (the lead singer of Weezer) went to Harvard.
Jodie Foster, Edward Norton, Meryl Streep, Jordana Brewster and Paul Giamatti went to Yale.

Weezer Likes Smart Girls Too!



The title photograph was taken from a Washington Post Blog which itself was taken from the J.C. Penney website. As today's entry is a criticism of the shirt and in many ways, a news story, I believe it falls under the Fair Use Doctrine of the copyright infringement laws.

Orbson Makes the Movies

Hello and welcome to today’s episode of Orbson Makes the Movies. Our special guest star is this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly. As I was perusing the latest in entertainment news while gently relieving myself of some very effective Raisin Bran, I came across last week’s box office results. The Top 10 were as follows: The Help, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Spy Kids 4, Conan The Barbarian, Fright Night, The Smurfs, Final Destination 5, 30 Minutes or Less, One Day, and Crazy, Stupid, Love.

The first thing I noticed was how few of these are original. They are: based on book, reboot, sequel, remake, remake, based on cartoon, sequel, original, based on book and original. With only two original content films in the Top 10, clearly Hollywood needs some help coming up with original stories. Of course, Orbson Rice will always help those in need. So, here’s a few Orbson approved movie plotlines. Hollywood, you can have any of these ideas for just a million each:

5. Bloody Whiskers- Zombie bunnies invade a small town during its annual carrot festival. Starring: Hugh Jackmann as the small-town sheriff, Summer Glau as his contortionist girlfriend and Daniel Day-Lewis as Fluffy Whiskerton, the head zombie bunny.

4. Touch My Twinkie – A college student believes he won the lottery when he is given an enchanted Twinkee that makes any woman who touches it instantly aroused. What he doesn’t realize is that the Twinkee was brought to earth by the evil demi-god Hose Tess who plans to use its creamy filling to take over the world.

3. Shindler’s Tweets- When Peter Shindler gets 1,000,000 Twitter followers a wormhole opens up and sucks him back to 1943 Germany where he must use his Tweeting abilities to stop a top secret Nazi facility that trains parakeets to kill.

2. Orbsonism: Tale of the One True God- A documentary chronicling the dramatic rise in popularity of the religion of Orbsonism and its Creator Orbson Rice.

1. Caressing the Big Red Nose- This 3D, animated, romantic, horror movie stars Paris Hilton as an exotic performance artist who falls in love with the disembodied soul of a serial killing circus clown.



What Were They Thinking: Next June, Holland America cruise lines is hosting a weeklong vampire convention on an Alaskan cruise. A vampire ball, costume contest, vampire movie marathon and speaker, Dacre Stoker, the great-grandnephew of Bram Stoker are among the activities. Really? Vampire lovers in Alaska in June? What better way to celebrate the undead, then by going to the land of perpetual sun. Those 18 hour days should really set that spooky mood.

A Narrow Miss: Britney Spears recently stated that if she were not a famous “musician” she would have liked to have been a teacher. Remember this the next time you diss pop music. Definitely the lesser of two evils.


Group I’m Missing

Orbson Answers the Phone

A typical Orbson Rice day often includes getting to talk to new and interesting people who always seem to call at the most inopportune times:

The Phone Company

Rep: Hello, my name is Ryan, I was hoping to ask you about your current phone service.

Orbson: I don’t have a current phone service.

Rep: Who do you use for the phone you are using?

Orbson: I’m not using a phone. I am using a blue shoe.

Rep: A blue shoe?

Orbson: Yes. It’s a magic blue shoe.

Rep: Yeah, right. I just wanted to let you know about our new rate plan that gives you unlimited long distance, caller ID and voice mail for a special $49.99 per month introductory rate.

Orbson: My shoe was only $39.99. I got them on sale. Actually I got two so really each was about $20. Can you match that?

Rep: I’m thinking you are not interested in a new phone service.

Orbson: Oh, but I am. You said it comes with caller ID right?

Rep: Yes and voicemail.

Orbson: Does is come in blue?

Rep: What? The phone? The plan doesn’t come with a phone.

Orbson: No, the shoe.

Rep: There is no shoe.

Orbson: No shoe? Well, then how do I make a call?

Rep: I don’t find this very funny.

Orbson: Really, I’m finding this conversation sole-full. Hello? Hello?


The Cable Company

Rep: Hello, my name is Jim and I’m calling from your local cable provider. We are just checking to make sure you are completely satisfied with your cable service.

Orbson: Yes, it’s great thank you.

Rep: I also wanted to let you know about an exciting new package we’re letting some of our best customers in on. You can combine cable, Internet and phone for one low price of $129.99 per month.

Orbson: So you weren’t really calling to see if I was happy with my cable service? You were just trying to sell me something?

Rep: No of course we want to make sure you’re happy with your current service.

Orbson: Really?

Rep: Yes, of course

Orbson: I just don’t know. I trusted you, I felt we had built a solid relationship on the phone, now I just feel used.

Rep: I’m very sorry you feel that way. Rest assured we do care about your happiness with your cable service. We just wanted to offer you another way to get great savings on a great group of services.

Orbson: There you go again, trying to sell me something new. You’re just like Mutsy?

Rep: I’m sorry, like what?

Orbson: Mutsy, my pet ferret. I thought he loved me but he was only using me for food and toys, just like you’re using me. But I showed him, I introduced him to Mr. Sucky.

Rep: Uhm, excuse me?

Orbson: Mr. Sucky- my vacuum cleaner. You sound nice, maybe I should consider your offer. Why don’t you come over and we can discuss it in person. I can introduce you to Mr. Sucky. Hello? Hello?



Of course I don’t spend my days just answering the phone. I also respond to the occasional email:

The Hotel Review

Email: Please review your most recent stay with us.

Orbson: Delete email.

Email: Please review your most recent stay with us.

Orbson: Delete email.

Email: Please review your most resent stay with us.

Orbson: To Whom it May Concern, I am sorry that I have been unable to review my recent stay at your hotel. I have been in the hospital with a large number of bed bug bites. Don’t fret, I am sure your hotel had nothing to do with it. Of course I didn’t stay anywhere else and the room wasn’t the cleanest but I doubt it was caused by your hotel. Yes, overall your hotel was quite nice. I particularly liked the old-fashioned television set that only received three fuzzy channels. It reminded me of the good old days. I also appreciated that the WiFi was not working. You were clearly trying to send a message about spending quality time with the family over playing on the Internet. Message received. I was somewhat disappointed that the front desk forgot my wakeup call, still it only cost me $400 to reschedule my flight so really it was not a big deal. I really enjoyed your breakfast buffet and were it not for the salmonella, I would definitely try it again. Unfortunately, I did not get to try out your swimming pool as I found its greenish color to be slightly off-putting. Still, the kids I saw swimming in it seemed to be having a good time. Too bad their trip ended so badly. I saw them in the hospital too. Rashes all over their bodies- the poor things. Overall, I feel confident in saying that I would rate your hotel as 8 out of 10.

Email: Regarding your recent review of our hotel: Dear Mr. Rice, thank you for your review. I was glad to hear our hotel exceeded your expectations and hope to see you again in the future! Signed- Hotel Manager.

Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace

In these troubled times many believe themselves to be trapped in jobs in which they are underappreciated and/or underpaid. Do not despair, the answers to many of your problems can be found within you. You must get in touch with your inner Orbson and take control of your workplace before it’s too late.

Following "Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace" is guaranteed to get results. What those results might be, who knows, you’ll probably be fired and maybe even arrested. Still, they’re guaranteed results. Plus, if you end up in jail you’ll get a roof over your head, three meals a day and health care, so many would consider that a step up.

Seven Steps to Desuckifying Your Workplace

Step 1: Embrace the Change Within: You must embrace the knowledge that your job sucks and that you are 100% committed to the desuckification process. Only with acceptance of the problem can recovery begin.

Illustration: Stanley admits to himself that his job sucks and that he will do anything necessary to desuckify it.

Step 2: Identifying the Soul Sucking Leach Who Makes Your Life Hell: Every day you go into work and you see someone that immediately sucks any happiness or optimism right out of you. Identification of the leach and/or leaches is necessary in order to move to Step 3.

Illustration: After much thought, Stanley identifies two people who make his life hell. First, his supervisor Dan, who in addition to being an asshole likes to publicly berate Stanley at least twice a day. The second is an important client named Mary who represents a multi-national corporation. Mary continuously blames Stanley for every little thing that goes wrong regardless of the fact that she causes most of the problems.

Step 3: Operation You Fucked with the Wrong Man/Woman: Subtly is key here as this step is all about intelligence gathering. It is time to dig through every personal and professional bit of information you can find about your targets. You should also consider hiring a private investigator to assist with the work.

Illustration: Stanley begins to take note of every aspect of Dan and Mary’s lives. Quickly, he has a thick file on each of them.

Step 4: Locating the Jugular: Here you should examine the information you have gathered and look for weak spots you can exploit.

Illustration: Stanley finds that Dan has been having marital problems, has three outstanding parking tickets and will often go the bar next to the office on Monday nights to watch football, down a few beers and flirt with the female bartender. Also, Stanley’s investigator was able to track down a payment to Mary by Girls Gone Wild and was able to locate photographs of her flashing the camera during Spring Break. Further, there is an important meeting coming up between Dan, Mary and their respective bosses.

Step 5: Setting the Stage: You must now utilize your newfound knowledge to design a plan to desuckify your workplace.

Illustration: Stanley changes the meeting time to 8PM Monday night making each party believe the other is responsible. He then tells Mary that Dan has requested her 10 minutes early in order to discuss a few issues. At 6PM, Stanley offers to take Dan to the nearby bar for a quick drink, mentioning to Dan that the bartender had been asking about him. Dan agrees. Stanley gives the bartender a $50 bill to put a small amount of a drug that makes alcohol significantly more effective. As she has always been disgusted by Dan, she is happy to help. Dan is wasted by 7:00PM. He is concerned about the meeting, but Stanley assures him that he will tell everyone Dan was sick and had to go home. However, they need to go back to Dan's office to find the paperwork for Stanley to use in the meeting. The falsely flirtatious bartender keeps him distracted until they head back to the office at 7:40PM. What Dan doesn’t know is that Stanley’s investigator has wallpapered Dan's office and computer with the Girls Gone Wild photographs of a very topless Mary. He has also contacted Dan's wife asking her to be at the same office at exactly 7:55PM and that he has some explanations as to why Dan is often “working late” on Mondays. Stanley escorts Dan into his office at 7:45PM.

Step 6: Grab the Popcorn and Enjoy the Show: Step back and watch as your plan unfolds.

Illustration: Dan is shocked to see the photographs of Mary but far too drunk to make much sense of the situation. Stanley tells him to sit down while he gets a janitor to clean up the office. Dan doesn’t notice that the chair is drenched in urine until it’s too late. His pants are soaked so he quickly removes them just as Mary walks in. She sees the intoxicated and pantless Dan in the room full of pictures she had thought nobody would ever find out about. Seconds later Dan's wife enters the room. She is enraged and starts yelling at Dan and Mary. He is slime, she has always known that fact and her mother was right, she should have left him a long time ago. The end of her tirade is caught by Dan and Mary’s bosses who walk in to see Mary trying to remove the photographs, the pantless and drunk Dan and the irate wife. Stanley then walks in. Dan tries to grab at the lifeline. “Stanley, tell them I was with you. Tell them I don’t know anything about these pictures. I didn’t do any of this.” Stanley enjoys his triumph by looking disgusted and saying, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just got here.” To the bosses he states, “I told them they shouldn’t carry on this way- the sex, the pictures, it’s just not professional.” As the bosses stare angrily at Dan and Mary, Stanley gives them a quick wink and smile.

Step 7: Twist the Knife and Enjoy Your New Life: Celebrate your freedom, but first, how about one more smidgen of fun.

Illustration: Everyone is leaving. Mary and Dan have been fired. Stanley has impressed the bosses with a detailed business plan, saving the meeting and the business relationship. As Stanley watches in pleasure as Dan drives away, he pull out his cell phone, dials 911 and speaks in a worried voice. “Hello, I just saw a drunk guy leaving the bar. He’s pretty wasted. I tried to stop him but he kept saying stuff like ‘no f’in cop can get me. I don’t even pay parking tickets. F’them all. He was driving a black SUV, the license plate is….”

"...the beautiful"- Literary Art

Today, I have decided to share another piece of my "Literary Art" with you. You may remember one of my prior entries entitled "11"-Literary Art in which I explained my attempt to use words to illustrate the museum in my brain. "... the beautiful" is one of the first pieces I created. I warn you that this piece is extremely graphic and disturbing. I quite literally felt nauseous as I wrote the following. Inspired by a combination of news stories I read during one news day, I wanted to create a lasting photographic image that could burn into a person's memory, haunting them forever. Orbson Disciples are by now very familiar with the vast respect and love I have for all women. I find it unfortunate that not everyone shares that respect...

Title: …the beautiful

Subject: The treatment of women in the United States of America.

Medium: Photography. Mostly black and white with certain aspects represented with full and strong colors.

Summary:

The scene is a cold, gray alley that could be in any major city. Garbage bags both opened and unopened are strewn about from an overflowing dumpster. Graffiti plagues all of the surfaces. The photograph, while posed, appears completely realistic, as if you could walk directly into that alley and smell that garbage. You see small glimpses of color bursting amongst the mess from the otherwise black and white image. However, your eyes are locked onto the soulless cement ground where a young woman in her early 20’s lies in pain amongst the filth. Her expression is one of complete anguish and her face is wet with a mixture of blood and tears. Her clothes have been torn away revealing deep bruises over her body, covered in a mixture of dirt and violently red blood. The bruising extends to her thighs. You know what has happened. She is grasping a small, torn and filthy American flag in her hands. She is trying to use it to cover herself. She pulls and grasps as if it could provide protection, but it is too small.

You need to look away from the horrific image of the young woman and notice again the small bursts of color. A few feet away from the woman you see a Fortune 500 magazine cover with the “Richest Fifteen People in America”, only two of which are women. Covered partially by the dumpster there is an old broken street sign with only the number “80” visible. This represents the fact that even today, women make only 80% of what a man makes in the same job. Amongst the garbage hanging loosely from the dumpster you see a partially torn Victoria’s Secret poster which someone drew a penis upon. You look closer at the garbage upon the ground and note that the bags seem to form the number “6”. In the U.S.A. a woman is raped every 6 seconds. Upon the opposite wall from the dumpster you see a spray painted “15”. In the U.S.A. a woman is battered every 15 seconds. Every bit of color in the photograph represents the treatment of women. You notice that the only colors used were red, white and blue. You feel nauseous as you gaze again at the fragile and distressed young woman. You see the red, white and blue again in the American Flag. That American flag that does not cover, does not protect and does not heal.

F#%k Censorship

As an avid reader, I find any talk of censorship to be truly appalling. Every year the American Library Association reviews challenges from across the United States on a wide variety of “offensive books”. The most recent publicized attempt at censorship occurred in that liberal Mecca we call Republic, Missouri. Republic High School’s School Board removed Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s, Slaughterhouse-Five and Sarah Ockler’s, Twenty Boy Summer from the school’s library because of such things as sexually explicit content, violence and profanity. Roberta Combs, president of Christian Coalition of America (no I did not make that up) stated, "That's not what our kids should be reading and learning.” Combs, who for the sake of clarity I will now refer to as “That Right Wing Psycho Religious Bitch Freak from Hell” is the same woman who tried to ban the Harry Potter Series and considered a ban on the Twilight Series. "These Twilight books are very disturbing books for family values. Teen marriage is not the standard, but the part that is more troubling is the vampire. It's just not normal for young people to idolize a vampire." I’m not convinced though. If people can’t idolize a cold, heartless, soulless monster, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin would have never become famous.

The ability of public schools to restrict access of certain books in their libraries has long been a contentious issue. U.S. Supreme Court Justice William Brennan, in Texas v. Johnson stated, “If there is a bedrock principle underlying the First Amendment, it is that the Government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable.” As Orbson Rice, I find this particular decision very useful. It gives me the freedom to randomly say obscene stuff like fuck you Republicans, pussylicker, and anal lube. However, as it comes to public schools it becomes more complex. In Island Trees School District v. Pico By Pico, Justice Brennan, in a plurality decision stated, “…we hold that local school boards may not remove books from school library shelves simply because they dislike the ideas contained in those books….” In the dissenting opinion, Justice O’Conner points out the obvious problems involved in having a court decide what the motivations are for a school board’s choice to remove a book. Personally, I think Orbson Rice should decide what students should or should not read.

Look, the ability to learn would be severely limited if the only books that are taught are the ones that never cross into the realm of vulgarity and obscenity. If I walked up to a bookshelf and removed everything that had violence, sexuality, profanity, vampires, magic or anything that someone somewhere might find offensive, there would be very little of substance left. Heck, even the Bible featured Jesus the Zombie. How is a teacher supposed to explain the horrors of the Holocaust without detailing the graphic atrocities endured by millions of people? How do you read books on the Civil War without any reference to violence? How do you discuss a teenager coming of age without referencing the changes and urges that teenagers feel? When you ignore the truths of the world you can never truly understand or empathize with anyone different from you. You don’t even really understand yourself. You end up becoming the worse kind of conservative- stupid and blind.

I believe in learning as much as you possibly can. That often means looking at the corners which are not all sunshine and puppies. Recently, NewSouth Books published a version of Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn in which the word “nigger” was replaced with “slave”. There is no question about the negativity and racism associated with the “n” word. However, the 1800’s were not all about love and tolerance. Art, literature and music are reflections of the times they were created. We must embrace the good and the bad to truly understand where we have been, where we are now and where we hope to be in the future. We should not change literature to fit with current morals; we should study, discuss and learn from those exchanges. By the way, changing Mark Twain’s works is even more preposterous when you realize that Twain was an avid supporter of equal rights for everyone.

We are supposed to live in a free and democratic nation, not a democratic Christian nation. We cannot allow the opinions of a few to dictate the education offered in public schools. If parents want to minimize the impact of “offensive” materials they always have the option of attending private religious schools. In the meantime, it is the parent’s responsibility and not the school’s to monitor their child’s reading lists for books they find “offensive”. Then, they can do one of two things. First, they can explain their issue to the teacher and ask them to excuse the student from those lessons and assign a different book for him or her to read. I don’t support this method of “teaching”, but I do support the right of the parent to act according to their own belief system. The second and better option is to read the book along with the student and thoroughly discuss the issues the parent(s) have with the book. What they should not do is try to impose their views on every child in that school and every parent in that community by trying to ban the book.

Censorship is a very real issue. In 2010-2011 thus far, Anne Frank: the Diary of A Young Girl, The Hunger Games and The Catcher in the Rye, along with hundreds of other books have been challenged and/or banned. Some of the other more commonly challenged books include such titles as Nineteen Eighty-Four, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, For Whom the Bell Tolls, Gone With the Wind, Goosebumps Series, Harry Potter Series, Of Mice and Men, The Outsiders, To Kill a Mockingbird, Ulysses and Judy Blume’s, Are You There God it’s Me Margaret. As the new school year begins, the list of challenged and banned books will skyrocket. I for one, won’t be waiting until Banned Book Week to grab the nearest banned book and start reading.



Orbson Online: I just found a pretty cool website. Not sure if they are true stories but definitely inspirational. They are also very short for those with Attention Deficit Disorder: www.makesmethink.com

Relevant Jams From Back in the Day:

Liberal Guilt

We have all heard of “Catholic Guilt”. You know, that feeling you get after a particularly satisfying sexual encounter. The next thing you know, you suddenly feel exceptionally guilty for having “sinned”. Luckily Orbsonism is free of that gobbledygook. In fact, copulation is a highly recommended activity. However, lately I have been feeling a different kind of guilt. One that is not related to sex, but the little decisions I make every day. I believe I may be experiencing “Liberal Guilt”.

My experience began with a simple decision. I chose to go out to eat instead of making dinner at home. We decided on a small pizza place where we ordered a specialty pizza, cheesebread (because you gotta have cheesebread) and a couple of iced teas. The total cost was about $30. As I was paying the bill, I suddenly had a strong feeling of guilt. Suddenly, my $30 night out seemed gluttonous. Ever since, whenever I eat out I think about all of the people who are going hungry in the world and how that $30 could probably feed them for a week. Of course I still do it, but now I feel guilty.

If this was a one-time occurrence, I could probably get over it. However the guilt is having a Sword of Damocles effect. I feel guilty for shopping at Walmart instead of a local family-owned grocery store. I’m cheap. The same bread I buy at Walmart for $2 is $4.29 elsewhere. I probably save 60% or more by shopping at the most evil of all grocery stores. Fiscally, it is a smart choice, but still I feel the shame. The guilt just keeps adding every time I drink from a plastic water bottle, don’t recycle the peanut butter jar because it’s a pain to clean or choose the fancy iced tea in the store.

The answer to this conundrum eludes me. I could diet on Ramen Noodles and donate every spare penny to charities but let’s face it, I am not THAT liberal. Sometimes I think it must be nice to be a Republican. If you don’t care about anyone but yourself, then you can do whatever you want without consequence. Of course that pesky religion thing means they’ll never get laid. Yes, we liberals definitely have the better end of that deal. So I’ll eat my pizza, drink my tea, let little Orbson out to play and keep trying to attack policies that eliminate jobs and create poverty. That’s right Republicans, I’m coming after you.


Orbson’s Boycotting Barnes & Noble: I ordered a HP Touchpad, I got a confirmation and my credit card was charged. Two days later I get an email saying “oops, so sorry we don’t have any”. I was refunded but I want my Touchpad. How do you oversell inventory? Simple business principle, I have 100 to sell, I don’t sell 20,000! I heard a rumor that B&N left the link on so that they could collect user information for free. I dismissed this as another conspiracy theory. Next day, they sent me 3 emails! In response, I am boycotting B&N for 1 year. Of course, I buy my books at Costco and Amazon, but still, I won’t sit in their chairs while reading their magazines for a year. So there!

Orbson on Sookie: As I watched Bill and Alcide stand over a dying Sookie on last weekend’s episode of True Blood, I found myself thinking, “Quick, clap your hands really fast and say ‘I do believe in fairies! I do believe in fairies!”